Chapter 2: The Lawsuit
Parappa woke up and saw a bunch of white in front of him. Oh, no! Parappa thought. Am I dead? If I'm dead, that means the fanfiction is over! What a stupid story! Why'd you have to kill me like that, author? But then, he realized that he wasn't dead, he was in the Parappa Town Hospital. He found his arms and legs covered in bandages. He was in a room by himself, with the TV left on in the room. It was a news report about the accident that happened recently.
"In other news today, Parappa Town got quite a shock when celebrities Parappa the Rapper, PJ the DJ and Milkcan were in an auto-accident last night with a reckless driver in a speeding black sedan on the intersection of 5th Avenue and Greenblat Lane. The celebrities were in a purple colored van with the Milkcan logo on the side. A witness gives her report of the scene." The scene transitioned to a woman in a bandana.
"Well, I went outside to go get me a Molar Pop, then I thought a cop was chasing somebody. After a while, the car started swerving towards me on the sidewalk and I said, 'Oh my, it's a reckless drahver!' Then I ran out, I didn't grab my pop or nothing, I done ran for my life! But I even dropped my wallet 'cause I got arthritis! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Parappa laughed at the witness's antics, but not for too long. He broke his ribs in the accident, so it hurt to laugh.
"Sketch artists and witness reports concluded that two men were in the speeding sedan. Mr. Ian 'Hollow Bone' Crane and Phil 'Chief Leaf' Cloros are depicted here. Sources say that both are new members of the local mob that has been recently terrorizing the inhabitants of Parappa Town. Injuries have been inflicted to the members in the Milkcan vehicle, but no deaths have been recorded. I'm Ree Porter, Action News in the Morning."
Just then, the door of the room was opened by the doctor who apparently was taking care of Parappa while he was blacked out. The doctor was a walking stethoscope that held a clipboard and a tray.
"Ah, Mr. Parappa, glad to see you're awake. My condolences for the accident last night. However, nobody has passed into the afterlife. We're taking care of your friends just fine."
"Thanks, Doctor...?"
"Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Shin Fizzy. I'm a doctor here in Parappa Town Hospital. After what happened, you're lucky you only escaped with broken ribs and broken arms and legs. The car was coming at you at seventy-five miles an hour."
Parappa's eyes widened at the thought. "Seventy-five? Why would a car have to go at that speed in the city?"
Dr. Fizzy shrugged and showed a look of bewilderment as Parappa did and said, "Who knows? However, they were members of the mob in town. They probably stole some illegal substances or robbed a bank, or something. Anyway, I would try to get a lawyer to sue them. The bill for this type of thing, combining the costs to get all of your friends back to good health and to get a new van would have to be..." he paused as he put his pinkie at the edge of his mouth, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
Parappa gasped, nearly jumping out of bed when he heard the price. Then he saw Dr. Fizzy laugh hysterically at his little joke. "I'm just kidding. Oh, don't you just love pop cultural references? Anyway, the price isn't going to be cheap. I'd try suing the guys who crashed into you for the money you will need. Here's your breakfast," he said as he put the tray on the desk on Parappa's bed.
He sniffed it and immediately knew what it was. "Bacon and eggs! My favorite!" The hot scent of the crispy bacon mixed with the scrambled eggs was pleasing to the canine's sensitive nose.
"How did you know this was my favorite?" Parappa inquired.
"Well, a visitor came in to meet her boyfriend," Dr. Fizzy said as he moved to his right, exposing a blushing Sunny Funny. Parappa beamed at the sight of his girlfriend.
"Yes. Well, I shall leave you two alone. You've already taken your medicine while you were asleep, so you just need some rest. Goodbye," Dr. Fizzy said as he left. Sunny walked toward Parappa's bed and sat down.
"Hello, lovely. How have you been?" Parappa said as he held Sunny's hand.
Sunny smiled and said, "Ever since I heard you were in an accident, I haven't gotten one wink of sleep. I was here, sitting down when they were doing the operation on you. They said I wasn't authorized to be here whilst they were doing so, but nothing could take me away from you in this time of crisis."
"What about the others?"
"Well, PJ is sleeping as usual, and has a fractured wrist and a minor head injury, which isn't going to be fatal, but will make him even MORE sleepy over the next few days. Katy has a broken knee, but still in good spirits. Ma-San has a dislocated shoulder, so no drums for a while. And Lammy has a broken collarbone. However, no one seemed too bogged down from their injuries."
"That's grand. I sure hope I'm not in the hospital for too long, because these casts get itchy," Parappa said as he tried to get up. Sunny walked over to a pair of crutches and gave them to Parappa.
"Take these to walk with. You'll need these for the next two weeks," Sunny explained. Parappa thanked her as he walked to the nearest bathroom. After taking care of business, he walked back to Sunny and said, "I'm gonna sue the guys who did this to us. Do you know of any lawyers?"
Sunny said, "We're one step ahead of you, Parappa. My dad had told me about the incident. He volunteered to help you, so he called the lawyer who helped him in a court-martial case."
Parappa, surprised at the promptness of the act, said, "Um, do you have his business card?" Sunny reached into her purse and gave it to him. He reached for his cell phone and called him.
. . .
Back at Joe Chin's mansion, Bone was busy being reprimanded by Leaf about what happened the last night.
"I cannot believe what you did! It was supposed to be our goal to stalk Parappa and find out where he lives! Then you forget which way is left WHILE DRIVING and nearly got us killed! What do you say to that?!"
Bone slumped and said, "I'm sorry, man, I think I had a bit too much to drink last night..."
"You knew that we were going to be driving that night! What did I say? 'This plan is going to involve cars!' Implying that driving was going to be implemented in the plan! And why did it have to kick in during the beginning of the plan? You drove just fine to Club Fun!"
"I don't know, Leaf. I just don't know. I DO know that I'm pathetic."
"Yes you are, and we're lucky that we jumped out of the car before it collided! You're such a stupid-!" Just then, Leaf's cell phone rang. "Hello, sweetheart."
"Phil? Something came in the mail today. Something about a summons to court next Friday. I didn't know if you wanted me to burn it, or keep it, or..."
Leaf felt a sense of despair as he said, "Honey, we discussed this before. Anything from the feds gets wasted. I really don't care if they will send cops over to break my knees if I don't-" Suddenly, Leaf got a great idea. Smiling in his "Eureka" moment, he quickly replied, "Put the lighter down, honey. I will need that soon. Thank you for telling me honey."
Leaf's girlfriend smirked over the phone and said, "I love you, baby."
"Mmm-hmm," was what Bone could hear. Leaf, embarrassed to say the common three word phrase in front of a guy listening, then said, "Not right now, I have the guys here. Okay," he then whispered. "I love you too. Goodbye."
Bone, putting the strength of his two brain cells to the limit, then said, "No freakin' way! Leaf's got a girlfriend! Oh, we got a Casanova in this mug! Leaf and his girlfriend sitting in a tree, K-I-oomph!" he said when Leaf kicked him in the ribs.
"C-K-I-N-G. Now, come on, we got to tell the boss!" Leaf said when he ran up stairs. Bone shortly followed him. Leaf knocked on the door rapidly, excited to tell the boss his next plan. Joe was startled, not expecting to see anyone at ten in the morning.
"Geez, come in already! Quit knocking like you're the feds!" Chin yelled. Leaf and Bone came in, also surprised that his two henchmen killed off Parappa so quickly.
"Well, you managed to kill him that quickly? I'm impressed," Chin said. Leaf tried to say something, but he couldn't get the words out. He didn't want to disappoint his boss. That was the first time he's heard that in his life.
Finally, he managed, "Uh, sir, we didn't exactly kill him, but, um-"
"But, what? I told you, kill or get killed. Now get out there and murk him!" Chin yelled, pulling out a gold revolver. Leaf shuddered in fear as he said his next words.
"But, I think I have a better plan to kill him off!" He then showed a nervous smile. But this led to no avail, as Chin started walking towards the two with his revolver pointed at them.
"You think you have a better plan than me? Do you know who you're dealing with?! I did NOT become a mob boss to be told that my plans suck! I will NOT have any exceptions!" Chin screamed at the top of his lungs as he pulled the lever on the revolver.
Leaf, now breathing a thousand times per minute, said, "Wouldn't you want to embarrass Parappa in public before killing him? Wouldn't the victory taste sweeter then?"
Joe put some pressure on the trigger before responding. He reconsidered his plan, and compared it to Leaf's plan. He felt it was a good idea, so he said, "I'm listening."
Leaf and Bone breathed a sigh of relief before discussing the plan.
"All right. I've gotten a court summons for next Friday. Parappa is trying to sue me. This is how it will work..."
. . .
Back in the hospital, Parappa met his lawyer for his first ever court case. He saw a wolf with glasses, a business suit, and the standard issue suitcase with many lawyers.
"Glad to meet you, Mr..."
The lawyer smiled and said, "Peavis Knight, prosecutor. So, from the reports that I've gotten, you were in an accident with a reckless driver. Don't worry, I get calls from this all the time. I prosecute for reckless driving, tax evasion, and in some cases, court-martial. I got your back, sir."
Parappa, pleased with this lawyer's disposition, wondered how much it will cost. "So, what's the damage going to be?"
Prosecutor Knight, with the zenith of his confidence, said, "Oh, there won't be any fees on your part unless we win! I won't even charge expenses!" Parappa knew that General Potter, Sunny's father, made the right choice for a prosecutor. His curious mind made him ask, "So, how does being a prosecutor work?"
Prosecutor Knight absolutely beamed at that question. "I'm glad you asked that." Just then, a funky rap beat came out of nowhere. Nobody was playing a stereo or anything. His prosecutor was doing well-choreographed dance moves in the middle. He then saw a U Rappin' meter at the bottom left of his sight. He also saw Lesson 1 in front of him. Here we go again, Parappa thought.
I try my hardest to win a case,
Whether it's to get some money or save face,
I don't really care what is your plan,
When it comes to prosecuting, I'm the best man!
File! Prosecutor Knight paused for Parappa to follow suit.
File! Parappa said in rhythm to the music.
Call! Prosecutor Knight then became the leader of the rhythmic Simon game.
Call! Parappa said. Every line was repeated by him after a pause.
Negotiate,
Deal!
Parappa then saw Lesson 2 in front of him. He knew no pauses were in the next rhymes.
I'm the best, yes, there is no need for evidence,
Skill is one thing that has received negligence,
They say to never trust a lawyer,
But, I'm the most trustworthy one in the foyer, now,
File a report!
You know who to call!
Negotiate prices!
From the winter to the fall!
I collect evidence,
Just like a detective
No time for playin'
You got to stay effective!
Parappa saw Lesson 3. The U Rappin' meter was still at Good.
I don't play basketball, but I still run the court,
Make more money than in a professional sport,
Let's see if you can get through the next lesson,
That is,of course, if there are no objections?
Parappa said, "Nope."
Okay, enter the courtroom!
Get your papers ready!
Get the opening statement,
Keep your ego steady!
Listen to the witnesses,
Keep them in line,
Just obey the rules,
And you'll be fine!
Parappa then saw Lesson 4. His U Rappin' Meter was still at Good. He was surprised at how well he was doing while injured.
Here we go, this is the last part,
I hope you take these lessons to heart,
Keep a level head, and you'll endure to the end,
You'll get some justice for you and your friends!
All right, crack the case,
Push the opposition,
Find errors in the statements,
Take the cop's position!
Prove the other guys wrong,
Let the jury vote,
When the other guys are guilty,
That's the time to boast!
"All right, that was amazing! You're pretty good at this. Maybe you should become a lawyer," Prosecutor Knight suggested.
"Thanks, but I think I'll stick to rapping. It seems like a heck of a lot of things to do." Parappa said. He then heard the applause from nowhere, signifying that he has passed this "stage."
. . .
It was the day of the court meeting, Friday. The courtroom was filled with the inhabitants of Parappa Town. Just outside the courtroom, Prosecutor Knight was getting pumped up for his next case.
"All right, today's the big day. You ready for this?" Knight said.
"Yeah, I'm ready. Even though you will be doing the most work on this case. Did you get the evidence you need?"
"Trust me, I got all of that and more. We're totally going to win this case!" Knight said, with his utmost confidence. He walked in with the swagger of a college kid, feeling invincible. For about three seconds. He suddenly stood paralyzed, pointing at the defense attorney.
"What's the problem, Mr. Knight?" Parappa asked.
"Kyle Hedgefirth. The greatest defense attorney Rodney Country has ever seen. He has never lost a case. I, on the other hand, had my butt handed to me from him three times!"
"So? Those were only three cases. You've been through many more cases and won more."
"I've lost three times total. This is going to be tricky."
Parappa took a closer look at Kyle. He was a human, dressed in his slick business suit, looking just as confident as Knight was, only a lot more serious. This guy must not have smiled in his life, Parappa thought. He wasn't all that intimidating as a person. However, as a defense attorney, he was a force of nature.
He found his seat next to PJ, who was surprisingly awake at this time, and Sunny. He and Knight sat in their respective seats. The bailiff, a familiar-looking blue cat, said, "All rise, the Honorable Judge Dolner presiding!"
Everyone ascended out of their seats as the judge walked into the courtroom. The judge was a red fox, ironically. When Dolner sat down, the bailiff then announced, "You may be seated." Everyone followed suit.
"The case of Parappa v. Phil Cloros and Ian Crane will now come to order. Prosecutor Knight, your opening statement."
Peavis Knight regained his confidence in a millisecond while he said, "Yes, Your Honor. Parappa is suing Mr. Cloros and Mr. Crane for reckless driving last week. The defendants collided into the van where Parappa, PJ Berri, Katy Kat, Ma-San, and Lammy were in, causing them all injuries and major damage to the van that they were in. Thankfully, nobody has been killed in the accident, but this has caused much pain and suffering to the victims and their families, and it screwed a hole in their wallets, too. For our opening witness, we call Mr. Cloros to the stand for cross-examination."
The judge nodded and said, "Very well. Mr. Cloros, give us your testimony."
Leaf got out of his seat, smiling as he held a piece of paper in his hand. "Thank you, Your Honor. So what had happened was, Bone and I-er, I mean,-Ian and I were just taking a joyride in the middle of the night. We didn't mean to do any harm to anyone. We just pulled up to the intersection of 5th Avenue and Greenblat Lane, when suddenly, we see the van in question pop up in front of us! Luckily, we both jumped out of the car just in time before the vehicles collided! I'm sorry to say that the same didn't occur for these, uh 'celebrities' that the town finds hallowed. However, I shall be the first to say that Parappa, was in fact, driving drunk during the incident! We've all seen this type of thing before, a rapper right after a concert becomes intoxicated, attempts to drive, and gets himself in trouble. It would only be customary for people like him! I have no further statements." he said while walking off. The judge frowned at the "honest" testimony.
Parappa then whispered, "This guy is totally lying! I don't drink, and if I did, I would not drive drunk!"
Peavis Knight then whispered back, "I know, Parappa. This is going to be a tough egg to crack. Kyle often used deception to win over his opponents." Then, turning to Kyle on the opposite end of the room, he yelled, "Objection!"
Everyone turned to him. "There were no police reports stating that Parappa was drunk! He lost a bit of blood during the incident, and it contained a blood alcohol level of 0.00!"
"Objection!" Kyle said, showing an evil smile. Well, I guess I was wrong about him not smiling, Parappa thought. "I have a recent police report here, stating that Parappa WAS drunk at the scene!"
"Objection! Why would you use a police report printed out today?!"
"The police station never released anything until today, you nitwit!"
"Your mom is a tub of junk!"
This causes Kyle to show a state of shock for a brief moment. "At least I'm not the one named 'Peavis!' How are you going to tell me anything, you son of a-" CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
"Order in the court!" the judge said after he pounded his gavel. "Now, we need not get into the fact that Mr. Hedgefirth's mother had less gentleman callers than a sewage dump. We can also forget that Mr. Knight's parents can't name a child to save their lives. Let us try to stay on task for this case!"
The case went on for what seemed like forever. It didn't look like Parappa was going to win this case. There was a barrage of false accusations about Parappa's career, including rumors of him having drugs in the van, using performance-enhancing drugs, amongst other things. But, then Mr. Knight had an idea.
"I call Officer Kat to the stand!" he said. Nobody expected anybody to call the bailiff to the stand, who was also a police officer in the city. Officer Kat walked to the stand.
"Officer Kat, you are a member of the Rodney Country Police Department, correct?"
"Yes, sir," the officer replied.
"And your daughter, Katy Kat, has been a victim of the accident, correct?"
"Yes, sir."
"What exactly did you collect in your police report? Did you find any traces of alcohol in the two vehicles?"
Officer Kat looked at Leaf and Bone cautiously, after which they both nodded. Officer Kat then said, "Yes, there were traces of alcohol in BOTH of the vehicles."
Kyle Hedgefirth used his evil grin again at the sound of that. Something was fishy in the courtroom. Parappa just couldn't figure out what.
"I see. Well, did you do alcohol testing on the victims of the accident?"
"Yes, we have done alcohol testing on all of the victims that were hospitalized. But, none of them were consuming alcohol before the incident! We have not gotten results for Mr. Crane and Mr. Cloros, however. We did find a 40oz bottle of liquor inside the black sedan."
This caused many gasps and discussion among the jury members. Mr. Knight knew that he turned the tables in his favor.
"Objection!" Kyle said. "The bottle does not prove anything, mind you! Maybe the person in the passenger seat had himself a drink, which would-"
"Oh, shut up, Kyle, it's bad enough you bribed me to say anything bad about Parappa. I've known him for ten years, and he would NOT be one who drives recklessly. AND, I have video evidence that the black sedan was the one that was swerving across the road. I'm sure that this case is closed, Your Honor," Officer Kat said as he walked off.
This caused a lot more talking among the courtroom. Mr. Knight knew he had this one in the bag.
. . .
"Has the jury reached a verdict?" the judge asked. One man in the jury, a literal fish out of water, said, "We have, Your Honor. We find the defendants..." he suddenly paused.
"Well, out with it!" the judge said.
"I'm adding dramatic effect so that the author has more words in the story. We find the defendants guilty of reckless and drunk driving!"
Parappa fist pumped at the sound of his victory in court. His lawsuit would earn him a grand total of $53,375. But, before he could make it rain, it would begin to rain something else.