Dear I Hate This Shut Up Go Away,

Ughhhhh. I can't believe it. I hadn't argued with him in weeks. I was with Rich, and he was with Kendra, and we were both fine and politely avoiding each other. I mean, I wasn't happy with it, but everything had at least died down for a while. For the first time in years, the thought of James Potter didn't make me angry.

That angry.

But anyways, I really should've know better than to go out with him and Kendra to Hogsmeade. Emma, Alice, and I decided to have a triple date (with Sirius, Frank, and Rich), and then James and Kendra joined because they are technically part of our friend group, I suppose (because he's friends with Emma and Alice, but not with me), and then Peter asked out Hestia Jones for the day, so we were all going in a big, happy group. Except Remus, who was apparently "studying" and didn't want to come. I don't understand why he couldn't just ask out a girl for the day if he really felt like he was going to be a loose end (he didn't say he felt like that, but of course Remus would never admit to such a thing), but, then again, I don't think he's asked out a single girl his entire time at Hogwarts. Kind of a pity, really, he's a nice guy, I fancied him back in fifth year, and I'm pretty sure Alice liked him at some point. But anyways, Remus wasn't there, and Peter, Hestia, Emma, Sirius, Alice, Frank, Kendra, Potter, Rich, and I all got a table at the Three Broomsticks.

Since we were such a big group, they had to magically expand the table into a big circle so we all would fit. So Emma, Alice, and I (and our dates) all filled in because we were early, leaving four seats next to me open. And James and Peter were typical late Marauders (really, they could've just come with Sirius and been on time) and of course, you guessed it, everyone else sat down first so James ends up having to sit in the seat next to me.

He was an overdramatic baby about it, too. He walked over, did a double take, and said (to Kendra, like I wasn't even there), "Uh- are you sure?"

To which Kendra sweetly replied, "It'll be fine, James. Remember, we talked about this."

What I ever found attractive about him- I didn't ever find him attractive, but you get the point. I will never know what happened to me last summer that made me go so temporarily insane and actually think James Potter was

-Although our elbows and knees kept brushing and that was kind of nice-

But at least I can confirm that he and Kendra had talked about me. Over me, my arse! Ha! I do win this after all! He's the unrequited one in the end!

...That's probably not a very nice thing to think.

But anyways, the date actually went fine for a while. Quidditch talk, teacher talk, wonder-what-Remus-is-doing talk, and general fun times. Except Kendra kept making these digging little comments, like "Oh, I would hate to be in Gryffindor, the color just washes out pale skin, doesn't it?" and "I just really hate those people who think they're better than everyone else because they get good grades and brownnose to teachers, it's so annoying, isn't it, James?" and "Oh, I think it's really rude when someone rejects someone else in public. Like, at least say yes and then no later. Like, when James asked me out, I was completely sure if I want to go out with him, because, you know, he's had that whole thing with-" pointed look at me- "but I still said yes just because I didn't want to embarrass him, that would be so mean. And it was so sweet of him, look how well it's turned out..." and on and on and on.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM WHEN SHE SAID YES.

Okay, I'm over it. I'm over him, so it doesn't matter. And I never liked him that much to begin with. But, ha ha, silly girl thinking the way he asked her was special.

Eventually, it got so bad that I cheerfully said, "You know what I hate? When someone insults someone else but does it really passive-agressively, rather than just saying it to their face. Doesn't it just ruin dates, Kendra?"

Okay, so it was a little too much. The table quieted immediately (everyone had that look of when you're at a friends house and they start fighting with their parents, and James seemed like he wanted nothing more than to disappear, just like the brave Gryffindor he was). Kendra smiled as though she wanted to strangle me at a lovely garden party. "Not everything is about you, Lily."

I smiled right back. "I'm not saying everything is, Kendra. I'm just saying, you're insulting pale, redheaded, freckly know-it-alls with flower names, Muggle heritage, and a habit of saying no to James Potter. Have I had a twin and never known it?"

"He doesn't like you anymore." Kendra said, still smiling, but she was clutching her fork tight enough to snap it. "He's with me now. I know you're jealous, but you don't need to antagonize me-"

I laughed lightly. "Am I the one who just spent a half hour systematically insulting everything about you?"

Kendra's smile was vanishing rather quickly for someone who smiled that much. She stood, and James cringed. "He's not yours, Lily!" she said, attracting the attention of half the restaurant. "He's mine! You lost! Just accept it!"

"I'm not sure I lost anything." I said, trying my best to be logical. "Don't you think if I were really interested in James Potter, I would've said yes to him at some point?"

"I've seen the way you look at him!" Kendra's face was contorted with rage. Very attractive. "And I've- I've read your letters!"

It felt like someone had slammed me in the chest. Slowly, very slowly, I stood up to meet her. "Excuse me?"

"Your letters." She was back to smiling now, unintimidated by my height. "They're creepy! I saw them when I was using your loo, you left them out on your bed-"

"Why the hell would you read them?" I said. "And no, I never left them out, and besides, they were from last year, it was for detention, they're all about how angry I was at him, for Merlin's sake."

"Not all of them." Kendra said, folding her arms. "Oh, no, you have some interesting ones from the summer, and this year! Oh, I can't be fancying him, not after acting like I hated him for six years, oh, but he's so smart and fun to be around and romantic-"

I was incredibly aware of Potter and most of the room staring at me, and even more so of how red my face was getting. "Shut up!" I shouted, and I dove across Potter to keep her quiet. It was humiliating. Completely, absolutely, humiliating. I might as well have just declared my love for him on the spot. But I just couldn't

Couldn't deal with those emotions that were buried, dead, gone. I couldn't let him know, he'd mock me and

Who am I kidding?

But that was not the end of that particular story, oh no no no. That's the story of how I got kicked out of one of my favorite restaurants and completely ruined our quintuple date. (AKA another reason why Lily Evans, and Kendra Wood, are the worst.) The detention part comes later.

So Rich found me first after I stormed out, and grabbed my arm. I was of the opinion he was going to, I don't know, stick up for me, but no-o-o-o.

"Is it true?" he said.

"What?" I said.

"The letters." Rich said. "I would like to see them. Very much so."

"No, they're private-" I began, but the look on his face...! "I mean, they aren't private, there's just no reason for you to see them, because, you know, they're about how much I hate J- Potter, and there's nothing there, she was exaggerating!"

Rich wasn't having any of it. "Then show me."

"I'm over him, Rich!" I said, praying to all that is holy James wouldn't overhear us. "Yes, I did have a- a- well, not a crush, but I got over it! You can see, the last letter is from several weeks ago-"

"Before or after we started going out again?"

I faltered. "I..."

"Before or after, Lily."

"Well, after, but I-"

Rich groaned and turned away. "So I was just a replacement, then? A stand-in for Golden Boy James Potter?"

"No, it's not like that!"

"I mean, everyone told me you liked Potter, but I thought you were getting over him!"

I was sure even the people in the cafe could hear us now. "Richard, please, let's not do this in public-"

"Why not?" he hissed. "Why don't you want to James to know you had a crush on him if you're over him, Lily? And what was I, just a- a trick to make him jealous? We're done, Lily."

"No, Rich, wait!" I called.

He didn't listen, he just stormed off. And that's how I lost the dreamiest dreamboat to ever dream, because of idiot me and idiot James Potter. And before you ask, no, that's not how I ended up in detention, either.

What a great day I had, right?

Also, sidebar: everyone knew I liked Potter? Since when? How? I never even really liked him in the first place! But I guess if I guy asks out a girl enough times, the girl must automatically like him back! That makes so much sense!

Anyways, even after all that, my day still wasn't over yet. I obviously couldn't go back to my dorm because James would be there, probably snogging Kendra on the couch or something, so I went to the library instead. An obvious hiding spot, I guess, but I did try and find the most secluded table I could- I had to kick out a couple attached by the tongue to do it (a perk of being Head Girl!). But James still found me there. Of all the people who could have, of course it was James. Nothing was on my side today.

"Hey." he said. "Are you okay?"

I gave him my best glare. "None of your business."

"Is, is what she said about those letters-"

"No!" I said. "No, no, no. Those letters are- they're- they're not- just shut up about the letters, all right?"

"Okay, okay." James said, raising his hands. There was a short awkward pause. Why didn't he just leave? "Um...Kendra dumped me."

"Seems we're even, then." I said stiffly. "Rich just broke up with me."

"Why?" James leaned forward, watching me.

"Uh...he doesn't think I've been paying enough attention to him." And that's true enough, I guess, he'd been making little remarks about that beforehand.

"Is that all?"

I knew what he wanted me to say, but I couldn't. Maybe it was the horrible day, maybe I just wanted to punish myself further, but, no, I just couldn't. "Yes."

"Really." he said. "Because if I were him, and I heard about my girlfriend liking another boy, I would have a whole bunch of other reasons to dump him."

"Well, he didn't." I said.

"So you didn't like me?"

I stood, gathering my things. "I can't do this, James, not now, I've just had one of the worst days-"

He grabbed my arm. -His eyes were still so pretty.- "Wait, do you still like me?"

"James-"

"Will you go out with me, Lily?"

And that's when I snapped. "I said NO!" I shouted. "No, no, I said that 198 times now, and I mean it! I told you I didn't want to do this right now, I have just had a horrible day, so please, just stop asking me, because my answer will always be no!" Shock flashed in his eyes and I tried to ignore it. "Merlin, James, I cannot believe- you tell me you've changed, but here we are, the day you and Kendra end things, and you're right back to never bloody leaving me alone again. Please, for once, just piss off!"

Yeah. Ouch. Great job, Lily. He didn't get a chance to yell back, however. That was when we both got detention for me shouting like an idiot in the library, because apparently we'd fought with each other so much that Pince didn't even care who was doing the shouting anymore. But even another joint detention as Heads wasn't as bad as finally making things irreparable between us. His face after I've shouted at him was as cold as I've ever seen it, and he hasn't said a word to me or even looked at me since. I doubt there will be any apologies this time. I

I know McGonagall's going to glare at me for this, but I just need to take a moment, and some deep breaths. Detention's almost over, anyways, I can tell she's ready to dismiss us.

I screwed up.

I screwed up so bad.

Not just today, but the rest of this year between us.

Because I've been trying to deny it, but he was right, what he shouted at me in the Great Hall. I've been misjudging him ever since he rejected me fourth year. Today was just the inevitable conclusion to that.

He wasn't a good person all of that time, but he has grown up, he's a better person now. He's someone I want to date now, and has been for a while, and I've been denying it, for a long time, and trying to pretend I wasn't jealous, and that Kendra didn't matter, but she did. And you do, too. You matter, Potter. You matter me more than I've ever let myself admit. And I can't believe it took ruining everything between us to make me realize it. I just was too proud to admit I liked you, and my temper, and maybe, when it came down to it, I was the one who needed to do the growing up here.

And I can't apologize to you because I'm pretty sure you won't accept it and I can't make things right again anymore, I'm just going to have to accept that my temper, pride, and stubbornness cost me...you. I 'm just going to have to try and not make the same mistake again.

Because I did like you, Potter, no matter what I might have said. It was a twisted, spiteful kind of obsession, but I did like you. I kept track of your girlfriends and asks, didn't I? I remember every single one. And when Emma and I had that big fight after she snogged you...

And I got so heartbroken after what you did fourth year, and then you asked me out and I thought you were making fun of me or thought me angry was funny, and I wanted to get revenge for you rejecting me, and it just all spiraled out of control so quickly. And now that I finally like you, I've ruined everything and I don't know what I'm going to do

STOP READING MY PAPERS, POTTER, THIS IS PRIVATE

He left. I'm sure he read it, but

I guess I really lost him.

-Lily

P.S. Back in the dorm, James is nowhere to be found, and there's a fat envelope on my bed. Weird. I wasn't expecting any mail.

Oh. Wait.

"Letters from James Potter to Lily Evans AKA Evans AKA Beautiful That He Will Never Send, Vol XIII" is written on the back of the envelope.

Um.

Reading it now.

P.P.S. Oh. Oh Merlin.

I need to find James.