Not-so-warning/kind of a warning: Link is such an idiot in this chapter it's painful.
The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 3: Link's Constant Stupidity
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link saved Talo, Navi was still missing, Saria beat up a drug dealer and not much else happened.
Now for Chapter Three.
"Look! It's Link!" Ilia exclaimed, while Link rode his horse into the village after herding twenty goats. I have no idea how ten more goats appeared there overnight, but I just skipped it because it's nothing important. "And Epona!"
"Well hello Link," Mayor Bo greeted. "This delivery is very important, and we have to make sure it gets to Hyrule as soon as possible."
"… What am I delivering?" Link asked. "And where exactly?"
"What your delivering was never explained in the game, and neither was exactly where."
"But how am I supposed to deliver it then?!"
"Huh? What happened here?" Ilia asked, looking at Epona's leg. "She's injured, isn't she?"
"She is? I'm sorry, but I never noticed."
"Never noticed?! You are a horrible owner! You have to go on this delivery now, but I'm taking your horse to the spring where she will be healed!" Ilia led Epona away.
"Gee, I wonder what Element of Harmony that represents," Saria said sarcastically. "We have to go get her, don't we."
"Oh, hi you two," a blonde boy(Colin) greeted. "Those guys won't let me into the woods."
"Why do you want to go in there?" Saria asked.
"I want to talk to Ilia. But they won't let me pass! Can you go with me?"
"I know just how to deal with situations like this." Saria walked over to Talo and Malo, who were blocking the entrance to the woods.
"You know we're not going to let you pass, right?" Talo asked Colin. "Way to tell your dad that we went into the woods! We got in so much trouble!"
"But Ilia goes into the woods all the time," Link stated.
"Well she's older."
"And you're the only one who actually crossed the bridge and went into monster territory," Saria said.
"We still got in trouble, and that's all that matters! Maybe I'll let you pass if you let me borrow one of your swords!"
"Oh, so this time, instead of needing to get a sword, we need to give him one?"
"Here, you can have mine!" Link said, giving Talo his sword.
"Wow, awesome! A sword!" Talo exclaimed.
"Have fun with that stick!" Saria told him, running into the woods.
Later at the spring…
"Uh, why is the gate locked?" Link asked.
"Because I don't want you bothering me!" Ilia answered.
"I thought you lived by the Elements of Harmony or whatever!" Saria said. "Why are you stealing Link's horse and refusing to let him take it back?"
"You can crawl through that hole over there," Colin told him, looking at a hole in the corner.
"All right then…"
A bit later…
"So Talo wandered into the woods?" Ilia asked.
"Yes," Colin replied, even though Talo did not wander into the woods but in fact ran recklessly.
Ilia turned to Link and Saria who just made it through the hole. "Well, it looks like Epona's injury isn't too serious."
"I'm pretty sure that if it were serious, Link would notice. It's not like Epona was limping or something," Saria told her.
"Well, you two can go on together on the delivery. I hope that you make it home safely."
"Don't worry, I'm sure nothing will happen!" Link said. Suddenly, though, a monster riding a boar and some others came bursting through the gate. "Oh come on!" One of them clubbed Link.
"Well this is annoying!" Saria said before getting clubbed and passing out. Another monster shot Ilia in the back. Colin fainted from horror.
"Take the cute girl, the kid and the horse! Ignore the ones that were clubbed for absolutely no reason!" the leader ordered.
A neigh came from a distance. Chase came running up, probably in attempt to save Epona. But all that happened was him getting captured as well.
Later, Link and Saria woke up in the spring.
"Good thing this water is magical," Saria stated. "We have to follow them! No one clubs me in the head!"
So Link and Saria ran in the direction of where the monsters came from, which was the Faron Woods. However, there was a giant black wall in the way.
"Holy crap! Where did this come from?!" Link yelled. A hand reached out and grabbed them both, then pulling them through the wall.
"Let go!" Saria ordered, but did not get her way.
Link's Triforce of Courage suddenly shone, blinding the monster for a moment. It dropped them and ran off.
"I feel dizzy…" Link stated. "AUGH! TRANSFORMATION!" Link suddenly turned into a wolf and passed out again.
"What the heck…?" Saria wondered, but then the same thing happened to her.
"Well, well… This is quite interesting…" a voice off in distance said.
Saria shot awake probably an hour later. "Holy crap! What happened! I'm on four legs! This is all too unusual for me!" she yelled.
"Augh…" someone in the corner mumbled.
"Huh?" Saria turned around.
"I'm not feeling too well…"
"… Navi?"
"Wait, what? Who…?"
"You don't have a strategy guide this time, do you."
"Saria? You got turned into a wolf?"
"NAVI?" Link gasped, suddenly shooting awake. "It that really you? What happened? We just woke up in Ordon as if we'd always lived there and you weren't there!"
"Well, I woke up in the woods. I was trying to find you, but I couldn't get past the afro man. I know that he wants to sell a fairy to a museum. But then later, this darkness came. As a being of light, I can't live in this world, and I got captured. If I'm not out of here soon, I might die."
"But when my hand glowed, the monster freaked out. It seemed like their weakness was light!"
"It's a long story, really, and I'll just let you know that it took them awhile. They don't want beings of light in their world anyway, so they were pretty persistant. But I got so weak that it became easy for them. They brought me all the way here at-"
"I found you!" a creature exclaimed.
"HOLY CRAP!" they all screamed.
"Hehehe! You look surprised!"
"No duh!" Saria yelled, growling.
"Oh, you don't want to be growling like that! I was going to help you, but it doesn't look like you want any."
"Uh, never mind?"
"That's better." The imp created some magic in her hands and broke their chains.
"Whoa, I wish I could do that!"
"Now that I've broken the chains, I'm going to see if you're smart enough to find a way out of this old cell!" The imp floated up into the air and flew right through the bars.
"Smart enough? What is your problem?"
"I don't see any way out," Link stated.
"Shut up. Isn't it way too obvious?" Saria broke a box near the bars, revealing some dirt. "We dig out!"
"Right…"
"I'M DYING HERE!" Navi randomly stated. "We have to hurry and go see-"
"Shh! You don't want the monsters to hear you, do you?" the imp asked.
"Well, no, but-"
"Then be quiet!"
"Stop cutting me off!"
"Hmm," Link started, "Navi didn't like Tatl very much at the beginning of the Termina adventure, but they eventually warmed up to each other."
"Tatl is another fairy, Link. This is some kind of… cat imp thing."
"My name's Midna," the imp told her.
"How am I supposed to warm up to her?"
"How about you two just shut up while we get out of here?" Saria suggested. "I thought you were dying!"
"Oh, right."
"Wait… what?"
"Just come on," Midna told them. "You haven't even dug out of the cell yet."
Navi barely had enough energy to fly onto Link's head. He walked up to the bars. "You know, I probably could've flown through the bars, but I didn't have enough energy."
"Uh, how long ago did you get captured?" Saria asked.
"Fifteen minutes before you woke up here."
"… Seriously?"
"Yep."
"So… we got captured first but you've been in these woods the whole time."
"That's how awesome I am."
"Why the heck didn't you wake us up?!"
"I tried, but I could hardly even move, remember? It's not like I wanted to catch the attention of the guards or something."
"Right…"
"LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE!" Midna yelled. Saria dug out of the cell, with Link following behing her. Navi barely flew through the bars before falling onto Link's head again.
"Hey, where'd that imp go?"
Midna suddenly fell onto Link's back. He started running around like he was chasing his tail in attempt to get her off.
"Aw, what a playful little puppy!" Midna exclaimed. "He's chasing his tail."
"Stop, you're making me dizzy!" Navi ordered. Link immediantly stopped. "Thank you."
Midna grabbed Link's ear. "Listen… I think I'll get you out of here, but in exchange, you have to do exactly as I say!"
"Oh great, now I'm going to have three girls ordering me around?" Link asked.
"Hey, I don't order you around!" Navi told him. "I just want you to do stuff!"
"If you need anything from me, just press Z to give me a sign!" Midna told him. Yes, this is the Gamecube version if you haven't noticed already, since that's technically the original.
"What the heck is Z?" Saria asked. "That's a new button."
"You know, the purple one on the right side of the controller with the letter Z on it."
"Why does everybody keep thinking that we use buttons in stories?"
"Whatever, let's just get moving."
"AH! Floating flame!" Link exclaimed.
"That's not a flame, that's a spirit," Midna told him. "That's what… most humans become when they enter the Twilight world."
"Wait, what?"
"I'm sure Zelda will be able to answer all your questions," Navi said.
"Zelda? Are we in Hyrule Castle? It doesn't look like it."
"Use your senses to see what the spirit is!" Midna ordered. "You're a wolf, you have senses." Link and Saria "turned on" their senses and looked at the spirit. It was a guard.
"Maybe we are in Hyrule Castle…"
Saria looked at Navi. She could see right through her glow.
"What?" Navi asked, raising an eyebrow. "… Oh, I get it. You can probably see through the glow, right?" Saria nodded.
"I'm so freaking scared!" the guard stated, clutching his spear.
"Of me?" Link asked.
"He can't see you," Midna said. "He can see everything but you. Well, us."
"Well that's a little strange. I could bite his leg and he wouldn't even notice?"
"He's a spirit, he's not physical!"
"So he has more special attack?"
"This isn't Pokémon!"
"Wait, so if I could attack him, would he turn into a werewolf, too?"
"You're not a werewolf!"
"I'm a special werewolf that only turns into one when I go into this weird place with black squares floating everywhere!"
"It's called twilight."
"Is the villain a vampire?"
"SHUT UP! This world has nothing to do with that crap! You turn into just a freakin' wolf when you go into the twilight, and this has nothing to do with that sucky series, so shut up! Zelda will answer EVERYTHING, so stop making dumb suggestions!" Midna turned to Navi. "Do you have to put up with this every day?!"
"Nah, not really. Link isn't really used to this, so that's why he's asking all these pointless questions."
"Augh!"
Navi looked down at Link. "Link, stop bothering her."
"Yes ma'am!" Link said immediantly.
"How come he listens to you?" Midna asked.
"Because I'm his guardian fairy, and he's learned over time not to ignore me."
"… You didn't beat him up, did you?"
"Nah, I just threatened to put an embarrassing picture of him in the most public places possible. And if that didn't work, that's when I'd beat him up."
"Let's just get to Princess Zelda already…"
Some time later, after a few mini puzzles, running across rooves and killing many creepy monsters, they finally made it to Princess Zelda.
She turned around. "… Midna?!" she exclaimed.
"Eee hee! You remembered my name? What an honor for me!" Midna said.
"So this is the one for whom you were searching?"
"He's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess he'll do."
"Are you the same Zelda?" Link asked.
Zelda raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean, same Zelda?"
"… You're from here, right?"
Zelda nodded slowly. "Yeah…"
"Never mind then."
"See what I mean?" Midna asked.
"Hey, I'm here too," Saria told them.
Zelda glanced at the broken chains on their paws, "You were imprisoned?"
"Yep," Link answered.
"I am sorry."
"How about you explain everything that's going on here so that he shuts up about all the ridiculous ideas he's coming up with?" Midna suggested."… Twilight Princess!" She giggled.
"That's probably a good idea. You see, this was once the land were the power of the gods was said to slumber. This was once the kingdom of Hyrule. But that blessed kingdom has been transformed by the king, Zant, that rules the twilight."
"But Ordon doesn't have twilight," Link said. "Is Ordon really not part of Hyrule? And how does twilight change the name of the kingdom?"
"… Just be quiet. This land has been turned into a world of shadows, ruled by creatures who shun the light."
"… Help…" Navi muttered. "Have you not noticed me here yet…?"
"Flashback time!"
"Oh Nayru…"
"Ah! Monsters!" the guards exclaimed.
"Destroy them!" Zelda ordered.
"Crap we're losing!"
"What the heck is wrong with my guards?!"
"Muahahaha! Invasion!" Zant stated, walking in. "Give me your kingdom!"
"No way!"
"Surrender or die!"
"Why should I?!"
"Because I gave your guards money to buy ice cream if they gave up!"
"Seriously?! I have the worst guards ever!"
"Now give me your kingdom!"
"Fine!" Zelda dropped her sword and all the land was covered in twilight. All the people in Castle Town turned into spirits.
"… And that's how it all happened," Zelda told them.
"… Wow, you do have the worst guards ever," Saria said.
"Yes I do… I don't even know how they became guards. Now the kingdom is covered in twilight, but I still remain its princess."
"But I thought you gave the kingdom to the creepy guy," Link spoke.
"That doesn't change the fact that I'm princess."
"I don't see the problem with all this," Midna stated. "Is twilight really all that bad?"
"Midna, this is no time for levity. The shadow beasts have been searching far and wide for you. Why is this?"
"Good question!"
"Wait, why did everybody turn into a spirit except you and us?" Saria asked.
"I'm protected by the Triforce of Wisdom," Zelda answered.
"Then why did we turn into wolves?"
"Well, he has the Triforce of Courage."
"Then why did he turn into a wolf rather than stay a person? And why the heck am I a wolf? I don't have a Triforce piece!"
"… Then… what's your title?"
"I'm a sage. Well, I suppose." (They went back in time, remember? I honestly don't know how it makes sense)
"But all the sages are old men that don't even have properly connected body parts."
"Old men?"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU HELP ME SOMEHOW!" Navi yelled.
Zelda looked over at her, "Oh, sure." She held up her hand and after a few moments Navi had turned black and blue. "Now you're even more magical and turn from darkness to light depending on the area!"
"… Couldn't you have done that when we first ran into you?!"
"Yeah, probably." Navi groaned.
"What about me? I shouldn't be a wolf because it doesn't make sense," Saria said.
"Just a moment." Zelda walked over to her bookshelf and pulled out a book. She said something that they couldn't understand, but nothing happened. "… It's supposed to be a spell that gets rid of things that don't make any sense, but I don't know why it didn't work! … Wait. There's a note that says it doesn't work in twilight."
"So I'm going to stay a wolf?"
"Perhaps when you become human, and enter twilight again, that's when it will work. There's a note in the book that says that."
"How in the world could it have a note like that in there?"
"I bet the author put it in there just so it could be clear," Link stated.
"But it still doesn't make any sense that I'm a wolf at all!"
"Why don't you do that to me, Twilight?"
"My name's Zelda, not Twilight."
"But Midna called you Twilight Princess, so I thought that was relating to My Little Pony because of all this magic you can do."
"Believe me, that's not what I was referring to," Midna told him, groaning.
"And I'm not doing the spell on you because you're supposed to be a wolf," Zelda said. "Now you must make haste and leave. The guard will soon make his rounds."
"But they're all spirits," Link spoke. "They can't see us."
"Just go."