Author's Note: And we're back! And ya'll didn't have to wait all that long, right? This whole Twilight thing still doesn't belong to us - SM owns it all. Sad but true.
The good news is that we both now own the Remember Me DVD. And ConfettiRainfall is up here visiting with me (YAY!), and I'm all bouncy about it. So, once we post this chapter, we'll be off to watch Eclipse again while ya'll read this chapter.
Enjoy!
3. Let's talk, shall we?
BPOV
I tossed and turned restlessly, willing myself to sleep. Eventually I dozed off, only to find myself in Edward's arms. His eyes captivated my gaze and he smiled back at me adoringly. His hands were on my breasts, kneading, tugging and pulling on my nipples. My legs were wrapped around his waist, and I could feel him thrust into me, again and again. His mouth lowered and he captured one of the stiffened peaks with his lips, running his tongue around it. Again, he thrust his hips forward, powerful and strong. Nothing in the world was as wonderful as Edward filling me so totally and completely.
"Come for me, Bella," he whispered against my mouth just as the wave crested and I fell over the edge, moaning and panting his name.
And then he was gone.
Instead of Edward holding me in his arms, Rosalie stood before me, her eyes filled with hate as she glared down at me.
"I told you to stay away from my brother!" she shrieked, grabbing my hair and yanking me up from the bed.
Quickly I grabbed at the sheet, trying to cover my nudity, but she snatched it away.
"No!" she shouted. "You're leaving here looking like the whore you are," she screeched, opening a door and throwing me out into the bright sunlight.
I stood there, stunned, unable to move. After a moment, I looked around to see where I was. I tried to cover myself, but it was useless. For a second, I was relieved that no one seemed to be around when from out of nowhere Edward appeared.
I started walking toward him, but stopped short as I realized his eyes were vicious, filled with anger and hate.
"Rose was right," he sneered. "You are nothing but a slut. I was young and naive, but now I see the truth – I didn't love you then and I certainly don't love you now. You were good for one thing, though – at least you were a decent fuck."
I shot up in my bed, gasping for air as my heart shattered. The nightmare had shaken me to my core. I tried to breathe as my body shook and trembled with doubt, fear and overwhelming anxiety. Tears were once again streaming down my face when suddenly I heard a noise.
I wiped my eyes, struggling to make out what it was, but didn't hear anything else.
I fell back onto my pillow. After that horrible dream, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again any time soon so I got out of bed, turning on the light and walking to the bathroom to wash my face.
I stopped me dead in my tracks when his voice broke through the silence.
"Bella, it's me, Edward. Sorry I'm late. Please open the door."
Edward was here.
Or was he?
I was unsure if I was really awake. He couldn't be here. He had rejected me.
He got his revenge, and I would never see him again.
I took another breath, my hands still shaking when I decided to peek out the window. It was dark and I couldn't see anything.
Wait. Who's that?
The light from the street lamp illuminated a dark figure retreating back to the front of the house.
I blinked, not sure if I was imagining things.
Could it be him?
Hesitantly, I made my way to the top of the staircase, millions of questions running through my mind.
Where has he been?
Why is he so late?
What the hell does he want now, after making me wait for hours?
How does he truly feel about me? Is his lateness a sign?
If he's as happy as he claims, why the fuck is he so late?
Can you blame him, Bella? After you practically ran from him?
Will he ever forgive me?
Slowly and quietly, I tiptoed downstairs, hoping not to wake James. As I reached the front door, I leaned against it, feeling wary and unsure of why he would come here so late.
Perhaps he just wants to pour salt in the wound.
You're an idiot – why would he come at all if he only intended to hurt you? That has already been accomplished, hasn't it?
I snorted mirthlessly down my nose.
He wants you – let him explain.
I slowly turned the knob with a shaky hand and opened the door. For what seemed like an eternity, neither one of us spoke as Edward stood stock still, staring at me. I was afraid to learn what he wanted, or didn't want, from me. His face seemed devoid of emotion and without thinking, his name escaped my lips like a prayer.
"Edward."
And with that, he stepped inside the doorway, pulling me into his arms as he kissed my forehead and rubbed his warm hands up and down my back. My body began to respond to his touch, just as it always did, but I really needed to know what had happened. My heart told me to stay while my head insisted I retreat.
You're afraid he'll hurt you like you hurt him.
And there was the truth. I never meant to break his heart. I had been certain my decision had been one of self-preservation. I thought I had it all figured out, but I had been wrong, so very wrong. I sighed internally.
"I'm sorry, baby, I know I'm late. May I come in?" Edward begged. "Please, Bella, I was at Rose's and lost track of time. I'm so sorry. Please, let me in," he said. As he continued his ramblings, my brain tried to make sense of his words.
I backed away from him slowly, staring into his eyes. I was afraid to believe he could still want me; the mere mention of Rose's name sent chills up my spine as my nightmare returned to the forefront of my mind with a vengeance. I shivered, trying to determine whether or not to trust his words. Perhaps that was the reason why he was late. I knew Rose hated me; her dressing down at the ball field had been proof of that, not that I could blame her.
Perhaps Edward was better off without me.
He'll leave you eventually.
Perhaps that was true, but I would never push Edward away again, regardless of what Rose thought or said to me. For as long as he wanted me, I would be his.
"Okay," I finally said, taking a step further into the house.
Edward took my hand as we slowly walked into the house together. I knew we needed to talk, but I was exhausted. We couldn't go to my room; we'd be much too close to James so I walked into the living room with Edward following close behind.
As we sat down on the couch, Edward turned to me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, cupping my cheek with one of his strong hands.
I looked into his eyes. Could I actually tell Edward why I had cried? Could I share with him what memories had been resurrected by his delayed arrival? Should I tell him about my nightmare?
What happened to you being honest with him?
I shook my head. Fear was still holding me back.
"Edward, it's late," I hedged, knowing that if we started the conversation we'd be up all night rehashing the past. "Can't we just sit here for a while?"
I reached up, placing my hand over the one he had on my cheek, nuzzling my face further into his palm.
"Bella, please. Tell me why were you crying?" He had a determined expression on his face, yet I wasn't sure I was ready to lay myself bare for him, no more than I had already, but he deserved the truth.
Yeah, he does. He's waited fourteen years for it, remember?
I released my hold of his hand and it dropped to his lap.
"This is a conversation that will take some time," I said quietly, looking down and fidgeting with the hem of my t-shirt before feeling Edward's fingers under my chin, lifting my face up to meet his. His gaze was intense.
"Love, I'm not going anywhere. We have all the time you need." His voice was reassuring, his eyes meeting mine steadily.
I willed myself to relax.
"I didn't think you were coming," I admitted, tears gathering in my eyes before I had even finished speaking. "I thought that...that maybe...you had changed your mind."
I gulped for air, nearly choking on the words as feelings of abandonment rolled over me in waves. Memories of my mother crashed into my mind.
Flashback:
I hadn't seen or heard from my mother since she'd left my dad and me. We never talked about her, but I missed her terribly. I didn't understand what I had done to make her hate me enough to leave us. I was only six, but my birthday was only a couple days away and my grandparents, who I now lived with, were having a big party for me. I was excited about it, but missed my mom.
"Bella," Grandma Swan called out. "There's a phone call for you."
She didn't seem very happy, but I didn't know why as I reached for the telephone.
"Hello?"
"Bella, baby! How are you?"
I couldn't believe whose voice I heard on the other end of the phone. I could almost feel my heart pounding in my chest.
"Mommy! Where are you? Are you coming to my party? I miss you! I want to see you!" I was excited to hear my mother's voice, unable to contain my enthusiasm.
"Calm down," she said laughing. "I just talked with your grandma, and she told me all about it. Of course I'll be there."
We talked more, but I was just so thrilled that I'd get to see her again I didn't really remember the rest of our conversation. My party was only two days away and then I'd get to see my mom again.
End Flashback
That was the first time my mother didn't show up, but it wasn't the last. In fact, for most of my life, Renee had been nothing more than a big disappointment, and I knew my issues of worthlessness and fear of abandonment were due to the fact that she had always put herself before me.
After all, if I wasn't worthy of my own mother's love, why should anyone else love me? Especially someone like Edward, who could have anyone?
His voice broke through the depressing memories.
"Sweetheart, why didn't you just call me?" he asked as if it was the most obvious question in the world.
I bristled a little at the accusation in his voice, but answered honestly. "At first I thought you were just running late," I said, pausing before narrowing my eyes at him. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I was having dinner with Emmett and Rose and completely lost track of time," he replied, and his voice held a note of anxiety, as if he was hiding something.
And then I realized why he was here. He was going to tell me we were through, that our future was over before it had even begun again. I scrambled away from him, inadvertently ramming my back against the armrest of the couch in my haste to put space between us.
"Ow! Shit!" I said a bit too loudly. I immediately stilled, rubbing my back as I listened for any movement upstairs, hoping that James hadn't woken up. There was utter silence coming from the second floor. Thankful that my son was still asleep, I looked over at Edward. A bewildered expression spread across his face.
"Damn it, Bella. Stop pulling away from me," he said, sounding annoyed.
With those words, memories from fourteen years ago flooded my mind when the illusion that Edward and I would be together forever had been crushed and turned to dust.
"It's a hard habit to break," I muttered.
Edward continued to stare at me, appearing rather irritated.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
I took a very deep breath. "Edward, remember that conversation you had with Rose the Spring of our senior year when you finally decided to go to UM?"
He immediately became apprehensive, his body stiffening.
"I had lots of conversations with Rose about college," he mumbled, and I knew he was evading an honest answer so I pushed for more.
"This was the one – Rose was very excited. Don't you remember her mentioning all the hot college babes you would meet, and how all the girls just loved football players," I spat bitterly.
My hand crept up to my chest and rubbed the skin through my shirt – trying to ease the pain in my heart as I remembered overhearing that particular conversation. I had never been good enough for Edward, not then and certainly not now. I had always believed he would be better off without me and that day Rosalie confirmed my greatest fears.
Edward's mouth opened and closed, but there was no sound as he stared at me, dumbfounded. I could feel being pulled under by all my fears and the never-ending pain of abandonment, the insecurity and unworthiness that had for so long been a part of my life.
As he reached to touch my hand, I instinctively pulled away.
"Bella, what the hell?" he asked angrily and a little too loudly.
"Geesh, be quiet," I whispered forcefully. "You're going to wake James."
I stood up, walking over to the bottom of the staircase, listening for any sound, but it seemed he was still sleeping. I returned to the living room, but felt like I needed space so I sat in the armchair across from the couch. He stared at me in disbelief, and I could see him becoming more and more agitated as his brows furrowed and his fists clenched.
"You have not changed at all, have you?" he hissed angrily, gritting his teeth. "I have no idea what you think you overheard, and I don't understand why you withdrew from me then, and I sure as hell don't know why you're doing it now. If you're not sure about us, I can't do this again. I won't, Bella – I cannot live through another fourteen years like this. I just...I can't."
Edward shook his head as he stood up. "Bella, I love you, but I won't let you put me through this again."
His words, though spoken in anger, actually ignited a flicker of hope inside me. So, I had a choice to make. Let him go because of my fears or try to make him understand what had prompted me to release him all those years ago. I was still fairly certain he'd eventually leave me anyway, but I had to at least try to give us a chance. And give him the choice, because if I let him walk out now, I was again making that choice for him, wasn't I?
"Edward," I said, just loud enough to get his attention. "There's a lot to tell, and if you want to hear it, please come back. However, if you'd rather go, I'll understand."
A tear trickled down my cheek as I spoke those words – it was his choice, it always had been. He had just never realized it. He may have thought I hadn't given him a choice the first time, but he was wrong. He had made his choice, forcing me to make mine. This time, however, there would be no doubt. I would tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If he still wanted to go after that, I would not stop him.
Before I realized it, I found myself in Edward's arms as he pulled me up from the chair, against his body. I laid my cheek on his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. We stood there for a moment before his hands came to my face, bringing his lips to mine. I knew it would be so easy to get carried away, our bodies seemed to be physically in tune with each other even if our brains were a million miles apart.
Which was exactly the reason that we needed to talk. Using all the willpower I could muster, I finally broke our kiss, but didn't pull away – I just stood there, looking up at him.
"Come," I whispered. "Let's talk."
EPOV
The instant Bella mentioned the conversation with Rose, I knew exactly what she was referring to. No decision either before or since had caused me so much anguish. The day I agreed to accompany my sister to the University of Miami, leaving Bella to attend the University of North Carolina without me was by far the most difficult and painful decision I had ever made. Abandoning my plans with Bella and choosing Rose had filled me with anxiety like nothing else had up to that point in my life.
There were two reasons I had succumbed to my sister's wish. The first was that we had never been apart. We may have been fraternal twins, but we were probably closer than most identical twins. We were inseparable, but never more so then after our mother's death. I had vowed that Rose would never feel that kind of pain – the pain of losing someone – again. There really was no choice. I had to go with her, but having to choose my sister's well-being over that of the love of my life broke my heart.
It was the second reason, that allowed me to sleep at night.
I had been certain that no matter what, Bella and I would be together. Well, at least that was what I'd thought at the time. I knew it would be difficult, but I was sure that we could withstand the distance. I'd even checked into the prices of plane tickets for long weekends so I could be with Bella – after all, she was my reason for living. The best news came when Emmett got accepted to UM. He had been on a waiting list which had ultimately forced my hand to agree to go to UM, but once Emmett received his acceptance, I immediately called UNC hoping that my space was still available.
I was sadly disappointed.
I was informed that since I'd advised them that I wouldn't be attending, they had immediately released my spot to someone else. They told me that provided I made decent grades during my time at UM, I was almost guaranteed to be accepted as a transfer student the following year.
I was determined to make our relationship work, and I couldn't wait to tell Bella. I knew she was disappointed, but it was only one year, and I'd visit as often as possible. I had tried to reassure her that I'd call every day and visit every possible chance I got, but she seemed to drift away from me as soon as I had given her the news that I would attend UM, and I didn't understand why. I loved her with all my heart.
Sure, girls always tried to flirt with me, and while the attention I received from them was flattering, I never really paid them much mind. The only one for me was Bella, and I seemed to be losing her before we even had to leave for college.
Then came the awful day that she broke me, shredding my heart into thousands of pieces, nearly leaving me for dead. The memories of that horrible moment were still vivid in my mind so when she pulled away from me as we sat on her couch, I nearly flipped out.
I could not believe she was doing this to me.
Again.
To make matters worse, after she got up to check on her kid, she walked back into the room and sat in the armchair. Not next to me – on the fucking other side of the room! I couldn't take her rejection anymore – I wouldn't survive it and to me, her actions spoke volumes. She had shattered my heart and my life before, and the limbo I'd been in for fourteen fucking years had nearly killed me.
Nothing had changed. Nothing at all. Bella was still pulling away, and I could feel that I was losing her again.
Suddenly, I had enough.
I couldn't allow myself to fall again.
Too late, fucker.
I could see clearly for the first time in fourteen years, and although I knew I would be devastated in the foreseeable future, I would not allow her to take me down like she had before. If she wasn't dedicated to us, I would walk right out the door.
Good luck with that!
Shut the fuck up!
"You have not changed at all, have you?" I spat irately, gritting my teeth in complete frustration. "I have no idea what you think you overheard, and I don't understand why you withdrew from me then, and I sure as hell don't know why you're doing it now. If you're not sure about us, I can't do this again. I won't, Bella – I cannot live through another fourteen years like this. I just...I can't."
I was fuming. I needed to leave. I could feel my chest cracking open again as I stood up. I couldn't even look at her, the need to run so great that when I spun on my heels, I nearly tripped over the throw rug. I was halfway to the door when I heard her voice calling my name in what sounded like desperation.
It brought me up short.
"There's a lot to tell," she whispered. "And if you want to hear it, please come back. However, if you'd rather go, I'll understand."
I wasn't sure I could go through this with Bella again, and I was fairly certain that Rose would not be so generous with her time and support if I allowed my heart to be ripped to shreds by Bella a second time around. My mind ran through the past fourteen years as I recalled all the pain, the loneliness and the emptiness.
In that instant I knew I had to take a chance because I also remembered the love, the happiness and the profound joy I had felt when I'd run into her again just a few days ago.
I had never stopped loving Bella.
She had made a terrible mistake by leaving, and I would not follow in her footsteps. In that moment, moving faster than I thought humanly possible, I returned to her side, pulling her into an embrace as I promised myself I would never let her go again.
The warmth of her body against mine caused an immediate reaction. My mind and heart may have been wary of our reunion, but other parts of my anatomy jumped to attention. It was as if our bodies spoke a language all of their own. I told myself we needed to talk, but all I really wanted to do was to basically tear our clothes off and fuck us both into oblivion.
I felt her weight shift ever so slightly, causing her to rub against me and with no further thought, I took her face in my hands and kissed her soundly. She responded hesitantly, and I could sense that she wasn't quite into this as much as I had hoped.
Yeah – we need to talk. I probably should have stopped kissing her at that point but I needed to feel her. For once, Bella was stronger than me as she ended our kiss and looked up at me.
"Come. Let's talk," Bella said quietly.
I refused to let go of her, afraid she would disappear, so I kept my arm around her and escorted her back toward the sofa. I sat down, pulling Bella down on my lap. She started to move, but I hugged her tightly.
"Stay here. Please," I whispered. "I need to feel you." I locked eyes with her, and a smile slowly spread across her face.
"I think we'd be more comfortable if we laid on the couch together," she whispered in reply.
Yes, please! Lay right on top of me, baby. Anytime you want.
Fuck, shut up, you horny bastard.
"Yes, I agree, but would we actually talk in that position?" I asked, chuckling.
Bella giggled before answering. "We will. We need to."
I heard her sigh as she stood up, taking a seat next to me as she curled into my side.
Whatever you say, baby...come lie on top of me. No, not next to me...damn it...on top of me!
Ah, fuck. This is probably better for the actual talking part.
Hide the boner, dude.
Shut up. How old are you?
I slipped off my shoes, extended my legs and propped my feet up on her coffee table before looking over at her questioningly. She nodded, a smirk on her lips as she placed one hand on my thigh and the other on the side of my chest as she furthered leaned against me. It felt so perfect to have her in my arms. I could have sworn that I actually purred. I heard Bella giggle as I felt my dick twitch. I closed my eyes, willing away the hard-on in my pants, breathing in the scent of her perfume.
Hell, that sure as shit didn't help, you idiot. Sniff her some more, why don't you.
Quick, think of Emmett in a bikini.
Yeah, that did it.
I cleared my throat. "Would you like to begin?"
After a moment or two, Bella nodded.
"After overhearing your conversation with Rosalie, I realized that she wanted to break us up."
"What? Why would she do that?" I asked, totally taken aback. Rose liked Bella back then. She would never have done anything to sabotage my happiness. I was certain of it.
"Well, why else would she insist on you following her when she had Emmett?" Bella asked hesitantly.
"Emmett hadn't been accepted at that point, sweetheart. He was still on the waiting list," I replied.
"Oh," she frowned, quiet for a moment before continuing. "Why would she encourage you with thoughts of all the college girls who loved football players?"
"Bella, she was just joking. I don't think Rose ever realized how deep my feelings for you were until you –" I broke off.
Fuck. Well done, Masen. Made her cry again.
Asshole!
"I'm so sorry," Bella sobbed into my shirt, and I could feel her tears soaking through to my skin. Not the most pleasant feeling, but I pulled her closer anyway, hugging her tight. I felt like a complete shit.
Make it better, fast!
Roger that.
"You're here now," I mumbled into her hair, kissing the top of her head. For a moment I felt like a fucking teenager because my dick just wouldn't let up, badgering me to free him from the confines and bury him where he wanted to be most. Which would be entirely counterproductive to the current situation.
Bella and I really needed to talk about the past and lay it all out, even though it would be painful – many unresolved issues would be brought to the surface, but we both needed to understand what happened so that we wouldn't repeat the past.
She eventually stopped crying and was silent for a while, tracing patterns on my thigh with her finger as I mentally urged her to move her hand higher and a little to the right. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding when Bella looked up at me.
"Sorry," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. I almost gasped at her. Little minx knew exactly what she was doing to me.
I nearly threw her down on the couch, taking her right then and there, but if her son found us in such a compromising situation, Bella would likely be mortified. And to be honest, I sure as hell didn't want the little guy to see his coach butt-naked either.
The thought was nearly enough to make my hard-on disappear, but then Bella shifted again and I was reduced to throbbing need.
Fuck! This shit ain't happening.
Get her off your lap.
No, just get her off!
Shut the fuck up, you stupid dick!
I may be a dick but I ain't stupid...you want it, don't you?
Go away. Think of Emmett. Hell, think of Rosalie on top of Emmett.
Nothing is gonna make me disappear until I see the inside of Bella's-
SHUT UP!
Maybe I needed to go home. She didn't really seem in the mood to talk, and if I stayed much longer I would not be able to control myself.
"Are you tired? Maybe I should leave," I said dolefully.
"No! Please don't. I am tired, but we need this – I need this," she answered. "And you need to understand the place where I was coming from."
I looked at her and nodded, waiting for her to continue.
"Um, my mother had already left by the time I met you, and Charlie couldn't take care of me," Bella said, pausing momentarily.
"I remember. You lived with your grandparents." I could see such pain in her eyes and wondered what she had kept locked deep inside, hidden away from even me all those years ago.
That pain was also what finally shrank the rabble rouser in my pants. He went into hiding.
"Renee called periodically, always promising to visit – especially for the holidays and my birthday. Her empty promises seemed to grow exponentially larger over the years as did the pain each and every time she failed to call or show up."
I felt Bella shiver in my arms as she spoke, and instinctively I pulled her closer. I had never met Bella's mother, and I was finally beginning to understand why.
"Between my abandonment issues regarding my mom and the fact that my father was emotionally unavailable, I suppose I've always felt insecure," she murmured.
I sat speechless, totally dumbfounded by what I'd heard. I never would have described Bella as insecure – in fact, absolutely the opposite. After a few minutes I found my words.
"You always seemed so happy when we were together," I said, tilting her head up so I could see into her eyes.
"It was because of you. It was always you," she whispered, stretching up to kiss me. As much as I wanted to continue talking, I couldn't resist her. The electrical current that had always passed between us was still there even after everything we'd been through and the kiss, although it started out tender, quickly became heated.
Cue the snake raising his head again. Fuck!
That's the idea, buddy.
Before I knew what had happened, Bella was straddling my lap and, without thinking, my hips bucked up. The rational part of me screamed at us to stop and talk about this like the adults we were supposed to be, but my body simply reacted the same way it always had to Bella – instant, raging need.
And just like I was fighting the conflicting needs, Bella seemed to be at war with herself, too, as her kisses became more hesitant one minute, then forceful again the next. In one moment she began to pull away, and then in another she lowered herself back down on my lap, rubbing against me.
I couldn't hold back the moan that escaped my lips as I threw my head back and closed my eyes, willing my body to stop. I knew Bella would be upset with herself and in turn, with me, if we proceeded, but I needed her so badly. Before I could change my mind or lose my determination, I moved my hands to her waist, trying to still her motions before I combusted.
"Talk?" I asked breathlessly.
"Mmmm, yeah. 'Kay," Bella whispered, sounding more seductive than she should.
We looked at each other, knowing what we wanted, but understanding what was needed as we both inhaled deeply at the same time.
"Let's sit down."
We both moved so Bella could curl up against me. I made a point of keeping my dick far away from where it wanted to be, so this talk could actually happen.
Bella took a deep breath.
"After being on the receiving end of disappointment after disappointment from my mother, I had a fairly good idea of what was coming after graduation," she whispered sadly. "It was difficult enough to handle all of Renee's broken promises, but I knew I'd never survive the same disappointment from you. I couldn't bear the agony of knowing that you'd try to promise me the world only to leave me once we started college. I understood the reality of being so far apart, and I knew that Rose planned on hooking you up with someone new. And just as my parents had tried hard and meant well, one day you would ultimately abandon me, too. It was just how things worked for me. I expected it to happen."
I wanted to kick myself in the ass. And then kick hers right after that.
I had never shared with her the numerous conversations I'd had with the UNC admissions office about my plans to transfer. I never told her that I planned on flying up to see her at least once a month. Still, more disconcerting was her belief that I would leave her, forget her just like her mother.
"Bella, do you not understand my love for you at all?" I asked, totally pissed off that she would think so lowly of me and how much she meant to me. "I suppose we're both guilty of not talking with each other, but I can't believe you made the unilateral decision to end us because you thought I'd act like your mother. I can't believe you did that. I was planning on transferring!"
I nearly yelled at that point, angry at Bella's assumptions and flabbergasted at the same time that our lack of communication, from both ends, seemed to have been the reason for this agonizing break-up and the pain I had existed with for the last fourteen years.
Not that I didn't want her, or she didn't want me. No, this whole shit could have been completely avoided if we had only fucking talked to each other.
"You...wait. What did you say?" she asked, appearing absolutely stunned at my admission.
"Once Emmett got accepted to UM, I tried to get my spot back at UNC, but it had already been given to someone else. From what the admission's officer told me, it would have been fairly easy for me to transfer the following year. I mean, we would have been at different schools for a couple of semesters, but I was planning on visiting you at every possible opportunity. I had plans for us," I said, nearly choking on my words.
It had taken us fourteen fucking years to get us talking about our fears and concerns – something we should have done way back when we were discussing our college options. All this pain had been for no reason at all. All these years of separation, of feeling this black hole in my chest, of keeping to myself, always on the outside looking in, did not have to happen.
Bella getting married to some other fucker and having a kid with him didn't have to happen. That should be my kid upstairs. If only we had talked.
If only.
Famous last words.
And I'd be damned if my eyes didn't start watering at that realization.
Bella looked at me as tears welled up in her eyes. She shook her head as she began sobbing in earnest. "I didn't know. I thought –"
I pulled her onto my lap as she laid her head on my shoulder. I tried to settle her down, rubbing her back, but I couldn't help but wonder if she was finally realizing the far-reaching impact of that one decision. A part of me wanted to be angry at her, but I had been there and it hadn't done any good. We had both made mistakes. I never realized how insecure she really was, and she didn't understand my complete and utter devotion to her.
It seemed that somehow she believed I would have been better off without her, and I had believed that she really didn't want me. The mistake she had made had haunted both of us for years, but looking back wouldn't undo the damage. All we could do now was move forward.
The one lingering question I had was how had she been able to move on when I couldn't. I needed an answer to that question, but decided to help her try to find some peace tonight. We'd confronted enough demons for one day.
I stood up, holding her close to me before letting go and laying down on her couch, stretching my legs out in front of me. I tapped my chest.
"Come lay with me for a while."
Bella smiled as she lowered herself on top of me. I wrapped my arms around her, stroking her hair and her back, trying to relax her. It was late and we'd both been through a lot in a short period of time. There was still much to go over, but for now, just being together was all we needed.
Bella whispered, "This is nice."
"Yes, it is," I replied quietly. "Relax, Bella. I'm here now."
"Mmm hmm," she mumbled.
I listened as our breathing patterns meshed into one, and I heard her heart beat in rhythm with mine. I knew I shouldn't stay the night, but after a few minutes Bella was sound asleep. Tightening my arms around her, my own eyelids grew heavy.
I must have fallen asleep without meaning to. When I next opened my eyes, the room was dark and I was alone, still on the couch, with a blanket pulled over me. I looked around the room for a moment, then extricated myself from the covers and got up. Rolling my sore neck, I wandered into the kitchen, hoping to find a clock of some sort to see what time it was.
Shit, six already. God, need coffee.
I heard water running upstairs so I assumed Bella was taking a shower. I didn't want to leave without seeing her first, so after I flipped on the kitchen light, I began to look around for a coffee pot. After locating that and some coffee, I quickly put on a full pot, not sure how much coffee Bella still drank. Back in high school, she usually wouldn't function at all without drinking at least two cups prior to me picking her up.
Once the coffee was brewing, I snooped around the cabinets and located two mugs. After setting them on the counter, I searched for and found a half bath off the dining area. I ducked in there to throw some water on my face and swish some around my mouth, wishing for a toothbrush which led to an erratic thought of depositing one in her bathroom for my next visit.
Getting ahead of yourself, Masen? What's next – a change of clothes in her closet?
Ignoring the voice in my head, I walked back into the kitchen where I saw Bella leaning against the counter. As soon as she saw me, she set down her cup and slowly walked toward me. There still seemed to be some hesitancy in her eyes. Well, we couldn't have that so I picked her up in a tight embrace, swinging her around just a little.
Bella giggled quietly.
"Good morning, sweetheart," I whispered, kissing her cheeks and neck before working my way to her lips.
"Good morning to you, too," she replied happily. "Oh, and thanks for the coffee."
"No problem, love," I answered as I watched her blush. Bella had always been beautiful, but she had become absolutely stunning over the years. I released my hold on her as I walked over to the counter, pouring myself a cup of coffee.
"How did you sleep?"
"Umm..." she mumbled hesitantly.
"Sore?" I asked with a wink.
"Yeah, a little. Sorry. I didn't actually mean to fall asleep on you."
"It's okay – my back is aching, too," I said, chuckling as I stretched.
"As much as I love you, you are not a comfortable bed." She smiled at me.
"Well, perhaps next time you'll invite me to your room," I teased. "I won't mind."
Bella laughed. "Uh-huh...I'm sure you won't."
"Would you?"
There was a beat of silence before she answered.
"Uh...no, I don't mind either."
"I love you." I took the few steps to her and pulled her against me once more. A quick kiss rapidly turned into a full-blown make-out session, our hands moving all over, touching, caressing, grabbing one another.
I stepped between her legs, pushing her back against the counter. Bella moved one leg up to my hip and one of my hands landed on her perfect ass without any conscious thought, pulling her forward, pressing my rapidly growing erection directly into the junction between her leg. Bella moaned and pulled on my hair.
Oh yeah.
Let's do this.
And he was back, in full glory, straining against the zipper of my jeans.
"Fuck, Bella," I groaned, shifting my hips forward. Her heel was pressing into the back of my thigh, pushing me harder into her.
"Edward...we have to...not now...I...fuck, I want you...but..."
I knew I needed to leave before her kid woke up, and slowly I came back to my senses. Right about that time, I thought I heard a door open upstairs. I pulled back and looked at Bella, trying to catch my breath. Somehow, my hand would not obey and stayed put, squeezing the firm cheek.
"Bella," I said, panting. "What about your son?"
She cocked her head to one side, listening. "I don't think he's awake yet, but he should be any minute. He gets up kinda early."
"I guess I should get going, huh? I'll finish my coffee and then head home. That okay?"
"Sure, that's fine," she replied, not meeting my eyes. I didn't know whether her uneasy response meant I should leave right away, or if she didn't want me to leave at all. I released her and sat down on one of the stools, leaning my elbows on the breakfast bar as I sipped my coffee. Bella leaned against the counter, playing with the mug in her hand. The silence started to feel awkward. I looked at the clock and saw that it was nearly six-thirty.
Deciding I should head out before James came down, I stood up, walked over to the sink and rinsed out my cup.
"I'll call you later, okay?" I asked and she nodded her assent, still not looking at me. She kept turning the coffee cup in her hands.
"What is it, Bella?"
"I..I...I don't want you to go."
"Babe, I don't want to leave," I assured her. "I can stay, if you want."
She finally raised her head and met my eyes.
"I want you to stay, but I don't think I'm ready to answer questions from a certain eight year old, are you?"
I knew nothing about kids except when we were on the football field so if Bella wasn't ready to talk with her son about our relationship or whatever was going on between us, I certainly wasn't going to argue with her.
"Whatever you decide is fine with me, babe."
She kissed me again before taking my hand and walking me toward the door. She kissed me one more time before opening the door, but before I could take the necessary step outside, I heard a small voice.
"Mom? Oh, hi Coach."
Endnote: Whoops! What's this? A cliffie? Sorry 'bout that. Not. Well, while we work on chapter 4, please let us know what you thought of this one. All reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading.