Chapter 29

What in the world did I just agree to? My hand fell to my side and Bon gave me a smile.

"Good. I'll have to hold you to that." Bon stood up and walked to the door, "I'm going downstairs for a bit, so don't work yourself up too much."

With that, he left, and I was left here alone. It's not breaking the deal because we just talked.

Instead of using the razor I stashed in between my textbooks, I went to my desk and opened the drawer. I took out my last sharpener and the screwdriver. I placed the lid of the sharpener on the floor and focused my thoughts. I sent out just a bit of my flame and melted the plastic away from the blade, then I took out the screw and had my prize in my hand.

I pinched the blade between my fingers and dragged the sharp edge all the way along the top of my left arm, from halfway up my upper arm to the wrist. The blood puddled nicely and spilled over the edge of the small canyon I just made on my limb. So much for sharpening pencils.

I need to clean this up before Bon sees it. Hopefully with my demonic healing, I'll be able to get away with just wearing a sweater or long sleeved shirt for a couple of days.

I made my way to the bathroom on this floor. Bon said he was going downstairs, so I should be safe from him accidentally walking in on me and seeing this. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't understand if I tried to explain my logic to him. He'd probably tell me that it doesn't make any sense and that I just broke the deal. I can't have him get mad at me, not yet.

I turned on the cold water and ran my arm under the tap, at least as much of it as I could fit under the tap. Sinks are small and arms are long. The water ran bright pink for a while, but eventually became mostly clear. The shirt I'm thinking of is a dark blue, so small spots shouldn't be noticed. The cloth is thick enough anyways, so the spots shouldn't show through.

I went back to my room and switched my shirt. Bon probably won't question it. I hope he won't, anyways. I guess I can just tell him that the other one was dirty. He'll probably believe that.

Why the hell did I just do that anyways? I thought I didn't feel like cutting and then the urge just hit me out of nowhere! There's no reason for it I just had to. I did it, now I deal with it. That's how it always is. I'll just go downstairs, maybe take a walk outside. Maybe that'll help.

I took off towards the stairs and jumped down them two or three at a time. Why am I so tense all of a sudden? There's no reason for this, there shouldn't be.

When I reached the first floor, I was about to head outside, but for some reason I stopped. My hand is on the handle, I fully intend on leaving the building, but I've stopped here. Why?

I listened to my surroundings, looked about, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yukio's room is just at the end of that hall...

I've never actually been down to the first floor since Yukio moved out of our room. Not unless you count heading up the stairs the day before we went to Kyoto. I haven't been to see Yukio yet, and he's my little brother. I can't just ignore him like that. I can't leave him alone when I know all too well what it feels like to be lonely. Too hell with what Bon said about Yukio being to blame, I want to see my little brother. I have some things I need to talk to him about too.

I made my way towards Yukio's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I guess he must be out for a bit, or maybe taking a bath or something. I walked towards the bathroom to see if he might be there when an all too familiar smell hit my nose.

Blood. And it wasn't coming from my arm.

I strode quickly over to the bathroom door and thrust it open.

What the hell did you get yourself into, Yukio?

Rin had gotten out of solitary confinement, he had to give a report about how his brother had been so successful, and he wasn't able to do anything to help stop the Impure King himself. After all of that, Rin had come up to him and tried to be nice to him! Rin had cared that he looked tired even after he had punched his brother in the face! Yukio found it unbelievable. Why was Rin so much better than him?

He had been training to be an exorcist since he was a little kid, yet his brother, who had been training for only a few months, had already managed to surpass his abilities. Yukio knew it only too well, how much he hated himself.

He had tried giving himself a couple of days to calm down, to think this through, but he couldn't get past it. The entire time, since Rin had defeated the massive demon in Kyoto, the urge to cut had been growing stronger. As much as he wanted to continue denying it, Yukio knew that he couldn't just say that he wasn't a cutter, that he didn't like it.

Why did he like it? He didn't know. It just felt right to do the deed when he felt the call. Was it worth analyzing? Maybe, but he didn't really care anymore. Maybe he had deluded himself into thinking he was doing it for Rin, but that wasn't really true, was it? This whole time, the only reason he had tried to approach this scientifically was to figure this out for himself.

If Rin hadn't begun self-harming, maybe Yukio wouldn't have considered it either. This coping method was right in front of him, so he had decided to test it out. Of course he knew of self-harm before all of this started, but it wasn't really real to him until recently when he found out that Rin was a cutter. It suddenly made it real, and Yukio had wanted to try it for himself.

That bullshit about trying to understand his brother? That's all it was, bullshit. He knew he would never understand exactly what Rin was feeling, just like Rin would never understand what he was feeling. They are different people, thus have different thoughts and reasons.

Maybe it was in his nature to copy the people he looked up to. Maybe Todo was right. Yukio didn't know, and at this point, it didn't really matter. He had to admit it to himself, he was a cutter, though a rookie at it. He'd never be able to do it like his brother. He also had the disadvantage of human-speed healing abilities. It would take longer, meaning he'd have to hide it all much longer.

But that didn't really matter in the end either, did it? He hated himself, he knew that he was trash compared to his brother, and if his brother thought so lowly of himself, then what did that make Yukio?

Worse than nothing, that's what that made him. Yukio picked up the razor blade he'd become so fond of and left his room. He closed the door behind him and made his way to the bathroom, letting the door swing closed. What if he tried vertical cuts this time?

No, he wasn't going to kill himself, he just wanted to see if it would be any different. Just simple curiosity, nothing more. He had held off of cutting until now, so he was hoping it would bring him the expected relief from his raging emotions.

Yukio held the blade over the inside of his left forearm, just to the side of the vein and an inch from his wrist. He pinched tightly with his fingers and pressed slowly with the metal so that he could see each bit of skin split away from the shaving tool, emotions slipped away from his awareness as he slid further up his arm.

He had gotten near his elbow and removed the metal from his arm, relishing the numbness that comes with the act. It wasn't a deep line, only splitting the skin, just enough to bleed without immediately clotting. It didn't even hurt, really. Cutting had stopped hurting a long time ago. Once again, he was thankful that the exorcist uniforms were long-sleeved, black, and heavy. He couldn't help but feel a small dissatisfaction, though, when he realized that his arms didn't match.

On the plus side, he was ambidextrous. Yukio switched the blade to his left hand and placed it over the same spot on his right forearm, focusing to keep the razor from slipping out of his now wet fingers. As he was about to make his next slice, the bathroom door burst open.

Rin stared first at the blade Yukio's hand, then his left arm, then his right. The older twin strode over and slapped the razor out of the hand of the younger. It clattered to the floor a few feet away as the two brothers looked each other in the eye.

Yukio felt guilt and dread flow back into his stomach. He was caught, red-handed and dripping on the floor. He slowly pushed himself away from his brother, leaving a short trail of bloody left-hand prints on the floor.

There was no way out of this one.

After a few moments, Rin spoke up.

"Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk."

I looked at the blade in my brothers hand. Why would he consider ever picking one up? My gaze shifted to the bloody mess on his left arm. It's such a familiar sight, but I never wanted to see is on his body. Then I looked at his clean right arm, razor perched over his wrist. He was staring back at me, and I could only think that he knew he was caught.

And he knew that I wouldn't let him do that a second time.

I strode over to him quickly and slapped his hand, causing him to drop the razor blade he'd been holding. It hit the floor only a few feet away, but a few feet is far enough. He won't make a grab for it, not with me here to see it.

Yukio slowly started pushing himself across the floor, away from me. At least he wasn't moving towards the blade. Is he afraid of me? Does he feel guilty? The short trail of bloody hand prints lead me to believe that he's afraid, at least, of my reaction. What can I do now? How can I help my brother when I know he's not inclined to trust me and probably doesn't want to talk about this?

I know I certainly didn't want to talk about this when I was in his position, but Bon made me. I guess it sort of worked. Yeah, I still cut, I don't want to give up my blades, ever, but I don't want Yukio to continue. Maybe that's hypocritical of me, but I don't really care. I just need my little brother to stop hurting like this. I need him to be the Yukio that I used to know, used to take care of, used to beat up bullies for. I want Yukio to be happy, regardless of what Bon says about him.

Though it is extremely hypocritical of me to be saying this to him, I need to say this. I need Yukio to know that he has to get over this.

"Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk."