The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 20: Things are Getting Annoying

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link kept switching personalities, Saria found breaking a ceiling addicting, Navi went shopping, Midna was writing a fanfic, Nathan did not like the whole "SaLink" thing, and Dark disappeared again. Now they're at the boss room.

Now for Chapter Twenty.

"G-guys…" Navi started, "there's something on the ceiling…"

Everybody else looked up at the same time.

On the ceiling was a glowing giant eyeball.

"Where have I seen that again?" Link wondered. "I can't really remember, but I know it happened…"

"Who cares!" Saria said, taking out her bow. "SHOOT IT DOWN!"

A small amount of light shone into the room, revealing what the eye was connected to… a giant spider.

"EEK!" Saria screamed, jumping backwards. "That's a r-really big spider!"

"PLAN SET!" Link stated, taking out his bow. "I'll shoot it off the ceiling and think of something from there!"

"Are you kidding me?!"

Link fired an arrow at the spider's giant eye, causing the spider to fall onto the ground.

"Hey, look!" he immediately exclaimed, pointing to a statue. "That thing has a giant fist!"

Saria realized what he was talking about and grinned. She took control of the statue with the Dominion Rod, and smashed the giant spider with the fist. When it crawled back up to the ceiling, she did not look amused.

"Come ON," she complained. "How did it not die from that? That doesn't even make sense!"

"Well, it is called Armo Gohma…" Nathan stated, holding the guide. "It's got armor for some reason."

"What kind of giant spider has armor?!"

"This one."

Saria groaned in frustration. She really didn't like giant spiders. "All right then, Plan Insta-death set! CONSTANTLY shoot arrows at it, then repeatedly crush it with the fist!"

Suddenly, the spider's giant eye spontaneously combusted. Everybody looked at Nathan.

"Okay, that was me," he said. "Did you even remember that I can do that?"

The spider fell down to the ground one again, and Saria took this chance to completely beat the crap out of it by using the giant statue's fist as she yelled "DIE" over and over. Thankfully, it was defeated and Zelda-ploded (the way enemies die in Zelda), since nobody likes gigantic spiders.

"Okay! GOOD!" Saria exclaimed with a sigh, but the eyeball was still alive. And it was a spider that had the eye for a body. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU!" She swung the Dominion Rod again, crushing the eye and tossing out a Heart Container. "THERE!"

"Finally, we can get out of this stupid temple!" Nathan stated, relieved.

"I am going to forever remember this temple as the place where Dark almost did what I never wanted to happen…" Link said, shuddering.

"Look, there's the mirror shard!" Midna exclaimed, floating over to the piece. "Maybe this is what gave that giant spider armor."

"Or perhaps that eyeball spider was the actual spider, and the giant one was just some creation," Navi suggested. "That would explain why it didn't die after being crushed once…"

"OUT OF THE TEMPLE!" Link shouted, running onto the portal Midna created. "NOW!"

And they finally warped out of the temple. After being constantly rushed by Link to get out of the temple rather than in, they returned to the present through the door in spite of Nathans attempts find out how to get outside without going forward in time again.

"I have a good reason!" Nate complained as he was dragged through the door. "So why can't I try and get out of the temple?!"

"Don't screw up the past!" Saria told him. "If you tried to break a window to get outside, you don't know what might happen!"

A few minutes later, Ooccoo… or Ooccae approached them.

"Which one are you…?" Link asked it.

"Ooccae, the one from earlier," the bird-thing responded. "So, you know that Dominion Rod you have? See, funny story, it doesn't actually work anymore. It died since you've gone forward in time."

"EH?! Are you kidding?!" Saria yelled. "I spent fifty rupees on this thing and hardly used it!"

"You need to find the statue that makes the rod work again! I'll see you at the next temple!" Ooccae flew away.

"Wait, it can fly?" Link wondered. "It looked like a flightless bird to me…"

"How the heck are we supposed to revive it?" Saria asked. "NATHAN! Strategy guide!"

"We need to…" Nathan started, but then paused. "regain Ilia's memory…?"

"Seriously? How is that relevant to anything?"

"Give me that!" Midna ordered, taking the strategy guide. She looked at it for a few seconds, then warped them to Kakariko Village.

"What are we doing here?" Link asked.

"You need to talk to the guy inside that house," she answered, pointing to the house the children had been hiding in however many chapters ago.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Which guy…? The long-haired one?"

"Yeah. He's supposed to give you a letter."

"HEEEEEY!" Suddenly, the postman ran up to them. "You know that giving letters is my job, so I shall give the letter to you instead! DA DA DA DA DAA! HAHAHA!" After being a weirdo as usual, the postman left.

Link got Renado's Letter!

"Remind me why we're doing this…?" Link said.

"Because you can't just leave a young maiden with amnesia alone," Nathan told him.

"And here I thought you were obsessed with Saria."

Nate spat out his random drink. "Shut up!"

"So you aren't obsessed with me?" Saria asked. "I was convinced you were…"

"Guys, just read the dang letter," Navi told them. Saria took the letter from Link, skimmed through it and tossed it behind her.

"LITTERER!" someone shouted as two Gorons wearing police hats marched up and took Saria away.

"GODDESSES WHY?!" she screamed.

An hour later…

Saria came up to the team that was sitting there playing cards. "Geez, that took forever! I thought I would never get out of there!"

"You were supposed to keep it!" Nathan told her, holding up the letter she tossed. "It's not for us, it's for that lady at the bar!"

Saria twitched. "YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME! Then I wouldn't have gone through all that crap!"

"I didn't have a chance to!"

Saria turned to Midna. "Hurry up and warp us to Castle Town before all the Gorons realize I'm not in the prison anymore!"

"Wait, you escaped?" everyone asked.

"Well, they were stupid enough not to disarm me and I blew up the wall of the cell…"

"Why the heck were you in prison over a stupid letter?" Link asked.

"Somehow, the entire court came to the conclusion that I blew up that building up there." Saria pointed to the building that blew up back in Chapter 6. "And I ended up being guilty for it."

"You were the one who was constantly yelling 'BLOW IT UP' over and over," Navi told her.

"But I wasn't even inside it the entire time! It was Link!"

"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Link asked. "It was that stupid bug that set everything on fire."

"How did they even get any evidence if this all happened in twilight where no one can see us? This just doesn't make sense…" Navi said.

"It was the owner of the bomb shop!" Midna stated. "He's the one who filled that house with illegal explosives and put FIRE in there!"

"But doesn't Barney own that building?"

"Oh Nayru, they're coming!" Saria exclaimed. "Midna, warp! NOW!"

"Oh, whatever," Midna replied, warping them all to the bridge in front of Castle Town.

"Oh, hello there, you handsome young men!" Telma exclaimed, eyeing Link and Nate as the team walked into the bar.

"Take this stupid letter," Saria said, giving her the letter. "Tell us what to do next or I'll get angry."

"I don't know, go to the doctor's office with this thing?" Telma handed her another piece of paper.

Saria got the Invoice!

"Why do I need this thing?" Saria asked.

"We're trying to restore Ilia's memory and the Dominion Rod," Nathan told her. "Somehow they're connected…"

"And how does giving this thing to anyone relate to either of those?"

"Because shut up, that's why!" Navi yelled at her. "I think we should go with what we're supposed to do and that'll lead up to something eventually!"

"All right, fine…"

"What do you rotten kids want?" the old man asked angrily.

"Apparently giving this to you is going to accomplish something," Saria said, giving him the Invoice. "Now tell us what to do next!"

"I lost my reading glasses, I can't read this darn thing!"

"You have two pairs of glasses?" Navi asked.

"No! Why would you think that?"

"Because you're wearing glasses right now."

"I knew that already! Darn kids…"

"You know what? Screw this," Saria said. "Nate, get out the strategy guide. I think it will be more effective than wandering around and talking to people."

He sighed and took out the guide. "Somehow there's a wooden statue that relates to all of this. Some medicine from this place was spilled on it, and we have to hunt it down…"

"Where does it LEAD us?"

"Then we end up in a place called the Hidden Village, which completely abandoned except for a crazy cat lady that lives there with more than 20 cats. Then she gives us this flute that you can call Epona with, and it somehow brings back Ilia's memory…"

Saria nodded. "All right then! Navi, get the helicopter!"

"AGAIN?!" Navi yelled. "We have got to stop using that thing!"

"Navi, we're at chapter twenty for Nayru's sake, and we haven't even gotten to the last mirror shard's temple yet! We need to pick up the pace!"

"How is using the helicopter going to pick up the pace? It's no different than a scene transition."

"Yeah, but we don't need to walk when we use the helicopter, and when we do use it, it seems like we're actually doing something rather than just saying 'later at whatever'."

"All right, fine then!"

They walked outside and a ladder dropped down.

"See? That was no different that a scene transition!" Navi told Saria.

"So what?" Saria asked. "I still don't have to walk."

"You have a leaf board for crying out loud!"

"Hey, I'm not that selfish. Link and Nate don't need to walk, either, if we take the helicopter."

"Hey, I just noticed!" Link stated, "This place has awesome background music!"

"That's because it's overrun by green pig things," Nathan told him.

"Okay, I'm getting sick of that," Saria said. "The whole 'green pig things' thing."

"So we should just start calling them what they're actually called?"

"Nope, we don't say anything and shoot them down." She took out her bow and shot a few Bokoblins. Yeah, I've had just about enough of it, too.

So, they continued to shoot the monsters that were scattered around the wrecked village as the awesome music played in the background. Not much else happened besides that, but it was still pretty cool.

"All right, I think that's all of them!" Saria stated. "Now what do we do?"

Suddenly, an army of cats burst out of the only house with a door. They swarmed around the team, meowing like crazy.

"Oh, I was wondering where all the cats were," Link said. He knelt down on the ground, and many cats started crawling all over his lap. "Aww…"

"I don't think I've ever seen this many cats in one place…" Saria spoke. "There are so maanny…"

An old lady stepped out of the house. "Hello, are you those people the magical talking bird told me about?" she asked.

"Kevina?" Link said, "I didn't know she was a messenger bird…"

"No, it was a little rainbow bird, not that golden cucco."

"You know who Kevina is?" Navi asked.

"Why, of course I do! Even this crazy cat lady in the middle of no where knows about that cucco!"

Navi raised an eyebrow. "So Kevina's famous…?"

"Anyway! That little bird told me that you were coming, and to do nothing but give you this flute that would somehow trigger Ilia's memory!"

Link got the Horse Call!

"If this thing is in the middle of no where…" Saria started, "how does it relate to Ilia?"

The old lady said nothing and walked back inside.

Saria turned to the team, sighing. "Okay, so apparently she really isn't going to do anything but give us this thing… Link! We're leaving!"

"What about me?" Nathan asked. "Can't you at least say 'guys'?"

"No. MIDNA! Warp us to Kakariko Village!"

"Give me a cookie," Midna told her. "Then I'll warp you."

Saria paused. "… What…? Why?"

"I want a COOKIE!"

"But we don't have any stupid cookies!"

"I HAVE AN IDEA," Nathan stated. He took that cookie dough left over from Chapter 15 (it was obviously still good), put some in his hand, and put his other hand on top of it. It glowed between them and when he moved his hand, there was a COOKIE.

"OH MY DIN!" Midna exclaimed. "Nathan is a portable oven!"

He anime fell.

"Hold on a second, why didn't you do that back in Chapter 15?" Saria asked him.

"I figured it out in a scene transition," he replied, standing up again. "It's really hard to make temperature go that hot, you know."

"We break the fourth wall so much," Navi stated.

"Okay, so not only are you able to cook things with your hands…" Midna started, "but you're also able to cook things completely within seconds, without using electricity either?! That would be so convenient we would never need to buy cooked food! Unless it needs to be the size of his hand…"

"That doesn't mean his hands are clean!" Link said.

Everyone else paused.

"So is it safe to eat…?" Midna asked, eyeing the cookie in Nathan's hand.

"Oh, come on!" he yelled.

"When was the last time he washed his hands?" Navi wondered.

"Hey! Do I look like someone who wouldn't wash their hands? Just look at my beautiful hair! Doesn't that tell you I don't like being filthy?"

"But logic would say that you wouldn't be able to use fire powers when your hands weren't dry," Link stated, wearing the glasses for the first time in a while. "So I figured you would wash your hands as scarcely as possible…"

"Where the heck did that theory come from? Sure, my powers don't work well when my hands are wet, but that doesn't mean I don't wash my hands!" Nathan gave the cookie to Midna. "Now warp us to Kakariko Village so this conversation can end!"

"Fine, fine," she answered, warping them to Kakariko. The team entered the house where Ilia was always standing there doing nothing.

"Oh, it's you guys again," she stated.

"Um, were we supposed to do something besides go straight to the hidden village?" Link wondered. "I feel like we missed something…"

"You mean that wooden statue thing that we completely skipped?" Nathan reminded him.

"Oh, right…" Link nodded. He walked over to Ilia and gave her the Horse Call, but ended up getting a more violent reaction than he expected.

Ilia clutched her head. "OH GODDESSES! THE REALIZATION BUURNS!" she screamed.

"NO!" Saria yelled, realizing that Ilia would remember her strange hobbies. "NOT THE PONIES!" Nate blinked.

"I think I heard her!" they heard a Goron say. "She's in this building!"

Saria remembered that she was technically a criminal. "Oh, crap! Make something up!" She jumped down the hole leading to the basement as several Gorons marched into the building.

"But the elder is right here…" Link stated, eyeing the Goron Elder standing near Ilia.

"My diet consists mostly of hummus, raw potatoes, and green rocks! DER GOOD FOR YA!" the Goron Elder said.

"Never mind…"

"The Goron who's supposed to be the actual leader is supposed to be right over there!" Nathan said, looking around for said Goron. "Where the heck is he…?"

"He went to fetch my hummus," the Goron Elder told him. "He won't be back for about four and a half hours."

"Where's the girl?!" a Goron cop demanded. "She broke out of prison, therefore she MUST BE PUNISHED!"

"Sir, she was going to be punished anyway," another Goron told him.

"She will be MORE punished! So where is she?!"

"She's in the basement," Navi said flatly.

"NAVI!" Saria screamed, climbing out of the hole. "YOU TRAITOR! We've been through so many adventures, but then you just betray me?!"

"This is all a set up!" Nathan said. "Don't listen to them! While this conversation happens, the real culprit is escaping the village! This is all irrelavent to the actual case!"

"Wow! This guy really sounds like he knows what he's talking about!" a Goron exclaimed. "Quickly, we must catch the evil one!" The Gorons all marched out of the building.

Everybody stared.

"All right, I'm okay now!" Ilia stated. "I have no idea what just happened, but whoever is the one who's lying here definitely gets points taken off honesty!"

"Oh my Din…" Saria grumbled. "Can't you just drop that already? Your life will be so much easier."

"But if I stop keeping track, I'll stop realizing what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be, and I might become a terrible person!"

"Oh, come on! What kind of excuse is that? Aren't you like, sixteen or something?"

Ilia paused and thought for a minute. "Maybe you're right…"

"I am right!"

"I should just start being myself rather than keeping track of all these things people do… It would be a nice change, especially since I've been doing it since I was seven."

"Sweet Nayru, that's a long time!" Link exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, this horse call! I was going to give it to you, but I forgot. I left it at the Hidden Village with that old lady, but then I lost my memory…"

"Wait, you lost your memory after you woke up?!" Saria asked, surprised.

"Yeah, I was always telling that old lady that Link would come and help me!"

"The old lady didn't say anything about you being there! She said a rainbow bird told her about us!" Link told her.

"Oh, yeah, she has problems with remembering things. She forgets things and replacing them with other things that didn't happen. She can't even remember all of her cats' real names. Then again, there are almost thirty of them."

"What are we supposed to do now, anyway?" Navi wondered.

"You're still a traitor!" Saria told her.

"POINTS FOR HONESTY, though!" Ilia exclaimed, then stopped when Saria gave her a look. "I mean, at least the Gorons are gone now…?"

"HEEEEEY!" Suddenly, the Postman broke down the front doors of the building. "Mr. Link, I have a package for you!" He handed a package to Link, and left, laughing for whatever reason.

Link practically tore the box open and pulled out an old-looking book. "What the heck is this thing?" he wondered, opening it. "Huh, it's all in some old form of Hylian that I've never seen before."

"Go give it to Shad," Renado told him, who had been standing there this entire time. "He lives in the basement!"

"I DON'T LIVE HERE!" Shad shouted from the lower floor.

"Wow, cool! He's British!" Saria exclaimed.

"What?!" Navi yelled. "People can't be British in a Zelda game!"

Saria took the old book from Link. "HEY! Shad! Get over here and take this book!" She threw it down the hole.

"This is a beautiful piece of history!" Shad said, probably running up and taking it. "You cannot treat it like that!"

"Whatever! We just need to get out of here already, so tell us what to do next!"

"All right, I'm going to try and say these words written in the book and see if it does something to this statue down here!"

Shad attempted to do so, but nothing happened to the said statue. On the other hand, the Dominion Rod in Saria's pocket started glowing again.

Saria's Dominion Rod regained its power!

"Oh, yay!" she cheered. "Now what do I do?"

"All right, it didn't seem to do anything!" Shad stated. "Therefore, I shall go and see if it works on other random statues scattered around Hyrule! Go ahead and visit me if you want to!"

Saria turned to Nathan. "Just use the guide and tell us what to do next."

He sighed and took out the guide. "I feel like I have no other use anymore…" He continued to flip the pages of it until he reached the point they were at. "We need to run all over Hyrule and move a bunch of statues with the Dominion Rod in order to restore the missing parts of that spell, then we can get into that room that Shad was trying to get into earlier, with a broken cannon in it, and have that clown guy repair it for us so we can use it to get into the sky and-"

Saria groaned. "Are you freaking kidding me? A cannon again? This is just ridiculous! I swear, this entire adventure has just been 'go somewhere, talk to some people, do something and bam, you're at the next dungeon'! Can't there be something else for once?! Heck, this game is so dang repetitive, it's ridiculously hard to make fun of it! You know, maybe that's why all these characters from previous stories keep showing up, because THE ONES FROM THIS GAME AREN'T INTERESTING ENOUGH!"

Saria panted as everyone else remained silent.

"Well… that was quite the rant…" Navi stated.

"SHUT UP! I want to get out of here already!" Saria shouted, stomping her foot. "I don't care what we have to do to get out of here, WE'RE FINISHING THIS IN THREE CHAPTERS OR LESS! Starting RIGHT NOW!"