WARNING: This chapter includes a flashback scene that involves a (small) graphic rape scene. It doesn't involve too many details and is literally 2 sentences, but I thought I better warn you for it, to avoid getting called on it.

Merlin sat in silence, thinking over about what he had just heard. He reached out to Arthur and gently touched his lower arm. Arthur didn't flinch away, but he refused to look at him either. "Arthur… if this is this still about that one time with Gwaine… Arthur, I swear nothing happened. It was just a stupid, stupid, mistake. A stupid drunk mistake. I know that it sounds an awful lot like an excuse, but it's the truth. Really Arthur, I didn't-"

Merlin stopped talking once he saw how Arthur kept shaking his head. Merlin furrowed his brows, if Arthur wasn't upset about that, then about what could it else be?

"Is it because I went with him to that party?" Merlin whispered, but Arthur once again shook his head.

"Then please Arthur." Merlin whispered on the verge of desperation. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Should I call someone?"

Merlin saw Arthur take in a deep breath and then he turned slowly around. He looked like he hadn't slept in ten days and his eyes were puffy from tears that he was clearly holding in.

Arthur took one last deep breath and then the tears started to fall down his cheeks and he stubbornly wiped them away. Merlin edged closer and wrapped his arms around Arthur, his hands slowly going up and down on his back. "It's okay, I'm here." Merlin whispered. Now he was really getting worried.

They sat like that for a while, Arthur doesn't know how much time had passed, but he had calmed down a lot by Merlin's presence. He knew he had to do this now, or he would forever bear it with him. He sat back but gripped Merlin's hands and held them into his own. With his head bowed down, he said,

"What I'm going to tell you now, only one other person knows. Well two if you count in my psychiatrist. It's painful and embarrassing for me to tell you, but it might explain a thing or two." Arthur finally dared looked up with wet eyes and caught Merlin's worried gaze. "Please don't hate me afterwards."

Merlin scooted closer again, squeezing Arthur's hands tightly, letting him know that he's there for him. "Arthur, you're scaring me. Please tell me what it is."

Arthur gave Merlin a faint smile before turning his head around and looked out of the window, it was even darker outside now and the moon had started to appear in the sky. Arthur closed his eyes and took a few shallow breaths. He was slightly shaking by just thinking back at what happened that one night. He was brought out of those memories when he felt a gently hand rubbing his arm.

After one final deep breath, Arthur began to tell.

-FLASHBACK-

One year ago.

"I will break up with him the day after tomorrow." Arthur said with a sigh and put his travel bag on the hotel bed. They were in Germany for the MotoGP.

Leon plopped his own bag down on the other bed. "Why? I thought everything went great between you and Gwaine?"

Arthur sat down on the bed and moved his head from side to side. "Well yeah, everything is going great, but I don't know, he's just not the one."

"Aah, the one." Leon teased and then turned more serious. "But, you should do what you think is right for you." After a moment's silence, Leon said, "But are you sure you want to go through with it? He is after all the first real love you had since your coming out."

"I know!" Arthur sighed louder and let himself fall back onto the bed. He threw an arm over his eyes. "You know Leon, telling me that doesn't make this any easier."

"Sorry mate." Leon walked up to Arthur and clapped him on the shoulder "So how drunk do you want to get tonight?"

"Very." Arthur replied.

~oOoOo~

Arthur did got a major hangover that next day and was glad that he didn't had training that day. And more thankful for the fact that he had made himself wait for tomorrow for the break up. He was almost certain that he wouldn't be up for it the way he was feeling right now.

But that tomorrow came far too quick and Arthur had sweaty palms. In a few minutes he would go to Gwaine's hotel room and tell him that he didn't feel a future in their relationship. Sure, he had fun with Gwaine, but he didn't feel that Gwaine would be able to give him the stable relationship he was craving for.

With his heart thudding painfully against his ribcage, he started to make his way towards the hotel room at the end of the hallway and sucked in a deep breath before slowly knocking twice. He almost made a run for it, but when the door opened and revealed Gwaine on the other side with a smile plastered on his lips, he knew he had to go through with it. It wouldn't be fair to Gwaine and to himself if he would go on like this, neither of them would benefit from that.

Gwaine started to lean forwards towards Arthur, trying to give him a kiss on the lips. Arthur was tempted to catch those lips he spent a lot of time kissing, but again, he didn't think that would be fair considering the thing he was about to do and so he turned his head sideways at the last moment.

"Gwaine, we need to talk."

~oOoOo~

"How did he take it?" Leon asked when he was unable to read Arthur's face expression when said person came back in their room, after what must've been over an hour.

Arthur's face changed from confusion to relieve in seconds and he sat down on the bed with a satisfying sigh. "Surprisingly… well." He answered. He sat a few seconds, staring ahead of him, before he flopped back down onto the bed in the same fashion as two days ago, and once more threw his arm over his eyes. "You don't think I made a mistake do you?"

"That's not for me to decide Arthur." Came Leon's response.

Arthur whined softly, but then sat up. He ran a hand across his face and through his blonde hair. "I'm just glad my father is staying at the other side of the hotel, I don't want him to see me like this." Arthur murmured.

Leon stood up from where he was lying on his own bed and sat down next to his best friend. "Arthur, you'll just need some time to process. He was, after all, your first love, and those things are always the hardest.. Just… try to get some sleep and try to concentrate on the race that is tomorrow." After a squeeze into Arthur's shoulder Leon stood up. "Just take a shower, watch some TV, but don't drink." He winked and Arthur had to chuckle about it as he saw his friend leave the room. Only now, Arthur found himself on his own with his thoughts.

~oOoOo~

Arthur was afraid to make any more eye contact with Gwaine the next day as they prepare themselves for the race. This morning he greeted Gwaine, and hoped that they would just go along as friends, but the look Gwaine returned to him not yet sent shivers over his spin.

And now, Arthur didn't know what had happened. Yesterday, everything was good between them, well good as someone could be after your boyfriend ended an almost two year relationship. But yesterday they both agreed that breaking up would be best. Although, now, Arthur was having doubts about whether Gwaine had actually said that to him, or whether his mind was playing him.

With mixed feelings he got on his motorcycle, and started to put on his gloves. At the same time he listened to his father and Leon, who were giving him some encouraging words and went over some tactics. When Arthur had nodded, they stepped aside and Arthur was allowed to ride to the start line.

The race was going well. He was in first place now, but he saw that Gwaine close on his tail.

Entering thelast round, Arthur was still in first place, but just barely. Gwaine kept closing in on him, and on a few occasions he almost passed him. Arthur knew that he had to keep his head cool and not let personal feelings overtake his senses. Breathe in, breathe out.

When they only had to turn a few corners, Gwaine opened his throttle and Arthur saw him advancing in his rear-view mirror. He was close, maybe even too close. And then… out of nowhere, Gwaine pulled his handlebars and Arthur could feel the wheel of Gwaine's motorcycle touching his rear wheel.

Arthur knew that if he would panic now, it wouldn't end well. But when you're sitting on a motorcycle that goes 220 miles per hour and it starts to shake and sway, then it's hard to concentrate. But Arthur is a professional, he knows how to deal with these situations; he fully opens his throttle and gets away from Gwaine. The action worked and Arthur heaved a sigh of relieve. He tried to ignore his father's calls through his headset; asking him what the hell happened. He just ignored it, and concentrated on the race again. He would deal with Gwaine afterwards.

"What the hell Gwaine!" Arthur stalked into Gwaine's paddock, fuming, after the race had ended. "What in your sick head made you do that!"

Gwaine casually leaned back in the chair, almost ignoring Arthur and proceeded to pull off his gloves. Without looking up, he said, "Arthur, that was just a warning. No one and I mean no one ends a relationship with me, without any consequences."

Actual gob smacked, Arthur stared at Gwaine for a few seconds and thought the guy must be joking. But when Gwaine suddenly looked up to him and his eyes held this seriousness in them, Arthur knew he wasn't joking. His hands gripped his hair and tugged it lightly. "But, yesterday... You, you were okay with it!"

Gwaine huffed and stood up, walking up to Arthur and leaving only the smallest distance between himself and Arthur. "I don't like to lose what's mine Arthur, just so you know. But why don't you run back to your daddy for now, hm?"

"Who are you?" Arthur asked with a small voice and shaking his head. This wasn't the man he fell in love with two years ago.

"You'll find out Arthur." Gwaine huffed. "What happened today was just a preview."

"What does that even mean!" Arthur yelled. Gwaine acted so differently, so, so, not like the Gwaine he knew. At one hand, he just wanted to bash in that smug face, but on the other hand, Arthur wanted to tell Gwaine that them breaking up shouldn't be causing a rift between them. He didn't do anything just yet, because he saw his father and Leon rushing into Gwaine's paddock And then, without even thinking about it, Arthur threw a punch at Gwaine's face.

"You're a little sociopath! I'm glad I ended it!" Arthur shouted and shook from anger.

Gwaine cradled his jaw with his hand and looked back to Arthur. "I'll get you back Arthur, just wait for it."

"You just try!" Arthur spat when he was being pulled away by his father and Leon.

~oOoOo~

Later that evening Leon entered his and Arthur's room and saw Arthur lying under the covers. "Arthur, staying in bed won't solve anything." He pulled Arthur's arm from under the covers, but Arthur immediately pulled it back under the covers.

"Come on, let's get to the hotel bar. Drink away your sorrows and celebrate that you've won the championship, hm? What you say about that?" Leon pulled the covers away from Arthur's head.

"What is the point." Arthur moaned.

It took Leon some convincing and tugging on the bed sheets, to get Arthur even sitting up in the bed. Then he reassured Arthur that his father hadn't found out about his and Gwaine's past relationship. Leon told Arthur that his father thought that what was said in the paddock, referred to what had happened on the tracks.

Arthur was relieved to hear that, but he still wasn't in the mood for drinks He just wanted to lie in bed and willow away. He gave one sharp tug on the sheets when Leon wasn't having his attention on them and threw them over his head once again.

"Oh no you don't." Leon pulled the sheets off and bundled them up in a ball. "I won't let you feel pity for yourself. What you did today was good, maybe a violent, but good. Helps with giving it a place."

"What are you, a shrink?" Arthur murmured, curling himself up into a ball.

Leon rolled his eyes. "Fine, have it your way." He disposed the ball of sheets in the furthest corner of the room. "I'll be in the bar and when I don't see you in thirty minutes, I'll stage an intervention."

"Ugh, fine!" Arthur sat up on the bed. "But I'll take a shower first. Don't worry, I'll be there in half an hour." He started to shoo Leon out of their room and when he closed the door, he picked up the sheets and first started to make up the bed.

Arthur noticed that the door slowly creaked open, and thought that Leon came back already. Arthur stood with his back to the door and chuckled. He went on with making the bed and said, "Seriously Leon, I said I would be quick, but come on this has to be like two minutes since you left. Give a man some time."

"Guess again." Gwaine slammed the door close, making Arthur jump and look back at him with big eyes. Gwaine walked slowly walks towards Arthur with a sly grin on his lips. "And don't worry making the bed, it's going to be in use fairly soon." He lifted his hand and left feather light touches on Arthur's bare torso and trailed his hand down over Arthur's midsection.

Arthur batted the hand away when it came too low. "You disgust me Gwaine, we are over, what don't you understand about that? Get out. GET OUT!"

Still smiling smugly, Gwaine brought his hand back up, resuming his stroking on Arthur's torso. He tutted. "Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. That's not what you said last week when we were lying in bed. Don't be like this, we're just starting."

"We're not starting anything, we're ending." Arthur forcefully batted Gwaine's hand away again. "And never touch me again!"

Gwaine walked around Arthur, one finger trailing over his torso, over his bicep and finally settling his hand on Arthur's back. He bent forward to whisper in Arthur's ear, "Now why did I have the feeling you would say that to me? Good thing that I brought this with me."

Arthur frowned and wanted to turn around to confront Gwaine, but then he felt something over his mouth, some kind of cloth, and he smelled something strong. His eyes widened and he struggled in Gwaine's hold, but it was futile, within seconds his limbs became heavy and the room started to blur.

The last thing Arthur heard before everything became completely dark was, "Sweet dreams." And then he let the darkness envelop him

Gwaine caught Arthur's now limp form and gently put him down on the bed. He started to undress him, taking his time with the task, revelling the sight before him. Gwaine stroke Arthur's motionless face and his eyes darkened with lust. "My beautiful Arthur, I'll enjoy this."

~oOoOo~

Leon sat in the bar, nursing a beer and keeping his eyes plastered on the clock. When it was twenty-five minutes since he left Arthur in their room, he thought it was enough and was going to do something about Arthur's down mood.

Leon inserted the key card in the door and walked in. The door closed behind him and he walked through the small hallway towards the main area. There he froze in his step and he dropped his card out of shock from what he was seeing in front of him.

Arthur was pinned under Gwaine, who was viciously thrusting into him. One of his hands was around Arthur's throat; the pressure wasn't enough to suffocating him, but enough to not let him breath properly. His other arm was used to balance himself against the headboard. Leon could see Arthur wince and groaning painfully with every thrust. Leon also saw that Arthur was trying to fight Gwaine, and to get him off him, but it seemed that Arthur couldn't push Gwaine off. Leon knew that Arthur could easily fight Gwaine, so he knew that Gwaine must've slipped him something.

Gwaine was too caught up with what he's doing, that he didn't even noticed Leon coming in the room and was thrown off the bed and flung to almost the other side of the room. When his initial shock had died down, Gwaine stood up and buttoned his jeans. He looked up and had the same smirk on his face again. "You were too late Leon. I already got what I wanted... twice." With a malicious laugh he scurried out of the room.

Leon had thought about going after him, but when he looked back at his friend, he knew he couldn't leave him behind. He would deal with Gwaine later.

Arthur's eyes were closed and even though his breath was shallow, it was steady. 'Arthur." Leon gave his friend a short shake, but when Arthur didn't respond to that, panic started to kick in. "ARTHUR!" Leon desperately shouted and shook his body even more. "Arthur please wake up." Leon pleaded, but there was still no response. Leon sat down on a chair closest to the bed. "A-Arthur." Leon sobbed, putting his head into his hands.

"Leon?" Leon's head immediately jolted up. Arthur's voice was hoarse and soft, but it was there. "Arthur!" Leon jumped off the chair and rushed to the bed. He grabbed Arthur's head between his hands and made him look up to him. He saw that Arthur was trying to keep his eyes open, but the effect of whatever Gwaine had slipped to him was still there.

"Get some sleep Arthur." Leon softly lulled and it didn't took long before Arthur had fallen into a slumber. Leon pushed the chair even closer to the bed and sat down, keeping watch over his best friend.

Most of the adrenaline had left his body now, and he was starting to think what the next step would be. Should he get medical help, should he find Gwaine, should he go to the police… and most importantly; should he tell Uther? But Leon knows how afraid Arthur is to let his father find out, but this situation was different.

Leon sighed, rubbing two fingers in his eyes. He would wait for an hour and if Arthur's condition wouldn't improve, he would get help. Even if his friend would hate him forever for it.

He sat back and waited.

~oOoOo~

Arthur gasped when he woke up after some time again. Leon was immediately at his side. "It's okay, calm down Arthur. It's okay, I'm here, and nothing can happen to you now."

Leon frowned when Arthur was starting to fight him off. It was like Arthur hasn't fully taken in his surroundings and perhaps Arthur thought that he was Gwaine.

Leon cupped Arthur's face, making sure he had eye contact. "Arthur, listen to me. Gwaine isn't here, it's me; Leon. Calm down and breathe in and out with me."

Arthur struggled for a few moments, but then followed his best friends instruction. He soon calmed down, and realised he was pounding his fists against Leon's chest. "M'Sorry." Arthur turned away from his friend, but Leon put a soft hand on his shoulder.

"Arthur, you have nothing to be sorry for. Here." He handed him a glass of water. Arthur sat up a little bit and accepted the glass, drinking it down in one go.

Leon set the glass down on the nightstand when Arthur was finished and turned back to his friend. He knew that he couldn't avoid the subject forever and he needed to know if his friend was alright. Leon breathed deeply in and asked, "Do you remember anything at all?"

Arthur slowly nodded, his eyes gazing down.

"Are you hurt?"

Arthur shrugged first, but then shook his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Arthur shook his head vigorously. "No."

He had whispered so soft that Leon almost missed hearing it. "Okay, you don't have to. But… do you want me to call your father?"

The reaction was instant. Arthur leaned forward, grabbed Leon's arms and gripped them tight. "Leon whatever you do…don't. tell. my. father."

"Arthur..."

"He can never find out, no one can ever find out." Arthur muttered. "Please Leon swear to me that you won't tell my father." Leon looked at Arthur with a painful expression.

"Swear it!" Arthur repeated forcefully as he pulled Leon closer.

Leon let his eyes wander to the ground, he bit his lip. "Even though I think you shouldn't keep this to yourself, I swear not to tell anyone."

-END FLASHBACK-

Merlin gasped, his hands were covering his mouth and his eyes were filled with sadness. "Arthur." He breathed out, not sure how to react and not sure whether or not he should be even saying something. What was there to say after this, there was no way to make it go away, but the best thing now was to let Arthur know he's there for him

Arthur sat with his back turned to Merlin. During the story, he had taken more distance between himself and Merlin, he felt just so ashamed of himself and was sure that Merlin wouldn't want anything to do with him now. Not when he was filthy and used. He was fighting back the tears at knowing that Merlin didn't want to be with him anymore.

Merlin inched closer to Arthur, he too had noticed the space between them. He put his arms around Arthur and placed Arthur's head on his shoulder. Arthur tried to keep fight the tears, but when Merlin started to stroke his hair reassuringly, he couldn't hold them back any longer and started to sob softly.

Arthur lifted his head after a few moments; his breathing came out in shuddering breaths. He was partially shaking due to recalling what had happened to him over a year ago, but he also felt so relieved to have finally told someone else (besides Leon) the secret he had been carrying for so long. It was like a weight had lifted off his chest.

"I can u-understand if you hate me and n-never want to see me again." Arthur stuttered in a small voice. He was happy that he had told Merlin, but he wasn't expecting that Merlin would stay any longer with him. Arthur stood up from the bed and started walking towards the door.

Merlin immediately got up and caught Arthur's arm, turning him around. He placed soft hands on Arthur's biceps. "I don't want you to go Arthur. I… I love you. And what happened to you is something horrible, but Arthur, I'll help you to get through this. It's a good thing you've told me." Merlin said and Arthur could hear the honesty through it, but he couldn't understand. No one should want to be with a guy who has been used. But Merlin said he loved him, that should mean something too… right?

Arthur swallowed and licked his lips.

Merlin tightened his grip, he couldn't let Arthur just walk away, not when Arthur needs it the most and especially not in the state he's in. "Arthur please don't go. I don't hate you, it's Gwaine I hate. How could he!" He spat. "But Arthur…" Merlin took a momentary pause, he was almost too afraid to make eye contact with Arthur because of what he was going to suggest now. "Maybe you should tell your dad. Or at least the police."

Arthur breathed in a shuddering breath, shaking his head repeatedly. "No no no, I can't tell father." His breathing picked up and he broke free from Merlin's grip. His hands started to pull on his hair. "I-I can't, he'll h-hate me. He'll hate me, he'll hate me." Arthur slouched down to the floor, his back resting to the end of the bed and his head cradled in his hands.

Merlin looked at him, he wanted to help and make everything better for the man he loves, but he feels so helpless right now. The only thing he could do is trying to calm Arthur down. He noticed that Arthur was starting to hyperventilate and he needed to stop them before he would get into shock. Merlin knelt down next to him and soothingly spoke to him.

"Your father doesn't hate you Arthur. Whenever I'm examining his wound, he doesn't speak about anyone or anything else but you." He placed his index finger under Arthur's chin and lifted Arthur's head. "He's proud of you, I know he is. He told me himself." Merlin saw a faint smile appearing on Arthur's face and that was a good sign, but Merlin was still worried about Arthur's breathing being still a bit too irregular for his liking.

He softly continued to speak. "Arthur, whenever you're ready to tell him, he won't be mad at you. He loves you dearly, but you have to give him time. That's all I ask, give him time. He'll come round, I know he will. And I'll be with you every step you'll take, I won't leave you, you know I won't." When he was satisfied that Arthur's breathing had came back to normal, he embraced him and places a kiss on top of his head. Arthur rested his head on Merlin's chest.

After sitting like that for a while with no one saying anything for that time, Arthur spoke. "You're right Merlin. I should tell my father about me, but I'm not ready yet to tell him about what happened with Gwaine, please don't let me tell him about Gwaine. Please." Tears were starting to well up in his eyes again. Merlin held him close to his chest, rocking his body from side to side, hoping it would reassure his boyfriend. "Sh, sh, sh. It's okay Arthur, it's okay. Remember what I said, I'll be there if you need me."

"I know." Arthur mumbled. "And I'm glad that you are. But this is something I should do alone."

"Are you sure Arthur?" Merlin looked down in Arthur's eyes.

"I'm sure." Arthur held Merlin's gaze, he could see the concern in Merlin's eyes. Arthur reached up and trailed his finger at Merlin's cheekbone, "Thank you." He whispered.

"For what?"

"For everything. For being you."

Merlin smiled down on Arthur, and then looked around the room. It was getting really late now. "We should get some sleep, it's been an tiring evening. You'll stay here and then I'll sleep in the guest room." Merlin made move to stand up, but Arthur pulled him back down.

"No, please stay Merlin, I want you with me."

"But Arthur, you've just told me-"

Arthur put his finger on Merlin's lips. "You're not Gwaine."

"But-"

"Merlin, I was afraid before. I didn't know what you would think about me if you knew, I do now. And Merlin, there is no one I want more but you."

~oOoOo~

The next morning, Merlin found himself in Arthur's embrace. "Morning." He mumbled as he saw blue eyes framed by blonde hair looking down at him.

"Morning." The blonde replied and place a kiss on Merlin's lips. "I've decided to tell my father tomorrow. Maybe you can leave my father some Valium after you're done examining him today." Arthur joked, but on the inside he was a ball of nerves. This was something he had hold a secret for perhaps over twenty years and now it would come out and he had no idea how his father would take it. And they were finally getting along again, was it a risk he was willing to take? What if his father would be angry, or even worse… disappointed.

"Arthur?" Arthur looked up when he heard his name and saw Merlin already fully dressed on his side of the bed. He even looked back down to the now empty space next to him. He didn't even noticed that Merlin had gotten up, nonetheless seeing or hearing him dress.

Merlin picked his medical bag up from the ground and held his hand out. "You coming?"