Chapter 28
I froze, hand already on the textbook. Shit. There's no way Bon will believe I'm picking up a textbook for reading or something like that. I read manga, comics, picture books, not boring textbooks. How the hell do I explain this one? Maybe he doesn't know that I keep a blade there? No, this is the same blade I used that second night he was here when I talked to Izumo. He put it on my desk after finding it where I dropped it on the floor. He's also smart, so I bet he can put the clues together. Me plus a textbook that I wouldn't ever read plus hidden blades around the room (that he knows exist, even if he doesn't know where all, if any, of them are) equals...
Yeah, I think I'm screwed.
"Okumura? Rin?" Bon walked over and waved his hand in front of my face, "What are you spacing out for?"
"Nothing." I replied.
"Yeah, nothing. Because you normally look at your textbooks." Shit.
I stood up, dusted off my pants, and put on my best poker smile, "I dunno, some of them have pretty cool pictures in them. You know, rocks and volcanoes and stuff. Boom! What did you want to talk about?" Please accept the change in subject. Please.
"I was just going to ask if we could finish the conversation about-"
"Hey, I have some questions for you about your dad. And your logic. First, what's up with the relationship between you two?" I am not finishing any previous discussions with him. Not that I remember what they were, but if they weren't finished, then there was probably a good reason to avoid them in the first place.
"Will you let me finish a sentence?" Bon asked, exasperated.
"Hm. Nope, I don't think so!" I smiled at him. Please buy it.
Bon sighed, "Fine, we'll do this your way first. My dad and I never got along because for some reason, he has the stupid idea that he has to do everything himself. I'm a teamwork kind of person, so that just doesn't sit well with me. His actions come across like he doesn't trust me, so I fight him to prove that I can handle it. Happy?"
"If it's just a simple thing like that, why would you say that you would disown him as a father? That seems beyond just a simple disagreement or clash of opinions."
"If I answer your personal questions, will you answer mine?"
"Depends..." My smile fell from my face.
"Well then, the reason I said stuff like that depends..." Bon trailed off, smug grin on his face. He knows I can't just let it drop.
"Fine, I'll answer your dumb questions."
"If you haven't noticed, I have very strong opinions. I get emotional about them. When I disowned him, I was speaking in anger, I didn't actually mean it."
I sighed in relief. After what happened with Father Fujimoto... I can't let anyone else have that kind of thing happen to them. Not if I can help it. I don't want parents and their kids fighting when there's so much good left for them.
"So now my turn. Why did that bother you so much? When I told him that he was no longer my father?" Bon asked. My heart curled in on itself. I really don't want to answer this question.
I stared at my feet, not knowing what to say.
"Hey, Okumura, look at me." Bon waved in front of my face, but I kept looking down, "Okumura, look up!" he pushed my chin up until my eyes were reflected in his. I could feel my lower lip trembling and I couldn't bring myself to lie. I just kept staring at his face in silence.
"You really should talk about it if it's bothering you that much. Have you talked to anyone about whatever it is?" Bon asked.
"Yukio..."
"What did Yukio say about it?"
"He didn't say anything. We didn't really talk because I didn't know that he was an exorcist until the first day of cram school. When we fought the hobgoblins in the classroom, that's when he told me how he felt about the situation. He told me to just die, and I don't really blame him," I answered, "But I never really talked to him. He just talked to me."
I saw Bon clench his fist. He seemed to be holding back anger about something. As red as his face was, his voice was calm and well-controlled, "Then you should probably tell your side of things. If not your side, at least outline whatever the situation was. Talking about things is how you come to terms with them. I constantly complain about my dad, it's a coping mechanism to help me realize he's not actually that bad. Whatever your situation was, I'm sure it wasn't your fault."
"But it was!" I shouted, "It was all my fault! I might as well have stabbed him myself!"
"Are you saying that you killed your dad?"
"I might as well have!"
"That's not the same."
"It might as well have been!"
"What happened?"
"I told him never to call himself my father again, Satan took over his body, and he stabbed himself in the heart to protect me!" I was crying, and I didn't care, "It's my fault that he's dead, Yukio rightly blames me for it, and I blame myself too. If I weren't alive, he'd still be here. He gave up his life for something so worthless..."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is."
"It's a parents job to protect his or her kids because parents care about about them. You aren't worthless, you've proved that many times over, and you're a really good person. Give yourself a little credit. You've saved a lot of people. By saving you, your dad saved those people too. By saving you, he also proved that he's your real father, not some demon who happens to share some of your DNA."
I had no response, and Bon didn't seem to expect one. He just let me cry until I calmed down. At some point he must have made his way to his bed to sit down. I copied and went to sit down on mine. Then I remembered I had another question for him.
"How does your logic work?"
"About what I just said? That's common sense."
"No, after the camping trip..."
"You want to know why I was upset with you?" Bon asked.
I nodded, "Yeah. If I can fix it so you never get mad at me again-"
"That type of behaviour!"
I'm confused. What behaviour? I raised an eyebrow at him.
"That whole I've-gotta-handle-this-by-myself behaviour. The I-don't-trust-anyone-else-to-help-me behaviour! Don't fix it yourself! You're fine! Whenever you have problems, ask one of us for help and we'll help you."
"So that's the only reason you were upset with me?"
"You are just like my dad! Of course I was upset that you didn't think we would accept the fact that you're just a little bit different. You can't control that. What you can control is what we care about. That means your attitude, your behaviour, your actions, those matter. Genetics doesn't. Your actions said you didn't trust us, so I didn't want to trust you back."
"And... that's all?" I'm unsure about this. I don't know if I can actually trust them. I don't talk about personal stuff. I don't know how, and there's no way I want to give that sort of information away. What if it hurts them? What if it hurts me?
"Yes, that's all. Trust us to help you out when you need it, and I have no problems." Bon answered. Easier said than done.
"But what if I don't need help? Ever?"
"Bullshit."
"Not bullshit."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No, I've never needed help before, so why should I start asking for it now?"
Bon sighed and put his head in his hand. He looked like he was thinking about something.
"Okumura, do you remember what you said to me a couple of weeks ago?" he asked.
"No..."
"The conversation that we never finished?" Shit, this is the topic of that conversation? Whether or not I need help?
"It was about me asking for help? That's not something I would ever do because I've learned how to handle things by myself. I'm fine." I hope this steers it away from anything he was going to say.
"You shouted at me saying that you don't understand how to act in a group of people because you've never had friends before. I don't believe for any fraction of a second that you've never needed help before, but I do believe that you've never had anyone who would help you during those times." Why can't he just switch topics like I so obviously want him to?
"We are not talking about that." I stated.
"Yes, we are. I think you learned that, just because you didn't have anyone to help you when you needed it, that you didn't need help from anyone else. You got through it, and you kept smiling to keep your family happy. You made them believe that you were okay, and at some point, I think you started believing your lie too."
"We are not talking about that." I stated more firmly. I had told hold back my anger. I handled myself well enough in the past. Just because people didn't like me because I'm a fuckup doesn't mean that I needed help. I never needed help because everything bad that ever happened to me, I brought upon myself. I am no one else's responsibility. No one else should have to deal with my problems because I screwed up and caused them in the first place.
"Are you thinking that everything was your fault anyways? That it's no one else's business?" Bon asked quietly.
I remained silent.
"It is our business because you are our friend and we don't want to see you hurting. Whatever you're thinking about, it isn't your fault. It's the fault of anyone who decided to blame you because I know your personality type. It's so self-sacrificing, it's painful."
"That doesn't mean it isn't my fault."
"Well then tell me, how is anything your fault."
"People could always tell I was different, even before they met me or talked to me. Maybe it's an evil aura, I don't know. I just know that every time I've tried to make a friend, I try to help them and screw it up! That's why I've never had friends! Because I can't do a single fucking thing right!"
"That's not your fault."
"How is it not my fault? I'm the one who screwed everything up!" I shouted. Why didn't he understand? If I screw up, it's my own fault. No one else is to blame.
"Because I bet the only things you ever did to them were to be kind in the only way you know how: to take action and talk later. When you take action, you do more than anyone expects, or can even consider normal because that's what you are, not normal."
"Thanks. That's so helpful." I rolled my eyes. He just doesn't get it.
"I bet they were freaked out by the things that you could do but they couldn't. That's what I mean by not normal. You were more physically capable, but they didn't see that you were emotionally the same as them. They left you alone, and that is their fault, not yours. It was their choice, so that makes it their problem. There was nothing wrong with you, but they made you think there was. To cope, you created problems so that you would have some action or some reason to blame it on, correct?"
So what if I fought people? They hated me before I did that, but that was just another reason to hate me, and eventually it was the main reason. It's not my fault that people kept provoking me, but it was my fault for beating them up as badly as they did. I didn't want them near me, and that kept them away, so my loneliness was my fault, not theirs. After all, it was proved again by them after the camping trip.
"No." I replied.
"I know I'm right, because the reason you started hurting yourself is because you couldn't take the fact that there was no one to help you when you needed it because they were all prejudiced pricks who couldn't see a good kid when he was standing in front of them."
"Yukio was the good kid, not me."
"Enough about Yukio. I'm pissed enough at him already."
"Why would you be mad at Yukio? He hasn't done anything wrong." I stated. Yukio is innocent of everything, just like I made it. Yukio doesn't have to suffer because I am suffering for both of us. Yukio is too good a person to feel this type of hurt.
"Yes he has. He left you alone too, and betrayed you when you needed help the most. So did we, for that matter." Bon said.
"No he didn't! He's my brother! He's always been there!" I exclaimed.
"No, he hasn't. Tell me, how did the person you are closest to, the first person you can think of to call a friend, your own brother, not notice when there was anything wrong, upsetting you, or even just bothering you or annoying you a little?" he asked.
"Because I never let him see it!"
"And when it was obvious?"
"It never was!"
"When your dad was killed by Satan, there's no way you wouldn't have been upset. Yukio told you to die. I call that a betrayal."
"No! He was upset too! Those were just words! He didn't mean it! Even if he did, he was still right!"
"Doesn't matter, and he was absolutely wrong. No one has the right to tell their family to just die. Not under any circumstances. Family is supposed to work together, not against each other." Bon commented.
I didn't know what to think. Yukio is the perfect one. He can do no wrong. He was right when he told me that I should die. Satans bloodline shouldn't continue. Evil demons like me shouldn't be allowed to live.
"When was the last time that the two of you had an honest-to-God talk? No lies, no secrets, just a talk about how you feel about each other and your current lives and all that." Bon questioned.
"I don't know. I don't think we ever have. It doesn't work that way."
"Then no wonder the two of you are having such problems! You don't communicate with each other, so how do you expect to help each other?" Bon exclaimed, exasperated by the level of stupidity the twins displayed.
"I don't need help. I already know how to fix my own problems. When Yukio needs help, I just beat up the guy who caused it. Bullies run scared when there's someone tougher around to protect their prey." I replied.
"Of course you need help sometimes. You're human! You aren't perfect, you aren't a robot! Without help, humans will crack and break until they can't fix themselves properly anymore. If someone is broken, then they don't have a clear perspective about what is or isn't proper help because anything that doesn't seem to be making it worse must be good."
"I guess that makes sense, but what do you mean by doesn't seem to be making it worse? If it feels worse, it's making it worse. If it feels better, it's making it better. It's that simple."
"No, it isn't." Bon explained, "Just because it's temporarily better, doesn't mean that it isn't harmful in the long run."
"Self harm is not harmful in the long run unless you don't know what you're doing and cut something stupid, like a vein or an artery. I know what I'm doing, and I'm always careful." I responded coldly.
"Yes it is harmful in the long run because all it does is let you ignore the problem for a little while while it gets worse. At the same time, you don't develop the healthy relationships you need to cope with these problems and that slows down future recovery from said problem." Bon explained.
"But the problem is fixed."
"No, it's just pushed back for a while. It isn't solved or it wouldn't come back. That's why you need someone who will stick by you and not give up on trying to help you, even if it takes a long time, even if you always want to go back to old habits." Bon extended a hand, "This needs to go both ways. Want to try talking about your problems before you go to a blade?"
"You aren't telling me I have to stop?"
"No, I'm just asking that you come to me or someone else first. If it doesn't work or doesn't help, I can't stop you from doing what you feel you need to do. You are yourself, your own boss, and I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. So what do you say? I'm not telling you to stop cutting, so will you stop telling me to stop trying to help you?" his hand was still extended.
I sat there, thinking. I don't need any help from anyone, but he is actually listening to me. I mean, I could always just pretend to talk to him and then go cut like I want to. It's up to me, and like he said, he can't stop me from doing anything I don't want to do.
"Do you feel like cutting right now?"
"Not especially." I admitted.
"Then that should answer any questions you have about whether or not talking actually helps, since I know you were looking for one of your blades when you got back here." his hand was still out.
Crap. I forgot about that detail.
I smirked, "Well, you're too late on that point, stupid chicken. Shura beat you to it."
"What? First Shima, now Shura of all people?" he exclaimed.
"I know, you're losing your touch. You might not be the smartest one around anymore." I joked.
"Haha, you're right. Maybe I'm not the smartest around, but I'm still right. Since we agree that talking helps, accept the offer?" Bon gestured with his hand, still waiting for me to accept.
What the hell? At the very least, it's just words. Words can't do any harm on their own, and if he's really going to listen... I grabbed Bon's extended hand and gave a good shake. "I guess it's a deal then."