Title: Rollercoaster, Favourite Ride
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Elliot has left SVU - and it hits Olivia hard. His departure has some implications for her work life and her personal life. She tries to figure out what it means for her own identity, her new marriage, and her work situation. In the midst of it all, she's also having to navigate new squad members at work and still deal with being the mother of a sick child. This story takes place just several months after the conclusion of Undeserved in my AU series of stories.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. My stories are not EO and never will be. You may want to read some of my other ones for context on the characters in this AU first - though, it's likely fairly self-explanatory on its own too.
WARNING: THIS STORY MIGHT KIND OF BE A SPOILER FOR READERS OF UNDESERVED.
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS PROBABLY A BORDERLINE M.
The way Will was just looking at her and smiling, rubbing his fingers across her cheekbone, she couldn't help but smile back. She sometimes hated when he would do that – gaze at her so intently and with this look of almost too much happiness and relaxation in his face, his little grin and his beautiful eyes. It was so intense that sometimes she felt like she had to look away – so she did and nuzzled his shoulder for a moment instead. He just moved his hand to stroking her hair instead as she shifted her position against him.
"I really like what you've been doing with your hair lately," he said at a near whisper, as he worked at running his fingers through it and rearranging it – stopping to just cup and stroke her head.
"Hmm," she mumbled against him. "I'm sure it looks fantastic right now."
She felt him give a little snort of a laugh, his airflow briefly changing and catching in a way she could feel against her cheek where she'd now rested her cheek against his chest.
"Kind of looks like you enjoyed yourself," he admitted. "A little messy."
She smiled against him – and glanced up at him again, catching his eyes. They were a vibrant green right now. They always were during their lovemaking. She could actually watch them change and darken with his lust, enjoyment and arousal as they worked each other's bodies towards their own endgames. In the minute or so before his orgasm, Will's eyes would get so dark and then she could watch them fade again back to their sparkling grey as he settled beside her and their colouring came down and faded with the rest of his body.
She kind of loved watching it. She just loved Will's eyes generally. There were times she thought it would be worth the risks involved in trying to get pregnant again and trying to carry another baby to term – if it meant that their baby might end up with those sparkling and mysterious eyes. Though she suspected even if they ever did manage to conceive her dominant brown-eyed genes would beat out his recessive grey.
She'd noticed early on that Will's eyes changed colour – with his moods and the seasons and sometimes just more generally with the light. His mother had been quick to point out after she started getting to spend some Sunday dinners there that different colours reflected different moods in her son. May had shared it like it was some sort of secret information – but to Olivia it had always been kind of obvious.
Will would get little blue flecks in his irises when he was feeling particularly uplifted or goofy – relaxed and happy. When he was down around his pupil would start to take on brown hues until eventually his whole eye would look almost a hazel, if he was really upset or had been crying. The green in his eyes seemed to come out when he was under-pressure, nervous or anxious. Usually it was just the little flecks like the blue – unless they were making love and then the whole eye would betray the build up in the rest of his body. The green also came out when he was battling a migraine. So she figured some of it had to do with blood flow generally.
She knew he kind of hated that she'd become attuned to the changes in his eyes – and that she could generally read what he was feeling even when he didn't want to talk about it. But she kind of liked it. Will wasn't much for talking about his feelings or emotions – expect for in short outbursts that he usually ended up feeling sorry for or deeply embarrassed by, depending on if he'd raised his voice at her or if he'd let some tears fall. It helped her, though, to know where he was at and what he needed from her. She knew Will felt betrayed by his body because of it – but she was thankfully it happened.
She also had to admit she kind of liked what happened to his eyes while they were having sex more than a little bit. Early in their relationship she'd opted to keep the lights out for more than a few reasons when they were in the bedroom. Some times she still preferred in that way. Will was a watcher. He was constantly examining her during their love-making, watching their joint movements, watching for the changes in her body, watching her breathing, watching her face, meeting her eyes. She found it really disconcerting to be that looked at in moments of such openness and vulnerability. It took her time to become comfortable under his gaze. But as she learned more about his body too and as she had noticed during their foreplay – before the shift was made to the bedroom or before she reached for the bedside lights – that his eyes made a rapid and visual progression in colour, and she started reaching for the lights less. She wanted to watch the full extent of it. She could see and feel what she did to him in other ways. She knew he was attracted to her. She knew he loved her. But to watch his eyes during it all – to see the change in them – there was a different level to it.
One positive about Elliot's notable absence over the past three months had been the changes Olivia had seen in her relationship with Will – especially their sex life. She didn't really want to over-analyze. But she knew part of it was because she'd suddenly felt a gaping hole in her life and had gone scrambling for ways to fill it, and she supposed for re-assurances from Will that he wasn't going anywhere. It had meant that she had initiated more with him. She was the one that would go seeking the touch and the affection – rather than him being the one reaching out to comfort her. She had initiated sex more often too, and Will certainly hadn't been complaining about that. She thought it had helped them, though. They were generally talking more – in a different way than before.
They seemed to have become good at laying and talking after their love-making now. Rather than them both making bathroom and shower trips and then doing some minor cuddling before falling asleep – they'd lay there and give each other time to come down and then talk quietly, sometimes for far too long. Sometimes the talking would lead to more holding and kissing and touching and more sex. Sometimes one of them would fall asleep in the middle of the conversation.
There was something about the vulnerability she felt right now with everything that was going on around her at work – the loss of her friend and partner – that it was in those moments when her and Will had quiet and alone time, when she'd already laid herself out completely vulnerable to him and he hadn't hurt her, it was then that she seemed to feel most open to letting it all out for him. They hadn't directly talked about it – but she sensed he recognized it and had adopted the change in their little routines readily.
She'd never really had a relationship with a man as long as she'd been with Will. She'd always kind of framed sex as just sex in the relationships she had had – beyond some of her early ones as a teen and in her early-20s. Back then she had still painted sex as something special and romantic - the foolishness and naivety of a young girl. Those views had quickly faded and she'd begun to see sex as just a physical need to be fulfilled from time-to-time or an obligation if she thought she wanted to date a man more than a few times.
Even her relationships that had spanned for more than just a handful of dates, she'd never really seen the sex as something that special. Sure, she'd had some good sex. She had even been with a couple men that had given her orgasms that had more than shaken her to her core. But there had also been a lot of bad sex – one-night stands of not knowing each other's wants or needs and just fumbling around to try to get what she wanted and needed out of them. It usually was pretty empty and a lot of time she didn't get what she wanted out of it anyways.
She wasn't sure she had really thought about what would happen with her and Will after sex was added to their relationship. At the time she just wanted to be touched and comforted and he was available. She hadn't really played out the rest of the scenario in her head. She hadn't really considered sex with him would mean a relationship with him – not just friends with benefits. She hadn't considered that a relationship with him meant that he'd be the only man she'd be having sex with for a very long time. She hadn't considered it would eventually mean they'd be married and living together and raising her son together. She thought if she had stopped and thought about all of that – if she hadn't just wanted his touch at that particular moment – she probably wouldn't have made a move. In fact, she probably would've been terrified and self-sabotaged. So, she supposed she was lucky that it all just kind of happened. She didn't have that much of a chance to over-think it.
She would've imagined that sex with the same person would get pretty boring pretty quickly. But even though in the two-and-half-years they'd been sexual partners they'd had their share of ruts of routine, and dry spells induced by exhaustion and interruption frustrations from Noah, and had to work through some of their issues, including her PTSD, it hadn't been boring. There was an intimacy to it that she hadn't ever really experienced. It wasn't just sex with Will. It was the intimacy of their whole relationship that got laid out each time. It was more about caring for the other person – and Will consistently demonstrated that to her inside and outside the bedroom.
Building a sex life with him had been an interesting experience too. Spending that much time with him in the bedroom and in her vulnerable moments, letting him explore her body. She'd become deeply connected to him. They'd both come to know so much about each other's bodies and how they worked – what they needed and what they liked. She knew exactly where to touch Will to get him going – to go from soft to hard and looking at her with those dark, green eyes. He knew the same for her – and could have her core aching for him all too quickly. He knew where to kiss her, where to touch her, her favourite positions for when she wanted different things, he knew when she liked it gently and when she wanted or needed it a bit faster and harder. She knew when he preferred her to be on top but that he always liked to be the one in control as he came. She knew his faces and could read his little sounds. She could feel his changes inside her and against her – his shifting movements – and could remind him to slow down or tell him to let go. And, as they'd gotten more comfortable with each other and as Noah got a bit older and slept through the night more regularly – they were getting more time to play and experiment and learn, shifting outside of just missionary or her on top and trying not to get too stuck in a standardized of a marriage-couple-wholesome-routine.
She wouldn't have imagined that it would all work out based on their early attempts at sex. Will had been so nervous and out of practice. He'd been fine with the making out and the getting undressed. She supposed he wasn't as out of practice there – but after that he'd kind of frozen in almost a terror. Beyond his shyness meaning that she'd basically had to guide him and give him permission to put his penis inside her, he'd hardly moved after he did get in. She'd had to assure him he was fine and she didn't expect miracles out of him. It definitely hadn't been a miracle. A few jerky movements and he was done and laying next to her in embarrassment and a string of apologies. Thankfully he'd somehow managed to work up the courage to try again and he'd slowly gotten back into his grove – and had actively placed efforts into making sure she was taken care of before he started his practice sessions.
But those first several times had been less than awesome for her. She knew he was really trying and he was definitely trying to make sure she didn't just feel like a dispensary but it had been awkward. She couldn't imagine herself having tolerated that with anyone but Will. But it was Will. He was her best friend. He was standing next to her every step of the way with Noah's cancer. He was a fucking widower who had the courage to tell her he'd gone almost a decade without sex – because he didn't want to be one of those guys who just went on a fucking-spree after the death of his wife, because he only wanted to have sex again with someone if it meant something not to just get laid. She really couldn't have just told him he wasn't very good. It would've completely fucked up their relationship more than what just fucking would've fucked up their relationship.
But she was glad she stuck with the awkwardness of that first month or so of pretty bad and short-lived sex – because Will had been a good student and he'd proven to be an extremely attentive and giving lover. She really felt that their bodies just fit together now and worked. She'd had some of the best sex she'd ever had with Will and it really was only getting better most of the time.
"It's the two-time lucky look," she told him and felt him give a silent laugh again.
He kept tangling his fingers in her hair, so she started tracing her own finger on the text of the Serenity Prayer across his ribs. She felt him twitch a couple times – he was so ticklish and his hand eventually came out of her hair and batted her hand away. She looked up at him again and placed a small kiss on his chest instead. But she pulled his arm towards her so she could examine it.
He'd gone and got more tattoos. She'd argued with him a bit about it. She didn't think he needed more. But it really had come down to it being his body and he could do with it as he pleased – to an extent. She liked this one, though, and found herself looking at it on the inside of his forearm a lot. She knew he'd gotten it there for him to look at and remind himself too. "We all have to decide what to do with the time that is given to us," the inscription said. His arm then had an olive branch going under it and a series of Chinese characters falling just under that, printing out: peace, comfort, shelter, family. The characters represented the origins of each of their names, at least according to Will, and he said, what he felt comprised their family.
When he'd told her about his plans for the tat, she'd told him she didn't agree with the tattoo – that she thought it was a little sappy, and she wasn't much for sappy. But the tattoo artist he'd gone to had done a beautiful job and she'd grown to like it, often taking a moment to look at it and run her fingers across the inscription and each of them – forever engraved onto his body.
"I love you," she told him quietly.
His hand moved and cupped her shoulder, holding her more tightly to him. "I love you too," he said.
She rubbed her cheek against his chest. They hadn't much been talking that night. At least not now. They had talked before they came upstairs. But there was really only so much she could say about it. There was really only so much Will could say back. She needed a break from thinking about it, really. But Will must've felt her mind turn that way again.
"Maybe you should just go over to his house," he said softly.
She shook her head against him. "I don't think that would be a good idea."
"Why not?" Will asked. "He's come over here before – to talk you into or out of things."
She sighed. "There's nothing to talk him out of now, Will. It's done."
He made a sound and she felt him shift his head more heavily onto the pillow behind his head.
"Well, just because he's left the job doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore," he said.
She shrugged. "He wants his space right now. If he wanted to talk to me, or see me, it'd be happening."
Will drew her tighter to him. "It's just stupid. He stood up with us at our wedding. I don't understand why he's being like this."
"It's just Elliot, Will," she sighed, wishing he'd drop it.
"It's not fair he's treating you like this," he said with a touch of anger in his voice.
She sat up a bit and looked at him, running her hand down his cheek. "I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight, Will. There's nothing more to say right now, OK?"
He watched her again – looking into her eyes and then his hand came back up to her face and he nodded, as he guided her back to him and into another kiss. So she settled back against him and tried to shift her attention to his lips and tongue and mouth – to enjoy it. She wouldn't think about Elliot while she was in bed with her husband, she told herself. She was done thinking about it all that night. She could think about it again in the morning – but not right now.