The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 7: Infection 3
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was glomped, Navi was the only witness who cared, Saria lost her temper, Midna did nothing useful but fix a bridge, and it somehow took me a whole chapter just to finish Kakariko Village in twilight.
Now for Chapter Seven.
"Oh look, it's Epona and Chase!" Link exclaimed and the two horses came dashing towards him. They had monsters on their backs and looked like they were going crazy.
"Link! MOVE!" Navi yelled. "They're going to trample you!"
The horses suddenly turned, throwing the monsters right off.
"Link, you need to gain control of Epona again! The monsters probably did something horrible to them!"
"Hold it, bud!" Saria shouted, jumping onto Chase. He looked at her, and realizing who it was, he stopped. "… Well that was pretty easy. I'm surprised he didn't keep going after Epona." Chase neighed.
"He says they gave Epona a horse energy drink, and he was actually chasing her!" Navi told Saria.
"Horse energy drinks?! Those exist?!"
"How am I supposed to calm her down if she's had an energy drink?!" Link asked.
"See, she's both crazy from the monsters trying to control her and the horse energy drink, so you just need to calm her down as much as possible," Navi told him.
After a while of trying to get Epona to stop, Link finally succeeded.
"Wow, you did a pretty good job," Midna stated, "for someone who has no experience whatsoever!"
"What are you talking about?! I did horribly!" Link told her.
"Well, I don't know anything about this kind of stuff at all, so how am I supposed to know whether you actually did a good job or not?"
Epona did a long neigh, and then a bunch of short neighs.
"She's just talking about how excited she is to see you again, Link, and since she's practically hyper, she said it a lot," Navi said.
Epona long-neighed again.
"Hey…" Saria started, on the ground again. "Do you have any idea how long it's taking to move around in this story? It's already chapter seven and we're not even in the second dungeon yet. Termina was different because there were a heck ton of side quests in that one. This is just taking forever."
"What do you want us to do then?" Navi asked.
"I dunno, skip to where we're supposed to go next? Where again… Mayor Bo's house or something?"
"THE MIGHTY BO!" a random fat guy yelled, jumping out of the ground.
"Holy crap! Who are you?!"
"That is none of your concern." The random fat guy disappeared back into the ground.
All of a sudden, Saria passed out.
"Whoa! Saria?!" Navi asked. "What happened to her?!"
"It seems that she has passed out from the lack of this story's progress," said the same fat guy from a few seconds ago.
"But there's nothing we can do about that! The writer's run out of ideas!"
"It appears that the only thing we can do is bring in a new character that is absolutely wonderful."
"I still don't think that'll work!"
However, just as Navi said that, a very handsome man suddenly walked out of one of Kakariko's old buildings. Well, actually, he kicked down the door since it was boarded up.
"Oh my Din…"
"Hi, I'm the new character!" he said.
Navi face palmed. "I don't think this is going to work out."
The new character who doesn't seem to have a name yet held Saria in his arms. "I need to wake her." He pulled her closer-
"NOOO!" Link yelled, jumping forward. "This is NOT a freakin' romance! I FORBID IT!"
"What? Are you her boyfriend or something?"
"ARE YOU DEAF?!"
"Link, you need to calm down! I think Saria's bad temper has rubbed off onto you!" Navi told Link.
However, fortunately for Link, Saria woke up. She looked at the new character-
"Hurry up and say my name!" the new character demanded.
Oh. Right. That's Nathan. He has cool black hair with spiky bangs and green eyes. Awesome! Now I need to stop talking and start narrating again.
"AHEM," Navi started, "ANYWAY."
Saria looked up at Nathan with a confused face, "Who are you…?"
"As just said by the writer, I am Nathan!" he responded.
"Why are you holding me like this?"
There was a long pause.
"Eh, well, I didn't think you'd wake up on your own, so I-" Nathan started.
"Heeeeeey!" the postman suddenly interrupted.
"What the HECK?!" Saria yelled, jumping up. "You're not supposed to appear here!"
"Can I set his flag on fire?" Nathan asked.
"How?"
Nathan did what seemed to be casting a spell, and the postman's flag caught on fire.
"Auuuuugh!" the postman yelled, running away quickly.
"Awesome!" Saria exclaimed. "I really wish I could do that! I would've done it to a lot of people already." She smirked mischievously.
"No! Don't you dare make her love you! I still forbid it!" Link yelled.
"Hey," Midna started, "You don't forbid it because this is a parody, but because you love her, right?"
"GAH! This is insanity!"
So, the writer decided to skip this part until the conflict was resolved and everybody got along. They made their way towards Ordon Village afterwards.
"It was resolved?" Link asked, obviously annoyed. "He and Saria are riding on the same horse now!"
"ALL RIGHT!" Navi shouted. "Link, you need to chill! Nathan, set that enemy on fire, will you?"
"Okay!" Nathan answered, making a devious face. The enemy burned.
"I blew up a building earlier," Saria told Nathan. "It was fun!"
"Cool!"
"Augh, I know what's going to happen. This guy is going to completely replace me, even though I'm supposed to be the main character. Soon enough, the writer isn't going to like me anymore and I'll be quiet for a long time!" Link complained.
"Oh yeah?" Midna asked. "I'm one of the writer's favorite Zelda characters, yet I hardly talk at all."
"How does that answer anything?"
Soon enough, the sun had set and it was dark out. Well, I'm not saying that they were traveling for a long time, I'm just saying that it was already almost night time when they left.
"Hey, is it just me, or am I hearing Malon in the background music?" Navi asked.
"Who's that?" Nathan questioned.
"AH HA! I found a problem!" Link stated. "He wasn't with us on our past adventures, so our inside jokes won't make any sense to him!"
"Screw that, I can burn things." Nathan set a nearby enemy on fire.
"Trust me on this! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR STUPID MOMENTS!"
Epona, getting fed up with Link by this point, knocked him off her back into the grass.
Everybody else snickered. Including the horses.
However, Chase, being obsessed with Epona, decided to be stupid and copied her. I have no idea how, but somehow Nathan fell off and not Saria.
"That was still funny!" Midna stated, laughing.
On closer inspection, though, the horses had been walking over a patch of blue moss. Both Link and Nathan had fallen into it.
"Wait… WHAT?!" Navi and Saria screamed.
"Okay, the writer is just getting bored by this point!" Saria yelled. "This wasn't here on our way to Kakariko!"
"Kakakakakokokoko…" Link said slowly, sitting up.
"Quick! Get them out of it before it's too late!" Navi told Saria.
"What?! How?!" Saria asked.
"I don't know, use a rope or something! It only affects you if your skin touches it!"
"But Link isn't the same size as me anymore, and Nathan is the same!"
Right then, Midna moved Link and Nathan with her giant hand over to a nearby fence.
"Why did this have to happen?!" Saria yelled. "Now we have two boys that are going to go crazy. And one of them can burn things with his mind!"
Nathan suddenly flopped onto Link's lap, "Mommy…"
Saria face palmed. "This is going to suck."
So, somehow, Saria, Navi and Midna managed to get Link and Nathan all the way to Ordon Village. It was hard, but they did it.
"HEY! BO!" Saria yelled, kicking Mayor Bo's house's door open.
"Oh, it has been a while!" Mayor Bo exclaimed.
"Save the greetings for later! How do we get up Death Mountain?!"
"Death Mountain?! Why would you want to go up there?"
"Must I answer? Just TELL ME."
"You seem to be in a bad mood."
"No DUH I am! Link and our new 'friend' have been infected by blue moss! And this isn't the first time for Link! Tell me, and hurry up!"
"Well, you may know already, but they only recognize true strength. In order to get up the mountain, you need to wear heavy boots and toss them aside as you climb it."
"How are boots supposed to help with that? That doesn't give your arms strength!"
"This is the Legend of Zelda, nothing makes sense here."
"Good point. Can I borrow them?"
"Well, normally, I'd have someone challenge me to a sumo match, but you're a girl and Link seems to be having problems, so I'll just give them to you for money instead."
Saria sighed. "How much?"
Nathan suddenly pushed in. "I challenge you!" he said with a drunk-sounding voice.
"No, go back outside!" Saria shoved him out the door. "Don't listen to him!" She pulled out her wallet.
"That'll be 50 rupees," Mayor Bo said. "Haha! She will never be able to afford that!"
"Here." Saria handed him a purple rupee. "I can't believe that's all I have to pay! Ordon must be poor!"
"W-well, okay, I guess I'll give these to you, then."
Saria got the Iron Boots! (Actually, two pairs)
"What? They were 25 each?" Saria asked.
"Well, the next temple would be incompletable if you only have one pair, so I had to give you two pairs."
"Wait, why are these so light?"
"NO," Navi yelled, bursting in. "That joke is FREAKIN' OVERUSED. I refuse to let you make it!"
"All right, fine."
Saria and Navi walked back outside to see Nathan sitting on the ground stroking a chicken, and Link asleep.
"Aww… It's too bad that we have to wake Link up again," Navi said. "I don't want him to talk anymore."
"Cluck cluck cluck," Nathan spoke, imitating a chicken. The chicken in his lap looked happy.
"I don't know who this guy is, but I'm liking this," the chicken said. However, at this point, Navi was the only one who could understand it.
"I AM AWAKE!" Link suddenly yelled, jumping to his feet. He then collapsed again, because you know that nobody can have that much energy after waking up.
"Hey, I got the item…" Saria said slowly.
"YAY! Let's go!" Link mounted Epona.
"You are still capable of riding a horse, right?"
"I DUNNO!"
"Shhh," Nathan said, "Clucker wants you to be quiet."
"C'mon, Nathan," Navi told him. "We need to go."
"LET'S GO TO PANERA BREAD!" Nathan suddenly jumped up, scaring the chicken away.
"YIPPEEE!" Link cheered.
"Augh, now it's like having another Link!" Saria stated, groaning.
"YAY!" Nathan and Link cheered. "LET'SA GO!"
The rest of them sighed.
"Oh no! It's a giant pig thing!" Talo exclaimed. "We're screwed!" He ran away quickly, but Beth stood there like an idiot.
"I know Link will come and save me, so I don't need to move!" she said stupidly.
"Gah!" Colin yelled, running over and pushing her out of the way. The giant pig thing on a boar(King Bulbin) grabbed him instead.
"I have succeeded in capturing a little girl! Now I'll get a promotion for sure!" said the giant pig thing(I prefer it over King Bulbin). Colin was unconscious, so he couldn't say anything while the giant pig thing tied him to a tall pole.
"Hey! Link was supposed to save me, not him!" Beth shouted.
"Colin, you idiot! You should've just left her there!" Talo yelled.
"WE'RE BAAACK!" Link announced. "OHNAYRU! What happened?!"
"Oh no!" Nathan exclaimed. "That little girl is in trouble! We need to save her from the giant pig thing!"
"Um, Nathan, that's a boy," Saria told him.
"All right, whatever! That little girl is in trouble! We need to save her from the giant pig thing!"
Saria sighed.
"I WILL SAVE YOOOOU!" Nathan almost set the pig on fire, but Saria stopped him.
"It's got Colin on a pole, he'll probably die too if you set the pig on fire, and probably the rest of the village will burn too!" Saria told him.
"All right then. NATHAN KICK!" Nathan jumped up, kicking the giant pig thing in the head, making him drop the pole that Colin was tied to. "Quick, brother, untie her!"
"On it!" Link answered, running over to Colin.
"DIE PIG! We know that you've stolen the bird's eggs again!" Nathan stomped on the giant pig thing.
"I'm not a pig!" the pig insisted.
"But you're green and you look like one, so you're a pig!"
King Bulbin used an Escape Rope!
"What?!"
"Well, I guess he's gone," Midna said. "Should we go to Death Mountain now?"
"I'm awake…" Colin stated. "What happened?"
"You saved obnoxious Beth's life for some reason," Talo told him. "What up with that?"
"I dunno, I have heroic instincts all of a sudden."
"Yeah right."
"Are you all right, little girl?" Nathan asked.
"Um, I'm a boy."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I must leave now to the Mountain of Death, Doom and Destruction!" Nathan jumped up and ran off, with the rest of his team following.
"… What just happened…?"
Saria sighed, "All right, we're finally back at Death Mountain…"
"I CAN TAKE THESE GORONS ON!" Nathan yelled proudly.
"Hey, don't yell that! The Gorons could hear you!"
"Pffft, I don't care." Nathan took the Iron Boots from Saria, climbed up the wall and put them on. "COME AT ME BROS!"
"ARRRGH, another human! Fools!" the Goron from before growled in frustration. He rolled towards Nathan, but Nathan tossed him right aside.
"I AM SUCCESSFUL! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" A nearby dead bush caught on fire.
"It's scarier than I thought!" Midna exclaimed. "We better calm him down before he sets Kakariko on fire!"
"Kakakakakokokoko!" Link said.
"I AM UNSTOPPABLE." Another Goron rolled towards Nathan, and he tossed it out of the way. Saria quickly dodged it as it fell down.
"Nathan! I understand that the blue moss is making you crazy, but you need to calm down!" Saria yelled at him.
"Crazy? THIS IS ME!"
Saria rolled her eyes. She climbed up the cliff to where he was, and pulled on one of his ears. "Knock it off, bud. I'm the pyro around here."
"Ow…" Nathan suddenly collapsed.
"Saria?! How hard did you pull his ear?!" Navi asked, flying over.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault! He probably just collapsed out of exhaustion."
"Spaghetti cat…" Nathan mumbled.
"I hope this ends soon…" Navi muttered.
"HEY! HUMANS!" a Goron yelled into a megaphone. "GET OFFA OUR PROPERTEH!"
"Michealgoron! We told you that you have a different job now!" another Goron shouted at him.
"I don't want that other job, though, Kylegoron!"
"Quick, get past them!" Saria told the others. Nathan was conscious again, but thankfully not completely insane anymore.
"Cue Pink Panther music!" Link said. Nathan pulled out an iPod with a speaker.
"No, no! We need to be quiet, you idiots!"
"Aww…" Link and Nathan sighed in disappointment.
After many battles between them and the Gorons, calming down Nathan a few times, telling the two to shut up, and tossing some Gorons off cliffs, and-
"Hey, what about that golden wolf we ran into?" Saria asked.
Eh, yeah. Actually, I think I'll be skipping those, and you'll just be learning them as you go along, since I have no idea where any of them are.
"Fine."
So, inside the building that they climbed up to, a ton of Gorons were in there. They all started rolling in place when they saw them.
"OH CRAP!" Link yelled.
"Hold it, brothers," an old man voice said. He walked out of the door in the back of the room. "We must find out why they're here before we beat them up."
"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BOXING MATCH!" Nathan stated.
"Sumo wrestling," Saria corrected him.
"Same diff."
"I am Gor Coron, an elder of the Gorons. Do you have my tomatoes ready, Josephgoron? I need to throw them at Dinkleburg."
"Is this guy gonna be like that elder guy from Snowhead…?" Navi whispered to Saria.
"I hope not…" Saria answered. "He doesn't seem to be as bad, though."
"FLIPPIN' POTATOES! Where is my hummus?" Gor Coron asked a nearby Goron. "Paulgoron? MY HUMMUS!"
"Sorry, sir, but I haven't gone to the grocery store, since we were ordered not to go off the mountain since the humans live down there," Paulgoron replied.
"Why don't we have a mushrooming grocery store on our mountain?!"
"Well, we do, but all they sell are rocks."
"WELL WE NEED HUMMUS!"
"Have you forgotten about me?!" Nathan yelled.
"HUMMUUUUUUUS!"
Nathan tossed a container of hummus at Gor Coron. "PAY ATTENTION!"
"HUMMUS!" Gor Coron opened the container and ate ALL the hummus plain.
"O_o" was everybody's reaction. Even Nathan and Link, who were still pretty crazy from the moss.
"Davidgoron! I want my socks!"
"Hey, um, can we get into the mines?" Saria asked.
"Oh, the mines? That's all you came for? Sure, go ahead!" Gor Coron moved out of the way.
"Aw, but I wanna box!" Nathan stated. Saria dragged him into the mines, with the rest of the team following.