The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 6: Pauses and Obsession

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link kept switching from idiot to smart-aleck, Navi explained stuff, Saria encouraged terrorism, Midna was pretty obnoxious, and the Burger King blew up the Forest Temple. OR WAS IT HIM? WHO IS THE REAL GUILTY ONE?

Now for Chapter Six.

"See, what the monkey said was that he planted bombs all over the Forest Temple since he wanted to get rid of the rest of the monkeys living there. He also said he was the clown from the McDonalds commercials, but then the supposedly real clown showed up and said that the monkey was actually the Burger King. But there's a possibility that it could've actually been someone else, pretending to be him. Or, the real one behind it all might've forced or payed the other person to pretend to be guilty. What's important is that the monkey did not say anything about NOT being the Burger King," Navi explained into the cell phone.

"Navi, who the heck are you calling?" Saria asked. Navi practically ignored her and continued all the information and theories she had before hanging up. "WHO WAS THAT?!"

"A detective, obviously! Who else would I be telling all that to? Besides, I'm the only witness that seems to care."

"She's got a point," Midna stated. "WHOA!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha, muahahahaha!" Link laughed maniacally, running away incredibly fast. "Who's faster now?!"

"Hold it, Link! You're supposed to be finding the children!" Navi told him.

"I am?"

"Yeah, since you're a wolf, we kind of expected you to follow the scent of the kids or something."

"… You did…?"

"Just do it, you need to."

After a little while, a barrier fell from the sky and trapped them. Three shadow monsters fell from a portal in the sky.

"… Not this again…" Saria complained.

"Eh? Jo, how did we get here?" one of them asked. Again, it sounded like an old man.

"I'm not sure, Steve," another replied. This one too.

"Are they ALL like this?" Midna said, annoyed.

"Hey! We aren't deaf like those other guys that were sent last time!" Steve told them. "They weren't sent to stop you or anything, we just wanted to get rid of 'em."

"You not being deaf doesn't make you more of a challenge-" Saria started, but was smacked into a wall. "YOU FREAKING LITTLE- I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"Hey, wait a second, how come you're not a spirit or anything?" Jo asked. Saria stabbed him as hard as she could in the most violent possible way. Ick.

"Hey, don't forget they can bring each other back to life!" Midna reminded her. "These guys are actually paying attention this time!"

"I know that!" Saria yelled. She looked back at the shadow monsters. "Hey, don't you think this is a little unfair?! Three against one?!"

"Well, actually, we-" one of them started.

"DIE!" Saria did a spinning slash and took out both of the other two at once.

"Ah, violent and angry Saria," Link said. "Scary, but incredibly helpful."

"That was the most fun I've had in a while," Saria stated, sheathing her sword. "And that proves my life is boring, since they didn't put up much of a fight."

"Hey, wait a second! There's no bridge to get across this chasm!" Navi pointed out. She knew that Kevin would not come to the rescue this time. "Now what?"

"Remember that random bridge we saw in the woods that was skipped?" Link asked. "I bet that was this bridge! They probably KNEW we were coming and took it out!"

"No problem," Midna said. She snapped her fingers and the bridge materialized. It floated over the chasm, right where it was supposed to be.

"… What the heck?"

"I grabbed it while you weren't looking."

"But it's a BRIDGE, for crying out loud! How can you grab that?" Navi asked.

"Because I'm MIDNA! Obviously!"

"I think I'll just go with that rather than argue…"

"Oh my DIN! It's a gate!" Link stated. "With BLOOD STAINS ON IT! Now where have I seen that before?"

"Pffffft," Saria did a very long pfft. "That's not blood, it's just ketchup."

"How do you know that?"

"I tasted it."

"OH MY- WHAT?!"

"I'm just kidding! They look way different."

"Greg, have you seen my ketchup?" a nearby monster asked another.

"You spilled it on that fence, remember?" the other responded.

"How can ketchup spill?"

"You mixed it with water for some reason."

There was a pause in the whole area.

"All right, Midna, I've come to the conclusion that pretty much all of your race is made of up idiots," Saria told Midna. Geez, Saria, ever heard of racism?

"They aren't part of our race!" Midna yelled.

"Whoa, this Kakakakakokokoko Village looks way different," Link pointed out. Holy crap, he's still calling it that.

"Well DUH, it's covered in twilight," Saria told him, deciding to ignore the fact that he's still calling the village by that name.

"No, I mean in general. Where's the color green?"

Guess what? Another barrier fell from the sky and then came more shadow monsters.

"Ugh, MORE of you?" Saria complained.

"OH CRAP! IT'S A REAL PERSON! WITH A SWOOORD!" one of them shrieked.

"RUUUN!" another one yelled. The shadow monsters tried to run off, but ran into the barrier and died.

O_o

Navi blinked, "What… the freak?"

"Didn't see that coming…" Midna said.

The spirit of the spring they were in front of came out. Well, that glowy yellow version of it. "Greetings, hero-" it started, but was interrupted.

"Yeah, yeah, we need to get the Shiny Grapevine and collect all the Tears of Shininess so we can get rid of the twilight. We know," Link said.

"Eh, right. Well, I might as well tell you I'm Eldin, and I protect this part of the land."

"Sure, you're protecting it, but why does the grass stop immediantly once you get to the gate?" Saria asked. "It just cuts off, and after that, everything seems to be dead."

"I don't know. It was already like that. I think the only reason the village is right here is because it's conviently placed within these natural walls, next to this spring."

"Guys, let's just go get the tears…" Navi said.

"Look! A way to get onto the roof!" Link exclaimed. After jumping on a few platforms, there was a weak spot on the roof practically made out of straw.

Inside the house were a bunch of spirits. Link 'turned on' his sense and jumped. "It's the children!"

"What are they doing here?" Saria wondered.

"I'm so scared!" Talo said. "And I'm not usually scared! I haven't been this scared since the time Beth hid a ton of Barbies under my quilt back when I was five!"

"I just know my Link will come and save me, he loves me!" Beth stated.

"He doesn't love you, you just made that up."

"He does too love me! He told me so as we watched the sunset together!"

"That was a dream," Malo spoke quietly.

"Dreams can come true! Wait, how do you know that?!"

"Well, let's just say Talo came across your diary while we were forced to clean out your house since I was blamed with him for something I didn't even know about. He was reading it aloud, and I couldn't really ignore him since he was trying to read it to me. I seem to be somehow blamed for everything since that time I filled your house with pumpkins that one time willingly after you egged our house and got away with it just by blaming a cucco and a pig."

A long time ago, in Ordon…

"I can't believe I have to help you clean this dumb house," Malo said.

"Oh come on! You definitely helped me with that prank!" Talo told him.

"No I didn't! I didn't even know about it!"

"… Really? Maybe that was Colin pretending to be you, he is the master of disguises after all. I never knew he was the revenge type, though. Hey, what's this?" Talo picked up a pink book with lots of sparkles on it. "I think I found Beth's diary!"

"Put it back, I'll be in trouble for yet another thing."

"Dear Diary, last night I had a dream that Link confessed to me! OMGOMGOMG! I love him like so much, and I like totally know that he loves me in real life, he's just too shy to admit it. I know he'll tell me at some point since I dreamed it! Isn't that ridiculous, Malo? She thinks that Link loves her."

"… Shut up…"

Back in the present…

"I guess it's a good thing that you didn't figure it out until now, which is when we don't have time to think about things like that," Malo said.

"What are you talking about?!" Beth yelled.

"Shh!" a nearby guy with long hair told her. "Have you forgotten what situation we're in?"

"I want to destroy him!"

"Does that matter? We already know that you think Link loves you, so it doesn't make much of a difference," Malo pointed out.

Link sighed, "Kids…"

"Aw, isn't that too bad," Midna said. "The people you came to save are talking about you right now as if you're not here, yet you're right in front of them." Apparently, she could see spirits too. This wasn't very clear when they first came across spirits.

"I don't really care." For no apparent reason, Link grabbed a stick, lit it and lit all the torches in the room.

"Oh my Nayru! The torches lit themselves!" Talo exclaimed.

"I knew Link would come to save us! He's just invisible!" Beth said.

"Yeah right… You know, it could be anything else. Possibly something out to kill us."

"No, it's Link."

"It's an evil ghost."

"It's Link!"

Saria groaned, "Shut up already… Why can they see each other, and see the monsters, but not us?"

"Beats me," was all Midna answered with.

A statue in the center of the room suddenly moved, since that was what lighting the torches was supposed to do.

"How do people make things like this, anyway…?" Navi wondered.

"Oh Din, oh Din! There's another one!" an old guy peeking out a window said.

"Um, how long has that guy been there?" Talo asked.

"I'm not sure…" the long haired guy said.

"They're comin' for us! They're comin'!" the old guy stated.

"Can we leave already?" Saria asked. "I'm getting sick of these people, to be honest."

"You're not the only one," Midna spoke.

So, the team continued to collect the tears. They broke through another roof, broke a window, broke a shelf… Wow, they broke a lot of stuff.

"Come 'ere you little bug!" Link said, leaping at a insect like a kitten. It hid inside a house that was labeled as a storage house for a nearby shop. "Into this random hole that's conviently placed so I can get inside!" Link crawled into the random hole that was conviently placed so he could get inside.

"Whoa, this place is filled with explosives!" Midna exclaimed.

"Really?! Blow up the building!" Saria answered immediantly. "Blow it up! Blow it up! BLOW IT UP!"

"Wow, look, a fireplace!" Link stated. "Why would someone fill a building with explosives when it has a fireplace in it? That had a fire in it?"

"BLOW IT UP ALREADY! I NEED EXPLOSIONS!"

"Hehehehe! You have fallen right into my trap!" a very high-pitched voice squeaked. The bug flew out, set itself on fire by flying into the fireplace and flew all over the building, lighting everything. "I know I'm killing myself at the same time but I live to diiiie!"

O_o. Again.

"I'm outta here!" Midna said, escaping the burning building.

"Gee, that bug sure is stupid!" Link stated with a dumb-sounding voice. He crawled back out the random hole that was conviently placed so he could get outside.

The building exploded, and the Tears of Shininess inside(apparently there was more than one bug) floated in the ruins.

"Woo! Three more tears!" Saria exclaimed, taking them. "You know, I just realized that whenever we grab a tear, whoever got it glows blue."

"Pretty cool stuff," Link said.

So, the tear collection ended up taking them up Death Mountain.

"Wow, a Goron spirit!" Link exclaimed. "They look so different!"

"I know…" Saria said. By the way, for some reason, she too could see the spirits despite not being a wolf anymore. Part of the spell, I suppose. I'll just explain now that all four of them can. "They don't actually look fat and lazy like all the other Gorons we've seen."

"Be glad he can't hear you," Midna told her. "He doesn't look happy."

"Man, this is such a pain in the Goron butt! Why do I have to keep watch for enemies?" the Goron complained.

"Hey, wait a minute…" Navi spoke, realizing something. "Back when we were in the Hyrule Castle sewers, if I was light, then why couldn't the spirits see me…?"

"Eh…" Midna paused. For once, she did not know why. "Probably because you weren't a spirit, since you were a fairy or something…? I have no idea, actually."

A while later, the team came across a stone with a hole going through the center of it. The wind blowing through it made a tune, which sounded strangely like…

"THE SONG OF HEALING!" Link exclaimed. "Why is this stone playing the Song of Healing?! Isn't this supposed to be another dimension?!"

"Well, this game did come out way after Majora's Mask," Navi told him. "The game developers probably didn't want to come up with new songs, so they just reused old ones that sounded cool." I don't really think this.

"Oh, that makes sense. So I'm guessing the songs don't do anything anymore, like, this turning me back into a Hylian and giving me a wolf mask or something."

Navi rolled her eyes. "Obviously not…"

"Yet more things that will just confuse me if you explain them?" Midna asked.

"Probably."

So, after a bit of complication, Link figured out that he had to howl the Song of Healing in front of the stone, warping him to a cliff by himself, where he howled a duet with a golden wolf on another cliff.

"Hey, dude," the golden wolf called to Link. "You totally avoided me in the Faron Woods."

"How?" Link asked.

"Well, I was standing near the temple entrance, but apparently you didn't notice me since that talking monkey was so distracting. Then the temple blew up and I had to run away."

"Was it something important?"

"No duh! You were going to learn how to stab things violently to finish them off while they're on the ground, rather than waiting for them to get up and finishing them off!"

"Wow! I haven't even seen Saria do that! She's always just stabbed right through things and killed them while they're still standing."

Crickets chirped.

"… That's possible…?" the golden wolf asked.

"Yeah, she's pretty beast. It's ironic because I'm the actual-" Link started.

"Don't finish that sentence… Anyway, it'll probably be more useful to you than to your friend. There are a bunch of these hidden skills that are pretty cool, and besides, I'd like to see what might happen if you're the only one who learns them."

"Awesome!"

So thus, Link and the golden wolf agreed on Link being the only one to learn all of the hidden skills.

"Oh yeah, by the way, in order for you to learn them, you have to find me," the golden wolf told Link.

"Where…?"

"Anywhere!" The golden wolf jumped off of the cliff and Link appeared back at the howling stone.

"What the heck just happened?" Saria asked.

"I was talking to a shiny fellow wolf that's going to teach me to be better than you!" Link answered.

"… Seriously?"

"Yep!"

"Yeah, because anyone would teach you anything useful…"

"Heh heh heh heh."

"All right, we finally finished collecting all the freaking tears," Saria stated.

"Thank you, young heroes," the spirit said.

"Yay! I'm not a wolf anymore!" Link cheered.

"The next piece of the Fused Shadow is up on Death Mountain."

"Of course it is…" Saria said.

"You must defeat the evil that lies in the mountain!"

"Yada yada…" Saria rolled her eyes. "We know."

"OH MY DIIIIIIN!" a voice screamed. "IT'S MY LINK!"

"Oh boy…"

Beth ran up and practically glomped Link. "I KNEW YOU'D COME! IT WAS YOU WHO LIT THE TORCHES, WASN'T IT?!"

"Shut up, Beth!" Talo yelled.

"LINK, DO YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART?!"

"But aren't I like, four years older than you?!" Link asked, trying to pry her off of him.

"AGE DOESN'T MATTER WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE!"

"Actually, it sometimes does."

"I'm not that much younger than you!"

"GET HER OFF OF ME, SARIA!"

"NOO! LINK DOESN'T LOVE ME!" Beth burst into tears. "I THOUGHT YOU DID!"

"Cut the act, kid!" Saria told Beth. "I know those are fake, and you're just trying to make Link love you, since you figured out he doesn't!"

Beth gasped. "How did you know?!"

"Because I'm also smart as well as terrifyingly powerful!"

"Saria, being smart has nothing to do with fake tears," Navi said.

"SCREW THAT! I can tell!"

"The same way you could tell liquid ketchup from blood?" Link asked.

There was an awkward silence.

"… Sure…" Saria said slowly, breaking the silence.

"Um… Anyway, to change the subject, I am Renado," the long haired man from before told them. "This is my daughter Luda." He pointed to a short-haired girl also trying to pry Beth off of Link. "So, those dark beasts suddenly attacked our village, but what's worse, all of our friends, the Gorons, suddenly became aggressive and won't let anybody up the mountain anymore."

"So you're pretty much saying that we need to convince them to let us?" Navi asked.

"But the problem is, they won't listen to a regular person. They only recognize strength."

"Hmm… As in what?"

"Well, there is one person who can help you. His name is the Mighty Bo."

There was another long pause. Man, there are a lot of these.

"Mayor Bo?! WHY HIM?!" Saria yelled.