The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 2: A Fangirl and a Drug Dealer
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link found a portal, Navi went missing, Saria became a teenager and Ilia called her father fat.
Now for Chapter Two.
"I don't know how to herd goats!" Link said while he rode Epona into the ranch.
"It can't be that hard," Saria told him. "All you have to do is ride Epona around, getting all the goats into the barn."
"That still sounds hard!"
"Oh, hey there Link!" the guy from earlier greeted. "It's your turn to herd the goats! Just get those goats into the barn! But I have to warn you, though, ever since Talo tried to herd them yesterday, they've gotten a little crazy and will attack you if you whoop them too much."
"That makes it sound even harder!"
"Good luck!"
"Heh… This is gonna be good," Saria said, sitting on a nearby fence. Ilia popped up behind her.
"Hi!" she greeted. Saria jumped.
"HOLY CRAP! STOP DOING THAT!"
"… Sorry. I ignored my dad's orders and went into the woods. I didn't find your friend, but I also figured out that the drug man hasn't caught or seen her. So we're good for now. I just did an act of generosity by helping you!"
"But wouldn't ignoring your father's orders be a fault?"
"Well, uh…"
"And you also called him fat."
"My dad doesn't count. Hey, speaking of this, what do you think your list would be like?"
"Uh… I never thought about that…" Saria thought back to all those things she did in the past… and future. "It's not that bad."
"Is that a lie?"
"Nah. There isn't very much you can do when you've lived in a small village for such a long time. And of course I wouldn't be evil enough to steal from the store. By the way, what's the point of a store when the village is so small and everybody shares the same land? How does this place even make money, anyway?"
"We're a farm. We sell stuff that we grow. And the store sells stuff that you can't just get, like bee larvae for fishing bait and other random stuff that they made and are trying to sell."
Meanwhile out in the field, Link finally got the last goat into the barn.
"Augh! Finally!" Link said.
"That took… a while," the guy told him.
"It's Talo's fault! Not mine!"
"But the goats didn't even attack you!"
"It's still his fault!"
"Well, it's about dinner time. You better go home and eat somethin'."
The next morning…
"Hey!" Saria yelled, standing in front of Link. She gave him a push with her foot. "Wake up!"
"Go away, Navi, I'm too tired…" Link mumbled, rolling over.
"LINK! ARE YOU AWAKE YET?" a child's voice called from outside. "THERE'S SOMETHING I TOTALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT!"
"Get up!" Saria ordered, kicking Link.
"Okay, I'm up!" Link said.
"Why were you sleeping on the floor?"
"Because I don't have a bed for some dumb reason. There's a pillow and a blanket on that bookshelf, but it's way too small! I don't get it!"
Saria climbed up a ladder, pulled an easily visible, loose piece of wood with a handle up and took a pillow and a few blankets. (a futon)
"… What."
"You have a stored bed thing!" Saria told him. "The kind that you put away during the day so it's out of the way and take out at night to sleep! How did you not notice that?!"
"Oh…"
"LIIIIINK!" the kid's voice called again. "COME OUTSIDE!"
"All right, all right!" Link opened up his front door and looked outside. There were three kids out there.
"Hi! Did you hear? They're selling a slingshot at Beth's mom's shop!" the first kid(Talo) stated. He looked like he was about ten.
"I wonder how powerful it is…" the younger child pondered.
"I want it soooo badly!"
"Then buy it," the girl(Beth) said.
"I don't have enough money, that's the problem!"
"Then save up your allowance for once!"
"But our allowances are terrible…" the younger child(Malo) spoke.
"Oh, don't worry, kids! Just cut the grass and money will come out every once in a while!" Link told them.
"Really?! That's awesome!" Talo exclaimed. "I can get extra money cutting the neighbor's lawn for them!"
"Don't you even think about it, punk!" Beth yelled. "The slingshot's mine! All mine! My mom owns the shop, so I should get a discount!"
"I'm off to cut grass!"
"Don't you even think about buying my slingshot!"
"It doesn't belong to you yet," Malo said.
"Shut up, baby face! It's mine!"
"Excuse me? You did not… TRANSFORMING INTO ANGRY FIRE MODE!" Malo's small amout of hair turned into a large flame. "DESTROY ALL GREEDY HUMAN BEINGS!" Malo started throwing fire at Beth. Thankfully, though, nothing caught on fire because it was magical fire that could only hurt people. But then again, that would still cause a lot of damage. At least nothing burned down.
"Holy crap!" Beth ran into the village with Malo following her.
"… Well, that was an interesting series of… events," Saria spoke.
"Let's go buy the slingshot!" Link said. "I have enough money!"
"Did you even see that?! That kid's hair caught on fire and now he's trying to kill that teenaged girl! That's so awesome! Is he inhuman or something?!"
"Come on, let's go!"
"Go where?"
"To buy the slingshot."
"The kids want it. And you already have a slingshot at home."
"I don't have one here, and I'm buying it because I probably need it. They wouldn't sell something like that if I wasn't supposed to buy it!"
"Did you see how much those kids wanted it? I know this is strange coming with me, but buying it would be a risk to make the kids angrier than they already are."
"Oh please. If I buy the slingshot, they'll love me even more than before!"
"And how is that?"
"Because if I have it, then they know that they don't have to pay to use it."
"You're that nice?"
"Let's just go buy the slingshot."
"Link? You're buying the slingshot?" the lady behind the desk asked. "Are you buying it so the children can play with it? You better be, because I put this thing up for sale for them. It took me forever to make this thing!"
"Uh, there's a tag on it from a different store," Saria said.
"Oh! Don't pay attention to that! It doesn't mean anything! It definitely doesn't mean that I bought it from another store in Castle Town during a delivery!"
"Can he just buy the slingshot?"
"Sure, whatever."
Link got the slingshot!
"Wow! This one looks even better than my other one!" Link stated.
"Other one? If you already have one, why did you buy it?!" the lady asked. "Or are you buying for the children? Augh, I just can't stop worrying about my cat!"
"Let's just go," Saria whispered.
"Hey look, a monkey!" Link exclaimed.
"… A monkey?" Saria asked.
"A monkey! And it's holding a cradle!"
"Hello Link!" a strange looking man greeted from on top of a higher platform. "I see that monkey over there that has the cradle. I think it was stolen from Uli! Show it who's boss by sending a hawk over to attack it!"
"How?"
"You know, the hawk grass. You blow into it and it plays a song that summons a hawk that you can send wherever you want!"
"Cool!" Link climbed up some vines, picked some hawk grass and blew into it. A hawk landed on his arm. "Go attack the monkey!"
The hawk flew over and grabbed the cradle from the monkey.
"… I said attack it…" The hawk dropped the cradle into Link's hands.
"Hey, you got it back!" the strange man exclaimed. "You should go give it to Uli."
Some time later, Link had given the cradle back to her and got a fishing rod that her son had made for him.
"Cool," Link spoke.
"Oh, hello, you two!" a man greeted, walking up to the two. "I put presents in your houses. You're going to love them!"
"Is it a sword?" Saria asked excitedly.
"You have to find out for yourself!" the man(Rusl) walked back into the village.
"Hi Link!" Talo greeted. "I tried cutting the grass, but nothing came out. What's up with that?"
"Maybe it only works for me, or maybe it doesn't work here," Link said.
"Are you saying that it doesn't work in the village? Maybe I should try cutting grass in the woods!"
"Uh… I bought the slingshot."
"Wow, that's totally awesome! Can you shoot targets for us to prove your good aim?!"
"Good aim? That's Saria's thing, not mine."
"We'll set up a bunch of targets in these trees somehow so you can shoot them!"
A few minutes later…
"Shoot the scarecrows too!"
"I think this is all stupid," Beth stated. "I accept that my boyfriend- I mean Link gets the slingshot, which is much better than one of you immature little kids, but setting up all these targets is a waste of time."
"Immature little kids?" Saria asked. "Says the one who freaks out about a lame slingshot that wasn't even made by anyone in this village."
"I'll say…" Malo muttered.
"Excuse me? That thing is very high quality!" Beth said.
"Your mom got points taken away from honesty," Ilia stated, popping up again.
"Is that some kind of insult?"
"No, it's true. She didn't make that slingshot."
"Her mom tends to lie and freak out when she doesn't have her cat," Talo said. "And I find it a little bit creepy that Ilia keeps track of people's good and bad actions."
"You got one point on honesty!"
"See?! Now can you shoot down all those targets?"
"Can't I do it?" Saria asked. "It'll be so much faster! I want to find out what that present I got was! You'll like the results better! I could shoot them all down in ten seconds flat- oh crap, did I just say that?"
"My Little Pony reference!" Ilia stated.
"I think you can do it faster than that, Saria," Link spoke.
"This is a slingshot we're talking about. I could do it faster than that with a bow, but not a slingshot," Saria told him. She took the slingshot and rapidly fired seeds at all the targets and scarecrows.
"Eight seconds!" Talo exclaimed, holding a stopwatch. "It was even faster!"
"It would've taken Link much longer than that. Now I am going to go find out what my present was!" Saria ran into her house and opened up a treasure chest.
Saria got a Wooden Sword!
"… Seriously? A big, sanded stick? I can't even stab things with this! This thing is a disgrace to swords!"
Outside, after Link and Saria got their gifts…
"Wow! You got swords!" Talo exclaimed.
"More like sticks…" Saria muttered.
"Can you show us how to use them on that scarecrow?!"
"… Weren't there two there a minute ago?"
"Show us the horizontal slice! You just press B, right?"
"Wow, haven't heard about buttons in a long time," Link stated while Saria cut at the scarecrow. Talo copied her move with his play sword.
"Hey! I want Link to hit the scarecrow!" Beth complained.
"Too bad," Saria told her.
"Now a vertical slice!" Talo said. Saria vertically cut the scarecrow. "Wow! That's awesome! Can you stab it now?!"
Saria grinned and stabbed the scarecrow as hard as she possibly could. But she didn't get the results she wanted, which was the scarecrow breaking. Instead, it just bounced back.
"Stupid scarecrow! You were supposed to break!" Saria yelled.
"You know that spinny move, right? When you hold the sword out and spin around, taking out everything around you?"
"I'm more of a stabber, but I guess I can do it for you." Saria did the spin attack. "I'm guessing you want the jump attack now, right?"
"How did you know?"
"Well, there aren't really any other normal moves." Saria did the jump attack on the scarecrow, breaking its hat and the pumpkin it had for a head.
"Now that proves strength!"
"Can Link do that?" Beth asked.
"Probably not," Saria answered.
"Hey!" Link yelled.
"It's a good thing you showed me how to do all these cool sword moves! Now I can scare away those monkeys every time they show up!" Talo stated. He looked over at the entrance to the woods. "Look! There's a monkey right there!" The monkey ran away. "Get back here!" He started chasing it, with Malo and Beth following.
"Oh crap, I'm guessing we have to go chase them, don't we," Saria muttered. She mounted her horse. "Go, Chase!" He didn't budge. Saria sighed. "Link, take Epona."
"Chase, I really have to teach you that you can't stay with Epona all the time!" Saria yelled while Chase galloped along. He neighed. Unfortunetly, because Navi isn't there, we can't find out what he said.
"Huh? What's she doing here?" Link asked, looking at Beth who had stopped quite early.
"I figured it was a bad idea to follow along," Beth stated. "Talo's pretty stupid, after all. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into."
"Yeah…" Link nodded slowly.
Later, in the Faron Woods…
"Look, it's a guy with an afro!" Link exclaimed. "Hi!"
"That must be the drug man! Don't buy anything from him!" Saria warned him.
"Oh, hello there! Are you heading into the deep part of the woods? You really should take some lanterns! I'll give you not one, but two for free so that you might come back later!" the man said.
Link and Saria got lanterns!
"Wait a second… You don't have a fairy, do you?" Saria asked.
"Fairy? Of course not," the drug man answered.
"People lie, so how can I trust you?"
"No, seriously. I've never even seen one, I swear. But I do want one! Do you have one?!"
"No." Saria left, dragging Link behind her.
Later in the woods…
"I think I hear Talo yelling for help!" Link stated. "It's coming from the top of that weird hill!"
"Hey! Won't you buy something?" a bird with an afro asked.
"Don't tell me you sell drugs too!" Saria said.
"No, I sell lantern oil and red potion! I know that Coro sells lantern oil too, but I sell it for even less just to annoy him! However, having a store so far out in the woods is a problem."
"We don't want to buy anything!"
"All right, fine then! Leave!"
"Help!" Talo screamed.
"Shaddap!" a weird monster ordered.
"As the Hero of Time, I am coming to save you!" Link stated, running up with his sword.
"Hero of Time? What the heck is that-" Link beat up the monsters with his sword. He broke the cage afterwards.
"Wow! That was totally awesome!" Talo exclaimed.
"I'm really sorry about what I did. I shouldn't have run out in the woods," Talo said.
"Why are you telling me?" Link asked. "I'm not your father."
"That monkey… She wasn't actually that bad. She actually tried to protect me, so we got captured together. Well, I'm going home now…" Talo ran off.
"Link!" Rusl exclaimed, running up to him. "I came over as soon as I heard the children were missing!"
"Don't worry! They're safe!"
"Now, don't forget you and Saria have to take that delivery to Hyrule tomorrow! Maybe if you're lucky, you'll meet Princess Zelda! Ah ha ha!"
"Wait… Ordon isn't a part of Hyrule? And where's Saria?"
Saria walked up to him, "Oh, I was just making sure that the guy over there didn't have Navi."
"The paaaain!" the drug man yelled. Holy…
"He deserves it."