Disclaimer: J.R.R. Tolkien owns everything save for the characters not in his works. Warning: violence and death in this chapter.
Oohh the reason I hold on
Oohh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause whenever you see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay... Stay...
~Stay, Rihanna
CHAPTER NINETEEN
T.A. 2869
Fili was ten summers and Kili was five.
There was an unsettling feel in the air as Nuil watched her two nephews run around in the open air. It was a day where the two could be outside the mountain, get a feel for the land and not be kept in the deeps of the mountain. She turned her gaze to the tree line, narrowing at the dark undergrowth. The she returned her eyes to her nephews.
They were antsy. Their father had not returned from his trip when expected and it was now seven days passed his anticipated return. Dis was beside herself with worry. Nuil was also worried. More so than any of the other times that Eurig had returned late. There were whispers.
It was not uncommon to go to one of the taverns within the dwarven settlement and hear of attacks on travelers. There was always some story of a passing wanderer who had seen, experienced or heard of attacks. The rumors were spreading and growing rapidly. Nuil decided that they were a growing problem and hoped that Eurig was only delayed by business. Mahal, she hoped that he was well. Fili and Kili needed a father. But the more she thought about it the more that feeling in the pit of her stomach grew. Thorin tried to reassure them that Eurig was fine, but his words did little to dissuade the two females worries.
Kili stopped chasing his brother as a brightly colored butterfly fluttered in his face. He reached out for it, distracted from his brother. Kili turned and began to follow the insect, closer to the edge of the forest.
"Kili, stay where I can see you!" she called.
"Aunnie! Look at this!" Fili cried, drawing her attention to him. Nuil looked at him, frowning at the odd object he lifted from the tall grass. It was black, long, with one jagged edge with most of the metal rusting. It looked like- her eyes narrowed and she snatched it from his hand.
"An orc blade," she spat, thrusting it to the ground in disgust. Fili stared at it, eyes wide.
"Why is it here?" he asked quietly. His voice shook with undisguised fear. Nuil clenched her jaw then looked up. Eyes scanning the clearing she felt her breath catch. Kili. He was gone.
"Kili!" she yelled, rushing to the trees where she had seen him last. Dread filled the pit of her stomach. If anything happened to her sweet dear one she would never forgive herself. Nuil vaguely heard Fili follow after her crashing through the undergrowth after her. "Kili!"
Without any hesitation she drew her sword out, the shining metal catching the sunlight. Her heart was pounding in her chest. This was the same feeling she had felt when Frerin had died. She never brought him up if she could help it, his death a painful memory of hers. This feeling felt all too similar.
Please. Please be safe.
A child's cry filled the air, startling several birds from their nests. "KILI!" Her legs pushed her further and suddenly the trees gave way to a small clearing. Nuil kept running, eying the large dark figure standing over her nephew as hostile. As she drew in the figure raised its head and glared at her.
An orc.
It's yellow eyes narrowed at her, blood running down his chin, as his gangly and discolored limbs hung at its sides. It howled at her, backing up as she placed herself in between it and Kili. Nuil knew Fili was right with her. She leveled her blade on the orc, a fierce sneer on her face as she spoke.
"Fili, get Kili out of here. Run. Get your Uncle," she ordered in a hard voice. She didn't see Fili's wide eyes, nor his shock at being addressed so harshly. Fili had never heard that come from his sweet tempered aunt. He stood frozen as the orc snarled at his aunt. Surely she couldn't take it on alone?
"I told you to run! RUN!"
Fili didn't need to be told again. Grabbing the hand of his crying little brother he dragged him into the trees and back towards the mountain, not looking back. Nuil let out an almost relieved breath and narrowed her eyes on the foul creature. It was breathing heavily, filling the space between them with the stench of rotting flesh. Bile rose in her throat.
It snarled in orcish, to what Nuil deemed, an insult of some sort. Her jaw clenched and she raised her blade higher. It howled at her with fury in its eyes before it lunged, taking her to the ground and impaling itself at the same time. What a stupid creature. They fell, hitting the ground with a dull thud. Nuil groaned, opening her eyes.
Yellow eyes stared down at her, clouding with death. Nuil's breath froze, eyes widening, memories of long past flashing before her eyes. The clouded over eyes, gaping mouth, and smell of rotting flesh. Buried under countless bodies in the dark. Nuil blinked, letting out a wail as she shoved the orc from off the top of her. Blood coated her hands and the front of her blouse, running down into the folds of her skirt.
With a grimace, Nuil pulled her blade out of the now still body, cleaning it on the grass and holding it tightly. Her hands shook slightly, but she determinedly looked around. No orc traveled alone, her mind whispered to her. Where there was one there had to be more. Cautiously she entered the line of trees, going deeper into the woods. If probably wasn't the best decision, but she had to know how many there were. Every now and then she would come across a patch of broken bush or trampled undergrowth. Bending down she examined the trail, the imprint of a heavy boot, until she neared a clearing.
Nuil crouched down behind a bush, peering out carefully. Her eyes widened at the sight before her. Several dozen orcs had overrun a caravan, picking off the few dwarves that were left fighting for their lives. Anger poured through her. She easily recognized the emblem sewn into the wagon coverings. She stood, furious and stepped out of her hiding spot.
"Over here! You pieces of filth!" she roared, raising her sword. The orcs nearest to her, raised their heads and growled at her, leaving their current victims and stalking towards her. Nuil advanced on the first with a yell, cutting it down without giving it the chance to reach her. The others pounced, coming in on all sides. She sliced and cut, weaving through them. A few fell with cries of agony as limbs were severed and stomachs sliced opened. But their sharp fingers dug into her skin, ripping at her clothing and hair.
Another yell left her lips as she cut down the last orc before her. The sounds of fighting had died down and Nuil realized that she wasn't alone in the skirmish anymore. Breathing heavily she watched as several dwarves finished off the last of the orcs. She was exhausted, her limbs felt heavy and her hands shook. The harsh reality of this fight showed her how much she had let herself go.
She was so used to taking care of Fili and Kili that she had let go of the possibility of having to fight anymore. She had gone soft. A heavy frown crossed her face.
"Nuilweyil!"
The rough and familiar voice pulled her from her inner musings. She turned and gave Thorin a smile of relief as he approached her, his stride purposeful as he drew near.
"Fili and Kili are safe?" she asked.
He didn't reply, pulling her into a tight embrace instead, burying his face into her hair. He held her tightly, almost as if to tell himself that she was really there. Nuil wrapped her arms around him, careful to keep her blade from cutting into him.
"They are with Dis," he murmured pulling away. His blue eyes rested on her tired face, full of worry. "Fili was beside himself."
"I'm glad they're safe," she sighed. Her sword fell from her grasp as her exhaustion finally crept to the surface. Her dreams had been plagued of late with nightmares, so she was not rested as she would have liked. Thorin gripped her arms tightly, to hold her upright if she began to collapse.
"Nuilweyil?"
She waved her hand, "I am well, tired is all."
Then his gaze hardened as she took in her full appearance. He noted the blood covering the front of her clothing, the fabric torn from her blouse revealing the skin beneath. Her skin was cut in many places, long claw marks left from the orcs attack.
"Are you hurt?" he asked, worrying creeping into his voice. His hands ghosted over her arms, down to her hands which he held tightly. Nuil gave him a small tired smile.
"I will be fine with a good nights rest, Thorin." He sighed at her stubbornness, pressing his lips to hers briefly and giving her another once over.
"My lord!" a call rose up from on of that wagons. Thorin turned as a dwarf approached them. His hands released hers, and he did not notice the flash of hurt in Nuil's eyes. But she understood. "We have found Lord Eurig, my king."
Nuil felt her heart drop. The tone that the dwarf used boded ill. She followed the two dwarrow to the wagon, the boards had been nearly ripped apart, the canvas torn. They rounded the corner and Nuil felt her knees give out beneath her. She hit the ground with a choked cry. Her hands dug into the dirt beneath her fingers. Hazel eyes blurred with tears.
No. Mahal no.
Nuil sat on the sofa in a daze, watching as Thorin spoke with his sister. Their words didn't reach her ears but Dis's reaction spoke for them. Her face suddenly crumpled, and a cry passed her lips as she collapsed in her brothers arms. Tears poured from her eyes and she pounded her fists against his chest. They sank to the floor as Thorin cradled his little sister against him.
Fili and Kili rushed to Nuil, wrapping their arms around her and burying their faces into her shoulders. She reached up, stroking their heads and whispering words of comfort as small sobs escaped their lips. A child should never lose a parent, she would know. Nuil kissed the side of each of their heads, holding them close.
The tomb was in the grandest part of Ered Luin. Great care had been taken in the funeral of Eurig son of Erig, husband of Dis, father of Fili and Kili. He was laid in the royal tombs, carved painstakingly out of the rock with the utmost detail. He wore the finest robes found in Ered Luin, rich cloth embroidered in gold. They closed the stone casket once Thorin placed Eurig's sword in the dwarfs hands, Dis would not get to see her husband for the last time.
The wounds had been to great. The desecration upon his body . . . Nuil swallowed thickly as bile rose from her throat. Fili and Kili stood silently by the mothers side, each firmly gripping one of her hands in their own. The wept noiselessly, tears trailing down their cheeks, staring at the floor. Nuil blinked, desperately trying to let the salty tears fall from her own. It was not her place to cry.
But how she wanted to. His eyes were what Nuil remembered best. Soft kind brown, a hint of mischief. Kili had those eyes. Fili had the mane of golden hair . . . like his father. Yet all she saw when she looked into those brown eyes, was a vague emptiness that was called death. No spark, no light. Just dull, unblinking death.
She felt as if she was losing her family all over again. The pain tugging at her heart, the clenching of the organ that was only supposed to know love. Nuil remembered the dark nights in Mirkwood, filled with angry tears and pleas with the Valar to bring her mother, father and brothers back to her. She felt sick, as she gazed at the closed stone casket, in the pit of her stomach. It rolled around, pulling at her insides.
Nuil hadn't slept since they had found him. The nightmares were back. Eurig's face added to the horrors that filled her sleep. Blinking hard again, Nuil curled her hand around the letter within her pocket. It was from her brother Noledhe, demanding that she return home. Nuil couldn't do that, not when they needed her. Not after this.
Her brothers didn't understand. They didn't crave what she craved. A family, peace . . . love. Nuil knew she was world weary, and this was the first place since Erebor that felt like home. Eurig had been the first to welcome her here . . . The parchment crackled as she gripped it tighter. Was this her fault?
Of course not.
But it should have been her. If she had been there sooner . . . fought harder . . . not been so content where she was. Perhaps Eurig could've lived. They all could have, she thought bitterly. Your parents, brothers, Frerin . . . even Eurig.
Nuil waited, as Eurig's family said their farewells. As Dis cried over the tomb, her hand clutching the stone image of Eurig's hand. Her soft whimpers reached Nuil's ears. She lowered her gaze, feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt.
"Don't leave me . . .Eurig . . . we need you . . ."
Fili and Kili stayed at her side the whole time until Thorin pulled them away. He gave them to her, trying to look at her, but Nuil kept her gaze rooted on the floor or at her nephews. She took one of their hands in her own and began to lead them away. Thorin stared after her, watching as Nuil led Fili and Kili out of the newly built catacombs. He returned to his sisters side, wrapping an arm around her shaking shoulders. He knew his sister loved her husband deeply, though Thorin had never really approved of Eurig. But if his sister loved him as deeply as this, to become broken over his death, than Eurig did one thing right by Dis. He loved her, and she him. He gave her two sons.
Thorin only hoped that he could do his best to help Dis raise them. He owed that much to Eurig.
Fili and Kili were curled up together as Nuil hummed a lullaby to them. She tucked a large blanket around their sleeping forms, brushing their hair from their faces. Her mother used to sing to her when she was this little. But Nuil didn't have her mothers talent for singing, so she hummed it to them, softly whispering the words when the melody went too high for her to hum.
"Over the mountains we will go . . ." she took another breath and hummed, " . . . our home over rivers low . . ." Kili wrapped his arms around Fili, the elder mumbling and blearily looking to his brother before drifting back to sleep. " . . . sleep softly, in the meadows as I carry you home with me . . ."
There was a scuff of a boot from behind her. Nuil straightened, looking up from where she sat on the floor, her arm still stretched towards the little sleeping dwarrow. Thorin entered the room, hands behind his back, his eyes straying from her, following her arm, and to Fili and Kili. For a moment his blue eyes softened, before returning to her and hardening.
Nuil wondered what she had done. Had she made him angry? She knew he was upset over something. The twitch in the corner of his lips told her this, the deep unsettling unhappiness in his eyes.
Slowly he pulled something out from his pocket in his coat. Nuil's eyes followed the crinkled parchment, narrowing at the seal. Her brothers seal.
"Where did you get that?" she asked lowly.
"You were planning on leaving," he merely stated, an edge in his voice. He had been near intolerable since Eurig's death. Always snapping at someone, yelling if need be. Dis would sit for hours in the sitting room, silently working on something. Nuil found it suffocating, the oppressing sadness that permeated the air. Fili and Kili were her only solace and reprieve from the depressing two.
They at least smiled. They laughed, and tried to be happy. They were children, trying to make their mother and uncle happy, trying not to dwell on their loss.
Nuil rose to her feet, marching towards Thorin and brushing past him into the hall. He followed her, shutting the bedroom door with a click. The hall was dark, only the light from the living area allowing them to see each other. Thorin held the letter out to her, which she took, trying hard not to snatch it from him.
"When were you going to tell us?" He demanded. "Or where you not going to tell us at all? We would wake and you would be gone, with only a note to tell of your departure." His fists were clenched and he stared at her with hard eyes, nearly growling. Yet she saw the hurt deep down in those blue eyes.
Nuil took a deep breath fighting with the instinct to reply with a snide remark. "Of course not," Nuil said resting her hands on her hips. "I wasn't even planning on leaving. I had no intention of leaving anytime soon, even if he sent one of my brothers to fetch me. How did you get this anyways? Going through my room?" She raised a challenging brow.
Thorin took a step towards her. "I found it in the sitting room in passing, if you must know," he hissed. "I only sought to know your intentions. If you had left without word it would crush Dis."
"You think I would leave Dis without saying goodbye?" Nuil asked aghast and deeply offended.
"You have before," he sneered. What did he mean, before- oh. Nuil's eyes narrowed and white rage boiled up through her. He thought she did that on purpose? He thought that she let herself be nearly crushed to death in that mountain. That she let herself travel through the dark forest of Mirkwood, alone and barely old enough to be on her own.
"How. Dare. You." Shaking she turned away from him, angry with him, at herself, and Noledhe for sending that blasted letter.
"How dare I?" He breathed incredulously. "Do you not want to see you brothers? Surely you feel more inclined to follow them than stay here? You left without saying goodbye, Nuilweyil."
Nuil turned to him. Azanulbizar. Her face crumpled.
"You blame me for the actions of others? Of my brothers?" she breathed. Her shoulders slumped. "You think that I only care for my brothers . . . have I not done enough to earn a place amongst you?" She shook her head. "What of my words, and promises?"
I would stay by your side to the end of time if Aule permitted it.
Thorin reached out towards her, but hesitated, slowly dropping his hand.
"You cannot spend your whole life here," he murmured. "Our lives are different, you have your own family-"
"Are Fili and Kili not my family also? Is not Dis a sister to me? What of you?" Why was he doing this?
"You are not a dwarf!" he snapped, losing his temper, voice raising.
Nuil sucked in a sharp breath, feeling as if he had dealt a physical blow to her. Not a dwarf? Was that the problem, all this time? She lowered her gaze, hurt beyond belief. Nuil recoiled from him, backing up and distancing herself. Thorin seemed to realize his words too late, reaching towards her, regret shining in his blue eyes.
"Nuilweyil, I did not-"
"You are right," she cut him off. "I'm not a dwarf, I was a fool to think that I ever could have been anything more. Just a wanderer."
"That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean, Thorin?" she asked quietly the sting of tears threatening to fill her eyes.
"We are not your responsibility. You don't have to be here-"
"Even if I want to? Even if I am willing, and dedicated . . . loyal?" Nuil questioned. She could not say what she wanted to say, what her heart told her she should say. It wasn't her place, and it seemed, as if it never would be.
Thorin sighed, looking tired and weary. "I only mean that you should visit your brothers. It has been many years, and you have not seen them . . ."
". . . very well."
She pressed her palm flat to the cold stone, bowing her head and trying not to let the tears welling in her eyes fall. A deep pain filled her chest, she felt like she was being held under water, her heart ripped out from beneath her ribs. But she was doing this for him.
Always for him.
"Frerin you always knew what to say, to make things better," she murmured tiredly. "It's not the same without you."
Her forehead met the cool stone next as she leaned forward on her knees. She had never really visited her old friend's grave. Too scared of what she would experience or feel. Perhaps guilty that she was so close to his brother. Another pang filled her and she shut her eyes. Both hands now rose to the stone coffin, pressed flat.
"Forgive me."
Nuil took a shuddering breath.
"You were always a brother to me . . . perhaps if you had lived, I would have come to love you."
Her fingers curled into fists and then she pounded one of them against the stone, sending a shooting pain up her arm.
"Nows he's gone, and I have to go. Frerin, I don't want to go."
Another shudder ran over her as she steeled herself, hysteria held at bay for the moment.
"I love them too much. Please, Mahal help me."
With her head bowed against the tomb of her childhood friend, whom she loved and missed, she finally let herself go. The sound of her soft weeping echoed from the dark tomb, and down the lone corridor fading into the night.
Leaving tore her apart. They cried. Dis weeped as they embraced each other, Fili and Kili clung to her legs, begging, pleading with her to stay. Nuil bended down, taking each of their faces in her hands and pressing a kiss to their brows. Kili rubbed the snot running down his red face with his sleeve, hiccuping.
Wanting nothing more than to tell them she would stay she turned to the bundle beside her.
"These are for you," she said. "So that when you go traveling, you will be protected always." She clasped the large cloaks around their necks, smiling as the wool pooled around their feet. Fili and Kili's faces lit up, and their smiles returned.
"We can travel with you!" Kili cried happily. "When we're big!"
Nuil laughed, ruffling his messy brown hair. "Yes."
She gave one to Dis, and another to Thorin. Face falling she gave Dis another one, pressing it into her friends hands and swallowing.
"I meant it as a gift to him . . ."
Dis clutched it tightly. "He would have loved it."
Thorin escorted her from their home. Silently leading her through the settlement and to the bright world outside the mountain. She paused at the gates, turning to him. After so long, Nuil wasn't sure she was ready to face the world again. To travel alone in the wilds. And for the first time in many years she felt fear towards the prospect of being on her own.
"Thorin," she began, fear shining in her hazel eyes.
She was surprised to be pulled into a tight embrace, one of Thorin's large hands curling around the back of her head and holding her close. Nuil wrapped her arms tightly around his body, breathing in his scent.
Smoke, oak (not surprising), and the smell of earth.
Perfectly Thorin.
He pulled away, pressing his lips to her brow, shutting his eyes tightly as if it pained him that this was happening. Nuil shut her eyes and soaked in the moment. She didn't know when she would see Thorin again. Or Dis, Fili and Kili. There was always the chance that she would never seen them again. She could feel her heart breaking and she wanted nothing more than to beg him to let her stay.
"I love you," he murmured so quietly that she wasn't sure she had heard it at first. With a hand still in her hair, and another on her lower back he pulled her in for a passionate and fiery kiss. When would they have the chance to do this again? She did not know. But she savored it, memorizing the feel of his hands, the softness of his lips. A few stray tears escaped her eyes.
Thorin pulled away, looking down at her, whipping the tears away with his thumb.
"Stay safe."
T.A. 2896
27 years later . . .
She was in the Shire again. This time in Hobbiton. It was not unusual for her to receive the stares that followed her wherever she went in the Shire. No, as she wandered through the hillside paths admiring the flowers and the smells of baking food, she noticed that she had a new shadow following her. A few times she would stop suddenly, listen to the sound of surprised breathing, glance over her shoulder and smile.
On her third day in Hobbiton, her shadow finally mustered up the courage to talk to her.
"Es'cuse me!" the little voice called. Nuil glanced down at the little child hobbit at her side. He was practically running to keep up with her. His dark blond curls were covered in tree leaves and sticks. Nuil stopped, giving the poor lad a break.
"Yes?"
"Are you an elf?" he asked quickly, his cheeks coloring as his eyes went down to his little hairy feet.
Nuil laughed slightly, amusement in her eyes. "I am afraid not, little one," she said. She watched his shoulders slump.
"But you're so pretty!"
"I thank you," she hummed appreciatively. It wasn't often that she was told she was pretty. "But I'm not an elf. I am a wanderer and traveler of the land."
His eyes grew big with delight. "Really! I want to be an adventurer too! Can you tell me about it! Have you seen elves? Dwarves? Tall people? What's it like outside the Shire? Are there really mountains that touch the sky? What about wizards? Have you met any wizards?"
Nuil laughed. "Slow down! I shan't be leaving anytime soon." She smiled when the little lad took a deep breath and waited, looking expectantly up at her.
"Now," she hummed brightly. "What may I call you, young sir?"
The little hobbit grinned, straightening his rumpled clothes though it didn't help much, and looked at her proudly.
"I'm Bilbo Baggins!"
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~filimeala