The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 19: Mood Insanity for Everybody
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was 'kidnapped', Saria was basically revealed to love Link, Navi freaked out, Midna added to the very obvious fact that Saria loves Link, Nathan was a derp, and DARK KIDNAPPED LINK, OH CRAP.
NOW FOR CHAPTAH NINETEEN!
Dark groaned. "Feeling better yet?" he asked. "It's been ten minutes."
"Um, yeah…" Link answered. "I just realized it's really dark in here…"
"Oh, I didn't notice. Guess it has to do with me being able to see in the dark?"
Link sighed. "You seriously can't tell the difference?"
"Aww~!" Dark cooed, suddenly hugging Link. "I love your new attitude!"
O_o
"GET OFF!" Link demanded.
"Nope~" Dark replied, slowly trying to take away Link's sword and shield.
"HEY! Didn't I tell them that I forbid creepy romance in my room?!" they heard a voice say from the darkness. The lights suddenly turned on, revealing a Darknut in the center of the room, several yards away from them. Link quickly covered his eyes from the sudden light, but Dark completely flipped out.
"AUGH! MY POOR EYES! IT BUUURNS!" he screamed.
"Exaggeration much?" Link said.
"I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!"
"I'm pretty sure you don't die in light."
"Well excuse me for being extra sensitive to it!"
"WOULD YOU GUYS SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME?!" the Darknut yelled, getting fed up.
"I would, so I can brag about it to the rest of my team later, but can you wait until my eyes adjust, first?" Link asked.
"Stupid humans and their weak eyes! Can't they hurry up and evolve eyes that don't need to adjust?! Goddesses! Seriously! It's just so obnoxious, how EVERY human I've ever fought has always had this stupid problem and-"
"Ah, there we go." While the Darknut was ranting, Link quickly rolled over and stabbed him in the back.
"AUGH! That's not even fair! I was ranting!"
"Shut up. I'm the hero." Link flipped his hair out of his face. "I can't believe I still forgot to cut my stupid hair…"
"OH COME ON!" Dark yelled. "You're not uke enough!"
"W-WHAT?!" This phrase caused Link to barely be able to dodge a swing from the Darknut.
"You foolish humans!" the Darknut shouted. "I told you I forbid any speak of that in my chamber!"
"Oh, shut up," Dark said, suddenly appearing behind the Darknut and giving him a quick stab. The Darknut screeched, fell to his knees, and was defeated. "There! Much better! Now, anyway…" He began walking towards Link again, who shook as he got closer. "I'll get to what I wasn't able to since I lost that competition…"
"N-No!" Link stammered, obviously not one who would take out his sword in this situation.
"Ah, see, that behavior is much better than your hero attitude." Dark suddenly disappeared and appeared right behind Link. "My little Link~"
Link shivered as he felt Dark's hands slowly touch him. "Y-You can't do this! It's wrong in so many ways it's ridiculous! I swear, Saria's going to burst in here any second and kick your-"
It was at that moment when the creepy bird Ooccoo literally burst through the wall, leaving a large hole. "FINALLY! I have escaped from the terrible crowds!" it exclaimed. "I thought I would never make it out of there!"
"Oh, for the love of Nayru!" Dark yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "Can't the fangirls get what they want already?!"
"At least I'm getting what I want!" Link said, quickly jumping away. "Bird thing, if you are capable of breaking down walls, obviously you are able to save my innocence from him!"
"Don't you have a sword?" Ooccoo asked.
Link suddenly felt like a complete idiot. "Oh, right." He reached for his sword, but it wasn't there.
"You mean this sword?" Dark asked, holding up Link's sword, shield and his item pouch. "I already took it, smart one. Can't you feel the difference in weight, especially after you've been wearing it for so long?"
"Are you kidding me?! Now I definitely need one of these walls to suddenly blow up from one of Saria's bomb arrows!"
"Come on, guys!" they suddenly heard Navi's voice say, "We got the map of this place, so the mini boss room is in this direction!"
"How do you even know that they're going to be here?" Saria asked, sounding like she was running.
"Where else would they be? All of the other rooms in this entire temple are all stores, and there's no way they would hide in the boss room. I bet they either already beat the mini boss or he wasn't there in the first place!"
"Oh, crap…" Dark mumbled, "this isn't even fair. I haven't even had a chance to kiss you yet."
"You are so messed up!" Link yelled.
"But there are so many people that support us paired up together! Do you know what kind of fanfics people write about us?"
"I'd rather not know!" Link suddenly raised his voice, "HEY, GUYS! HURRY UP AND GET OVER HERE BEFORE HE WARPS AWAY OR WHATEVER!"
"It's Link!" Saria exclaimed, running into the room. "Goddesses! I was freakin' worried, dang it! I thought we would never find you!"
"It's only been fifteen minutes," Nathan said, catching up.
"Shut up! You and your stopwatch!"
"What…?"
"The poor, poor fangirls…" Dark said, sighing.
"LINK!" Saria shouted, sprinting over to him and shoving Dark aside in the process. She hugged him, causing him to blush. "… He better not have done anything."
"Well, other than scaring me a few times by being perverted, that's pretty much it. He also took all my stuff," Link told her.
"HE DID WHAT?!" Saria quickly spun around and glared at him, making him jump. "YOU TROLL!"
"I can't believe we trusted you," Navi said. "No, I can't believe I told Link he could trust me to protect him! This is all my fault!"
Dark instantly threw all of Link's items on the ground and kicked them towards Saria, knowing that keeping hold of them was completely pointless since she was still armed, and had her powers on top of that.
She grinned. "Good thing you've got some of Link's knowledge as well," she said.
Suddenly, another wall broke down. Guess who ran in? Not the postman. A bunch of monkeys carrying a throne with Gareth on it.
"DAG NABBIT!" one of them yelled. "Why do we gotta carry this throne for such a long time?!"
"SPY!" all of the other monkeys exclaimed.
"None of our monkeys talks like that! DISPOSE OF HIM AT ONCE!" Gareth ordered. The throne crashed onto the ground, breaking some of the floor as the monkeys ran over to the faker.
"Wow, what wonderful timing…" Saria muttered. "This time, I'm not keeping my sword sheathed." She drew her four-feet sword and eyed Gareth. "I'm surprised you get anything done at all with all of these guys working for you."
The spy monkey had been tied up and thrown out one of the windows, shattering it.
"That sure was a close one!" one of them, obviously Tijo, exclaimed.
"Is there even anything outside these windows?" Nathan wondered. "It looks like infinite space to me…"
"Now, back to what I have ordered you to do!" Gareth said. "Locate the Dominion Rod immediately!"
"Oh, you mean that thing that I already have?" Saria asked. "Too late."
"DANG IT! Why must you stand in my path for everything?!"
"Because you exist. It kind of happens automatically."
"Ah, crap!" Navi cursed. "Dark got away already! I really need to keep a better eye on him!"
"At least I'm still here," Link said.
"Later guys!" they heard Dark say.
Link groaned. "Augh! Can't he just leave us alone?!"
Gareth hemmed to get their attention again.
"Oh, so you want our attention?" Saria asked, grinning. "I have a sword."
"I have an army of monkeys and a back-up cannon!" Gareth told them.
"Sir, we don't have a back-up cannon," a monkey told him.
"Are you serious?! I could've sworn I ordered you all to get the cannon seven times before we left!"
"No, you ordered us to make sure we brought lunch since we wouldn't be stopping anywhere on the way here."
"Curses! I'm so bad at being ominously evil!"
"There's nothing ominous about talking like that, either," Nathan told him. "I mean, Dark is scarier than you just by being himself. And seriously? Monkeys? Deku Babas are more threatening than that!"
"Can we leave now?" Saria asked. "I'm getting pretty bored, so let's hurry up and find the boss room."
"I swear, I shall make it my life goal to get in YOUR way!" Gareth insisted.
"Sir, you made that your life goal a week ago," a monkey told him.
"SILENCE! SOLDIERS, WE BE OFF!" The monkeys picked up the throne again and marched out one of the holes in the wall.
"What an idiot," Saria stated. "I think my presence is more threatening then him in general. What was even the point of him showing up?"
"Why do you always think there's a story-importance related reason for everything?" Navi asked her.
"Because if there are stupid unimportant things put in, it just wastes so much time! There might as well be a detailed description of how we completely demolished a temple for absolutely no reason, heck, there could even be more romance!"
"Like… this?" Link said, leaning forward and kissing her ear. Saria turned a bright shade of red.
"H-hey!" she stammered, "You can't just go doing that whenever!"
"But you said it's better than the useless filler."
"AW, DUDE!" Nathan yelled, obviously not pleased.
"So, should we go complete the temple now…?" Navi said.
"Y-yeah…" Saria answered, still red.
Navi grinned. "Looks like you aren't completely insane."
Nathan grabbed the collar of Link's tunic and dragged him several meters over. "What was that?!" he demanded.
"An ear chu," Link answered.
"No, no! Why?!"
"Because Saria said we might as well have more romance…? I mean, I figured she liked me after she kissed me the first time…"
"Huh. I guess you aren't so thick-headed…"
"What was that?"
"NOTHING!" Nathan turned Link around and shoved him away, but ended up pushing him a bit too forcefully, making him end up on the ground instead. Link did not look very happy as he stood up. "… Sorry."
"Navi, I still haven't figured out how to use this thing," Saria stated, holding up the Dominion Rod. "All that happens is a glowing ball shoots out of it, and comes back. Couldn't they have included an instruction manuel or something?"
"Don't we technically have an instruction manuel for this entire adventure?" Navi said. "Except it screws up sometimes."
"Oh, I guess I forgot about it since we were so caught up in that whole thing…"
"Try it on that statue up there," Nathan said, pointing to a statue on a high-up ledge.
"But that one's not alive."
"You can only possess the ones that aren't alive."
"Eh? Not only I can only possess one at a time, but also ones that aren't alive?! That's not even fair! The majority of these statues are alive!"
"Hey, guys…" Link started, "Midna's still here, right?"
Everybody paused.
"Oh, I'm here," she answered, coming out of Link's shadow. "I figured out how to read while in his shadow, so I've just kinda been ignoring everyone this whole time. But then again, it hasn't even been a half hour."
"THE MINI BOSS HAS BEEN DEFEATED!" a loud voice stated. The room transformed into another store.
"Oh, Nayru!" Navi said, groaning. "Of all stores this could possibly turn into, it turned into a stupid McDonalds!"
"Won't people ever realize it makes people fat?" Link wondered with a sigh. "There are so many better places to eat, too."
"Let's get out of here before they think we're customers!" Navi lead everybody else out of the store as quite a few statues barged in through both the entrance and the holes in the wall. "Okay, that's just ridiculous! It's just McDonalds!"
"So, according to the map, the boss room is right around here…" Nathan said, pointing to a certain room on the map.
"Wait, don't tell me what the boss is!" Saria told him, holding her hand up. "I want to find out myself!"
"When have I ever told you what the boss is…?"
"Um, you haven't. I just thought you were going to…"
"Did I throw your mind off?" Link asked, smiling.
"Link, you're acting weird!" Navi told him, flying up to his face. "Almost like Dark! All right, WHAT HAPPENED?"
Link shrugged. "He didn't have a chance to do anything. All he did was talk, put his hands on my waist and then that bird-thing broke through the wall."
"The bird-thing that's STILL HERE!" Ooccoo shouted angrily. "I have a name, for Nayru's sake! My name is Ooccae!"
"I thought it was Ooccoo," Navi stated.
"We all look the same. It's unfortunate, really."
"Come to think of it, the majority of Gorons and Zoras look the same, too…" Nathan spoke. "Man, couldn't Farore have been at least a bit more creative?"
"It's even worse in our Hyrule," Saria told him. "Every Goron looks identical except for the leader, and it's the same for the Zoras, save the king and Ruto. I'm pretty sure Farore's creativity lead to me having green hair, too." She pointed to her head.
"Guys! Isn't insulting the goddess of life a bad idea?!" Navi yelled at them. "It's thanks to her you're alive in the first place!"
A long, long, time ago, in the heavens far away…
"This work is so frustratingly hard!" Farore exclaimed. "Taking care of every life in the universe is ridiculous, and I haven't even gotten to the races yet! You guys got such easy jobs!"
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to form the law?" Nayru asked her, "Not just the law you think of when you think of the law! Laws of physics and gravity!"
Well, obviously Nayru did not do a very good job, considering how easy it is to defy gravity in Zelda games.
"All Din has been doing this whole time is sitting around doing nothing!" Farore complained. "Can't she help for once?"
"Hey, I made the actual planets!" Din told them, sitting on a nearby chair.
"You still didn't work as much as us."
"All right then, I'll make myself useful just to get you guys to shut up! What do I do?"
"You can be in charge of the designs of each person in the races in Hyrule. I already have a basic design of them, so you just need to work off that!"
A while later…
"This is taking too long!" Din complained, throwing sheets of paper all over the place. "I'll just use the basic design for each person then!"
Another while later…
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Farore screamed at Din. "I can't believe you made them all look the same, and now it's too late to fix it… GAH! YOU JUST MESSED UP ETERNITY, YOU KNOW! I swear, the citizens of the universe are going to blame this on me someday!"
So, in the end, it was all Din's fault. With the remaining people that she hadn't put yet, Farore made them the important characters that look different. And, this is the story that happened in heavens of Ocarina of Time…
What happened in Twilight Princess, then…?
BACK IN THE TEMPLE OF TIME…
"You guys should just shut up before something goes terribly wrong!" Navi told the team.
"I've been in the same room for this entire chapter," Link randomly stated. "At least it wasn't me waiting for you guys while Dark… ugh."
"I'm just going to leave now and go find the boss room," Saria said. "I feel like we've been here long enough. Come on, Link!" She grabbed the sleeve of Link's tunic and dragged him out a hole in the wall.
Navi sighed. "Poor Saria will never be alone with him as long as Midna is here…" she spoke, following along behind them.
"Wait, don't you need to get this statue…?" Nathan asked them.
"Ah, here we go!" Saria exclaimed. "I found the room that has the boss door in it!"
"So fast?" Link asked her. "It's only been five minutes, and I think you skipped part of the strategy guide."
"It doesn't really matter, now does it?" Saria opened up the door. Inside the room not another store, but in fact a very ancient looking room with swinging blades over seemingly bottomless chasms. "Gee, that looks so safe to jump across."
Link thought for a moment. "Can you control the blades with that rod?"
"How did you come to that? It doesn't even make sense."
"Just try it, it would be hilarious!"
Saria decided that it probably would and took out the Dominion Rod. She tossed the glowing ball at the blade, and a green spark when through the blade and it stopped. (Note: This doesn't actually work in the game, I'm just having fun)
"Did it work?" Saria wondered. She swung the rod, driving the blade forcefully into the ceiling, shattering a few bricks. Several monsters that were in the room jumped and stared at the blade that was stuck in the ceiling. Saria grinned menacingly as she held up the rod again. "Who wants some?"
"Okay, so all of the enemies are cowering a corner…" Link said, "so how is controlling those things actually helpful?"
Saria ignored him and swung the rod again, throwing the blade into the ceiling on the opposite side. Quite a bit of the ceiling collapsed.
"Um, Saria…"
She continued to repeat this process several more times, ignoring Link's attempts to stop her before she caused the ceiling to completely fall down on them. Fed up with being constantly ignored, Link kissed the tip of Saria's ear again to get her back to reality. She jumped, and the blade she was controlling continued its original swinging pattern.
"H-hey! Why do you keep doing that?!" Saria yelled at him, turning bright red again.
"It got your attention," Link said, grinning.
"… You could've at least been a bit more creative."
"I think if I thought about it too much, it would already be too late and this whole room would be in more ruin than it already is."
"Wait… where are Navi and Nathan? Did we rush too far ahead…?"
Meanwhile with those two…
"Navi, hurry up!" Nathan yelled. "What if the other three are already at the boss room? We've been in this store long enough!"
"Well sorry, I needed to get a few things!" Navi told him, flying out of the store.
"What would you possibly need to get at Barnes and Noble?"
"I have my reasons!"
Back with Link, Saria and Midna…
"Oh right, Midna's here," Saria muttered.
"Aw, do I always ruin your little alone times?" Midna asked, smirking.
"What's with that book your holding?"
"Oh, I'm just writing a romance fanfic about you two."
"A-already?!"
"Aren't fanfics supposed to be written on computers?" Link asked.
"Not necessarily. It's fiction written by a fan, therefore it is fanfiction," Midna said. "Now, onward to the boss room!"
Link pointed forwards. "Saria, activate thy professional lock-picking awesomeness!" He paused. "Wow. Haven't said something like that in a long time."
"Indeed…" Saria spoke. "Wait, even after that strange behavior? This is starting to get really confusing."
"Maybe he was infected by a different kind of moss!" Midna suggested. "Like… green moss!"
"Midna, moss is normally green."
"Well sorry, it's yellow in the Twilight world. Then again, it might not actually be moss, considering the fact that we all live on a giant floating platform with the palace on it, and besides that, there's nothing but endless space…"
"How do you even live without anywhere to get food? And if there are no plants, then how do you breathe? Unless you don't need to breathe…"
"That explains why Zant is able to wear that helmet," Link said.
"Guys, I breathe. How have you not noticed?" Midna spoke, sighing.
"What do you breathe if you don't breathe oxygen?" Saria questioned her. "I don't see any way for it to get into the Twilight world."
"Look, I don't know! You're looking way too deep into this complicated subject that was never explained in the game. Now, open the door!"
Once the lock was on the floor, and not crushing Link for the whateverth time…
"How did that happen?" he wondered. "I was standing right here, too!"
Suddenly, the door on the other side of the room opened. Navi and Nathan entered, and Nate did not look very pleased.
"Do you know what I had to wait for in order to get here?!" he shouted.
"We weren't even gone for twenty minutes!" Navi told him.
"Too long! Find a better time to go shopping for random crap!"
"Hey, guys!" Saria called, and took out her Dominion Rod again. "Check this out!" She swung it towards a blade again, taking control of it.
"What are you doing?" Navi asked. She and Nate jumped when the blade forcefully swung into the ceiling again.
"Saria…" Link said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Don't get sidetracked again…"
"This is more amusing than you think," Saria stated.
"I just wish we could hurry up and get out of this stupid temple," Nathan said.
Saria sighed. "All right, fine." She put the rod away and went into the boss room. Everyone else soon followed.
"… It's really dark in here," Link stated.
"Yeah, we can tell," Nate muttered.
"G-guys…" Navi started, "there's something on the ceiling…"