Ohhhhh I hate him, I hate him, I hate him I hate himIhatehimIhatehim.
I can't believe this. I'm in detention again, and, yet again, it was his fault! Yeah, I think I'm noticing a pattern here. All of my detentions are his fault! I bet if I wanted to, I could trace back to the very first detention I got in fourth year, and figure out how all of them were Potter's fault.
Although there was that one I got for talking with Alice during Arithmancy, and
Actually, nope, that's it. All the rest are from fighting with Potter, or, more recently, Potter asking me out with his stupid pranks.
Like this one, for example. I mean, just. Why. Why did he think any of that would be a good idea? Why did he think I would say yes this one time out of all the others? Does he really think he's got a chance, or is he just humiliating me now? I mean, not that I think I'm out of his league, but shouldn't a boy give up on a girl when she says no to him 187 times?
No, wait, 188. Forgot about that one by the lake at night when he had Black, Lupin, and Peter levitate candles and a record player, all of which ended up in the water after I pushed Potter in. I can never remember that one because it was so low-key. No, no, wait, it's actually 189 if you count the one where he was drunk on something and he barely slurred it out before falling asleep in my lap.
Don't worry, I only keep count so I can brag to my daughter one day. Alice, Emma, and I have decided we're all going to be horrible mothers. I'm going to name my child something dreadful like Daffodil or Hydrangea if it's a girl, and Vernon- that's Petunia's horrible boyfriend- if it's a boy. Ugh.
Although Alice is seriously considering Neville for a boy's name (she wants to have two, a boy named Neville and a girl named Margaret) and she gets really offended if anyone tells her what an awful name that is. I love Alice, but...Neville? Do you know how much that boy will get picked on? Especially if she married someone with a really funny last name, like Professor Babbling's son Bill, or Frank Longbottom. Although Neville Lupin has a nice ring to it. I should try to set them up, they've got loads in common otherwise. Although the way she's been mooning over Frank lately, I'm probably already too late.
Also as a horrible mother, I am going to brag to my child (or children, I haven't decided yet) all the time about my accomplishments in my youth and how I had boys (or one boy) begging at my feet (he did that one time, the 56th attempt, I think). It does things to the ego, you know. Maybe I'll try and turn it into some comforting story- when my daughter comes home crying because some idiot boy doesn't like her, I'll tell her that I had a boy on his knees for me despite other boys not noticing me some of, well, a lot of the time, and so she will too.
Also, my daughter (probably daughter) is going to beat the child of Potter in everything. I can't wait to see his face when he realizes what he missed out on by being an immature idiot.
Not that I ever would've said yes anyways, of course. Or that he was ever serious about it. I think. But he continues to ask me out in such ridiculous ways! Do you want to know what he did today?
Wait, wait, why am I asking that, this is literally a letter to no one that I'll burn with the first one at some point (when they stop being so fun to reread, that is).
Anyways, today he asked me out again, for the -188- -189- 190th time. Want to know how?
No, you're an inanimate sheet of parchment, you're literally not capable of wanting anything, but I'll go ahead and tell the story.
Today, Emma, Alice, and I were walking to lunch, just normally, carrying our books and having conversations and all. As we began to descend the stairs into the Great Hall, we noticed that there appeared to be a loud gathering there and we could hear the two hyenas speaking loudly to all of them. This wasn't unusual, those two jesters are always pulling their monkey tricks, except that when we reached halfway down the stairs, Potter that absolute git looked up and shouted loudly for everyone to make room.
Nobody left, of course, although they did clear a space in the center of the room and a nice little path for us three to get through. Hogwarts is full of busybodies.
I turned to leave, because I knew what was coming, but Alice and Emma stopped me. They're amused by the whole Potter thing, for some reason. Emma asked, "Don't you want to see what he does?"
"Not particularly." I muttered.
"Lily Evans!" shouted Potter, clearly enjoying the crowd he had. "Lily Evans, too long have I pined after you in utter secrecy-"
"Secrecy?" I sputtered. There were a few titters. See, Potter, you're not the only one who knows about showmanship.
"Yes, well, semisecrecy." Potter said. His tone of voice was more appropriate for Greek theatre than a boarding school. "For though I have dogged your steps as you travelled these halls, hoping for but a glimpse of your beautiful green eyes and that radiant splash of sunshine you call a smile-"
"Okay, I know Lupin couldn't have helped you write that, because even he's not that bad." I said. "Did you seriously write that?" More laughter.
Potter was starting to look a little uncomfortable with the way things were going. "Well- still- there is still one group of Hogwarts residents left, who know not of my undying love for you, miss Lily Evans! And that is-"
And at that point, I don't know if anyone will believe me on this, but over a dozen house elves appeared in the space in the middle of the room. I rolled my eyes. What was that lunatic doing now?
"Lily, let's go!" Alice said, pushing me. We descended the stairs and crossed to where the elves were standing.
"Lily, I and these house elves have prepared, in honor of your beauty, a humble offering!" Potter said, still using his Greek-theatre voice. And then, I kid you not, the house elves began to sing. With harmonies and everything. I wish I remembered the lyrics exactly, because they were horrible in that kind of way you just want everyone to know about, but alas, I can only guess.
Oh our lovely mistress Lily Evans
It warms our heart to serve you
And now we find you are warming the heart of another
Of another boy whose name is James Potter
He thinks you are pretty as a Snitch
And just as unattainable
But he wants you just as bad
And he loves you just as much
I raised my eyebrows. Alice and Emma were about to fall over from the amount of giggling they were doing.
So, if you will, just fly over
To the one and only James Potter
And let him catch you in his firm hands
At this point, I was already preparing to take out my wand.
And he will take care of you forever
And love you for all time
Oh, Lily the Snitch
Lily the Snitch
Don't you know there's a Seeker out there
Waiting for you?
Lily the Snitch
Lily the Snitch
Just let James Potter
Take you on one date
Lily the Snitch
Will you go on a date
with him?
The house elves, mercifully, fell silent, and the busybodies all began applauding that awful song. Seriously? Those lyrics were worse than the Hogwarts theme song, and all of Potter's poetry combined. It annoyed me even more that several girls in the crowd appeared to be swooning- don't reward him for that mess! He didn't even write it for you, you twits!
"Sorry, Potter, but you're a Chaser, that song told me to go out with a Seeker." I said.
"It's a metaphor!" said the horrible lyricist. Okay, not one of my stronger names for him, but we'll ignore that and continue.
I snorted and tried to walk past him, and this is the point where McGonagall must've walked in, after all the house-elves disappeared and there was no evidence left of the humiliation I just endured. That was when James grabbed my arm, and began singing. SINGING (I am pleased to report that Potter is an awful singer. Take that, all you girls who think he's perfect). "Lily the Snitch, Lily the Snitch. Won't you go out with me? Lily the Snitch, Lily the Snitch, just let me catch you..." His hands moved up my arm. "...in my strong hands."
And that was when I turned and tried to punch him in the face, and got detention for it. I explained the situation, and Alice and Emma backed me up, but the Marauders (who had been laughing off to one side up until that point) claimed it was all my fault and James hadn't done anything, which was when I pulled my wand and got a second detention. And of course, who better to serve detention with than the instigator himself, Rockstar Potter?
So that's my letter, that's why I'm so angry at Potter right now, and
He just started humming that stupid song. For Merlin's sake. Professor McGonagall is out of the room, I'm going to- well, I don't know what exactly, but he's going to feel pain.
Oh Merlin. I can't believe I just. Oh Merlin. Ughhhh. So I went over there to make him stop, and of course he's being all -charming- horrible and I'm trying to reason with him, "Love letters, Evans? Couldn't stay away from me, Evans? Like the song, Evans? I bribed the house-elves with an extra dirty room, just for you." and I'm already going to MURDER him when I look down at his paper and in the margins of...something...I see a picture. Of me. More importantly, of scantily-clad me, in what looks like a Snitch bikini. And of course, because Potter's a girl-obsessed teenage boy, my proportions are all wrong, especially in the bust area.
So I grabbed the picture and the front of his shirt, and McGonagall walks in. So now I have another detention. Three for the same incident! It's a record for me! And all three, yet again, were Potter's fault. McGonagall says even if the picture was of me, it still doesn't justify attacking him, although Potter got another detention for drawing a picture instead of doing his assignment.
A separate detention from me this time. Hooray.
With an absolute lack of love,
Lily Evans
P.S. I just realized, I have three detentions and Potter has two for this incident, which means, for the first time ever, I have more detentions than Potter for something. Wow.