The first time she smiled at me I was 7… She had just fallen off the jungle gym and I was helping her put on a bandaid. The smile was a watery smile that just looked so hopeful. For some reason I no longer cared that everyone was staring at me helping the new kid. I didn't see the problem anyway… I guess, long before everyone else did, I saw something special in her.
So now I am here, on her front porch, wishing I knew how to tell her exactly what I felt in that moment.
I was 7… How the hell do you tell someone you knew they were your soulmate long before the notion of love even entered your brains. I remember thinking in that moment this indescribable pull… Like my heart strings had latched onto hers and there was no force on earth that could tear them apart.
I think I knew, even then.
—-
The 2053rd time she smiled at me was the day we started high school… I could see the quiet apprehension in her eyes as she gathered the remaining reassurance that radiated from her toothy grin. She linked her pinky with mine and I could feel the trepidation as it raced through her veins… But I could also feel something new… Different… Akin to the winds of change as, for the first time, her pinky entwined with mine just a little bit tighter. As if it was full of hope.
I am here now… In the dusky light of the mid summer as I watch her face flit between emotions. How do you find the words? I thought I had them… I really did. I thought I knew just what to say to let her know that her star is the brightest in my sky, the one that guides me home when I get just a little bit lost sometimes.
I was 14… How can you even describe how high she makes your heart soar even though you don't know the specifics yourself? I remember feeling a different kind of trepidation… One full of grey areas and a hope for something i didn't even know i wanted.
I think I knew, even then.
—-
The 4367th time she smiled at me was the day I saw a sadness in her eyes I had never seen before… A sadness I never thought in my nightmares I would be the cause of… But I was. I saw the way the corners of her mouth fell as she tried her best to put on a brave face. I felt Karofsky's clammy hand in mine as both our denials wept from our skin, begging to be set free. I saw her face turn as she brought up the wall I swore to myself I would never face. That… That was the worst smile. The smile I thought would never be used on me…
I am here now… Feeling the age-frayed wood of the porch dig into the jeans on my knee as my weight rests on it. How can I possibly feel so unsure despite knowing that what my heart says is true?
I was 17… How is it that I denied something so strong that I knew to be so right? Why was giving myself to the one truth I knew would set me free so hard?
I think I knew, even then.
—-
The 9178th time she smiled at me was the day I forgot how to breathe… The day I forgot all words. It was the day I realised that my universe had always been just me and her. Nightmares and trepidation and all those things that kept me from her do not exist and have no place in this world. All that's left is this love… This love, so terrifying, so wonderful, so… complete is the only thing that remains. That day is today…
I am here now… With the soft cushion of a velvet box pressing on my palm as I kneel here before her. I keep asking myself how I was comfortable not knowing what it felt like to give myself so wholly to the entirety and purity of my love for her until now. I forgot how to breathe.
I am 22… How did I not do this sooner? I will count these smiles until numbers don't make sense anymore. The smile I see before me in this moment is that same smile I saw when I was 7… That hopeful, watery smile that makes my heart melt a little more with every beat.
I think I know, now.
No… I KNOW I know, now… Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
—-
"Brittany Susan Pierce… Will you marry me?"