The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 11: Saria is a Maniac and Nathan is Hilarious

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link got a pair of magic glasses, Saria flipped out, Navi snapped, Midna sat back and did nothing, Nathan pleased Ilia and pretty much nothing happened.

Now for Chapter Eleven.

"Where the heck did you get that sandwich?" Saria asked Nathan.

"I found it in the carriage…" he answered.

"… Was there more?"

"Guys, we're at Kakariko," Navi told them.

"Remind me why we needed to come here?" Link asked. "It's not like there's someone here who can take care of the Zora."

"You don't know that. Maybe there is."

"Hey, you know how there was a graveyard here, right?" Saria said. "Why don't we bring back good memories of doing something terrible and go grave robbing?!"

"Yeah!" Link cheered.

"What is wrong with you two?" Navi asked, sighing.

"Whoa! I knew you guys were interesting but I never knew you were that interesting!" Nathan exclaimed.

"Seriously…?" Navi placed her hand on her forehead, sighing again.

Later at the graveyard…

"Gah!" Saria groaned in frustration, slamming her shovel into the ground. "None of these stupid graves have anything valuable! The most valuable thing I've found here is a yellow rupee!"

"What about that hole back there?" Link asked, pointing to the back of the graveyard. "Maybe there's something important back there."

"Why would somebody go to the trouble of digging a small hole that I can barely fit through and putting a grave back there? Maybe it really is valuable…"

"The person digging the grave must've been pretty small," Nathan stated.

"IS THAT A FRIGGIN' INSULT?! Are you calling me small?!"

Nathan threw his hands up. "IT'S A COINCIDENCE!"

"Don't get angry, Saria! You've always been shorter than us-" Link started, but Navi smacked him across the face.

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" Navi yelled. "Saria, you're not short! You're average height!" Actually, that's a lie. She is shorter than average. Navi's just trying to make her feel better.

"But I'm short compared to these guys!" Saria told her.

"You don't need to be as tall as your partners to be intimidating! Trust me, you're intimidating enough the way you are!"

Saria's eyes lit up. "Do you really mean that?"

"YES! Now crawl through the hole and grave rob to your heart's content!"

"HOORAY!" Saria crawled through the hole. "Whoa, it's that ghost Zora from that other time! Is this your grave or something?"

"Eh… Yeah," she responded. "It actually has the Zora Armor inside it, which is that item I was telling you about in Chapter 9."

"So you're practically asking me to take that? What's it doing in your grave if we need it, anyway?"

"Muahahaha!" someone laughed. They looked up to see a few monkeys sitting on top of the high ledge. "We're here to steal that armor you need to get to the next temple so you can't get there!"

"How did you guys come back? I thought Navi sent you away or something."

"Well, eh… We found you again." A few knives almost hit the monkeys. "WHAT! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!"

"Oops, looks like my hand slipped," Nathan said, sitting on the wall connecting that spot and the graveyard.

"How did you get up there?" Saria asked him.

"There was a ladder."

"Guys! I don't think you can just kill the monkeys like that!" Navi told them. "This story would no longer be appropriate for children!"

"This story has never been appropriate for children," Saria said. "Besides, this one's rated T, remember?"

"Well… It would be even less appropriate! And since when have you had throwing knives?!"

"This whole time, I've just never used 'em," Nathan spoke.

"How did they appear back in your hand?" Link asked, pulling himself onto the cliff.

"They're magic throwing knives. Now hurry up and take the item before that monkey wearing sunglasses gets there first!"

Saria swam (yep, we know there's a pool of water) over to the grave in slow motion as the monkey with sunglasses climbed down the wall on a rope. They reached the grave at about the same time.

"No, I'm taking the stupid armor!" Saria yelled.

"I'm taking it to MASTER GARETH!" the monkey shouted. Saria kicked him into the water with ease.

Saria got the Zora Armor!

"Wow, sure is fancy," Saria stated. "What exactly does this do?" She continuously kicked monkeys coming at her away.

"It lets you breathe underwater, or hold your breath forever. I don't really remember," Rutela answered. "It's kind of hard to tell in the game."

"That's odd. All we needed was a tunic in Ocarina of Time… Why does it happen to have the same shaped hat as Link's? It's like how all of the tunics had the same exact design as his clothes."

"Well, Link's hat happens to have a similar shape to the back of a Zora's head…" Navi said. "I don't understand the tunic thing, though."

"Hey! Guys! Now let's go to the Lakebed Temple!" Midna told everyone.

"Tell my son I love him," Rutela spoke, then vanished.

"HELICOPTER!" Navi called. A ladder dropped down.

"NOW you use this thing again?!" Saria yelled, kicking yet another monkey away.

"C'mon!"

"NOO! YOU WON'T GET AWAY!" a monkey yelled. "BOMBS AWAAAAAY!"

"Sir, we don't have any bombs," another monkey told him.

"Then what do we have?!"

"We have a plate of burritos, and that's all we came with."

"Well then, give me one of those freakin' burritos!"

"Why are we back in the bomb shop?" Link asked. "We need to hurry up and leave before Beth finds out we're here!"

"I saw an advertisement outside that said that he now sells underwater bombs! Isn't that awesome?" Saria told him. "It's worth stopping our helicopter!"

"Why is he advertising in this town when the population here used to be three people until the children and we traveled here with the carriage?"

"I honestly have no idea. He does look like a dork, so he probably is one, too."

"What was that?" the dorky-looking guy asked.

Saria walked over to the desk. "Hey, Barney, can I have some water bombs?"

"GAH! BARNEY!" Link screamed, then hid behind some crates.

"It's Barnes! And if you want some more bombs, you need to have another bomb bag. You can't carry both kinds of bombs in one bag, because that would obviously mess up a ton of stuff."

"Now that I think about it, we're pretty good at having a lot of money," Navi said. "I know that we got that huge amount of money from the Deku Tree, and brought our wallets with us, but we bought some stuff in the past two stories! Where are we getting all this money? There can't be that much lying around."

"Well, I guess there is, because I keep finding a lot of it every once in a while. Now give me water bombs!" Saria told Barney. "How much?"

"I said that you need another bomb bag! And I don't have any at the moment!" Barney said.

"Aren't we supposed to have two at this point?" Nathan asked. "According to the walkthrough…" (At least, I think you're supposed to have two)

"WALKTHROUGH?!" everyone yelled.

"Don't tell me you had a walkthrough this whole time!" Saria shouted.

"It just came in the mail…" Nathan said, taking it out. It was actually a guide that was written by me to mess with them disguised as a Prima Games guide.

"ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I have another bomb bag, I just didn't want to give it to you since I hadn't thought of a price yet!" Barney insisted. "DON'T HURT MEEE!"

"Is he scared of strategy guides or something?"

Saria turned to Barney, "You already sold me a bomb bag, couldn't you have just sold it for the same price?"

"I was trying to thing of some reason to make it cost more, but you showed up before I thought of anything! PLEASE! JUST DON'T HURT MEEE!"

So, in the end, Saria ended up getting the bombs for free, using the strategy guide to scare the crap out of Barney. You know that's how she is.

"IT'S LINK! HE CAME BACK!" Beth shrieked.

"AUUUGH!" Link screamed, running for his life. "STAY AWAY!"

"Wow, he's really developed a fear of her," Saria stated.

"You don't know what it's like to have a real stalker! NOW HURRY UP!"

So finally, they arrived at the Lakebed Temple. Or rather, they arrived near it.

"WHAT?!" Nathan yelled. "The entrance is underwater?! Why didn't I get an item that lets me breathe underwater or something?! Even so, an underwater entrance?! I don't think I'll be able to live with this!"

"Oh shut up, Nathan. I see Drake coming this way… again," Saria said.

Nathan ran over to him. "DUDE! DO YOU HAVE MY WATER PROTECTER THING?! You know I hate the idea of swimming!"

"Wha? I just brought a pizza over," Drake stated.

"NOO! BUT I CAN'T SWIM!" Nathan clutched his head and did something similar to the Happy Mask Salesman.

"Just joking!"

Nathan got the Random Water Stuff! Pretty much just a pendant and some rockets.

"Wait a sec, we don't have rockets! And if Nathan can't swim, I don't think rockets are going to help him!" Saria said.

"Here."

Link and Saria also got rockets.

"Now remember, thanks to that comment that Nathan made earlier, the Lakebed Temple is a shopping mall," Drake explained.

"Lakebed Temple?" Saria asked. "So that's what it's actually called."

"NOW SWIM!" Drake shoved Nathan into the water.

"Dude! I haven't even put the stuff on yet!" Nathan yelled.

"Too bad! SWIM!"

After the conflict was resolved…

"How long do we have to swim underwater?!" Nathan complained. "Why would a shopping mall have an underwater tunnel being the only entrance, anyway, and on top of that, we had to use a water bomb in order to get inside!"

"Shut up, Nathan! You're being annoying!" Saria yelled.

Nathan went to go sulk in a corner.

"HELLO! Welcome to the Lakebed Mall!" a blue blob greeted.

"Are you a chuchu or something?" Link asked. "Can you actually see? You don't have eyes…"

"Why is that the first thing that EVERYBODY points out?! No, I can't see! I've trained myself to see by the vibrations of the earth-"

"You're not cool enough to see like that," Saria told him.

"NOBODY LIKES ME! YOU HAVE A SWORD! KILL ME NOW!"

"Hey, the enemy doesn't usually ask to be killed," Link said. "I'm not gonna kill something that doesn't deserve to be killed."

"Whaaaat?" Saria asked disbelievingly, putting her sword away. "I kill things whenever I get the chance-" She was cut off by Nathan covering up her mouth. "MMMPH MMPH MPH MMMMPH!" (LET GO OF ME!) "Man, this guy is strong!"

"BUT NO ONE LIKES ME ANYWAY! I don't need to live!" the blue blob cried.

Saria managed to pull Nathan's hand off her mouth. "I know he doesn't! He's just a blue blob!"

"SARIA! Stop making things worse!" Navi shouted. "Are you incapable of being sympathetic?!"

"Probably!"

"Is that some sort of disorder?" Link asked. "There seems to be a disorder for everything…"

"I wouldn't be surprised if it is," Nathan stated.

"MUAHAHAHA! I HAVE TRICKED YOU!" the blue blob yelled. It morphed into the shape of Slenderman.

"OH DIN!" Link screamed. He took off his hat and blindfolded himself. "I won't die if I can't see him, right?!"

"Link, chill. It's just a chuchu," Nathan said.

"I AM NOT JUST ANYTHING! I AM THE LORD OF THE BLUE CHUCHUS, AND IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE YOU ALL DIE-" the blue blob was cut off. Literally. He was cut off by Saria's sword. Nathan let her go a bit ago. "I WON'T DIE THAT EASILY!"

"Yeah right," Saria spoke. She cut it some more. "You guys can't live forever. Once you've been cut up enough you die."

"Cut up? Violent choice of words there, even if it is just a chuchu…" Link stated.

"NOO! I have been defeated!" the blue chuchu shouted. It fell down and melted into a puddle.

"Can we eat it?" Saria asked.

"O_o" was everyone's reaction.

"What? It looks edible."

"It's on the floor! That's unsanitary!" Nathan yelled.

"Clean freak. I'm eating it." Saria got down on her knees and pulled a spoon out of her pocket.

"DON'T DO THAT!"

"That's disgusting!" Navi shouted.

"IGNORED!" Saria yelled at them. She ate some of the chu jelly.

"OH NAYRU!" everybody cried in disgust.

"Whoa, it tastes pretty good! I'm saving it!" Saria pulled out a bottle that she got at some point and scooped up some of the jelly.

"That's so disgusting…" Link mumbled. "How can that taste good?"

"It tastes like blueberry pie filling! Problem?"

"But it was still on the ground," Nathan said.

"I don't care. This is Zelda."

"Wow, this is an incredibly fancy temple!" Link exclaimed, still wearing the glasses. "There's even a chandelier!"

"Well, it is a shopping mall now. But even so, a chandelier is a bit excessive," Navi stated.

"I think that was always there," Nathan said. "Now take off those stupid glasses!" He took off Link's glasses and put them in his pocket. "How do you keep getting these back?"

"I dunno…" Link answered, shrugging.

"HOLY CRAP! IT'S HYRULE'S BEST YOGURT!" Saria screamed. "WE NEED TO GET SOME."

"Why is that store here, too? Isn't this a different dimension?" Navi asked.

"Don't question it. COME ON!"

After some delicious frozen yogurt…

"Good thing we have a lot of money! This stuff is really expensive," Saria pointed out.

"Where are we supposed to go next?" Nathan asked.

"Look, a lever!" Link exclaimed. He jumped off a ledge and grabbed the lever. The staircase in the center of the giant room rotated 90 degrees. Thankfully, it ended up right under his feet. "A new path has been opened!"

Insert ALttP discovery music here.

"The fact that this is a shopping mall doesn't seem to be very relevant…" Navi stated.

"Whoa, I found Gamestop!" Link exclaimed. "I wonder what it's doing all the way across a bunch of spinning platforms and some underwater passages that had been partly blocked off by rocks."

They entered Gamestop. It seemed to be practically empty with some water on the ground.

"What's up with this? Maybe this is the old one or something…" Saria said.

"THERE'S A FROG ON THE CEILING," Nathan stated. "A GIANT ONE."

Everybody looked up. An enormous fat frog thing fell down to the ground, barely missing them.

"Darn it all! I missed!" the giant frog said. It's voice wasn't very pretty.

"GAH! IT'S HORRIBLE!" Saria screamed, quickly drawing her sword. "It must be the mini boss! TIME TO DIE!"

"You bet I'm dah mini boss! The reason I'm so fat is because I ate every last bit of this shop!"

"Including the people?!" Nathan asked.

"Nah, they all ran away."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU! NO ONE MESSES WITH GAMESTOP!" Saria yelled.

"MUAHAHAHA! I won't die so easily! My only weak spot is my tongue-" Saria interrupted him with a stab right on his forehead.

"Well, I think that did something to the rating for sure," Midna said.

"WHY?! THE PAAAAAIN! IT BURRNSSSS!"

"It better burn! Suffer slowly and DIE! I won't let anyone mess with Gamestop and get away with it!" Saria said.

"Wow. Violent choice of words," Link stated. "Again."

The giant fat frog threw up everything that it ate. It's disgusting even in-game, but thankfully the brown sludge that came with it disappeared. The frog died afterwards.

"I HAVE WON! Gamestop is SAVED!" Saria cheered, holding up her sword in victory.

Suddenly, the room transformed and it magically became Gamestop again rather than an ancient room with a puddle covering the floor. The treasure chest was completely clean, too. Link opened it.

Link got the Clawshot!

"Huh? It looks different than the hookshot," Link stated, holding it up.

"That's because it has a claw rather than a hook," Saria told him.

"But the hookshot didn't even have a hook, it had a spike…"

"So you think it would be called the Spikeshot?"

"Eh… Not exactly…"

"Is there another one?"

"Yeah."

Link gave Saria the other Clawshot.

"Wait a second, what about Nathan?" Saria asked.

"Don't worry, I'll just use it and you can hold onto me," Nathan said, smiling. They could almost see sparkles around him.

O_o

"HECK NO," Saria yelled, turning her head. "This is my clawshot!"

"Knowing him, I'm sure he can grow wings or something," Midna said.

"Oh come on! I can't do that!" Nathan told them. "Stop making assumptions!"

"Guys, there were three…" Link stated, holding up the last one.

"OH. Couldn't you have given that to him before he make that cheesy comment?" Saria asked with an annoyed look.

"Hey, I didn't have a chance to."

"How do we get back out of here…?" Nathan questioned, looking around. The way in had been blocked off when the frog dropped from the ceiling.

"I guess we have to break it," Saria said. "I wonder what we have to use."

"Wait! Knowing this game, there's probably a switch hidden in here somewhere!" Navi told them.

"Where the heck are we going to find a switch in Gamestop?"

"Look! There's a golden thing with a red center! Maybe it's a hookshot- I mean clawshot thing!"

"FIRE!" Link yelled, firing his clawshot up to it. It pulled him up and the switch pulled down, opening up a nearby gate.

"… Oh, I guess we aren't going back that way," Saria spoke. "All right, now it's time to find the boss door!"

"Off we go!" Link dropped down from the ceiling. "AUGH! I cracked my ankles…"