The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 5: Awesomer than You

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link, uh… Augh, I really need to make him do more. Navi scared someone, Saria stole a sword and shield, Midna kind of learned their life(but didn't believe it) and Kevin, who was actually a girl and added an A at the end of her name, had turned into a cucco.

Now for Chapter Five.

"Big, scary wall," Link stated, while they walked up to the twilight wall.

"Now," Midna started, "In order for you to get back in there, I'll have to pull you in there forcefully with my magic ponytail that can turn into a giant hand. Got that?"

"That sounds painful!"

"Don't worry, it'll only last for a few seconds."

"But seriously? Is the giant hand necessary?" Saria asked.

"I can't just push you in or anything like that. First of all, my hair is my only strength, and second, I need to be completely behind the wall first. To put it shortly, yes, the giant hand is necessary."

"Well that sucks… I just wish I could be human again. Well, technically I'm not actually human, I'm Hylian… In this world, at least."

"Stop messing with me!"

"I'm not messing with you! You haven't seen me with a real sword yet!"

"Augh, whatever." Midna flew right through the twilight wall and pulled Link in.

"Holy crap!"

"You're next!" She pulled Saria in.

"Wow, Link fainted? He's so pathetic."

"Actually, I was a little more forceful on him because he kind of annoys me."

"You're not the only one…"

"Have I become unimportant or something?!" Navi yelled. "Ugh. Wake up, Link!" She kicked his forehead.

"Ow…" Link muttered. "Did Navi just kick me?"

"Yes," Saria answered.

"Why did that hurt?"

"Because I'm awesome," Navi told him.

"So these are the weapons you use in your world?" Midna said, sitting on Link's back, holding the sword and with the shield on her face.

"Uh, Midna, you don't put the shield on your face," Saria spoke.

"You really think this thing can slay the creatures of the twilight?" Despite having tiny arms, Midna was able to hold up the sword. "Hiya!" She swung the sword all over. Link ducked his head down quickly.

"I didn't say anything about that! You just said you wanted a sword and shield to look cool! I doubt you'll even use them."

"Meh, whatever. You're probably going to end up using them anyway." Midna tossed the shield onto Link's face.

"Augh! I can't see!" Link stated, jumping around like crazy, leading to him hitting his head on a wall. Midna snapped her fingers and the sword and shield disappeared into black squares.

"You know, if you were smart, instead of jumping around, you should've shook your head to get the shield off."

"I'm surprised the shield didn't fall off at all…" Navi said.

"So what the heck are we doing next?" Saria asked.

"Right," Midna spoke. "I need you to gather some things for me, so just continue along for now and I'll tell you."

"Uh… Okay?"

"AUUUUGH! MY HEAD!" Link yelled.

"Shut up," Midna ordered. "Do you want them to find us?"

"Who?"

"The shadow monsters, duh."

"Well it's not very obvious when you say 'them'. I though you were talking about the aliens."

"… What?"

"Midna wasn't with us in Termina, Link," Navi told Link.

"Just go already."

A few minutes later, a bunch of thick, black sticks fell from the sky and a barrier appeared. Three shadow monsters fell from a portal above them.

"Oh great, look what you've done!" Midna yelled. "I'll just wait over here for you to defeat them." She flew off to the side.

"Are you kidding me? You're way more useless than I thought you were!" Saria said.

"Hey, it's your fault they're here in the first place."

"Bob! Stop reading books!" one of the shadow monsters shouted. He sounded like an old man.

"I ain't eating crooks, Carl! Have you gone crazy?!" Bob yelled. He also sounded like an old man.

"Huh, it seems like they're half deaf old men," Midna stated.

"Haven't we run into a Carl before…?" Link pondered, trying to remember where.

"My name ain't Daisy!"

"I didn't say it was!" Bob told Carl.

"You ate a lot of fuzz?! Why?!" Carl asked.

"What about the third one?" Link asked.

"YO DAWG!" the third shadow monster yelled, who was wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Oh my Din…" Saria muttered, dropping her head.

"Hurry up and kill them, they're getting on my nerves!" Midna ordered.

"Yes master."

"Shut up."

Saria beat up all the creatures and they were all defeated.

"… What the crap? I thought that they revived each other!"

"Well, two of them were really old and partially deaf, and I don't think they were even paying attention," Saria told her. "What were you expecting? Did you want to help?"

"Well, no."

"Then be glad that they were stupid this time."

"Hey!" a faint light called from the Faron Spring.

"Another spirit?" Saria asked.

"You know… Well, this isn't a very good situation now, is it? The majority of Hyrule being covered with darkness and creepy monsters?"

"Duh."

"Well, worry no more! With the new Shiny Grapevine, you can gather all the Tears of Shininess from the invisible oversized bugs in the area, and it will bring light back to this area! And it's only 40 rupees!"

"FARON!" a voice yelled.

"OW!" It wasn't visible to the team, but it sounded like Faron just got kicked in the face. … Somehow.

"YOU ARE NOT A SALESMAN!"

"Aw, but you don't even know how long I practiced that!"

"OF COURSE I DO!"

"Oh right…"

"NOW GIVE IT TO THE HEROES!"

"All right, all right…"

Link and Saria got the Shiny Grapevine!

"I also have this plasma TV-"

"We're leaving," Saria interrupted.

So, after a few hours of bug hunting-

"THEY WERE STEALING MY BATMAN FIGURINE COLLECTION!" the drug man screamed.

No one cares about you. Anyway, after a few hours of bug hunting, they finally obtained all the tears of the Faron Woods and were forced to return to the annoying Faron.

At least when the twilight was removed they were humans… well, people again. You can't really call them humans.

"FINALLY!" Saria cheered. "I was getting so sick of that form!"

"Wait…" Link started, "Why do you have the new sword and not me?"

"Because I'm awesomer than you."

"She has a point," Midna stated.

"What?!" Link yelled. "Navi, she's not better than me, is she?"

"Well…" Navi started.

"Back for that plasma TV, eh?" Faron asked, in his real form. He looked like some kind of raccoon thing.

"NO!" Saria shouted.

"Did you realize you were wearing different clothes?"

Saria looked down, "Oh, I guess I am. I didn't notice because they were so similar to my old clothes."

"What?! No they aren't!"

"No, my old old clothes."

"… What?"

"Saria, this is a different dimension," Navi reminded her.

"Hey, Saria has the new shield too!" Link stated. "How come all I get is a stick?!"

"Oh right, I forgot to give this to you," Faron said. "Both the heroes need real swords, obviously."

Saria got the Awesome Sword!

"Oh cool, a sword that's better than this thing!" Saria exclaimed. She tossed the old sword at Link. Thankfully, it wasn't unsheathed.

"… She still gets a better sword…" Link muttered.

The new sword had a silver handle with a red gem in the middle, and a blueish blade. Just pointing that out, just so you know how much more awesome it is than the Ordon sword.

"It's beautiful…" Saria spoke, hugging the new sword.

"I'm guessing you're going to give her a new shield too?" Link asked, annoyed. "… She always gets the better stuff."

"Actually, no," Faron answered. "Since wooden shields are flammable, obviously, people sell replacements. You can just buy another one."

"Ugh." Link knew that it would probably be him buying it, anyway.

"So where the heck are we going now?" Saria asked.

"You have to destroy the evil power that lies deep in the woods," Faron answered.

"Which means we have to go to a temple and defeat a boss, I'm guessing?"

"Yep."

Saria sighed, "All right, let's go… Wait, but first, here." She tossed the Ordon Shield at Link. "I don't need a shield anyway, I'm too fast for anything to hit me."

"Um, thanks…" Link answered.

"Hey, there's the entrance to the temple!" Midna exclaimed.

"… It's blocked by a web…" Link spoke.

"BURN IT WITH FIRE!" Saria yelled, taking Link's lantern and burning the giant web down.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! How did we get here?! Didn't we skip something?!" Navi asked.

"Well, I remember there being a motorcycle, a few burning trucks, a flying green cucco, some giant guns, a zombie horde, a Dunsparce, the Xmen, Santa Claus-"

"No, no! Not that part! The part with the purple fog and the monkey."

"I don't remember that."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's just go into the temple."

"You know, people need to stop saying things like that! Like, 'let's go already', or 'just go'."

"Well sorry… I'm just saying to move on."

A monkey wearing sunglasses suddenly ran out of the temple, "Heh heh heh! Now that I've planted bombs all over the Forest Temple, I can finally get rid of all those pesky monkeys and their leader! Once I press this button-"

"Wait, you're going to blow up the temple?!" Navi asked.

"Yeah, problem?"

"DO IT DO IT DO IT! It'll save us a lot of trouble!" Saria told the monkey. "Wait a sec, how are we talking to this monkey?"

"I'm not a monkey, I'm that clown from the McDonalds commercial in disguise."

A "DUN DUN DUUUUN" was heard in the background.

"I KNEW he was up to no good!" Link stated.

"I WANT TO SEE THE EXPLOSION!" Saria yelled.

"Quiet! The cops are looking for me, you know!" the monkey said.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Wait! The clown from the commercials just showed up!

"He's framing me! He's not actually me, he's the Burger King!" the clown insisted.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

"You know, it would be SO much easier if you just blew up the temple so we could leave," Saria told them.

"Good idea," said the suspicious monkey. He pulled out the button and pressed it. The top of the Forest Temple blew up, following more after everybody took cover.

"Look!" Midna exclaimed, pointing up to a giant eye that was flying out of the temple.

"I'd rather not," Link said, covering his eyes.

The eye hit the ground and blew up. A black object was left behind.

"Hey, where'd the monkey and the clown go?" Saria wondered.

"There it is!" Midna stated, floating over to the black object.

"Didn't we come here to defeat an evil power?"

"Well, actually, this is kind of part of what I wanted to you gather for me. This is a piece of the Fused Shadow that I need."

"Dang!" Navi yelled. "I didn't have a chance to call the police before they left…"

"So let me guess," Saria said, "the other pieces are in other temples?"

"Exactly," Midna answered.

"Wait a second," Navi said. "We need to do that much?!"

"Pretty much. And besides, I'm being searched for, so it's kind of easier if I have more people doing the work for me- I mean helping me out."

"HEY! I just realized something!" Link stated. "If I have a chain on my leg as a wolf, why did it disappear when I turned back to normal?"

There was a long pause.

"… I don't know…" Midna replied.

"Well, your clothes DID change after you transformed, so that could be part of it," Navi said. "Maybe the chain was just removed."

A large monkey jumped out of the still-exploding temple. "I AM ALIVE!" he stated to the world.

"Who the heck are you?" Saria asked.

"I am a monkey! And I escaped an exploding temple!"

"That doesn't tell me anything."

"Oh, here, you can have this boomerang, I don't know why I have it."

Saria got the Gale Boomerang!

"I remember hearing the temple blowing up and running for my life. Then I found this in my invisible pocket!" The monkey ran away after saying this.

"Cool boomerang," Saria stated. She threw it, and a whirlwind followed it where it went. "Okay, now that's awesome."

"I never get anything cool!" Link yelled. "This is so annoying. You always get all the items."

"Yeah, but you can't even throw a boomerang."

"Not true! I got one in the first adventure, remember?"

"You never used it."

"Eh…"

"Heroic Link-" Faron started, but they all ran past him. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

"Do we really need to listen to you talk some more?" Saria asked. "Do you actually have anything useful to tell us?"

"I was going to tell you where you were supposed to go next."

"Well, spit it out, then."

"You need to go to Kakariko Village in the Eldin Province, through Hyrule Field-" The team was already gone. "Darn kids…"

"Hey Navi, remember that time when I tripped and broke a case with blue moss in it?" Link asked Navi, slicing a nearby monster.

"How could I? You were acting like a complete dork," Navi told him. "Besides, it wasn't actually that long ago. Technically, it was a few weeks ago."

"It seems like it was more because we kept restarting the three days."

Midna was listening for some reason. "Holy crap!" she exclaimed. "You could control time?!"

"Pretty much. I don't know about now, though," Navi replied.

"Hey Midna, is there blue moss in this Hyrule?" Link asked Midna.

"Not that I know of," Midna answered. "Don't take my information, though, I don't know much about the world of light."

"Where's the next temple supposed to be?" Saria questioned.

"Hmm…" Midna pondered for a few moments. "Go over to that yellow cloud, it's more twilight. Where else is there to go?"

"Yeah, good point."

A few minutes later, while walking over to the yellow cloud of twilight…

"HEEEEEY!" a voice yelled. An ugly looking postman ran up to them.

"Oh goddesses!" Saria exclaimed. "Are you the postman?! Great."

"That black wall up there is in the way of the path to Kakariko Village, you should turn back. There's no point in trying to get through, you can't!"

"Well, at least you aren't as obsessed as that other guy…"

"Well, anyway, I have a letter for Mr. Link! Danananananana!" The postman handed a letter to Link. "Well, until next time!" He jogged away.

"… This letter is actually from him," Link stated. "Couldn't he have just told me?" He ripped open the envelope and pulled out the paper. "Dear Mr. Link, I am the postman! It's nice to meet you!"

Everyone anime fell.

"What kind of dumb letter is that?!" Saria yelled.

Link tossed the letter behind him and kept walking. A nearby monster ate it.

"Well, here's another wall," Navi stated, as they stared at the giant wall in front of them.

"You ready?" Midna asked.

Navi paused. "Whoa whoa whoa, how did I get through the wall last time? Nothing was written in or anything…"

"I think that spell Zelda cast on you gave you the ability to fly through the walls, too."

Navi shrugged. "That makes sense."

After Midna forcefully pulled Link and Saria through the wall…

"Wow, I actually stayed conscious this time!" Link stated.

"Barely," Saria muttered. "At least I'm not a wolf!"

"Unfair."

"Why does it matter? You hardly ever fight, anyway, and the only advantage to being in human form is the sword and maybe some other items."

Midna crashed down on Link's back.

"OW! That hurt!" Link yelled.

"Wait… How are we talking to each other, anyway?" Saria wondered. "We shouldn't be able to understand Link."

"Ugh, this story is sooo slow," Navi randomly stated. "It's different for Majora's Mask, since it's one of the writer's favorite games, but the writer doesn't know much about this game since it's so long. That's probably why they blew the Forest Temple up."

"What are you saying?"

"Either this story is going to take quite a long time to get through a lot of things, or it's going to be zipped right through and tons of things will be skipped."

"You know, that's what it was like at the beginning of Ocarina of Time! We kept on skipping everything, and when we came to something, it involved a random outburst and something dying. I think. Either that or something that had to do with plot."

"Usually…"

"What, did you just say that other thing to change the subject?"

"Not really, I was just stating a fact. I bet we can understand Link because it would be boring if all he did was bark. It would be even worse that way, considering he would not like it that we couldn't understand him."

Link barked for no reason, "Hehe… Now I can annoy you guys." He turned his head and spotted something on the ground. "Is that a broken wooden sword?"

"I think that's the one Talo borrowed from you," Saria told him. "Speaking of which, I still have this piece of crap in my pocket." She pulled the old wooden sword out of her pocket, since she didn't have it on her back anymore. Legend of Zelda magic, woot. She broke it on the wall. "Wow, that IS pretty stupid."

"Hey, that's kind of mean, considering it was a gift," Link said.

"I'll just say it broke and I got a new one in the most polite way possible. Easy."

"You can speak politely?"

Awkward silence.