The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 22: The Reawakening
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link painfully killed a dragon, Saria wanted to tame the dragon, Navi got into a fight with Link, Midna repaired the Mirror of Twilight, Nathan also wanted to tame the dragon, and the Postman finally made himself useful but also demolished a building.
Now for Chapter Twenty-two.
"Dawn of the second chapter, two chapters remain!" Link stated.
"All right, we're here," Midna said as they appeared in the Twilight Realm.
"Whoa…" Saria spoke, "awesome."
As Midna had said earlier, the entire place looked like an endless space that looked like the sky of Twilight. Where they had appeared was a giant platform, with a palace on it and… some Twili playing Monopoly.
"What the heck, guys?" Midna asked in disbelief, floating over to them. "I thought Zant would've done something terrible."
One of the Twili turned his head to her. "Yeah, see, we thought we were going to be turned into those creepy monsters you've probably been seeing throughout the entire story, but Zant spends too much time sitting on his giant chair and talking to himself to get anything done. All he ever tells us to do is polish his furniture. We would've all left, but he broke the mirror so we were trapped here."
"Wait, how did he get in and out of this realm if the mirror was broken?" Nathan asked.
"Nathan, Zant hid a piece of the mirror in the past," Midna told him. "He can do quite a bit of crazy things."
"He can bend time and space with his mind?"
Midna paused. "Apparently…? Now let's go break into the palace and DESTROY him!"
"YEAH!" Link and Saria cheered, holding their swords up like people in a mob.
Midna paused. "But first… In order to defeat Zant, you're going to need to charge your swords up with light. There are these two magic light orbs that are normally here, but Zant hid them away and gave them freaky guardians that chase you when you take the orb."
Saria sighed. "Of course he did…"
"Can't we just kill them?" Link asked.
"No," Midna told him. "They're invincible."
"How do you even know this, anyway?" Navi asked her. "You left right when he took over the Twilight Realm, right?"
"I took Nathan's strategy guide again."
"Augh, seriously?!" Nathan yelled. "I swear, the point of me being here is slowly fading!"
"And here Link thought Nathan would completely take his place," Navi said.
"My importance has grown!" Link stated, his eyes practically twinkling. He blinked, then he sighed.
"What's the problem?" Saria asked him.
He looked at her. "I can't believe I was stupid enough to never demand an apology from you after all those terrible things you did to me in Majora's Mask."
She paused and looked at the ground.
"Where did that come from?" Navi questioned. "It's been well over a month since that incident, but you remember just now?"
"Oh yeah, and Saria also owes me 220 rupees from the last story," Link added. She winced in response. "She also took some of my money in this story, too."
"How do you remember such specific details…?" she asked.
Link pushed the magic glasses that randomly appeared on his face into place. "I have my resources."
"I wonder if anyone will get that reference…" Navi spoke.
So, there was quite a bit of confusion with this situation, but Link somehow managed to convince Saria to pay him back right then with her own pocket money (which she had a LOT of), and receive a very serious and focused apology.
After that, they decided to move on and find the two orbs of light that would charge their swords. The strategy guide made this very easy, and Saria actually cheated for most of the rooms by swinging over pits that Link and Nathan would need items or abilities to get over.
"Oh yeah, by the way!" Midna suddenly started, scaring the crap out of Link. "If you fall into that smoke down there, you'll turn into a beast!"
He sighed. "Good to know. Now next time, don't be quite for an entire ten minutes and then decide to talk that loudly," he told her.
She rolled her eyes. "That attitude of yours! I wonder where you got it? Back when we first met, you were a complete idiot."
"Teenage mind development?" Navi suggested.
"His mind didn't develop in Ocarina of Time," Saria stated.
Navi thought for a moment. "Well, maybe because he hadn't been through very much then. At this point, though, he's already been through almost three adventures."
"How does any of this make sense?"
Back at the beginning of Twilight Princess, up in the heavens of the original Hyrule…
"Remind me why we have a portal connecting to that other dimension?" Nayru said, "The heroes seem to have found themselves crossing it."
"Hey, if we hadn't put that there, that kid Nathan would've been screwed," Din told her.
"DUN DUN DUN!" Farore suddenly said dramatically, "A mystery arises for the readers!"
"Hey, remember back when we decided to make Link the Hero of Time?" Nayru started, "Why in the world did we say that we were picking randomly? I don't think it would've turned out this well if that were true."
"Well…" Farore started, whipping off her random sunglasses. "Obviously I knew exactly what I was talking about when I gave him the Triforce of Courage. That wasn't completely random, he is the destined hero! He is also destined to drop his insane personality, which will happen at some point in the story!"
"You're the one who said we should make it somebody completely ridiculous."
"Then YOU suggested we make it Link, and I was like, what the heck, he's supposed to be the hero anyway!"
"Can't you make the hero whoever you want it to be?"
"Yeah, and I also knew that he would grow up to be so handsome, and that there would be this wonderful love story between him and that cute little forest girl that Din completely corrupted."
"Hey, I was just making her similar to the first heroine!" Din insisted. "I ALSO knew she would end up accompanying the Hero of Time, so why not?"
"She's way crazier than the first heroine," Nayru said.
"Hey, she got better at controlling herself. NOW she's more similar to the first heroine."
Back in the Twilight Realm…
"I guess it'll remain a mystery…" Saria said.
The team decided to press on through the Twilight Palace to find the light orbs, and eventually they came to the first one. On the opposite end of the room, an ominous-looking hand holding the orb sat there. They took a few steps forward and a projection-like form of Zant appeared.
"Oh, so he was too lazy to come fight us himself?" Nathan said. "Or maybe he just wants to make us weaker first, so he can beat us more easily? Cheapskate."
"Nathan, we have five people on our team," Saria told him. "And all of us are definitely capable of fighting in some way. I bet we could beat this guy without even breaking a sweat."
Right as Saria finished that sentence, the Zant phantom shot a ball of light (twilight?) at her, probably offended by her comment. She noticed it coming right as it was about to hit her, and not knowing what else to do, she jumped aside.
She growled. "Hey! You're not supposed to interrupt people like that! Huh? What?! Are you sticking your tongue out at me?!"
"Saria, his mask always looks like that," Navi told her.
Saria drew her sword, prepared to fight him. "I don't care! He wouldn't have chosen a mask like that if he wasn't mocking everyone who stood in his path!"
"She has a point," Nathan stated.
"Speaking of his mask, how does he see out of that thing?" Link wondered. "I mean, it's like, solid iron or something…"
The Zant phantom decided to shoot multiple glowing balls of magic at Saria at once, just to be annoying. They began to fly towards her in all different directions, making it impossible to avoid unless you were some kind of epic ninja.
"Saria!" Navi called. "Spin attack, now!"
"I could've figured that out on my own!" she replied, obviously not amused by Navi trying to tell her what to do. She held out her sword in preparation for the attack.
"Considering the situation you're in, I don't think the fact that you could deflect magic with your own sword just by slashing would hit you all of a sudden."
"Shut up already!" Right as the magic was about to hit Saria, she spun and all of the glowing balls shot off in the opposite direction; one of them hitting the phantom.
Since the phantom had put all of his strength into that last attack in order to take Saria down, considering she was one of the more dangerous team members, that single ball of twilight that had shot back dealt quite a bit of damage. In fact, it sent the Zant copy flying into a nearby wall, but did not leave a single scratch on the wall. The phantom simply dematerialized.
Saria huffed, putting her sword over her shoulder. "That was easy enough."
"Now, we just need to get that ball of light over there," Midna told the team. "See how it's in the hand? Go hit it or something."
"That's my specialty!" Saria walked over to the strange-looking hand and gave it a slash. It dropped the orb. "It's going to wake up when we try to leave, right?" She picked up the orb. "Link! Heads up!" She threw it at him.
Midna stared as Link barely caught it. "Hey! Careful!" she yelled. "That thing is made out of glass, isn't it?!"
"Yeah, but if it's an important item, it won't break, will it?" Link asked. He turned to Saria. "All right, I'm assuming our plan is to throw it all over these next few rooms to confuse the hand?"
"Wow! We're understanding each other more and more by the chapter!" she exclaimed. "Or maybe that was just a lucky guess."
Link shrugged. "Well, I said I was assuming that was our plan."
Everybody froze when the hand on the opposite side of the room began to twitch. It began to slowly float towards then while making haunting sounds.
"Oh, and it just had to sound like that, didn't it?!" Saria yelled. "What the heck is it with Zant and not making things normal?! I don't care what Midna says, I'm pretty sure I can kill this thing!" She went into a battle stance again.
Midna raised an eyebrow. "So you just don't want to accept the fact that this thing scares you and you don't want it to be following you?" she asked.
"SHUT UP!" The heroine charged at the twilight hand, who was floating towards the orb, completely ignoring her. She slashed at it with all her might (which was a lot), sending it flying into the wall in a similar fashion to the Zant phantom. However, it really did make a hole in the wall. She turned back to her teammates. "What the crap is going on, guys?! Navi keeps trying to tell me what to do, Midna is making fun of me, Link is demanding money, and Nathan isn't even bothering me!"
"Maybe it's just because your power is giving you too much confidence and pride," Navi spoke. "Aside from Nathan, do you notice that all these things happen to Link? He handles them way better than you."
"It still makes me angry," Link said. "And I wasn't demanding money, I was just asking for what rightfully belonged to me in the first place."
Suddenly, the universe decided to completely interrupt this serious moment and have a wall break down. "HEEEEEY!" The one who ran in was none other than the Postman himself.
"WHAT THE FRICKIN' CRAP!" Saria screamed, making literally everyone cover their ears. Even the twitching hand who was sent flying into the wall earlier, despite the fact that he did not have ears.
The Postman stopped in front of Link, holding out a letter. "I have an anonymous letter that I obtained from another postman who apparently knows you!"
Saria thought for a moment. "Hey, you!" she called. "Why don't you make yourself useful again and go put the other light orb into the pedestal in the middle of the realm?"
"I am sorry, but that is not in my schedule! I must be on my way now, I have more letters to deliver!"
"Oh, come on! If you can bend space, you could finish this job in like, two seconds! And don't you dare say that two seconds out of your schedule would be bad! Heck… I'll pay you if you do it! We just need to defeat Zant as quickly as possible!"
"Wow, you're acting like Zant is some pathetic pawn who's completely irrelevant to the story," Midna said. "He's technically the main villain since Ganondorf doesn't actually show up until the end of the game."
"That statement is irrelevant." She turned back to the Postman. "Now, go do it, because it will save a lot of time, not waste it."
"Fine, I will do it," the Postman told her. "But only for the sake of the story." He left. Saria did a victory dance that involved spinning. Because of that, she faced Link at once point, whose face had drained of color in horror, causing her to freeze in her place.
"W-what's the matter…?" she asked him. He pointed to the letter in his hand.
"… It's from Z-Zelda…" he stammered. "The one from our world. She isn't very happy…"
Saria stared. "… Oh crud. How did she find us?"
Dear Not-so-dear team of heroes,
WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! You just HAD to open up the stupid Door of Time again, and then just left it open for no reason?! What's the big idea?! Leaving the Master Sword out in the open like this?! What is wrong with you?! Where the heck are you, anyway? You all just disappeared and nobody knows where you are! Clearly, though, if you're reading this letter, the Postman was able to find you, or did something else ridiculous. IF YOU DON'T RESPOND TO THIS LETTER, THEN I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU.
From Princess Zelda.
"… Wow," Nathan exclaimed. "Your princess friend is very… interesting, isn't she?"
"I need something to write with," Saria said. "Does anybody have anything?"
A random Twili came in through the hole in the wall on a magic carpet. "I have writing utensils!" he stated. Saria took them without questioning the carpet.
Dear Absolutely Crazy Princess,
Look, don't question our location, we're just on another important adventure saving a freaking world again, which happens to be behind the window in the Temple of Time. Don't blame me! It was Link's idea! And besides, nobody can pull up the sword except for him! And ALSO besides, you're the one who decided to let us keep the Ocarina of Time! If you had simply taken it back, none of this would've ever happened. But then again, this DID give me an opportunity to kill things again, and we're saving a world in the process, so just FREAKING GO WITH IT.
From Saria.
Conveniently, the Postman had already obtained the other light orb by this point and had put it in the pedestal outside. He came back in, Saria gave the letter to him, and he was off again.
Nate paused. "… So if the princess had taken her ocarina back, you would've never ended up here?" he asked. The other three nodded at the same time. "What would've happened to this world…?"
"MAGIC CARPET TIME!" the same Twili from before said. The team somehow appeared on the carpet and he flew them back outside. Thankfully, the light orb came with them.
The Twili disappeared before the team could say anything about what happened. They didn't know how it happened, but they just decided to put the orb into the other pedestal to power their swords.
"Ooh, shiny…" EVERY Twili in the area said at once. It was kind of creepy.
Link and Saria's swords became Light Swords! Or something like that.
"Want to take the magic carpet again?" the Twili asked. "I will take you to Zant's chamber because there are way too many puzzles beforehand."
Saria let out a sigh of relief. "Thank the goddesses. I was worried this was starting to take too long." She got onto the carpet.
Because Zant's throne room was hidden way back behind a bunch of puzzles, the team needed to fly over the infinite void of twilight and break into the back room. They literally broke straight through a window.
"Hey!" Zant yelled. "My window! Why would you do this?!"
"It's faster," Midna said. "Going through all those rooms before would've been way too much of a pain in the butt. Good thing this guy with a magic carpet is here, it saved us a lot of time."
"Darn those magic carpets, always meddling with my plans!" Zant stood up from his giant chair, his mask lifting off his head and folding behind him, revealing his face. "For this, I shall give you the longest boss battle ever, which is very inconvenient for that time limit of yours that I somehow know about!"
"Isn't there another boss after this?" Link asked. "I don't know, the FINAL BOSS?"
"WHAT?! THIS IS MADNESS!" Zant began to spaz and jump up and down with his head down. "Why am I, the great king Zant, not the final boss?!"
"Because there's still Ganondorf," Navi said. "According to resources, you got your power from him because he was sealed away here, right? And it all in order to bring back HIS power."
"Silence, muffins!" Zant floated up into the air. "You shall pay for breaking my window! In fact, every stage in this fight shall be similar to almost every boss you've fought before! I've even managed to pull off temperature changes in this situation!"
"Is it just me or has his insanity level gone up?" Nathan wondered.
Link decided that he would shoot Zant with a bomb arrow just to see what his reaction was. Saria was apparently thinking the exact same thing, but when she saw Link's surprised face when he reached into his pocket, she rose an eyebrow. "Um, what's the matter?" she asked him. Her eyes widened when he pulled out the Fierce Deity Mask. "W-wait, it's there now?! Are you going to use it?!"
"Ah ha ha ha ha!" Zant laughed. "You cannot defeat me with a stupid mask, you fools! I mean, seriously, why in the world would you think that?"
Link grinned almost menacingly. The entire world seemed to go into slow motion as he put the mask on, everybody on the team staring in awe at how dramatic it was. His eyes went wide at the sudden pain from transforming, and he fell to his knees. Zant began to stare in slow motion as well. Saria was about to run over to him, but Navi stopped her.
Link was still on the floor after changing, breathing heavily. Then he let out a scream, surprising everyone. Saria and Navi didn't remember it being this terrible for him to transform. But the reason for the scream was actually the feathered white wings tearing out of his back.
"… That wasn't there last time," Navi stated.
The now-transformed 8-foot tall Link stood up. His head was down and he was giggling like a maniac. It eventually broke out into a maniacal laughter, swinging his head up. It was a lot like Saria when blowing structures up, except it was more villainous rather than crazed. "I've been waiting for this…" he said very, very creepily. He drew his enormous sword.
"Whoa…" Saria exclaimed. "He looks even more awesome than the first time! Though I have to admit, that did look kinda painful."
"What in the name of hummus has happened here?!" Zant yelled. "Why has that annoying child become so awesome all of a sudden?!"
"I'm not a child…" Oni Link said, sighing. "I'm seventeen."
"Anyone who is small and insignificant is a child in my eyes!" Zant put his mask back on. I don't really know why he took it off in the first place.
"This guy isn't small, either! He's like, 5'11! Sure, he's a lot shorter than me, but he's tall for a Hylian!" By this point, the team had realized that the Fierce Deity Mask had not simply changed Link's form, but actually held a being in it, too, that took over him when he put it on.
"Wait, are you seventeen?" Nathan asked, just trying to clear things up a bit.
"Yeah," Oni Link replied, much to their surprise. "I was a teenage deity."
"But then you took an arrow to the knee!" Zant said. Oni twitched, and shot a beam at him through his sword. Zant was sent flying into a wall from the impact.
"Why is everybody flying into walls today?" Midna wondered.
They looked back at Oni, who was hitting his head for some reason and talking to himself. "Shut up, that's just the way it is! What?! No! I can't give you a reason!"
"… What the heck are you doing?" Saria asked, confused, along with the rest of the team.
"Ugh," Oni groaned. "Link's really, really confused right now."
Saria raised an eyebrow. "He's a voice in your head?"
"He's still here. He's wearing the mask that I was sealed in, he didn't just transform into me or something," he explained. "This is still Link's body, he doesn't just disappear when he puts on the mask."
"I guess that makes sense," Navi said.
"Hey! Don't forget about me, I'm important!" Zant told them, floating into the air again. "I will not be defeated by a measly laser beam! That was nothing!"
"How about I keep doing it until there's a hole in the wall?" Oni asked, and evil grin forming on his face.
"I'm getting serious, now!"
The boss music for this fight began to play. The area transformed into the boss room from the Forest Temple… that got blown up long, long ago.
"Where the heck are we?" Saria wondered. "I've never seen this place before."
"What are you talking about?!" Zant yelled. "This is the boss room of the first temple, you burritoly fools!"
"Huh? You mean the temple that the monkey blew up before we even entered it?"
"Fastest dungeon ever," Midna said.
"Dang this parody!" Zant exclaimed. "Why does everything always have to screw up my plans?! First you break through the window rather than coming through like a normal person, then you showed no sign of being intimidated by me, then that kid brings something from the last story into this one, and now you tell me that you didn't even enter the first temple?! You leave me no choice! I'm going to have to bring out… THE TERROR."
"The terror?" everybody else asked.
Oni snickered. "Not like anything will scare me, anyway," he said.
But then it happened.
THEY WARPED INTO TELETUBBY LAND.
"NOOOO!" they all screamed. "NOT THE TELETUBBIES!'
"Muahahaha!" Zant laughed. "In that time that I was warped here by that darned spirit, I created an army of killer Teletubbies! You shall never win, now!"
"I'd curse you," Oni spoke, "but I can't do that anymore."
"In this land of Teletubbies…" Zant rose his arms into the air. "Everything shall go MY way!" He barely avoided a laser shot at him from Oni. "Hahaha! Now that we are in Teletubby land, these lasers will have no effect on me!"
"Um, that's just because you avoided it," Midna said.
"SILENCE! Rise, army of Teletubbies! Dispose of these rats!"
From behind a hill, an army of red Teletubbies with distorted faces rose up. The faces actually resembled the Mirror Shield from Majora's Mask. These Teletubbies were three times the size of regular Teletubbies.
Nathan slowly removed his random sunglasses. "Sweet mother of Nayru…" he mumbled.
"I'll just dispose of ALL of you, then!" Oni shouted, his helix sword glowing with power and he flew into the air. "I'm not going to be defeated by a bunch of stupid Teletubbies! That would be humiliating."
And thus the epic battle between the team and Zant's army of Teletubbies began…