Chapter 19 – The Notebook

On the very first page was a letter to Skye;

Dear Skye,

I don't know if you'll ever read this, I hope that you will and that you will understand that I never meant you harm, but I doubt Fury will allow me to contact you or the team.

A lifetime ago I told you that I wasn't a good man and you disagreed but you were wrong and in time you came to see that. You didn't like the real me, you called me a monster and if you had loved someone like me I'm not sure I still could have loved you.

Coulson asked me to think about who I could be without Garrett and the truth is I don't know. I don't know who to be without orders, I've followed them all my life, my father's, my brother's, Garrett's and now I'm going to follow Fury's.

I don't know who to be without orders, but one day, if you ever get to read this, I hope to find out who I am without them, who I am with you.

Like I told you before I am not a good man, the difference is now I'm trying to be one.

G.W.

Skye read the letter three times, Ward must have written it just after he started working for Fury. Flicking through the pages Skye noticed that most of the notes were letters, some were to her reading more like diary entries than letters but each one ended the same, he was trying to be a better man, all for her. Every so often there was a letter to another member of the team, Skye would only skim the first line or so, these letters weren't meant for her. However even reading a single line from each letter made Skye's ache;

May,

I'm trying really hard not to hate you at the moment, but I know this is my fault…

Coulson,

I trying to figure out who I am, thanks for the advice…

Simmons,

I don't where to start with you…

Fitz,

I'm currently freezing my ass off in Russia. You're welcome…

Skye smiled, trust Ward not to start off with I'm sorry. Pausing the hacker wondered what Ward was doing in Russia, none of his letters to her had mentioned it yet he made a point of mentioning it to Fitz. Skye kept flicking, looking for answers and the back of the book she found them. The entries at the back of the book read more like half a conversation than letters. Skye realized that Ward must have used the book for communicating like he had used the cards with her.

The first note was a question;

Why would I?

Why would he what, the next entry confused Skye even more;

And you're Red Room.

Does that answer your question?

It took Skye a while to realize that someone had been questioning Ward's loyalty. The question was if they were questioning his loyalty to HYDRA or to Fury. Whoever it was Ward told them he was on their side, that much Skye could understand.

Ward had then asked his companion if they had ever been in love and what had happened. The next entry, however, made Skye's blood run cold;

Your ex shot you, twice, and deep down you still love him. Don't deny it. The girl I love set the Calvary on me, now I can't talk. Yet all I can think about is seeing her, saying sorry and maybe winning her back. Working with Fury gives me that chance. Working with HYDRA doesn't.

Natasha, Skye thought, Ward had been talking to Natasha, he was the other person she had talked to about her past. Natasha knew that Ward was out of jail and she had said nothing. The hacker kept reading, desperate for more answers;

Love means making someone else happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. She may never forgive me, I can live with that but finding this cure for Fitz will make her happy and that's a start.

Fitz's cure, Ward had helped Natasha get Fitz's cure out of Russia, that's why he'd been there, but why only tell Fitz about it, why not mention it in his letters to her. Knowing he helped Fitz would have helped Skye forgive him or at least put her on the road to forgiving him. Skye re-read the entry twice more before she read between the lines, Ward didn't want forgiveness, and he didn't think he deserved it. He couldn't forgive himself so Ward wasn't looking for forgiveness from anyone else. Ward wanted her to be happy and safe, everything else was second and negotiable, Skye's happiness wasn't.

Skye skim read the rest of the conversation with Natasha, they had debated about the cure. Skye was glad to see that Ward didn't trust Fury and a little worried that it seemed Natasha did. However it was the final entry that stood out to Skye, it told her that Ward's redemption was possible;

No more killing. I've done enough.

In her hurry Skye almost missed the letter on the last pages of the book, another one to her. From the writing, which was messier than before, she guessed that Ward had written it in a hurry. Most likely when she had been passed out in his bedroom;

Skye,

I've wondered if you would make it this far. That's of I've had the courage to give you this notebook in the first place.

Fury ordered me not to make contact but with your life in danger I had no choice. You are the only person I've ever questioned my orders for. In the instant your life was on the line my orders didn't matter, only you.

I've decided to ask Fury for the answers I need, not the ones he wants to give me and if he won't answer my questions I'll find another way to get answers. What is coming is coming for you and I need answers in order to protect you from it. However in order to fully to protect you, you need to trust me. I know I told you, or will tell you, that I don't need your trust but the truth is I want it. I want you to be able to trust me again and for that you need the truth, you need to know everything. So here goes…

Skye wiped away tears as she read about Ward's childhood, about his parents, his brothers and sister. She read about military school and burning down his family home and finally about how Garrett found him, broke Ward out of juvie then left him in the woods. Skye read everything and everything made her angry, not at Ward, him she felt sorry for. Skye was angry at everyone else, everyone who had let Ward slip through the cracks, and everyone who had let Garrett get his hands on Ward. Mostly she was angry at herself, angry for not listening to Ward when he'd tried to explain and for letting May beat a man who was already broken.

This time when Skye threw the notebook across the room the anger wasn't at Ward, it was for Ward.

Leaving the notebook on the floor Skye walked into her bathroom and sat next to the broken man on her floor. Pushing the hair off his face she kissed him on the forehead. Wiping the last of her tears from her face Skye smiled at the sleeping man, "I understand now, Grant," Skye kissed him again, this time on the lips, "Please don't leave me now that I understand."

Author's Note: Finally some answers (YAY!).

I am currently really annoyed with the internet, apparently people want Ward to be the villain in the next season or at least a recurring evil and I really want him to be redeemed (As you tell from this story), I just really weird or are there others out there who want Ward to be redeemed. I mean how can people like Natasha and Loki but think Ward is evil.

That's my rant over, sorry I just really needed to get that out.

Please review, there are some really important chapters coming up and I want to know what people think. I have exams starting this week so I might not be able to update as often, I will try to update every second day or so but I can't guarantee it, so bear with me.