We were in the midst of a now very intense Soccer game, score was tied, one minute left on the clock. Tsukune, through all his failure, let someone get the ball from him just as he was in scoring range. I was the goalie, standing there with my arms crossed, a blade of grass in my mouth. The dude advanced pretty quick, then kicked the ball to send it in over my head.
"THAT won't work!" I said, jumping up and headbutting the ball with enough force to send it into the other teams goal, although it threw me off balance and made me spin in the air 15 times, but hey, I still got the goal. "Total. Badass." I smirked while everyone cheered.
"Not bad at all, man." Damion congratulated me.
"Yeah, Sai, that was awesome." He said.
"Well, someone has to fix your mistakes, right? So what if it gave me a concussion." I said, then dropped like a sack of potatoes.
"You think he's faking it?" Tsukune asked.
"Probably. He made a joke when you shot him in the head, so why wouldn't he about this." Damion said.
"Dammit, you guys know me too well." I said, doing the martial arts get up. We walked along the path until we met up with Moka, who, guess what? Sucked Tsukune's blood.
"It was delicious as always, thank you, Tsukune!" She said, then picked up her bags, started off, but then turned around to face us. "We'd better get a move-on or we're gonna be late!" She said.
"Like I care. I highschool I always showed up to each class like 10 minutes late." I said (no I don't).
Later in class...
"Okay, everyone! It's time for you all to join a club!" Ms. Nekonome said.
"Huh. I wonder if they have a 'make fun of Heihachi Mishima's hairstyle' club?" I wondered.
"I... Don't think that's a good idea." Damion said.
"Oh, hell no." I said, remembering what happened to DINO after I dared him to do that in exchange for buying his game. The end result was Heihachi royally FUCKED HIM UP and I didn't buy the game (SUCKER!).
"A club?" Tsukune said, then it looked like he was having another annoying little fantasy as he started nuzzling his desk, to which Saizou, Kurumu, Moka, Damion and I all stared at.
"The hell is his issue?" Saizou asked.
"No clue, my friend, no clue." I said.
"As you all know, the focus of this school is to prepare our monsters to adapt to human society," Ms. Nekonome explained, "Through participation in these clubs, you'll learn to act just like humans, appreciate arts they've developed and deepen your understanding of the human culture," She then pointed to the board, which had a picture of her with her tail sticking out, looking all ditzy with the words "beautiful female monster" next to it and a picture of her facing straight forward, apparently with the tail away, looking totally serious with the words "Beautiful female office worker" next to it, "Now in order for your transformation into the human form to be perfect, you have to have a firm grasp on humans themselves. And remember this: You must never reveal your monster form, no matter what!" She said.
"Ugh. She already told us this. And you know, her lessons are usually what makes up most of these chapters." I said.
"What are you talking about?" Saizou asked.
"Breaking the fourth wall, Saizou, you wouldn't understand." I explained.
"Um, excuse me." A student in front of us said, raising his hand.
"Yes?" She asked.
"Your tail." He said, pointing to it to inform her that her cat tail was sticking out. "MEOW!" She whined, scratching his face, leaving him with scratches that looked like a sideways tic-tac-toe board.
"Da fuq?!" I asked.
"What the hell?! She can't do that, can she?!" Damion asked.
"Don't forget to check out the Newspaper club! I'm the overseer of that one!" She said.
"Ain'tagonnahappen." Damion said.
"Fuggetaboutit." I said in my voice of Enzo from Bayonetta.
Later at the club convention, or whatever the hell it was...
People were all over, handing out invitations to each club, none of which were your average, everyday club.
"There's a ton of different clubs to choose from, huh?" Tsukune said.
"I'm gonna go look for a club that teaches you how to disembowel things." I said, starting off.
"You'll stay right here." Damion said, grabbing my shoulder, pulling me back.
"Hey, I've got a good idea! Let's all join the same club!" She said.
"I was afraid she'd say that." Damion said.
"You know what this means? We're gonna join a club that only she likes and we have to pretend to like it, but really we're just gonna be pissed and wanna kill everyone." I said.
"Come and take pictures of ghosts with us!" Said a creepy dude who looked like a paper cut-out. Moka screamed and clung to Tsukune.
"Da fuq?!" I said.
"Who the hell failed doing your animation!?" Damion asked.
"Acupuncture club?" A dude with green skin, covered in needles asked. Moka screamed at him, too and held onto Tsukune.
"Da double fuq?!" I asked.
"Fuck that." Damion said.
"Mummy club?" A dude wrapped up like a mummy asked. Moka now jumped into Tsukune's arms and he held her bridal style, putting her panties on display.
"I'm starting to think this entire episode is on crack." I said, looking at Damion.
"This from the guy who wanted to look for a disembowelment club?" He asked.
"Make love potions with the chemistry club!" A dude in a lab coat said as they all held out potions to Moka, causing her to scream again.
"No." Damion said.
"Next." I said.
"Moka. Drink this!" He said again.
"NEXT." I said more assertively.
"Mine's better!" Another guy said, holding his out while they now had us cornered against a wall.
"NEEEEEEXT!" I shouted, blasting them away with fire.
We then saw a large group of guys swarming around one club stand. There was a girl there with long, aquamarine hair, dressed in a bikini. "My name is Tamao Itomuse. Come join me and my friends in the swimming club, guys." She said.
"Swimming club seems normal enough." Tsukune said, which caused Damion to hiss at him.
"At the moment, the swimming club doesn't have any boys, so that means any guys who join up now are sure to get a lot of personal service from us. So, what do you say, huh? Who wants to sign up?" She said, getting every guy's attention except mine and Damion's.
Meanwhile, Moka, Damion and I glared at Tsukune, who we knew was going to choose this one. "I think we found a winner, guys! I used to take soccer and do swimming lessons at one point" He said.
"Screw you guys. I'm going home." I said, walking off.
"Wait, Sai, why?" He asked.
"Are you really THAT stupid. I'm a fire monster. Fire and water, do the math. If you have 5 brain cells, you can get the answer." I told him, still walking away. Then I thought of something. "If you see Kurumu or Yukari, however, tell them I DID join the club." I told him.
"Yeah, screw it, I'm out, too." Damion said, walking after me.
"Oh, right, you're a vampire, you can't go in." I said after thinking for a minute as to why he wouldn't join.
"I think the only good club choice is Nekonome's newspaper club." He said.
"Okay." I said, putting on a hockey goalie's mask.
"You know, I just hope Moka has the sense enough to join a different club." Damion said.
"She's smarter than me or you, of course she does." I said.
Later in what I'm guessing was the Newspaper club's room...
"So, I'm guessing we're the only kids who bothered joining?" Damion asked.
"We're not kids. We're officially adults." I said, pulling out a bottle of Vodka.
"Of course, you're not the only members here, silly." Ms. Nekonome said, stealing the bottle from me, to which I sank down in disappointment.
Suddenly, the door opened to reveal another male student who kinda looked like Tracy from Pokemon entered. "Hey, sorry I'm late. I was picking up news for my next story.
"About time we meet another male character in this anime. Seems trustworthy enough." I said.
"I... Guess." Damion said.
"This is Gin. A second years student, so he'll be the leader of the club." She said, then left.
"As always, she leaves the important stuff to other people." Damion said.
"Who doesn't?" I asked, remembering the time me and Nero had to fight a giant dragon destroying Manhattan and I just left after saying "screw you guys. I'm going home".
"Well, I was kinda hoping for more members, but, oh well." He said.
"Blame Nekonome for that one, she sliced up a kid's face in class." Damion said.
"Well, might as well share a little bit about ourselves. I'm Ginei Morioka. I wasn't supposed to show up until next episode, but you guys chose this club, so I'm here." He said.
"Yeah, I needed to think of a plot twist." I said, tossing Loki's scepter in the air a few times.
"Well, care to share about yourself?" He asked.
"I'm Sai Blade. I come from a badass ninja clan, I can throw fire, go Super Saiyan and my two personal heroes are Deadpool and Richard from the Looking For Group comic series. Funny guys, but just as likely to kill you for no reason, then make jokes about it. I plan on using some of their running jags down the road, but I can't think of one right now" I said, until I caught the scepter wrong, causing the blade to impale my hand. I looked at it for a moment, then looked back at him. "Nevermind, got one. And don't worry, I'm okay." I said.
"I'm Damion. I'm a badass assassin who lost everything, now I'm here, trying to find out more about my family's disappearance and if they're still alive." Damion said.
"Deep." I said with a considerate nod.
"Anyway, as for the club itself, I think I'll save the big speech for when we have more members, but you guys should get the gist of it, right?" He asked.
"Yeah, take pictures of P.O.I's and interrogate people on what they know about the subject." I said, then looked over at Damion after pulling out the scepter. "P.O.I's are points of interest." I explain.
"Basically yes. And as for our first story, how about the Swimming Club Scandal?" He asked, which caused both of us to look at him with red exclamation points above our head.
Later on the roof near the pool...
"I'm getting used to the fact that we're always on the roof, but I'm just curious as to no matter what location on the roof we choose to go to, there's always a way there. You'd think some places would be off-limits or something." I said.
"Ignore it. It's another useless plot point." Damion said.
"Okay, so supposedly, their gonna try the same thing they did last year: Steal the souls of the men in the club," Gin explained, "So we're spying on them to get evidence."
"I feel like a pervert spying like this," I said, "Then again, I spy on Kyrie in the shower, but that's only to piss off Nero."
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Damion said.
"Kinda surprised you guys didn't go for that club. Good thing you didn't though." gin said.
"I'm a vampire. Water kills me." Damion said.
"And I can swim, I just drown after 10 minutes of being in water at all. I'm NOT the guy you call in for the water missions. The only thing I can do with water safely is drink it. Unless of course I'm taking a shower." I explained.
"Either way, from the look of it, everything is peaceful for now, but we shouldn't give up just yet." Gin said, staring at the girls.
"I'm starting to feel like this was just something you made up." I said, looking at the stars in his eyes.
"Well, Moka's leaving." Damion said as he noticed just that. Unfortunately, water splashed on her and she got weakened and was sparking with electricity.
"She's a conduit!" I said.
"That's what happens to vampires when you put water on them." Damion explained.
I looked at him, then pulled out a water balloon and threw it at his face, getting the desired reaction. "I guess you're right." I said, then ran as he started chasing me with a bigass sword. "Now, now, we can settle this without violence!" I said. I jumped further and then turned and raised my hands, surrounded by fire. "But violence IS more fun!" I smirked. He responded my making his sword even bigger, probably as big as the pool. "It's not how big your fwoosh is. It's how you use it." I said, giving my fire more fwoosh until he crushed me with the sword.
"Hey, guys, you'll wanna see this." Gin said.
We came back, or more accurately, I limped back until my healing process finished and we both deadpanned as nothing happened except they were now playing pool games. Kurumu then started singing, but one line in particular caught my ear: "I don't bear these fruits for just anyone, they bounce and bounce for you!"
"Is she seriously singing a song about her boobs?" I asked.
"Wouldn't put it passed her." Damion replied.
After a long time...
"You know, these events are fun to watch and Kurumu and Yukari are good singers, but it doesn't look like there's anything out of the ordinary here." I said.
"Yeah, but maybe we should watch just a little longer!" Gin said, now drooling.
"Did you HAVE to introduce him this chapter?" Damion asked.
"Yes. Otherwise, we wouldn't have know about the events and been able to help." I said.
"Okay, here's where it gets fun. Look's like they're gonna start playing chicken!" Gin said happily.
"On second thought..." I said, making giant fire come from both hands.
"Wait a second, I need someone else to confirm this: A: how is it not illegal for these girls to be ripping off each others swimsuits and B: Is Yukari biting Kurumu's boobs?" Damion asked.
I looked back and confirmed. "Yes, yes it is." I said.
Eventually, Yukari ripped off Kurumu's bikini top and Tamao brought Tsukune in the water for a swim. Once Yukari did that, though, Gin fell back and passed out from getting over-excited. At least he didn't get the nosebleed.
"Let's draw on him. Oh, wait! I'll draw on him, you get a bucket of warm water." I told Damion, only to be met with a solid glare."Oh, yeah, right. Nevermind, I'll do it." I said, getting the bucket of water and putting his hand in it as Damion started drawing on his face.
"Hold up." He said, suddenly looking at the pool. "Oh, shit, he was right after all!" Damion said.
I looked to see the swim club girls all turned into mermaids, except Kurumu and Yukari and started biting the guys, turning them into prunes of corpses.
"What should we do? We gotta get down there and help! But how? If either of us touches THAT MUCH water, we're dead." Damion planned.
"Let me take care of this, Dam." I said, pulling out Loki's scepter, tossing it into the air, catching it and aiming it into the center of the pool. "I'MM FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!" I said, blasting into the middle of the pool. They panicked and scattered, luckily avoiding my shots, but they were still getting the guys.
"What's going on? Why are my pants wet?!" Gin asked.
"Well, you were right Gin. This will make one hell of a story." Damion said, taking pictures.
Suddenly, Moka came from nowhere and dove into the pool.
"Remember what I said about her being smarter than us? Apparently, I lied." I said.
Tsukune tried to save her, but then Tamao grabbed him. She was about to take a bite, but luckily, Kurumu saved him. "Man, we are not doing a whole lot." I said.
"Didn't you want Moka to fight this one?" He asked.
"Oh, yeah." I said.
Moka sank, then Tsukune swam down after her. It took probably 2 minutes, but that means that they sank a lot.
"Damn, that must be a deep pool." I said, throwing a fireball at another mermaid.
"I've got an idea to beat all the mermaids except Tamao in one shot. Sai, fire up. A LOT." Damion said. I did so and he threw me like a spear into the pool, as soon as I hit the water it created a mushroom cloud explosion, knocking them all out except Tamao.
"Sai Blade for the win!" I said, getting out of the pool after punching her in the face. At that moment, Moka resurfaced.
"Now, listen. You've been nothing but a giant pain in my ass." Moka said, glaring at Tamao.
"You're talking to her, right? I just helped SAVE your ass." I said.
"She's so powerful! I never expected this!" Tamao said, shocked. "But she's still a vampire!" She said, splashing Moka with water.
"Did you expect this?" I asked, putting a bucket over her head.
"Sai, leave her to me. She's just a little minnow." She said.
Tamao took a break from attempting to drown me and looked up at her. "Minnow? You'll pay for that!" She said, throwing me out of the pool and going underwater to rush Moka. "Vampires are weak in water, but for a mermaid like me, being in the water is home territory. Now way in hell do you have a chance of winning here!" She said, now almost right to Moka.
"What would happen if I made the water so hot it turned you into a fish stick? Or if I just turned all the water into steam. Steam burns SUCK." I said evilly.
"Oh, you think so?" Moka asked the mermaid, jumping into the air.
"Too slow!" Tamao said, jumping after her.
"Hey, Tamao, guess what?! You're not in the water anymore, you're way up in the air! Is that still home territory?" I asked.
"I can't believe you took the bait like that, just like a fish." Moka taunted.
Tamao merely laughed like she still had a chance. "Die!" She said, lunging for the bite.
"Know... Your... Place!" Moka said, kicking her with incredible force, making it look like a projection kick.
Tamao was launched back down and landed in the hoop for water basketball or whatever it was, getting stuck in it. "Dammit. How did she defeat me so easily?" She asked.
"do you really have to ask? That'd be like getting surprised or wondering what happened after Superman took down Spiderman in one hit." I said.
Tsukune came back to Moka, got slapped in the face and Moka took back her Rosary. "You listen to me. You don't understand a single thing about her, so don't pretend like you do. You're a little boy who can't think of anyone but himself. Consider her feelings sometime! She was crying her eyes out" She snapped, walking away.
"Not gonna lie, dude, you TOTALLY deserved that." I said, putting my arm on his shoulder, which then turned to a coal version of an arm and fell off. "Huh. That happened. I may wanna look into that." I said, picking it up and trying to put it back on. "It won't stay on. Who has some super glue?" I asked, looking around.
Later...
Tsukune apologized to Moka, Damion and I were there for some reasons, then they began discussing what club they should join."Well, if you really wanna be in it, then let's just join the swimming club! I won't be able to swim of course, but at least I can cheer you on." She said.
"You're still considering being in that club after the shit they pulled?!" I asked.
"I'm amazed no one shut them down after the story we gave them." Damion said.
"Story?" They asked.
"Yeah, we joined Nekonome's newspaper club, since it's the only NORMAL club in this ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL." Damion said.
"Yeah and I'm still accepting members if you guys wanna join." Ms. Nekonome said, being above us near the pool.
"Let's do it!" Tsukune said.
"Uh-huh." Moka nodded.
"You all hold on, you're not joining any club without me!" Kurumu said, running up.
"Yeah, yeah, I wanna be in it, too!" Yukari said, also running towards us.
"Can I never be rid of them?" I said, looking up at the sky.