The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 13: Copyrighted Moves and Several Explosions
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link got cursed, Saria completely owned Morpheel, Navi hardly said anything, Midna almost died, Nathan attempted romance (and failed), and Zant was an obnoxious moron.
Now for Chapter Thirteen.
"Under the sea, under the sea, something about water, I don't know what I'm singing, under the sea!" Link attempted to sing.
"SHUT UP, LINK! You've been trying to sing Disney songs for the past hour, and it's getting annoying!" Saria yelled.
"OH MY DIN OH MY DIN OH MY DIN!" a monkey yelled. It was being chased by a bunch of puppet-like monsters. "THEY'RE ALIVE! IT'S AN APOCALYPSE!"
"Gee, I wonder which person that one is," Navi said.
"Save me! I'm a real monkey!"
"But you're talking," Saria stated.
"OH MY DIN! I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED! RETREAT!" The monkey ran off into the woods, the puppets following behind it.
"Um… okay…"
"Great. Tightropes," Nathan said. "How are we supposed to get over this?"
"Well," Link started, "Obviously I'm a master at balancing, so I can easily get over this giant chasm on a tightrope."
"But I don't even see anything down there!"
"Later folks, I'm going the easily way!" Saria told them, taking out her rope that she hasn't used in a while. She tossed it up, it wrapped around a tree, and she swung over.
"Couldn't you have just used your powers or something to get over?" Navi asked. "I mean, your leaf board floats, right?"
"Eh, I forgot about it. But even so, I think it can only stay a few feet off the ground or something at most. If I tried to go over the chasm, then I might've fallen. Now have fun trying to get over, you two!" Saria pulled her rope back to her.
"Oh, come on! Couldn't you have left that there for me?!" Nathan yelled. "That's not fair!"
"Well, I thought you would be like Link and would completely fail, ending in you falling."
Rather than Nathan taking that as an insult for her comparing him to Link, he took it that she was worried about him. "It's so nice of you to worry."
"Was that sarcastic? It was supposed to be an insult."
"YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME!"
"Yeah, seriously, Saria," Navi said, "What did he ever do to you?"
"Have you not been paying attention? He keeps hitting on me! It's annoying!"
"Oh come on, it's just my nature!" Nathan insisted.
"We're having a completely irrelevant conversation!" Link stated. "Didn't I tell you guys this story isn't supposed to have romance?"
"This isn't romance, it's an argument about flirting."
"MOVING ON!"
"Why am I hearing a different version of my song in the background?" Saria asked.
"Hey, look, a howling stone!" Link exclaimed. He howled the song that it whistled, which was Zelda's Lullaby. A creature dropped from the trees.
"Hehehe! Come and get me!" it said. A wall disappeared, revealing a tunnel, and it ran away through it. Four puppets dropped down around the team.
"Great. More hide and seek," Saria mumbled, killing them. "I swear we can't get through a Zelda game without playing hide and seek."
"Did we play hide and seek in Ocarina of Time?" Link asked.
"Eh, who cares. I guess we have to follow that thing since there doesn't seem to be anything else to do." More puppets dropped down. "Are you serious?"
"Maybe they're infinite…"
"In that case, let's not bother killing them."
The team walked away casually. The puppets did not feel very threatening.
"HA! I found you!" Saria yelled, leaping at the creature from before. It warped away. "AUGH! This is so frustrating!"
"Saria, stop and think for a while," Navi told her. "Is that thing our enemy, or is it just playing around? It reminds me of the Skull Kid, maybe he's just playing around."
"Why can't we just ignore it?!"
"Because the only way to move forward is by getting it to open paths for us," Nathan said.
"Why do we need to catch it first?!" Saria was obviously getting very fed up with this game. "I swear, next time I jump at it I'm going to be holding my sword!"
"I don't think that's necessary, Saria! What if there's another way?"
"Hehehe! Come and get me again!" the Skull Kid laughed, running off again. However, Saria used her powers to summon vines and catch it.
"If you warp away, I'm taking out my sword next time!" Saria threatened. "You better take us to the Master Sword or I'll cut you!"
"Excuse her rudeness, for she gets very violent when she's angry," Link said, wearing those glasses again. "It would be very kind of you to tell us if you know."
"Screw you, suckers! Later!" the Skull Kid said, warping away.
"GAAAAAAAHH!" Saria screamed, completely losing it. "Who cares! WHO NEEDS YOU TO GET THERE! I HAVE BOMBS!" Saria fired a bomb arrow at the next blocked off tunnel, blowing it up.
"Wow. That actually worked," Nathan said, taking Link's glasses again. "Didn't think it would…"
"Why didn't we try that earlier?" Link asked.
"Because we were focusing on chasing that Skull Kid."
"Wait, how do you know it's called that?"
"Strategy guide!"
"Right."
"IT'S YOU AGAIN!" Saria screamed, looking at the Skull Kid from earlier. "YOU MUST DIE!" She readied her bomb arrows.
"Hehehe! You found me-" the Skull Kid was cut off by the bomb arrow's explosion.
"Oh no, we're killing characters again!" Link exclaimed.
When the smoke cleared up, the Skull Kid was gone. "Hehehe, I'll see you later!" its voice said.
"Why didn't it DIE-" Saria started, but was interrupted.
"Saria, if you don't calm down, you'll have the Teletubby penalty!" Navi yelled.
"I'M NOT SCARED OF SOME TELETUBBIES!"
"I'll also make you watch My Little Pony for 7 hours!"
"There aren't even any TVs here! I'm not scared of some PENALTY!"
"You haven't seen any TVs, but you know that Drake will come and bring one if we need him to… Even out here, in the middle of no where, it'll work!"
"All right, fine! I'll shut up! I just need something to resolve my anger before I break something, since I didn't have a chance to on that STUPID-"
Link sweat dropped, "H-hey, look! I think we're here!"
"You need to howl a song on that Triforce mark…" Nathan said, pointing to a mark on the ground.
"Why the heck does he keep on needing to howl stupid songs?! He's not even that good-" Saria started, but Nathan covered her mouth.
"You need to be quiet."
"MMMPHMMNT!"
"WE ARE ALIVE!" the statues near the Triforce mark stated. "Now you have to complete an obnoxious puzzle in order to move on-"
Saria broke free from Nathan. "AWWW HECK NO!" She kicked down the two statues. "We aren't doing ANY puzzles! WE'RE PASSING THROUGH TO THE MASTER SWORD!"
"That door won't open by force, you need to complete the puzzle-"
"THEN I'LL GO AROUND THE STUPID DOOR!" Saria shot a bomb arrow next to the door, blowing up the wall.
"OH NO! Our master plan to prevent anyone to pass through has failed! RETREAT!" Both of the statues went into the ground and were gone.
"Seriously, what's down there?" Link wondered, looking at the ground.
"HAHAHAHA! What now, statues?! I'M A BOSS!"
"Feeling better?" Navi asked.
"Yeah, mostly."
The team passed through the hole in the wall. Before them stood the Master Sword, in a pedestal in the center of the 'room'.
"All right! Time to get back to human form!" Link said, running over to the sword.
A light blasted out of the sword like wind. Midna was blown off of Link and crashed into the wall behind them.
Soon, Link had transformed back into his human form and had his hand on the sword. He pulled it up dramatically and held it in the air.
Link got the Master Sword!
"I feel so awesome!" he exclaimed. He swung it around, spun it in his hand and put it away. LIKE A BOSS!
"Wow, I think I'm going to steal that move!" Saria stated.
"No. It's copyrighted."
"Hey, guys," Midna said, holding out the object that had cursed Link earlier. "Here's the source of the curse! Don't touch it, or else you'll turn back into a wolf!"
"We should get rid of it right away, right?" Navi asked.
"On the other hand, with the magic of this crystal, you'll be able to transform whenever you want, though. Maybe I should hold onto it just in case!" The crystal vanished in black squares.
"Now what are we supposed to do…?" Link questioned.
"Well, we need to get to the Twilight Realm. It very important that we do! In order to do that, we need to find the Mirror of Twilight."
"All right, strategy guide time… I have no idea what's going on and what we're supposed to do right now!"
Nathan pulled out the guide, "According to the guide, we need to go to Lake Hylia, talk to a guy on a tower and get a permission slip for a cannon in order to get to the next area…"
"Oh, screw this! A CANNON?! Navi! Get the helicopter!" Saria yelled.
"But-" Navi started.
"GET THE FREAKIN' HELICOPTER!"
So, the team of heroes ended up cheating and taking the helicopter to the Gerudo Desert.
"Flashback time!" Midna stated.
"EH?" everybody said at once.
"Muahahahaha!" Zant laughed. "Your kingdom is mine, now!"
"No! My kingdom is not yours!" Midna said.
"Yes it is!" Zant slapped Midna, and she transformed into an imp.
"What the heck did that change? All you did was make me tiny."
"Nobody will like you anymore now that you look like that!"
"It's still my kingdom!"
"SILENCE! Be off, imp!"
A few minutes later…
"Augh, walking is so hard!" Midna complained, stumbling with every step. "Maybe I need to float for the rest of my life now! Well, I can't believe that Zant completely took over my kingdom just by transforming me. No one even knows who I am anymore!"
"Princess Midna? What are you doing?" a Random Person asked.
Midna ignored him. "I need to go to the world of light and find something so I can defeat Zant!"
"What?! Don't leave us with him!"
"Is that really what happened?" Nathan asked. "It didn't sound very realistic."
"You're a princess?" Link questioned.
"Well, I don't exactly remember whether you're supposed to know that at this point, but I'm actually a princess, so treat me with respect!"
"Pfft, forget about that," Saria said. "There's no way anyone will end up treating you differently, especially when you waited this long to tell us."
"If I told you immediately than you wouldn't have believed me."
"It's meaningless no matter when you tell us."
"All right, fine, be that way."
"What the HECK?" Link yelled. "Why is there a piece of a bridge in the middle of the desert?!"
"I think it's the missing piece of the Eldin Bridge…" Nathan said.
"Well, time to restore it!" Midna stated. She snapped her fingers. The huge piece of bridge disappeared.
"That was… interesting…"
"Wow, that was an AWESOME hidden skill!" Saria exclaimed, putting her sword away.
"Saria's sword skills are so ridiculous she almost killed a dead guy…" Link stated.
"Why are you so happy all of a sudden, anyway?" Navi asked Saria.
"Destruction and explosions makes me happy," Saria answered, smiling. "ESPECIALLY when they're caused by me."
O_o
"You're insane," Navi told her flatly.
"INVASION TIME!" Saria yelled, kicking over a tower. (How the heck do you KICK OVER a tower?!)
A few minutes earlier, they had come across an entrance to a camp of green pig things. Saria had decided to barge in and destroy it.
"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" a green pig thing yelled. Saria kicked the tower he was standing on over.
"Muahahahaha! You will never stop me with your measly clubs!"
"What about fire arrows?!" a bunch of other green pig things asked, pulling out bows with burning arrows.
"Compared to BOMB ARROWS, which I have, they are SUCKY!" Saria took out her own bow and held out an arrow with a bomb on it. "I'M GONNA SHOOT!"
"RETREAT! She is better than us on all levels!" a pig thing announced.
"BOW DOWN TO MY GREATNESS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"She's losing it again, isn't she," Nathan said, sighing.
"Yep, she definitely is…" Navi spoke.
"BOSS TIME! I RETURN!" the giant pig thing yelled, walking up with a giant axe.
"You again?" Nathan asked. "I thought you ran off a cliff!"
"I had an emergency parachute!"
"Get lost or you'll be the next one on fire."
"FLIPPING POTATOES! THIS ONE IS ALSO SUPERIOR TO US ALL!" The giant pig thing ran off as quickly as he possibly could. It wasn't very fast.
Achievement Get!
Scare Every Enemy in the Area Away Without Actually Doing Anything!
A few minutes later…
"Is this the entrance to the next temple?" Link asked Nathan.
"Wait, it's a temple?" Saria questioned. "I thought we were just looking for the mirror…"
"Yeah, we gotta go through another temple in order to get to the mirror. I'm not going to read anymore, or else I might spoil something that happens when we finish," Nathan said, closing the guide and putting it away.
So they all entered the temple.
"A desert temple?" Saria asked. "Huh. I don't think we've ever been in a sand-based temple before…"
"What about the Spirit Temple?" Navi told her.
"That doesn't count, it wasn't sand-based, it was just Egyptian."
"But there's no such thing as Egypt here…"
"What do you expect me to say? Gerudian?"
"Not really, just something like 'ancient'…"
"But that wouldn't completely explain what it's like."
"IT'S QUICKSAND!" Link screamed, jumping backwards.
"I have an idea! Let's roll over, since that's totally safe!"
"It doesn't sound very safe!"
"What about the clawshots?" Navi suggested. "There has to be something around here that we can latch onto to get across…"
"MONSTER!" Saria yelled, shooting a bomb arrow into the sand. The temple was quite ancient, so the explosion caused some of the walls to collapse.
Later, after crossing more quicksand and getting past some stupid skeletons and giant bugs…
"Hey, wait a second…" Link started, "This room looks like the room from the Forest Temple! Look, there are even ghosts stealing the flames!"
"WHAT?! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Saria yelled all of a sudden. The ghosts froze and looked at her. "PUT BACK THE FLAMES OR I'LL CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS!"
"Can't I just light the torches again?" Nathan asked.
"No! It's ghostly fire!"
"NO! NOT THE GHOSTBUSTERS!" the ghosts shouted. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
"Put back the stupid flames already."
"All right all right! JUST NOT THE GHOSTBUSTERS!" The ghosts put the flames back on the torches.
"Wait a sec, how are we able to see the ghosts?" Navi wondered.
"Meh, who cares," Saria said. "We skipped a whole lot of the temple!"
"Doesn't that mean we might have skipped the item we get?"
"No," Nathan told her, closing the guide.
"Didn't you put the strategy guide away?"
"Yeah, but I just needed to check it again. I didn't learn anything that relates to the plot, just to assure you!"
"I'm a silent ninja," Midna randomly stated. "Because I hardly ever talk and no one can see me but you guys."
"Sure…" Saria responded.
So, the team continued on, using the clawshot a lot, pulling a bunch of giant levers that looked like walls, and bombed many enemies (blowing up more of the temple). Soon, they arrived at the mini boss room.
"I already told you, Link, I don't have any scissors!" Nathan yelled. "I understand that your hair is growing over your eyes and you want to cut it but I don't have any scissors! You need to get it professionally cut anyway or else it won't look good, especially when you don't have a mirror!"
"But my bangs keep falling in my face!" Link complained.
"There's nothing I can do about that!"
"Oh hey, it's the mini boss room!" Saria exclaimed.
They entered the room. Inside, it was very dark. In the center of the room, there was a strange-looking sword with ropes tied all over it.
"Are we supposed to cut those?" Link asked.
"Maybe it brings the mini boss out…" Saria said. She cut one of the ropes with her sword. The rest burned away afterwards. "I'm guessing that's a yes?"
The sword began to float. A ghost appeared in front of them.
"Oh, so it's a ghost mini boss," Nathan stated. "Figures."
"WHAT! YOU CAN SEE ME?! THIS IS BLASPHEMY!" the ghost yelled.
"Oh, I remember why we can all see ghosts!" Navi said.
"We have a sixth sense?" Link asked.
"I remember back at Kakariko Village when it was still in twilight. The writer pointed out that we could all see spirits."
"How come I can see them without being a wolf…?"
"Beats me. Probably just laziness at the moment."
"Well fine, then! I'll just have to use my SECRET WEAPON!" the mini boss shouted. He flew over to the wall and pulled a lever. A group of break dancers fell from the ceiling.
"What the heck?" Saria asked.
"Hahahaha! Now it will be a distraction!" the ghost laughed.
"Hey, I saw a new ice cream store outside the temple! And it's really cheap!" Nathan said. All of the break dancers cheered and left.
"Are you serious?! That's not even fair! I need a new secret weapon!"
"If that's your secret weapon, then you must be pretty pathetic," Saria stated. "Seriously? You needed a distraction in order to attack us?"
"I'M SORRY! I never wanted to be a mini boss! I WANTED TO BE A CHEF!"
"Then why are you a mini boss?" Link asked.
"Because it's my family's job!"
"If you really didn't want this job, you could've done something about it."
"I could've?"
Link shot a bomb arrow at the wall, making a hole going outside. "Go! Live your dream!"
"Hey, you stole my bomb arrow idea!" Saria yelled.
"I will!" the not-a-mini boss-any-longer ghost said, flying out the window.
"… Did that seriously just happen?" Navi asked.
The door at the end of the room opened up.
"I feel so proud of myself!" Link stated. "I helped someone in need of help!"
Everyone else was silent.
Link got the Spinner!
"Dafreak is that thing?" Saria asked.
"Well, according to the title, I guess it spins," Link said, wearing the glasses again.
"Okay, SERIOUSLY. How do you keep getting those back?!" Nathan yelled. "How many times have I taken them from you now?!"
"Every time I need to say something that would require more intelligence than I have, I need to wear them."
"I don't even remember you putting those things on!"
"They appear on my face."
"I already told you! I'm in charge of the glasses!" Nathan took the glasses off Link again.
"Why?"
"Because if I don't take them away, then you keep them on and stay smart. I don't like it how I'm supposed to be smarter but you keep on becoming smarter than me!"
"You don't really seem to be very smart," Saria pointed out.
"Hey!"
So, inside the chest, there were two more spinners. They were really big and heavy-looking, but were actually light and magically fit in their pockets because that's how Zelda works.
They ended up using the spinners to move on walls and get to places they wouldn't originally be able to get to. Eventually, they reached the boss door.
"I'm going to stand ALL THE WAY over here," Link said, standing far back. "There's no way the lock will be able to crush me when I'm over here."
Saria unlocked the boss door because they had the key that time. The lock fell to the ground, then a piece of the ceiling broke off and fell down on top of Link.
"GAAAAAAH! THIS ISN'T FAIR!" He was so angry that he lifted up the ceiling chunk and threw it all the way across the room. It crashed into the wall and broke into pieces. "THIS IS ALL GANONDORF'S DOING, ISN'T IT?!"
"No, this temple is just old…" Nathan said.
"SILENCE! IT WAS GANONDORF!"
"Hey, let's go fight the boss before he calms down!" Saria suggested. "It'll make it so much easier!"
Link threw a nearby ceiling chunk at the boss door, breaking both the door and the chunk.
"TAKE THAT, DOOR!" he yelled.
They entered the room. Well, Link decided to stomp in carrying a giant rock.
Standing next to a giant skeleton of some beast was Zant.
"Well, well, well, look who's still alive!" he said.
"IT MUST'VE BEEN YOU! YOU'RE WORKING FOR GANONDORF, AREN'T YOU?!" Link yelled at him. He tossed the boulder at Zant, who barely avoided it.
"What did I do?"
"YOU HAVE BEEN SECRETLY HIDING AND MAKING ME GET CRUSHED EVERY TIME WE OPEN UP A BOSS DOOR!"
"Oh, whatever. Fight the boss!" Zant stuck a sword into the skeleton's head, bringing it to 'life'. "Later!" He disappeared.
"Stupid Zant," Midna mumbled.
"I AM A BOSS!" the skeleton stated.
"YOU'RE ALSO WORKING FOR GANONDORF!" Link shouted. He jumped forward and cut right through the skeleton's spine connecting to the ground. The boss fell forward into the sand.
"Well… That was a bit easy," Saria said.
Or was it?