The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 9: Magic Delivery Guy

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was crushed by a lock again, Navi was pretty much being the question answerer and reminder, Saria discovered new powers, Midna scared the heck out of Nathan and Link, Nathan was annoying and made a fool of himself as well as practically changing personality, and the team beat the Goron Mines… Hooray.

Now for Chapter Nine.

"HEY LOOK, I can leaf-surf!" Saria exclaimed. She was floating in mid-air and zipping through the air on a giant leaf, moving as fast as Link.

"Hey, that's not fair! I'm running at top speed!" Link yelled.

"It's like one of those gears from Sonic Riders! Despite how fast I'm moving, I'm still managing to stay on! I'll race you to Hyrule Castle!"

"Oh come on!" Nathan shouted. Suddenly, Nathan's shoes transformed into skates. Not any skates, but like the ones that Shadow from Sonic has!

"What?! He can do that?!" Navi exclaimed. "How come everybody on our team happens to have ridiculous special abilities?!"

"STOP!" Midna yelled.

Everybody froze and watched as Midna drew a line in the dirt.

"This is the starting line. Whoever gets to the fountain in the center of Hyrule Castle Town wins! Once you enter the town, you just go straight forward and the fountain is right there."

"Is there a prize?" Link asked.

"Well, I guess you'll be considered the fastest on our team, which is a pretty nice title I guess."

"ALL RIGHT! IT'S ON!"

"Wait, I want to enter, too!" a nearby twilight monster said. Nathan set it on fire.

"On your marks…" Midna started. "Get set… GO!"

The three dashed off immediately. It did take Nathan a little while to speed up, but he ended up catching up quickly.

It may seem surprising, but Link was actually doing incredibly well and was ahead of the other two, but Saria pulled of a mid-air trick on a nearby short cliff and landed in front of him.

After a few minutes, they came to the bridge leading to Hyrule Castle Town.

"Almost there!" Saria yelled, taking lead again. She was sweating since obviously using her powers to make herself move this fast was tiring.

When they crashed through the gate, they all started shoving each other everywhere and were causing destruction everywhere. The spirit-form citizens were horrified, since they were invisible but still causing mayhem.

"Sorry bout this!" Nathan said, shoving Saria into a shop.

"HEY!" Saria screamed at him. She attempted to get started again but collapsed. Her leaf board vanished into a bunch of pieces that blew away.

Nathan was winning and they were only a few seconds from the fountain, but Link pulled off a stunt where he jumped off the wall and landed in the fountain before Nathan could get there.

"We have a winner!" Midna stated, warping next to him. "It's… LINK?!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! I knew that I would win!" Link said proudly as he climbed out of the fountain and shook himself off.

"But look what you guys did to the town!" Navi yelled. Panicking spirits and broken objects and shops were everywhere. But the three all collapsed in exhaustion.

"What are we supposed to do about that…?" Saria asked. "They can fix it themselves…"

"But you guys are the ones that destroyed it!"

"But that's not gonna work. Even when we get rid of the twilight, we can't just walk up and say that it was us who destroyed the town, but we were just invisible," Link said.

"That's one fast puppy…" Nathan mumbled.

"Hey, um, do you guys remember why we came here in the first place?" Midna asked.

"I don't really remember," Saria said.

"ILIA!" Navi yelled.

"Oh, right!" Link exclaimed. "But can we eat first?"

"How? No one can see us!"

"Doesn't that make it easier?" Saria questioned.

"What?! You guys are terrible! You're supposed to be saving Hyrule, not taking advantage of the fact that you're invisible!"

"Wait a second, speaking of that, can you guys tell me what our goal even is?" Nathan asked.

There was a long pause.

Navi sighed, "It all started out with the children and Ilia getting captured by the green pig guy. To be honest, I don't know how the rest of the kids got to Kakariko Village, but all I can do it guess that they were saved somehow and got separated. Ilia is here. Anyway, Midna asked us to go 'gather a few things for her', which turned out to be the Fused Shadows that are scattered around the temples in Hyrule. After beating the first temple, the Faron spirit told us that we also needed to destroy the twilight that's taking over the world. So we're kind of doing both of those things at the same time."

"You know, if the first temple was forest, and the second temple was fire, then that means the next temple is going to be water," Saria randomly stated. "Zelda logic."

"W-what?!" Nathan yelled. He looked horrified. "But I can't swim!"

"Figures. Neither could I until I got a certain item that let me breathe underwater. It's pretty reassuring to know that you can breathe underwater and it makes it a lot easier to swim. Speaking of which, I think I still have that necklace from Termina." Saria pulled a necklace out of her tunic.

"Wait, why are you still wearing that?" Navi asked.

"Well, let's just say that I found a shortcut in the Lost Woods to Zora's River, and went swimming when I got bored the day before we went into that portal. I forgot to take it off. I did take the rockets off, though…"

"Hey! I heard someone over here say they wanted food!" a random guy said. He walked up with a Subway bag, and had a red cap that said 'MDG' on it.

Everybody stared.

"What the heck?! You're not a spirit?!" Saria yelled.

"Yeah, I'm the Magic Delivery Guy. If you need an item that you missed, or want something completely irrelevant to the plot that won't change anything, then I'll give it to you!" the guy said.

"Are you like the Happy Mask Salesman and what you do makes no sense as well as you not having a name?" Link asked without thinking.

"DON'T COMPARE ME TO THAT FOOL! I DO HAVE A REAL NAME, AND WHAT I DO DOES MAKE SENSE! I just gave you FOOD and you're saying I'm like HIM?!"

"Whoa, dude! Overreaction!" Nathan said. "Who's the Happy Mask Salesman?"

Saria put her hand on his shoulder, "… I'll tell you later." She had a somewhat scared look on her face, which made Nathan feel uneasy.

"ANYWAY, take your food and I'll leave!" MDG told them, handing them the Subway bag. He stomped off.

"I wonder what his real name is," Link stated.

"Shouldn't you be more concerned about how you're going to eat a sandwich without thumbs?" Navi asked.

Silence.

"Aww, does the little puppy want me to feed it to him?" Midna said, giggling.

"Oh come on! I just won that race and everybody is still mocking me!" Link yelled, growling.

Since Link has been humiliated enough, I'm going to skip to the next scene where they find Ilia.

"… What? Ilia's at a bar?" Link asked in disbelief. "Why?!"

"Well that's a little strange," Saria said. "Kids weren't allowed into the Milk bar, so why is she allowed into a real one?! That can't be legal!"

"This Zora child is going to die!" they heard Ilia say. Yes, it's suddenly a fact that Nathan can hear and see them too.

"I know that already," an older woman's voice said. "You've told me. But why is he going to die?"

"An accident, obviously!"

"Do you actually know?"

"I do know! It was a terrible accident!"

"Now what does this have to do with me again?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, um…" Ilia started. "Aren't you a friend of my great aunt…?"

"I have no idea what you're talkin' about," the woman answered. "I was a friend of your uncle."

"My dad has a brother? Wait… This is completely irrelevant! This Zora is dying!"

"Hey, a red dot just appeared on my map!" Nathan exclaimed.

"Let's go there!" Link said. "I'm sure it's where the next temple is!"

Later at Lake Hylia…

"Yep, it's gonna be a water temple," Saria stated. "But where's all the water?"

"I bet evil drained the lake again, leaving a small amount of water again," Link said as they started to cross the bridge above the lake.

"Hey, is it just me, or is there oil on the bridge?" Midna asked.

"Muahahahaha! You fell right into my trap!" a twilight monster exclaimed. It shot a fire arrow on both sides of the bridge, setting it on fire.

"Quick! Jump off the bridge! There's deep water below!" Navi told them.

"But I told you I can't swim!" Nathan yelled.

Saria pushed a box that was conveniently there to the edge of the bridge. She jumped off. "Woo-hoo!" she shouted out.

"JUST JUMP OFF," Navi ordered. "This is Zelda. You'll survive!" Somehow, she managed to pick him up onto the box and shoved him off.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Nathan screamed like a girl as he fell. He landed in the water with an enormous splash. "AUGH! I can't swim!" He practically flailed around aimlessly while Saria pushed him out of the water.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" she told him, shoving him onto shore.

"Do you expect somebody who specializes in fire to be able to cope with water very easily? Now my hair is ruined, too." He pulled a comb out of his pocket.

"Hey… Is that a clown?" Midna asked, pointing to a guy on a large raft with what seemed like a building on it.

"IT'S A MONSTERRRR! HEEELP!" the weird clown guy exclaimed. A twilight monster came up, pulled up some hawk grass and summoned a 'bird'.

"That doesn't look like a bird," Link stated.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I am evil!" the monster said.

"Whoa. I haven't heard that in a LONG time," Saria spoke.

"FIGHT ME FOOLS! I have an advantage since I'm in the sky-" Saria shot the monster off the bird. "Oh come on! Why is this game so easy for you guys?!" She finished it off with her sword and it disintegrated.

"Now we better kill that bird thing too-"

"Wait," Midna said. She floated up to the bird. "Maybe we can use this to get up the river!"

"How?" everybody asked.

"Well, at least it'll help get our dog up the river."

"I'M NOT A DOG!" Link screamed. "STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Whoa! Raging Link!" Saria exclaimed.

"I blame it on you," Navi told her.

"What was the point of that?!" Link yelled at Midna. "The bird picking me up and carrying me all the way up this long river was completely pointless! Did you see Saria and Nathan?! All Saria needed to do was use her powers to get them up. BUT ME?!"

Saria suddenly collapsed… again.

"See? That was tiring," Midna told Link.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's lack of sugar."

"I doubt that."

"Huh, speaking of which, I don't think she's had any sweets since we came here…" Navi said.

Suddenly, a shop appeared close by. Magic Delivery Guy sat behind the desk.

"Sup guys, want cake?" he asked.

"CAKE?" Saria asked, jumping up and running over.

"Yeah, here's some cheesecake." He handed her some.

"For free?!"

"Yeah, I'm Magic Delivery Guy, not a salesperson. I work for the writer, so of course it's free."

"Whoopee!"

"Hey, wait a second…" Nathan started, looking at the delivery guy.

"HEY, have some cake!" MDG handed Nathan some cheesecake.

"You look familiar!"

MDG sweat-dropped. "What are you talking about?"

"Who?" Saria asked, her mouth full of cake.

"Drake?!" Nathan exclaimed, nearly dropping his cake.

"CRAP! I've been found out!" MDG exclaimed. He and his 'shop' vanished, but all the cake he had remained.

"Who's Drake?" Link asked.

"That guy. He's a friend of mine and my rival, and I hadn't seen him for quite a while until now," Nathan told them. "He's actually an ice mage."

"Does that mean that he froze the river? This whole place is frozen solid."

"I don't think that was him," Midna said. "Twilight tends to freeze large bodies of water sometimes. Don't ask me why."

"So why did he freak out when you found out it was him?" Saria asked.

"Well, it's either because he wanted to confuse the readers more or less, or he didn't want me to know it was him," Nathan answered. "I don't really see why it matters, though."

"Wait… This is Zora's Domain, right?" Navi questioned.

"Yeah," Midna replied.

"If the water's frozen, then does that mean all of the Zora's are frozen in the ice?"

There was a pause.

"Again?" Saria complained. "What is it with the Zoras and getting frozen?"

"It only happened twice, Saria," Navi told her.

"Still!"

"Hey, I think we need to get up there…" Nathan stated, pointing up to the top of the frozen waterfall.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Link asked.

"Remember back in the Hyrule Castle sewers when you first came into the twilight? You have to jump from platform to platform!" Midna told him.

"Honestly, I have no idea how that worked. All she did was float there and Link suddenly had magic jumping legs," Navi said.

"But this time, you have to jump on ice."

"How am I supposed to pull off something like that?!" Link yelled.

"THIS IS ZELDA."

Saria, rather than listening to this conversation, decided to toss her rope all the way up the waterfall and climb up. Thankfully, it was barely long enough for her to get all the way up. Apparently, it was a really long rope.

"WHOA," Nathan exclaimed. "I knew she was strong, but I didn't know she was that strong."

"C'mon, hurry up!" Saria shouted.

"Still no Zoras…" Navi stated.

"AUGH!" Nathan yelled all of a sudden, jumping back.

"What's your problem?" Saria asked.

"Don't look down!"

Because he told them not to, everybody looked down.

Incased in the ice looked like the spirits of every single Zora in the whole domain. They all looked like they were trying to escape, but didn't make it in time.

"Well… That's somewhat disturbing…" Saria said. "I wonder why they were all in the water at once."

"How about we melt the ice?" Midna suggested. "Nathan?"

"Sorry, the whole thing is frozen solid. I don't think I can handle that," Nathan answered.

"Huh… Remember that gigantic burning rock that crashed down on Death Mountain? Maybe we should use that."

"Wouldn't that kill off the whole freakin' race?!" Navi yelled. "That's completely insane!" Midna ignored her, though.

"Good thing I picked it up while you weren't looking." She snapped her fingers and the huge rock appeared above the ice.

"You're crazy! There's no way they'll survive this!"

Midna dropped the rock in the center of the pool, shattering the ice. Water burst out of the pool, right over all the ice in the domain. The heat of the rock flowing through the water melted all the ice.

In minutes, all of the Zora spirits had climbed out. They pretty much looked like they were going to die from coldness.

"… Whoa," everyone said.

Suddenly, a spirit appeared. But it wasn't just any spirit, it was an actual ghost.

"WHO CARES!" Saria yelled at the narrator/writer.

"Hello, I am Rutela the deceased Zora queen," the spirit greeted.

"Okay, seriously? They just took Ruto and changed it a bit."

"The only reason I have appeared is to tell you to save my son. He is dying from a terrible accident. And also, you can't get to the next temple without an item you get afterwards, anyway."

"Oh, wasn't he in that bar with Ilia?" Link asked. "Are we supposed to go back there?"

"We probably need to get rid of the twilight here first," Saria said.

"But if his life is on edge, then why would they make us wait?!" Navi yelled.

Saria suddenly stomped her foot. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is that this story is completely based off the game with our ranting and talking added? This isn't how it used to be, right?"

The wall suddenly exploded. The monkey terrorist from Chapter 5 came out!

"Okay, seriously?"

"Wait a second, there's twilight right now! Why are there so many people in this story that can defy the game's logic?!" Navi yelled.

"Muahahahahaha!" the monkey laughed. Well, I'm not actually sure whether he's a monkey or not, but I'll just call him one to make it easier. "Soon, all of the evil Jelly Blobs within the Lakebed Temple will die! All I need to do is press this button-"

"HOLD IT, MORON!" Saria shouted, kicking the monkey across the room, causing more destruction of the walls. All of the Zoras were incredibly confused since they were all invisible to them!

"Huh, it's kind of ironic how the Sage of Forest pretty much has superhuman strength," Link stated.

"What was the point of blowing up the wall and announcing that you're gonna kill whatever these Jelly Blobs are? And WHY are you back?!"

"Maybe the writer got bored again and is going to blow up another temple…" Midna suggested.

"Wait, you can't blow up the next temple! It's the water temple! And also, it has the last piece of the Fused Shadow! You can't just skip past it!" Navi yelled. "And besides, what if the writer has some creative ideas for it?"

"Yeah, it's the water temple, that's exactly why I'm going to blow it up. We all know that water temples are evil," the monkey said. "So are Jelly Blobs."

"SHUT UP!" Navi threw a punch at the monkey, sending him flying into another wall.

"Whoa, looks like Navi's snapped!" Link exclaimed.

"And for such a pointless reason, too," Midna said.

"Actually, there's an explanation for this. Every once in a while, Navi will completely snap and become an enemy to everything. It's even worse than it used to be because of something she did."

"What?"

"Back in the Kokiri Forest, I remember Navi watching something about how to properly punish people that annoy you…"

"Oh goddesses, not that…" Saria mumbled.

"It had a strange effect on her, and now, every once in a while, she'll completely snap. It's not every time, but it'll happen sometimes. It's only happened the first time back in the forest and now, but Navi will become a destructive machine and an enemy to everything in her path."

"Why does everybody in this story have some sort of problem?" Midna asked.

There was a pause, not counting the violence happening between Navi and the monkey in the background.

"Stop! Please! I won't blow up the temple!" the monkey insisted.

"YEAH RIGHT!" Navi shouted, giving him another kick.

"Should we call the police…?" Nathan asked.

"But then they'll think that Navi's the bad guy," Link said.

"But on the other hand, the monkey did say that the cops were after him, meaning that they knew who he was and that he was evil, right?" Saria stated.

"Navi might be arrested too, though."

"Don't worry, she's a main character. It'll work itself out somehow." Saria picked up a phone on a nearby table. Don't ask why it's there, it just is.