Chapter 2: How to cook the biggest jerk with extra salt

Ikkaku groaned, leaning his head forward onto the lunch table. His head was pounding and he was cranky from lack of sleep. He supposed that he could call the dreams he'd been having 'nightmares'. They were disturbing, weird, and just plain exhausting. He hadn't gotten a restful night's sleep in a really long time.

Ikkaku could feel Yumichika patting his back and heard him asking something, but he didn't pay attention. He was just so tired. A few slaps to his shoulder and a couple punches came from his subordinates as they tried to jolt him into awareness, but he just grumbled at them.

Especially this thing with Yumichika visiting him nightly - that was bothering him the most. Maybe this whole 'stuck in dreams' and 'finding a solution' thing had to do with Yumichika himself. He appeared in every dream. Maybe that was because he hadn't found a way to get rid of him and pass this dumb test.

If the answer was to ask Yumichika out again, he was going to throw an absolute fit, because that meant his nightmares were going to go on forever.

What was worse was that he was starting to feel in his dreams. They were becoming so realistic that he could feel touch, pain especially, and - embarrassing as it was to admit - arousal.

He had almost died in his own dreams at least twenty times, and he was wondering what would happen if he did. Maybe he'd try it; maybe if he died in dreams, he'd die in real life, and then all of this ridiculousness could end. Screw a warrior's death. These dreams were fucking annoying.

"Are you okay?" Yumichika asked loudly. Ikkaku clutched at his ears, whining. "Why do you look so miserable?"

"I didn't get any sleep last night," Ikkaku mumbled, glaring at Yumichika. Fuck that vain bastard. Why did he have to fall in love with him, the most unattainable person on this godforsaken earth? He must be some sort of masochist, because this whole thing was just plain torture.

Ikkaku had thought he'd buried these feelings for good, but they were coming back to haunt him. He wasn't safe awake or asleep anymore. Damnit.

Well, he guessed it wasn't Yumichika's fault. He'd probably brought this on himself. Maybe it would help to be nicer to Yumichika. There's no way he can go wrong with being nice, right? They were already best friends, but being kinder might help Yumichika to like him more, and then he might have a fraction of a chance.

Oh yeah, right. He'd ask his mini-Yumichika what he thought about it, and maybe then he'd think about doing it. He didn't really want to have these dreams for the rest of his life.

So Ikkaku sighed and answered Yumichika as civilly as he could manage. "I stayed up late to finish making that stupid maze puzzle Hisagi wanted for Seireitei Communication." He rolled his eyes when Yumichika hummed in interest.

"He actually entrusted you with making one? Impressive." Yumichika actually looked impressed, which wasn't common these days. Ikkaku groaned, setting his head back down, but before he could lay it on the table, Yumichika slipped his hand under his forehead.

"Hey, get up." Ikkaku got up with a scowl, looking at Yumichika. "Where's the puzzle?" Yumichika wasn't normally interested with anything that had to do with him anymore. It was sad to think of how they'd grown apart over the course of this horrible year. Maybe he was just interested because the maze had to do with 'Shuuhei'. Ikkaku scowled. Damn that tattoo-faced bastard.

At least he could turn his anger on Hisagi and feel no guilt about it.

He tried to pretend that Yumichika had asked because he was concerned with him and his life, but he couldn't quite make it work, so he pouted a little, leaning on his elbow and hand. Ikkaku pulled out the maze from where he'd stowed it in his yukata and handed it to Yumichika. "Douzo," Ikkaku yawned, putting a hand over his mouth.

Yumichika held the crumpled sheet up in front of his face, turning it this way and that, trying to figure out which way was up. "What's this you scribbled all over it? Is this the solution?"

"I dunno', I couldn't find one."

Yumichika looked at him with annoyance."You made the maze yourself. Can't you solve it, you idiot?... You're supposed to make it with a solution."

"Geez, enough with the whinin', it's too early for this shit, Yumichika," Ikkaku grouched, stuffing his face with sticky rice in an effort to stop his headache. Chewing helped sometimes – and Yumichika usually stopped talking to him when his mouth was full, because he tended to answer whether he had food in his mouth or not.

"Oh, one more thing. Renji-kun's been looking for you. He said he needs to talk to you." Yumichika was looking at him with genuine concern now, which healed Ikkaku's inner wounds a little bit. He really wanted to bridge this gap that had appeared between them - they never spent any time together anymore and it made him really sad.

He fucking hated being sad. It made him feel completely pathetic and lonely.

"Oh yeah? I asked him ta' come over in a couple days – hope that's okay with ya'," he tacked on, trying to be considerate. He couldn't just spend forever waiting for Yumichika to reach out to him. Yumichika had followed him for years, and Ikkaku had just blindly trusted that he always would. He had found that he missed Yumichika's company, never having an opportunity to realize how much he'd valued it until it was gone. Ikkaku hoped that it would help if he reached out himself once in a while.

"Of course it's alright. I'll even make some snacks for you two if you like." Ikkaku grinned. Wow, seemed like it was working already. He was glad he didn't have heart problems, or he'd have been dead a long time ago with all this beat-skipping and fluttering and shit. "Just don't be too rowdy while I'm trying to sleep." Yumichika smiled at him just like he used to, with all that familiarity that he'd thought had disappeared. At that moment, Ikkaku felt strong enough to destroy a mountain.

Ikkaku had the stupidest grin on his face. He needed to get out of here before he said something really dumb.

"Yeah, yeah, like you need beauty rest, you moron." He got up from the lunch table, walking out, leaving Yumichika and his incredulous expression behind. Damn, he shouldn't've said that.

At least Yumichika had on a stupid smile now too.

Zaraki sent Ikkaku home early with orders to 'get some goddamn rest'. He could hardly fight in this state, getting cut all over the place and stumbling and shit. Rather than get pissed over his superior seeing him weak, he obeyed and went home for a forced vacation day.

He went to sit down on the couch and thought about reading Yumichika's 'Are you okay with that?' articles for Hisagi's newspaper, but he found that his eyes crawled over the page without reading and that he was yawning every few seconds, out of sleepiness of course, not because Yumichika's writing was boring. He heard a door open and suddenly thought it was a good idea to meditate, so he scooted off the couch and sat on the ground cross-legged.

After a few minutes of clear mind and steady breathing, he heard a hollow noise, like something had fallen on a metal plate. It had startled him after the long silence, and immediately he was worried about banging his legs into the coffee table in front of him, but when he opened his eyes, he found that he was in an empty metal room with curved walls. Yumichika was standing in front of him, tiny, with arms crossed and foot tapping away at the ground.

"What the hell. Where did you come from?"

"I didn't want to interrupt you, you're looking very sleepy these days. I wonder if you'd tell me what's troubling you?"

"I don't wanna' talk about it," Ikkaku griped. "How long have you been there?"

"Since you sat down," Yumichika replied.

"Did I call you again?" Ikkaku asked warily, remembering something Yumichika had said about only appearing when he was called.

"No."

"Then why are you here?" he asked suspiciously. Yumichika usually had some sort of motive that didn't involve him. This time he had seemed to appear, just wanting to be helpful. It was these kinds of dreams, however, that Yumichika was the least helpful.

"I miss you. Why don't you spend time with me anymore?" Yumichika asked with a hurt expression. "Don't you get lonely without me? Has my company finally become boring?"

"I can't talk to you like I used to," Ikkaku explained, much less reserved here than he was with the real Yumichika. "I'm feeling things that I'm not supposed to, and I don't want it to mess things up... Things are just fine right now, and I don't wanna' risk losing them."

"Losing what things?"

"Losing you, you jerk," Ikkaku said with a scowl as he held his hand out on the ground for Yumichika to get on.

"I see," said the little person with an expression he couldn't decipher. "You should consider being this honest with the other."

"The other what?"

"The other me," Yumichika said, climbing onto his hand, clinging to his thumb. Ikkaku blinked. Oh right, he was dreaming.

Rather than start an argument over why he couldn't talk about this with the real Yumichika, Ikkaku changed the subject.

"Where are we?" Ikkaku asked, standing up and looking around. He could feel a sudden shift in the dream-scape as he fully realized he was sleeping. Yumichika's attitude immediately changed as well, and everything around him felt a little more solid as he was locked into his dream. This was when everything would start going strange.

He was starting to realize that before he became fully lucid, the dream's events had more to do with his awake life: he had been thinking about not being able to talk to Yumichika earlier when he'd been at lunch. As he became stuck in his dream, things started to take their own strange twists and turns as his fantasies and subconscious fears took control of things.

"Ay', answer me. Where are we?"

"You tell me, you idiot, can't you recognize the inside of your own head?" Yumichika sassed, taking on his unhelpful unconcerned attitude.

"Shut up, Thumbelina, we're not in my head." Ikkaku kicked the sides of the round metal room they were inside of. There were no doors or windows, and he had no idea how they'd gotten in here. "I hear people outside," he mumbled, pressing his ear to the cold wall. He wondered if he should call out for someone to come get them, but thought better of it.

"Thumbelina? What the hell do you take me for?!" Yumichika screeched in indignance, tapping his foot against Ikkaku's palm. Ikkaku smooshed him, cupping him between his hands. "Hey! You're going to get stuck here! Stop!"

"Don't talk, you might draw unwanted attention." Yumichika wormed his torso through a gap in his fingers, pouting at him. Ikkaku brought him up to his face.

"And you don't? Mr. bald-tattoo-eyed-shouting-swordsman-basta-" Ikkaku shoved him back between his hands.

"If you're not gonna' give me advice on getting out of here, then be quiet or leave me alone."

"You're one to talk, you're the one who keeps bringing me here," Yumichika shouted, voice muffled by his fingers. "That makes you the biggest jerk. I can't leave once you think of me, you stupid-"

"Shut up! You said that I didn't call you this time!"

"Well you did by thinking of the other just then, so now we both can't leave, you idiot!" Yumichika yelled through his hand.

Ikkaku, on an angry whim, squeezed Yumichika really hard.

Yumichika didn't talk after that, and Ikkaku was horrified to find that blood was dripping out from his closed fist. Panicked, he opened his hand, but as he opened his hand, his eyes did too, and he was sitting on his couch, with drool on his cheek, Yumichika slapping his face telling him to get up.

"What, what do you want?" Ikkaku grumbled woozily, pushing at Yumichika's hands. That dream had been weird. That conversation they'd had at the beginning… What had that been about? It had seemed almost… realistic, and that disturbed him more than all of the other strange things that had happened. Then there was the matter of that horrible jerk in his gut when he'd seen how much he'd hurt Yumichika. His heart was taking a minute to slow down.

"Shh… I wondered why you let your dinner get cold. Come to bed, Ikkaku," Yumichika said softly, and Ikkaku realized that it was dark outside. "You're going to get a crick in your neck if you sleep there."

"Oh…" Ikkaku said, standing up, rubbing at his already-sore neck. "Thanks."

Yumichika looked at him in the dark for a moment. "I'm worried about you, Ikkaku…" He sighed, turning around and walking to their bedroom. "I'll listen if you need to talk."

"Everything's fine," Ikkaku said, ignoring the doll's advice, still a little shaky after awaking in such a fright. He'd… he'd fucking crushed Yumichika in his hand, and for what? What had he really done that for?

He rubbed at his eyes – he really needed to think things over, maybe get some medication. That talk with Renji couldn't come soon enough. He laid down in his futon, not bothering to change out of his uniform. It only took him a few moments of watching Yumichika's chest rise and fall for him to get back to sleep again.

He was there in that room again, with Yumichika in his hand. Maybe this was what Yumichika had meant by stuck – he was stuck in this scenario until he figured out a solution or an answer or something. Damn.

"Where are we?"

"You tell me, can't you recognize the inside of your own head?"

"This has happened before, hasn't it," Ikkaku mused. "I'd better not squeeze you anymore, huh?" Yumichika pursed his lips, staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, killing me has wizened you up now, has it?"

"Shh," Ikkaku said, walking around the metal room, thinking that he should look more carefully this time so he could start working out whatever dream-task he had to complete. "There's nothing in here, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"There's no doors. What the hell do you think that means, then?" Yumichika replied. Ikkaku ignored him, hitting the ground with his foot, frowning at the hollow sound it made. He jumped once and was surprised at the big gong noise that followed. So this room wasn't grounded - they were suspended above something, perhaps? Yumichika's face went green from what to him was a huge lurch.

"Put me down, I'm going to throw up.,"

"Sorry," Ikkaku said meekly, setting him on the metal ground. Yumichika started retching on his little hands and knees, only vomiting up what was a few drops of puke to someone of Ikkaku's size.

"Here," Ikkaku set his hand out again, feeling guilty. "Get on, I won't shake you anymore."

Yumichika sniffed, pale in the face. "I don't believe you. You look hungry to me." Yumichika crossed his arms, sniffing again and turning away from him in a sulking manner.

"I'm not gonna' eat you, what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that Hisagi is about to open the lid to this pot," Yumichika said as if it was information plain to everyone. He pointed up. "Obviously." Ikkaku figured this was another of those strange pieces of advice that Yumichika gave.

Sure enough, Ikkaku looked up at the ceiling, realizing that they were in a huge soup pot and that gigantic Hisagi was about to pour a box of chicken stock in on top of them.

"Oh shit, WAIT-" He snatched up the tiny Yumichika, and suddenly the room was flooded with bouillon. Ikkaku screamed, getting whooshed all over, barely able to stay on his feet.

After a moment of confusion, he spat out cold soup, wiping the salty yellowish liquid from his eyes. He was up to his armpits in the stuff, and poor little Yumichika looked completely pitiful, soaked and coughing up soup. "I told you to eat dinner last night, but you didn't, did you," Yumichika hacked, breath rattling, "and now look, we're going to be eaten by Hisagi."

For some reason, dream-Ikkaku was unconcerned by this whole situation and was more interested with Hisagi in general. "Why's Hisagi a giant?" He could hear a flickering noise outside, probably a stove burner getting turned on. Fuck, they were gonna' get cooked. Ikkaku suddenly realized he had bare feet, pressed against the still-cold metal base of the pot.

"He's not a giant. He's normal. You're small," Yumichika said, crossing his arms sassily, "Duh."

"Well then what are you?" Ikkaku asked in confusion, trying to stand without his feet slipping on the bottom of the pot.

"Extra small, obviously."

"Oh, okay, glad that's cleared up," he said sarcastically, but started screaming when Hisagi lifted the pot lid again and dropped in some chopped onions and other vegetables. They hit the soup like bombs, and the splashes nearly drowned him and the extra-small Yumichika.

Ikkaku coughed, noticing that the soup level had risen a bit, and that the bottom of the pot was starting to get warm. He looked up, stinging liquid getting in his eyes, and he started screaming again as Hisagi stuck in the biggest fucking wooden spoon he'd ever seen. Hisagi made a soup whirlpool as he stirred, and Ikkaku tried to hold Yumichika above the soup so that his advice-doll could breathe.

His feet were starting to get burnt already as the sides of the pot got warmed up from the fire. This was fucking messed up. How the hell was he supposed to escape from this?! The walls were too steep, slippery, and now too hot to even touch.

"Let us out of here, Hisagi, why are you trying ta' eat us?!" Ikkaku shouted up at apparently normal-sized Hisagi.

"Shh," Hisagi said with a frown, covering the pot again.

"You fucker! Answer me!" Ikkaku shouted in anger, feeling like punching something but having nothing but soup around him.

"He's on a date with Kira, and he needs a mix of your courage and my sensuality," Yumichika explained, trying to fix his sopping hair. Ikkaku looked at him, up to his shoulders, treading in Hisagi's soup.

After a quiet moment with only the sound of soup waves hitting the walls of the pot, Ikkaku stared at Yumichika some more. "He probably's adding you just to kill you."

"Fine, you jerk, get out of the soup dream yourself, I'm leaving," Yumichika said, twisting his little body to face the other way inside Ikkaku's fist.

"Leaving where? We can't fucking get out of here!" Ikkaku screeched at the little doll, chucking him at the wall on a sudden angry impulse. Damn him. He knew how to get out of here, but he'd rather get boiled alive than just tell him how.

Yumichika smacked into the wall like a pancake, and slid down the hot side of the pot slowly, leaving a trail of blood behind.

"Fuck," Ikkaku said, slowly being drowned by the rising level of hot soup that was mixing with a sea of Yumichika's blood. Now how was he going to get out? Why'd he have to go and do that? "What are you gonna' do to me?"

"Huh?" said Hisagi, opening up the pot lid to peer in at him. He was wearing a stupid frilly apron and had something smeared on his face. Ikkaku realized that the pot was filling up and that he couldn't touch the bottom of the pot with his feet anymore, forcing to tread in the soup.

"What are you gonna' do to-"

"Salt you!" Hisagi shouted, taking the lid off of a salt shaker and dumping the whole thing into the pot.

"Wait, it doesn't need anymore salt, look at all this blood!" he shouted, but it was too late, the salt had been stirred in, and Hisagi was milling around somewhere out of his field of vision, probably chopping more vegetables.

"Kira's gonna' hate your soup, Hisagi," he said to himself quietly, taking a little sip of the lukewarm stew. "It tastes awful." He could hear Hisagi outside of the pot chuck something on the floor in anger.

"Frick, why'd you have to ruin it, Ikkaku? It's all bloody, what's wrong with you?!" Ikkaku frowned. How on earth had Hisagi heard that?

Aw fuck, he'd killed Yumichika. How was he gonna' get out of here now? He was stuck in this stupid soup dream, and he was gonna' get eaten by Kira and Hisagi on their stupid date.

"I didn't think he'd ruin the taste, quit yelling at m-" He inhaled a mouthful of soup, choking and suddenly sitting up in bed, coughing hard.

Yumichika was looking at him strangely, putting on his uniform. "You've been talking and coughing all night. You don't sound so good, I think you should stay in bed."

"Mm," Ikkaku said, blinking sleepily. He had no desire to go back to that stupid dream, but he was even more averse to drag himself into work today.

"You said something about adding me to kill me." Ikkaku stared at him, probably with a comical expression on his face. "Did I die in your dream? I hear if you die in dreams, you die in real life."

"Don't make me kick you, Yumichika," Ikkaku grumbled darkly, rolling over in bed and pulling the covers over his head. Yumichika had better not be right, because he was probably going to die the next time he got stuck in Hisagi's dumb-ass soup.

"You're just lucky that you don't have to work today, or I would pick on you all day about your weird sleep talking."

Ikkaku didn't answer, staying underneath the blankets. He'd killed Yumichika again in his soup-dream; he hadn't learned anything. Why hadn't it bothered him that he'd hurt Yumichika so bad? He'd fucking crushed him on the side of a pot, probably breaking his little spine. Geezo' pete, he was gonna' get stuck in that stupid dream again – what if Yumichika didn't show up next time?

When he saw Hisagi later that day when he went to get some lunch, he hurriedly passed by him without saying hello. He needed to get some rest.