The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 14: Useless Sages and Scary People
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was boss, Saria went crazy a few times, Navi tried to calm her down, Midna was a silent ninja, Nathan felt insulted, and the chapter was longer than usual.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
The bones of the boss had mostly broken. The head remained, just sitting there.
"Hey, where's our Heart Container?" Saria wondered. "Maybe the boss fight isn't over. Perhaps we should give it a few more stabs…" She pulled out her sword.
"HIYA!" Link yelled, jumping up and doing a down-thrust on the head. The bones shattered.
"Man… You guys skipped an entire second phase!" Nathan stated.
"Did you pull out the guide again?" Navi asked.
"Yeah…"
"Don't take it out anymore or else you might end up spoiling something."
"DIE, EVILDOER!" Link shouted, stabbing the remaining pieces of the head.
"Hey, wasn't it this sword that brought the monster to life?" Saria asked. She took the dark sword out of the head. It blew up and a Heart Container fell onto the ground. "Oh. Okay!"
Saria got a Heart Container!
Later, outside…
"Staircases! My favorite," Link said sarcastically. "You know, I've never liked spiral staircases because they just seem long no matter how you look at them."
"Have you calmed down?" Navi asked.
"Yeah, I think killing that thing helped a bit."
"You're just like Saria…"
"Says the one who randomly snaps for no reason at all."
"Hey! It was a program!"
They finally reached the top. It was a large area, with a large statue in the center.
"All right! Now, all you guys have to do in order to get the mirror to come out is lower that statue!" Midna said.
"How?" Saria asked.
"I don't know, maybe you use that spinner thing on those conviently placed rails."
"Oh. That makes sense." Saria took her spinner and spun up to the top of the statue. She put the spinner into a switch at the top, and spun it around to lower the statue. "I swear, it's as if this was meant for this item!"
"It probably was."
Out of the ground came the mirror.
"OH CRUD, NO!" Midna yelled.
"What?!" everybody asked.
"I dropped my sandwich into the sand! Now it's ruined!" Midna looked over at the mirror. "WHAT?! THE MIRROR'S BROKEN!"
"THIS MUST BE THE WORK OF GANONDORF," Link said.
"Hello there!" a bunch of old spirit guys greeted. "We are the sages that protect the mirror!"
"Oh, now I understand why Zelda said you're all old men," Saria stated. "Why the heck would there be all these sages just to protect the mirror?"
"Because we all suck seperately," one of the sages said.
"Okay now, story time!" another sage told them.
Ganon was an evil man
His goal was to rule the land
We had to chain him to a wall
But it wasn't effective at all
He broke free of his chains with ease
We didn't think that he would kill one of the sages by simply shoving him, but he did, so we had to send him into the Twilight Realm because we had no where else to send him. Then he ended up using Zant to do his evil bidding and regain his power for him.
"What was up with that ending?" Navi asked.
"Wait, why did you send him into the Twilight Realm?! Are you idiots?!" Midna yelled. "People live there for crying out loud! Unless you really are terrible and don't think of us as people! You all suck and I hate you guys!"
"You must really suck if you weren't smart enough to know that chaining him to a wall would be completely stupid," Saria said. "Ganondorf has the Triforce of Power."
"Gasp! She knows!" a sage exclaimed.
"No duh I know! It's obvious!"
"Really, we didn't think so. We didn't realize until after we saw the Triforce mark on his hand…"
"All right, guys, we need to hurry up and get out of here so we can find the shards of the mirror!" Nathan said. "And besides, these guys are pretty annoying, so we should probably leave as quickly as possible…"
"Are we really that bad…?"
"Yes, you are."
Later at Castle Town…
"Weren't my warping skills utterly awesome?" Midna asked. "Now we can go wherever we want whenever we want!"
"Remind me why I had to be a wolf in order to warp?" Link said.
"I dunno, you automatically transformed. But since Zelda gave me her life force, I won't die in light anymore."
"Does that mean everyone can see you, too?"
"Um… I don't know…"
"Whoa, look, a store I've never seen before!" Saria exclaimed, looking at a nearby store. "According to the name of it, I'm guessing that it's some sort of high class rich store… Let's go mess it up and tell them their stuff is too expensive!"
"I am standing in your path!" a random guy said. "You cannot enter Chudley's Fine Goods without getting your shoes shined, because your shoes are filthy!"
"See? It is a high class overly expensive rich store. Any store that says that you need a shoe shine to enter obviously has overpriced stuff."
"Hey! Stop making assumptions about our wonderful store!"
"What makes it so wonderful?"
"The arrows only cost 200 rupees each!"
"See? It is stupid."
Suddenly, a giant blimp with Malo's face on it flew in, "CHUCK! YOUR STORE HAS BEEN BOUGHT! NOW IT IS MALO MART!" (Wrong name on purpose)
"YAAAY!" almost everybody in the town cheered.
There was a woosh inside the store. The guy who was talking to them ran off, and someone else put a poster of Malo on the door. A ton of people crowded into the store.
"Okay, owning a store in a run-down town with hardly anyone living in it is one thing, but buying a store in Castle Town is just ridiculous," Saria stated. "How did he even afford that?!"
There were so many people trying to get into the store that they were piling into the town.
"Huh, Malo must be pretty popular," Link said. "Somehow."
"I wonder what they sell there that's making it so popular…" Saria wondered. "It must be something good if this many people want it. I'm going to go see before it's too late!" Using her rope, she pulled herself up to a window above the store and looked inside. People were buying things like crazy.
"Well?" Navi asked.
"All I see are those common things that we can find all over the place! There are arrows, bombs, potions, and some armor thing that I've never seen before. No one is paying attention to that, though."
"Why in the world would random citizens want things like that?! What are they going to do?! Start a war?!"
"Hold on, guys, I'm going to take a shortcut into the store," Saria stated. She climbed over the windows until she got as close as she could to the desk, then opened that window. Everyone was so occupied in buying things that no one noticed her. She sat in the window. "Hey!" Everyone ignored her. "HEY!"
Everyone in the store froze.
"What's that armor?" Saria pointed to the armor behind the desk.
"Oh, that's just the Magic Armor," the guy behind the desk told her. "But no one actually believes that it's magic, so it's been there for a while now."
"But this store has only been here for a few minutes!"
"I know. A while."
Saria sighed. "All right, what's supposed to be magic about it?"
"I don't know, it's just called that. Do you want it or not? It's only 598 rupees!"
"Nah. We're doing just fine without it. Later!" Saria jumped onto the ground outside. A ton of people who were still trying to get into the store all started to try and barge in through the still-open window. "Let's hurry up and go to wherever we're supposed to go next."
"Back to the bar," Nathan told her.
"Are you kidding? I don't want to go back there…" Link complained.
"Hold it, guys," Navi said. "Where the heck did you and Saria get these Hylian Shields?"
There was a long pause.
"How long have we had these things…?" Link asked.
"I don't think it was written into the story…" Nathan stated.
"Well, I think it went like this…" Saria started.
Flashback time!
(In the Goron Mines)
"Oh, crap!" Link exclaimed. "My shield burned up! Stupid bokoblins…"
"You mean green pig things?" Saria asked.
"Yeah, whatever. We need to get new shields, anyway."
"HELLO!" a strange bird thing jumped out of Link's pocket.
"HOLY CRUD!" they all yelled.
"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!" Link yelled.
"Oh, I'm one of the survivors of the forest temple explosion. I'm Ooccoo!" the bird thing explained. "I saw you passing by while I was lost in here for some reason and decided that you'd be leaving eventually."
"You could've at least gotten my attention!"
"Well, how about this? In return for my behavior, I'll warp you out of the temple to get your new shields! How about it? When you want to warp back, you'll appear right here!"
So, the team ended up using Ooccoo to warp out. A REALLY creepy flying head came out and warped them back to Kakariko Village.
"I'm just being nice," the flying head said. "Normally, you'd be forced to climb all the way back down Death Mountain."
"I think Malo was selling some shields," Saria stated.
Inside Malo Mart…
"WHAT?! 200 RUPEES EACH?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!"
"Don't you know how well-made these things are?" Malo asked. "And along with that, this town is completely abandoned! Don't ask me why that long-haired guy and his daughter were living here, though. Are you going to buy it or not?"
"Isn't there some other way? Even we don't have that much money!"
"Oh yeah, and if you even think about stealing them, I'll go into angry fire mode and destroy you. Beth was lucky…"
Saria sweatdropped. "Is there a way for us to get it any cheaper…?"
"Hmm… I suppose that if you give me a strategy guide, then I'll give them both to you for only 100."
"Done," Nathan said, handing him a guide.
"What?! But that's ours!" Saria yelled.
"I had a spare."
"All right then, shields!" Saria put two purple rupees down on the counter. "It's still a little pricey, but it'll have to do."
Link and Saria got Hylian Shields!
(Note: Nathan had confirmed that he didn't need one since he didn't have a sword.)
"All right, warping time!" the creepy flying head said. They appeared back at the Fire Temple.
Back at the present…
"How did we forget about something like that?" Saria asked.
"It was either removed or the writer flat out forgot that we were supposed to get these," Navi said. "Probably the latter." HEY!
"All right, now let's hurry up and go back to the bar, it's only a few minutes away after all," Nathan told them.
A few minutes later…
"Augh, I really don't want to go back there!" Link stated. "The lady in there kept on winking at me and it was really REALLY creepy! Why are there so many creepy or scary people in this series?!"
"Oh come on, there haven't been that many scary people," Navi said.
"Let's see, in this world, there's Ilia and that's a fact, Beth is scary, Malo has a tendency to kill when he's angry, drug dealers are freaky, I have to say Midna is pretty scary…"
"Don't worry, I'm not offended," Midna told him. "It's my goal." She grinned, sending a chill up all of their spines. Even Saria.
"Eh, anyway, Zant is scary-"
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, you've listed enough characters! I get the idea!" Navi yelled. "There are a lot of scary or creepy characters in this story!"
"Don't forget about Nathan," Saria said, snickering. "I have to say he's pretty creepy."
"That's not very nice…" Nathan stated.
"You know what, Link, I'm going to go in by myself just so you stop complaining."
"I want to go too~"
"SEE?! HE IS CREEPY!"
Suddenly, memories of the first Water Temple came rushing back to Link…
"Has that line been used before somewhere?" Navi wondered. "I wonder where…"
Link twitched, "Oh goddesses…" he muttered, clutching his head.
"Something wrong?" Nathan asked.
"He said he'd be back… I just remembered…"
"Oh, him!" Saria exclaimed. "He was pretty nice, wasn't he?"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"A lot of things are wrong with her," Navi told him. "You know there's no need to ask that question." Saria decided to ignore her since she's well aware that Navi thinks she's crazy.
"What are you guys talking about?" Nathan questioned.
"Oh, we're talking about Dark! We met him in the first water temple we ever went into!" Saria replied, using the nickname that only I had been using up until now.
"Dark?" Navi asked. "Did you give him that name?"
"Well, he is Link's dark side, so I guess."
"He said that he would be back…" Link stated again, shuddering. "Everybody seems to be showing up again in this specific story, so…"
"Link is scared of his own dark side?" Nathan asked. "That guy must be pretty terrible…"
"No duh, he's a complete creep!"
"ALL RIGHT, INTO THE BAR!" Saria yelled, decided that they needed to move on. She marched into the bar. "Oh Din!"
All over the place, workers were cleaning up the silly string that was still there. There had been so much that they were still cleaning it up.
"That's would be a lot of freakin' silly string! Did anybody drown?!"
"Almost," a worker started, "but thankfully everybody evacuated before it was too late. That darned postman was sitting up on a ledge that we don't remember being there, spraying the silly string all over the place. It reached all the way across the whole bar!" That ledge was in fact the ledge that had all of the tightropes going across the ceiling, leading to the golden man's house.
"Wait, where's the lady who's always behind the desk with her incredibly fluffy cat?"
"Oh, she refused to see her bar look like this, so she went to Fat Bo's Deli here in Castle Town if you're looking for her."
"Don't people not like to be bothered while they're eating?" Nathan asked, hanging off the same ledge that the postman had been using. (Don't ask me how he got up there without anyone noticing) Saria sighed.
"Wait a minute, Fat Bo's Deli?! Don't tell me…" Saria started.
"Yes, the Mighty Wrestler Bo has his own deli," the worker said.
"Oh, for Nayru's sake… That guy just won't stop popping up at the most random of moments! Why him?!"
Saria and Nathan left.
"I found you…" the 'worker' spoke, grinning.