Dear Potter,

I will admit, you have asked me out in some great ways. Some brilliantly horribly creative ways, like number 32, when you put signs on the insides of the windows and dragged me out to that beautiful spot by the lake where I could see them all. If I ever had a favorite of your askings, I think that one would be it.

But now? Now you're up to 197. And of all the 197, you've somehow managed to find the most irritating, offensive way possible.

It's summer break, Potter, and we'd gotten along so well towards the end of the year, even if you asked me out four more times (owls with letters painted on their wings, the Quidditch finals with fireworks, written in one of my textbooks, as a way of saying goodbye at the train station). Why did you have to do this? Why did you think sending lingerie (magically enchanted to make the beholder feel a little, er, randy) with a note saying "Go out with me, Evans" would ever possibly work?

I hope you like the Howler I sent back. Yeah, I figured out how to use those. I just can't believe it, we were...well, not quite friends would be the best way to describe it. We had some real bonding time towards the end of the year, some actual good conversations with each other, and I honestly thought your pranks were funny and your asking-outs more amusing once I started talking to you! We even had that huge Potions project together for finals, and you were so responsible with that, everything I thought you couldn't be! I almost called you James when we were saying goodbye at the station, because I thought it would be funny to see your face.

I guess I should've known that Potters never change. Never, never, never.

And yeah, I know there's no reason for me to be writing this letter, I'm not in school to get detention, but you're starting to piss me off again and this seemed to help some last year. Do you know how creepy it is to send lingerie to a girl you aren't dating? And offensive, and entitled? I don't like you that way, Potter. Your askings towards the end of the year were kind of cute, and I enjoyed them as much as you enjoyed them, but this crosses a line. This is harassment, exactly the kind of obnoxious behavior that

Don't send me an owl to come flapping around my head and scare Petunia, you know what you did! (Although Petunia's face was a little funny)

Oh. It seems it wasn't you, it was just Black playing a prank. Great. Still annoying that you're friends with him, but I guess that is who you are. You can try the nice guy act, but you really will always be a little boy.

Sigh. I actually got my hopes up a little about you being

No, not writing that, that's only partially true, and anyways, this isn't a diary, this is about you, Potter, and I wish I could understand why I'm so...disappointed by this whole incident. You didn't do it, and anyways, I shouldn't expect any better out of you. You even apologized for it, which I think is a first. Why would I be disappointed that you're acting like an idiot again, unless I stopped thinking you were a prat, and started hoping you weren't a prat, because I started lik

Oh dear Merlin no

Ugh. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

This can't be happening, not when we had finally made our peace with each other. I was fine with you, we were fine, and now I think I li I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Because I can't like you. A), I've been down that road, and you still mock me for it, and B), if I ever said yes to you, I'd be going back on two year's worth of "Never ever!". And I know that's just pride and it's not a real reason, but two whole years. No one at Hogwarts would ever forget it. And I'm not being self-absorbed, we have crowds when we fight, most of Hogwarts knows our situation. I can't even begin to imagine what they would do if I said yes. And all that's assuming you're actually being genuine with your ridiculous asks rather than just doing it as a joke. Because I'd love to believe you were sincere, but if you weren't, and I started liking you again, you would make fun of me until the end of time. And I'm sick of your making fun of me, it really does hurt sometimes, especially when it's about something like that.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh what have I gotten myself into?

I should owl Emma or Alice for help, although Emma would make fun of me, and Alice is probably too busy being happy, uncomplicated couple with Frank Longbottom to care.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Okay, calm down, Lily. Okay, breath. Release all your feelings onto this parchment, just like you've been doing for months.

It's clearly just a side effect of hating him. I've been hating him for so long that I've grown obsessed with him (and in a bad way, I can almost hear Potter's reaction to that sentence), and now that I stopped hating him, all that obsessive energy has nowhere else to go. I mean, that's why I hated him so much at first, wasn't it? It was a side effect of liking him back in fourth year. That's what it is now, I'm just becoming obsessed with him in a good way inste

Stupid McGonagall stupid letter stupid detention stupid Lily this is bad, so bad, this is awful awful awful

Okay. Let's just try to be reasonable here. I'm trying to get better at managing my emotions, isn't that why McGonagall made me do these stupid letters? It got me into this mess with that "10 best things", but maybe I can get myself out with the skills I've learned.

So.

I li I I like P I like I

Get it out, Lily, no matter how embarrassing it is.

I fancy Potter.

Errrrghhhh.

After all those years of hating him, being pranked by him, and hexing and insulting him in response,

I fancy Potter.

Yeck.

You know, I do actually feel a bit better now that I've admitted it to myself. Maybe all I have to do is tell him and then it all will go aw

No, I can't do that. No way.

So how do I get rid of this?

Although he has gotten better, he might not tease me as much as he would have if I told him.

But what if he's been joking the whole time?

But what if he hasn't and I get to go out with a handsome, intelligent, kind, loyal, funny Quidditch star? Isn't that my ideal man anyways?

Well, yes, minus the Quidditch part although that is a nice bonus, but let's get real here, that man doesn't exist. This is just Potter. It's ridiculous to project my own ideals on him, just because he might (?) like me so he's a convenient receptacle. It won't make for a happy long-term relationship, nothing with Potter would ever make a happy long-term relationship. He's not the kind of guy you grow old with.

But isn't he? Funny, good conversationalist, maybe interested in me, intelligent, loyal, kind...

But I'm not looking for a life partner, I'm seventeen, for Merlin's sake. Yeah, Hogwarts has an unusual high post-graduation marriage rate, but that isn't what I want. Is it?

A long term relationship would be nice, though. And with Potter I think I

I think I could picture it.

No no no no no stop I can't

What if I just gave him a chance? He might be a nice guy, but one chance is also all it would take for me to be the laughing stock of Hogwarts, but do I really care about other people's opinions besides Emma and Alice, and I'm going to graduate in a year anyways, but I want to leave a good reputation behind for future Muggleborns, rather than being the overachiever who went mad for James Potter.

This is getting too muddled, I'm arguing with myself. I think I'm going to take a nice long break, breath deeply, work on some homework, and then come back once my head is clear.

Okay. Back.

Let's look at this logically.

Pros and Cons to Dating Potter

PROS:

He will probably ask me out

He's cute

We get along when I'm not hating him and he isn't asking me out

He's funny

He's a good conversationalist

He's kind

He's loyal

I really enjoy spending time with him

According to Emma and a few other girls, he's a really good kisser

He seems like he would have a lot of creative date ideas

He listens to me and sometimes takes me seriously

He's romantic

He gives lots of compliments

He's experienced with dating, so he'll be good at it

I like spending time with him when he's not mocking me

He's tuned down the pranks lately

His hair, teeth, eyes, and bone structure are all impressive

CONS:

I hate him

He'll make fun of me

Emma and Alice will make fun of me

The Marauders will make fun of me

Everyone will make fun of me

He's friends with Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew

He's James Potter

He's immature

He isn't asking me out seriously

He used to bully Severus

Ego

I might be a conquest, I've seen that chick flick

He's cruel to his enemies

We're going to fight again at some point?

He...gets in trouble a lot?

...

I don't know, his taste in music?

I've never met his parents?

He rejected me cruelly in fourth year.

He plays with his hair and his snitch too much

Okay, this is pathetic. For years I despised this boy, and now, suddenly, when I need reasons to hate him, I can't think of any good ones? It must be because I'm over break- -absence makes the heart grow- he isn't around to give me reasons to hate him. Yeah, pros beat out cons, but I'm going to wait until I get back to Hogwarts anyways. If he's not annoying after the first few weeks, well, then...maybe.

I'm not worried that the pros outweigh the cons. Not at all. I'm in control of my emotions here.

?!

Lily