USEFUL LIFE INFO: Never leave Saria by herself. Ever.

The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 16: Trolling Navi

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, there was much confusion. Link was freaked out, Saria started a competition as to who could find the Snowpeak boss key first, Navi complicated things, Midna attempted to be surprising, Nathan said he would prove his true awesomeness, and Dark appeared dramatically, ending the chapter in ANOTHER relatively dramatic (and creepy) ending.

Now for Chapter Sixteen, the adventures in the Snowpeak Mansion.

"ALL RIGHT!" Link yelled. "Now, it's time to win this competition!"

"All you have to do is prevent Dark from winning, though," Navi told him.

"Yeah, but if I win, he said he'll leave me alone."

"Honestly, does he really scare you THAT much?" Midna asked. "He's kind of hot."

"Look, it was when that whole 'guy with guy' was first brought to me, and it INVOLVED ME to be exact. It kinda scarred me for life." (Let me remind you that he had the mind of a crazy ten year-old when that happened…)

"Oh, sup dude!" Nathan greeted, standing on a nearby balcony. Well, at least I think there's a balcony there. "And here I thought we all went in different directions!"

An explosion was heard outside.

"MUAHAHAHAHA! DIE, GIANT ICE MONSTER! YOU KNOW YOU BELONG IN HE-" they heard Saria yell. "Huh?! It's not dead?! RELOAD THE CANNON, MY ICE MINIONS!"

"And this is why I need to keep an eye on Saria…" Navi said, sighing.

"Did she just say cannon?" Midna asked.

"I think so…"

"And do you think her insanity has already caused some of the ice monsters in the mansion to bow to her out of fear?"

"Probably."

"Hey, I have a clever and completely cheapskate-like idea!" Nathan stated. He opened up a window leading into the area that Saria was in and jumped out Sheik style.

"He's probably going to follow her, and then steal the key while she's fighting the enemy that's guarding it," Navi stated. "Of course, that's just an assumption based on many previous situations…"

"AH HA HA HA HA!" Saria laughed from outside. "NOTHING WILL EVER STOP ME! FORWARD MARCH, MINIONS!"

"Holy crap. When was the last time she was this crazy?" Link asked.

"Three chapters ago," Navi said.

"No, this THIS crazy. This craziness matches up to her in Chapter 3 of Ocarina of Time."

"Whoa, that's really crazy!"

"I know, right? With her on the loose, I don't think I have to worry that much about Dark winning-"

"WHAT?!" Saria yelled, drawing her sword. "YOU CRUDDY CHEAPSKATE! DARK, GET BACK HERE! I WILL BE THE FIRST TO OPEN THAT DOOR!" Navi flew up to the window and looked at what was happening.

"Hey, this isn't violent competition-" Dark started, but was interrupted by needing to dodge her sword. "GAH! Stop it! I thought you appreciated my existence!"

"She's completely lost it!" Navi stated. "Like, completely!"

While Dark and Saria were 'fighting', Nathan attempted to sneak by, but Saria noticed and covered the door with thick vines.

"Where did those vines even come from?!" he shouted. "This place is covered in snow! I thought your powers controlled plants when they're actually there-" He was cut off by Saria summoning some vines and causing both Nathan AND Dark to dangle from the edge of a nearby balcony by the ankle.

"LATER LOSERS!" Saria yelled, running through the door. The vines disappeared and the two boys dropped from the ceiling.

"Isn't this mansion supposed to be huge? How did we all end up going the same way?" Link wondered.

"You better hurry and get through before those two get up," Navi told him. Link jumped out a window and did an action roll like a boss. While he was running towards the door, though, Nathan grabbed his ankle.

"You aren't going anywhere…" he mumbled, his face still in the snow.

"I am going somewhere," Link said.

"Nope."

At that moment, Nathan burned Link's ankle, causing him to fall down. He didn't actually set it on fire (that would be bad), he just burned it.

"Didn't Dark just say this isn't supposed to be violent competition?!" Link yelled. "You're taking this way too seriously!"

"Yeah, but Dark told me that if you win, I have to call him Lord Dark for the rest of my life. Even though it isn't very much, that isn't really something I want to do. I mean, he said he'll use dark magic to force it on me…"

"That's a bit strange," Navi stated.

"I bet he's just trying to mess things up," Midna said. "If Link wins, he'll have to leave him alone, which doesn't seem like something he wants to do, so he told Nathan that to try and get him to prevent Link from winning."

There was a pause.

"Whoa, didn't see that coming from Midna," Link stated.

"And if Saria wins, then nothing will have changed," Midna added. "Maybe we should all just sit back and wait for her to win…"

"All right, later guys!" Dark randomly said, disappearing into shadows.

"Oh, crap!" Link said.

"What about me?" Nathan asked. "I can win, too."

"Did you see Saria?" Midna questioned him. "She's gone completely mad and is now destroying everything in her path with an army she managed to get within minutes."

"I don't think we can just sit back, though!" Navi said. "Since Dark has the ability to move in shadows, Saria can't attack him and prevent him from passing, right? The only reason she got him this time was because there weren't any shadows to give him access."

"Was that a clever guess or actual information?" Link asked.

"It was pretty much a clever guess. It makes sense though, doesn't it?"

"Whoa, Navi is really good at thinking about things like that!" Nathan stated.

"I'm still in pain thanks to you," Link said, growling.

"You have a fairy, Link," Navi told him.

"I know, you're a fairy."

"No, I mean, you caught a fairy in the last temple and never used it!"

"Oh, right! I should use it now because if I can manage to survive this many things, the chances of me dying are almost nonexistent." Link opened up his bag, took out the bottle and opened it.

"YOU STUPID LITTLE KID, YOU KEPT ME LOCKED UP IN THERE FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG AND THEN YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!" the fairy screamed in a high-pitched voice.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Little kid? I'm seventeen."

"Aren't you the one who said you were twelve at heart?" Midna asked.

"Um, never mind." He looked back at the fairy. "Will you heal me?"

"HECK NO! I'M OUTTA HERE!" She froze when she saw the terrorizing glint in Navi's eye.

"Heal him…" Navi ordered.

"N-no, I'd rather leave!"

"Do it or I'll get the chainsaw…"

O_o

"All right, all right, all right! Goddesses!" the fairy said, whirling around Link's ankle a few times and then flying off.

"What the heck was that?!" Link yelled. "That was terrifying! I thought you were actually going to bring a chainsaw out on her! Heck, she might even call the police on you-"

"Police? Yeah, right. Because a random fairy who doesn't even know us will call the police and they'd actually be able to find us."

"I thought you were always the one who was encouraging us not to be terrible people. I'm pretty sure that you're a terrible person if the police have a reason to be chasing you."

Navi paused. "Um… well, it was for your sake so you have no reason to be against it."

"Eh?"

"Just forget about it! TIME TO GO!"

"Ah ha! Navi isn't all that nice, after all!"

"SHUT UP! WE'RE GOING!"

"Oh crap, is she snapping again?" Midna asked. "Saria isn't here to use the duct tape this time-"

"I-I'm fine! We just need to keep moving and drop the subject!"

"Yeah, by the way that sentence sounds, she might snap soon and actually bring out a chainsaw this time," Link said.

"All right, plan time!" Midna stated. "We all stay together and either prevent Dark from winning, try to win normally, or be complete cheapskates and go with Nathan's plan."

"Wait, how do you know what my plan is?" Nathan asked.

"Because I'm a boss." She whipped off the sunglasses she happened to be wearing. LIKE A BOSS. But don't ask me how she was wearing them with her helmet over one of her eyes.

"Where did those sunglasses come from…?" Link asked.

Midna put the sunglasses back on. "Now we need to hurry, or else Saria might blow something up and prevent us from moving on!"

An explosion was heard nearby.

"… We should probably start moving."

"AH HA HA HA HA!" Saria laughed. "I forgot how fun it was to completely destroy everything in my path! I haven't done this properly in a while!"

"Queen Saria, where are we going?" an ice soldier asked. Holy crap. The team hasn't even been there for an hour yet and Saria has already been made a queen.

"Oh, we're supposed to be looking for a key, but I figured that since this was a dungeon, there would be an item here somewhere. We're looking for the mini boss room!"

"Well, according to information about this mansion, there is an armored enemy in this room…" The soldier took out a map and pointed to a room.

"Isn't that room through that door over there?" Saria pointed to a nearby door.

"Um… yes."

"I can't wait to find out what it is!" Saria ran over to the door and grabbed the knob. The door broke. "Huh?! I thought that only happened to Link!"

"According to the information about this mansion, this is the only door in the whole mansion that wasn't repaired aside from the door that we need the key for."

"YOU BROKE MAH FREAKIN' DOOR!" the armored enemy inside yelled. "YOU WILL PAY!"

"Ha! I have an army, and myself! I'm not scared of you!" Saria drew her sword.

"Well I have a BALL AND CHAIN!" The armored enemy took out said weapon and flung it at Saria. She quickly jumped out of the way as it made a huge hole in the floor.

Meanwhile, as Saria attempted to figure out how to hurt the enemy as she dodged the ball and chain, Nathan hung upside-down outside a nearby window and tried to open it. According to the situation, they had been following Saria, hoping that she would lead them to the key, just as Nathan had planned.

"… It's locked," he said, pulling himself back up to the roof the rest of the team was on.

"Well that sucks," Link stated.

Suddenly, part of the roof broke. They caught a glimpse of the enemy's weapon before it was pulled back into the room.

"You don't seem to be doing anything but completely destroying this room!" Saria told it. "That's my job!"

"Hey, this stupid thing is hard to aim with!" the armored monster said.

"Oh. That solves all of our problems!" Midna exclaimed.

Another hole was made in the roof. And another. The iron bars in the room had been knocked over because of all the times they had been hit, too.

"You're doing a terrible job at being a mini boss," Saria stated. "Your completely destroying your room and not actually accomplishing anything."

"Oh, come on! Aren't you intimidated by me at all?!" the enemy complained. "I'm pretty scary-looking!"

"Meh. I'm pretty sure a giant moon with a face that is going to kill everyone in three days is scarier than you."

"Wait, what?"

"CAUGHT YOU OFF GUARD!" Saria rolled around behind the armored enemy and hacked away at its tail. "I found your weak point, ha ha ha~"

o_O She's getting a little creepy.

"GAH! I have been deadified!" The monster Zelda-vanished. All that was left was his weapon. Saria grinned menacingly.

Saria got the Ball and Chain! We're all screwed!

A horrified look rose on the rest of the team's faces as they slowly looked at one another.

"Wait a minute, isn't there an actual name for a weapon like that?" Navi asked. "I don't think it's just called a 'Ball and Chain'."

"I don't know what it is," Link said, shrugging. "If Navi doesn't know something like that, I doubt any of us do-"

Suddenly, the roof collapsed under them, probably because of all the holes in the ceiling. They crashed down into the room.

When the dust cleared, Saria had jumped up to the wall and had barely avoided them. You know what else happened? Nathan somehow managed to land on top of Link… again.

"Oh, for the love of Nayru!" Link yelled. "How?! We weren't even sitting close to each other! I swear, this is all intentional!"

"It probably is," Midna said.

"WHAT THE?!" Saria shouted. "Were you guys following me?!"

"UM…" they all paused.

"W-what a coincidence…?" Link exclaimed shakily.

"This ball and chain is MINE! You can't have it!" Saria yelled.

"Well, you see, we thought the key was in here…" Navi started. "We figured it would be easier to go on the roof of the building rather than through each and every room-"

"Queen Saria!" an ice soldier said, running into the rooms. "The key is nearby, according to the information about this mansion and the glowing room on the map!"

"Huh? There's a glowing room on the map?" Link asked, taking out his own map. Indeed there was. "That's the same room that the sick yeti told us the key was in!" Wait, that never happened…

Quick Note: Yes, I know I skipped the part with the pumpkin. Deal with it.

"Hey! If the room is still glowing, according to Zelda logic, that means that the key hasn't been taken yet!" Navi exclaimed.

"Block their path, minions!" Saria ordered. A bunch of guards circled around the other four.

"BACK OFF! I have fire!" Nathan threatened, a flame appearing in his hand.

Saria sighed. "Crap. I forgot about that."

Dark suddenly dropped through the broken ceiling. "Hey guys, what's up?" he greeted.

"This is getting bad! MAKE A RUN FOR IT!" Saria and the whole army ran towards the glowing room. "THE KEY IS MINE!"

"Huh? Key?" Dark disappeared into shadows and followed her.

"Oh, crap! We need to stop him at ALL COSTS!" Link yelled.

The dramatic competition got even more dramatic as everybody made their way towards the room as quickly as they could. But their efforts were put to waste when Dark managed to reach the treasure chest in the room first!

He smiled. "It's mine now~" he said.

"NO!" Link shouted, running as fast as he could.

Dark got the… goat cheese…

The was a long pause.

Link suddenly jumped. "NOW'S OUR CHANCE! SEARCH CONTINUED!" he shouted, grabbing Nathan and dragging him off.

"… Cheese. Cheese. Seriously?" Dark asked disbelievingly.

"If you don't want it, I'll take it," Saria stated, not annoyed because she would've lost if it was the key. Dark chucked the cheese at her in annoyance, but she caught it and pulled some crackers out of her pocket.

"Link! Let go of me already! It's getting hard to breathe!" Nathan yelled.

"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to hurry up and get out of there," Link said. "Now, in order for us all to be mostly happy, all we need to do is find the key at the same time and take it out of the treasure chest at the same time, and it'll count as both of us winning so we both get what we want!"

"But Dark didn't say that I wouldn't have to call him Lord Dark if I won. He said I had to if you won. So if we both win, then I'd still have to."

"Well, I guess Plan B will have to be to go violent on Dark until he gives us what he wants…"

"Yeah, I guess that'll work. It always works with Saria."

Link paused. "Where's Navi?"

"I think we left her behind."

"I'm still here," Midna stated. "Don't think you're altwo…"

"Altwo?" they both asked at the same time.

"Well, yeah, there are two of you, and alone means that one person is by himself, so wouldn't altwo mean that there are two people?"

"That doesn't even sound right," Nathan said. "People say alone as in lonesome, not one."

"But what would you say for two people? Alone is referring to one person, so alone together is an oxymoron, but people use it anyway. What would make sense?"

"I honestly don't know…"

They go on and search for the boss room key

Link hopes that he will be finally free

Saria now has a ball and chain

Every foe in the path will be feeling pain

Eventually they come across the room

Hoping that Saria won't cause their doom

But now everybody is gathered there

What the heck are they going to do?

Everybody was silent as they stared at the treasure chest on the other side of the room. A tumbleweed blew across the room.

Everyone prepared to run.

Guess what happened next?

"HEEEEY!" THE POSTMAN.

"WHAT THE HECK?!" everybody yelled.

"HOW DID HE GET IN HERE?! I LOCKED ALL THE DOORS!" Dark shouted.

"Mister Dark! I have seventy-six letters for you!" the postman stated, holding out a FREAKIN' huge bag of letters.

"I'M GOING TO KICK YOU."

He pulled out one of the letters. "This is fan mail!" He pulled out another letter. "This is also fan mail!" Another. "This is also fan mail!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU! IF I HAVE MAIL, JUST GIVE ME THE STUPID BAG!"

"But this is my bag. I cannot just give it to you, but I do not want to dump the letters on the floor as it would be rude."

During this distraction, Navi had snuck over to the treasure chest and was slowly lifting the lid as quietly as she could. When it was open enough, she flew in and it closed. Saria turned her head quickly.

"Did you hear that?" she asked.

"This is also fan mail!" the postman said, taking out yet another letter. Dark had actually attempted to bash the postman on the head with his shield multiple times but the postman completely avoided it every time. "This is also fan mail!"

"HOW MUCH FAN MAIL DO I HAVE?!" Dark yelled.

"I guess you're pretty popular," Nathan said.

All of a sudden, Saria bolted over to the treasure chest and tossed the lid open. Inside she saw Navi holding the key.

"Hi there," Navi greeted, waving. "I won." Saria could almost hear the 'troll' music in the background.

"STUPID!" Saria yelled, flipping the treasure chest.

"Overreaction much?" Link said.

"Well crap…" Dark muttered. "I was really looking forward to it…"

Navi flew up to Dark. "You know, you're just a perv," she stated. "I'll make it my job from now on to protect Link from you. I am his guardian fairy, after all."

"AUGH! I can't believe I lost! I HAD AN ARMY AND EVERYTHING!" Saria complained.

"Hold on, is the loss of a simple game really that bad?" Nathan asked. "I mean, we were only seeing who could get the key first-"

"You don't get it… I made a bet for the game, too, with someone who might have been one of the writer's friends now that I think about it… It seemed almost impossible, so I agreed to it…"

"What was it?"

"If Navi won, then I'd…"