Annnd taking a break from the last chapter, I've got a silly chapter for you! This is probably the last of the crack, unless you count this whole story. Then you've got three more chapters of nonsense. Just three!

Can I just say that this is also the longest story I've ever written for this site? Like, holy cow, that was unintentional. But here we are! Thanks to CAPJHMPAgirl for the review! How wonderfully kind of you! I'll keep updating for you, speedy speedster of reviews! :D

This is scarily enough the third update today. Not planning on stopping either, so… uh… Let's just not go to work tomorrow. Yeah, let's just skip that. Update all day. Yay.

An Office Family Reunion

Gill irritably twitched, downing his third cup of coffee that morning. He couldn't believe it, but he actually missed Vaughn and Molly. Logically, he wished Molly was around as her job was given to him for the Monday they were absent. But Vaughn gave him someone to glare at and throw blame on. To silently loathe for his suave ability at making him look like a bigger asshole. Which, Gill was sure was quite untrue. For the most part. But that was another story.

This day was horrible. He had twice the work, he didn't want to answer the stupid phone for another customer asking to be redirected, he didn't have anyone to hate on, Alice was constantly on his brain, and everyone was staring right at him.

Losing it, Gill threw down his pen and picked up the phone before it could ring twice. Covering the mouth piece, he snarled: "Next person who so much looks at me gets Basiled!"

Which was apparently a threat now. Eyes were successfully averted for the time being.

Gill sighed and addressed the customer. "Hello, you've reached the offices of Persuasive Papers, how may I help you?"

"Hello! I'm calling to ask about the package you had on sale for about fifteen percent off the—"

"Ach!" Gill cried in frustration. When he saw who stole his phone from him and hung it up, he glared impossibly harder. "What do you want?"

"Gill," Hamilton said very seriously. His entire demeanor was oddly somber. "This is a very important weekend for us. Where were you yesterday? Didn't you get my texts?"

"You're not supposed to call me on my personal cell," Gill snapped, snatching up his phone to redial. He'd rather talk to a needy customer than this so called father any day.

"We have to make up for lost time!" Hamilton insisted.

"Yeah, what'd you get him?" Dan sneered. "Wasn't yesterday Father's Day?"

"I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME," Gill threatened in a high pitched voice.

"Aw, you didn't go out with your own dad on Father's Day?" Rod asked glumly.

"What kind of a son are you?" Luke asked, now wearing a ring on his left finger he kept losing. Terry had to get his metal detector twice already. Though once it was stolen by Dan for kicks, so that didn't count.

Louis shook his head in disappointment at Gill from his office.

"We can still do something together today!" Hamilton punched his palm in determination. "Just say the word! Anywhere you want to go!"

"How about a fishing trip? That's a popular, father-son destination," Allen sassily smiled.

"Bugger off," Gill instantly retorted.

"Don't you want to do anything with your Daddy?" Hamilton's shoulders slumped.

Gill shuddered. "No. Just… no. I want to work, go home, and repeatedly hit myself in the head with a frying pan until I can induce amnesia. Every day. Until it works. That's all I want."

"No wonder your face looks like that," Allen quipped.

A vein popped up on his forehead. He massaged his temples. "This is my life now, isn't it?"

The elevator rang and heads turned in surprise to see who it could be. In stumbled Tina, waving her arms out in front of her. All of her clothes were put on backwards or inside out or both, and the usual bobble pin she wore in her hair was clipped at her hairline, making her bangs stick straight up. She had bandages over both of her eyes like goggles.

"I'm back!" She announced, dashing forward and stopping when she found the wall next to Louis' door. She traced along it until she found his head sticking out, fondling it excessively to discover who it was. "Aw, Lou! I should've known by the glasses. At first, I thought you were a mushy statue."

"Welcome back, Tina," Louis mumbled uncomfortably, two of her fingers still poking him in the mouth.

"Tina!" Alice greeted, willing to help be her eyes. She gave her a hug and took her arm in her own. "Good to see you back!"

"Alice! Wow, even your voice sounds like big boobs!" Tina returned with a friendly smile.

"Are you sure you should be here, dear?" Allen asked, carefully approaching her. Once she knew where he was, he reached for her barrette and fixed her hairdo for her.

"What? I'm fine! Full recovery!" She admonished with a raspberry. "Or at least my doctor said so. I can't take these things off my face until tonight, but my sick days are out, so here I am!"

"Gill, you couldn't give her just one more sick day?" Alice asked with a disappointed frown.

"First abusing your doting father and now this," Allen tutted ruefully.

"Will you—!" Gill fumed, crumpling the papers on his desk. "And I didn't know anything about Tina coming back today! Go home!"

"Aw, but I walked all of the way here…" she whined.

"You walked?!" Rod gaped as Alice sat her down in her own swivel chair.

Tina gave the desk an unsure pat. "Well, yeah. You can't drive blind! Duh! Man, Rod, you're dumber without a face."

Rod's expression contorted in despair, and Allen gave him a sympathetic pat.

Alice shook her head. "Tina, you live twenty minutes away. How on Earth did you wander all of the way over here?"

"Oh, that was an adventure, lemme tell ya!" Tina pulled the usual camera from around her neck and tried to hand it to her. Instead, she continually jammed it into Alice's chest before she testily grabbed it from her. "I took pictures!"

Curiously, everyone gathered around to see what Tina's journey looked like. All they found were about five hundred pictures of darkness.

"Tina, these are all black," Dan pointed out.

Tina gasped and huffily crossed her arms. "Dan! You're so insensitive!"

Everyone shot him a glare. Alice tapped her friend on the shoulder. "No, no, honey, he means you didn't take the lens cap off."

"Oh," she answered. "Well. This is awkward."

"Will you all get back to work?" Gill growled, still seated at his desk as per the usual in these frequent shenanigans.

With the attention back on him, Hamilton went back to tormenting Gill for bonding time. "Please, please, please, please, please? You don't even have to love me! I can be your sugar daddy and buy you video games and chicks!"

When the elevator rang again, the employees were completely baffled as to who it could be. Did Terry finally come up to clean the bathrooms? No, of course not. It was a strange woman with a hefty purse, a spring in her step, and a tight-lipped frown.

Gill immediately stood, eyes popping out of his head as she marched straight up to him.

With a voice of authority that even conquered Gill's, she demanded: "You there! Five foot radius!"

Hamilton jumped back and was standing just as Gill was – shocked still and scared stiff. He even saluted like he was expecting the order to belong to Vivi.

"I see the relation now…" Dan hummed, rubbing his chin. Luke mimicked the action, squinting at the duo before the woman and nodding in agreement.

She thrummed her fingers on her arm as they were crossed over her torso. She was tall, elegant, and ruthless. But suddenly, she dropped the harsh exterior and dove for Gill, licking her finger and rubbing at his cheek. "Gilly, you're so careless – have you been clawing at your face again? I see red marks."

"Mother!" Gill squirmed away from her.

"Mother?" Hamilton asked, blinking owlishly at the stranger.

"They're noticeable, dear; I'm doing you a favor," she licked her finger again and tried to get to his face.

"Holy MILF," Allen gaped, fist pumping. He had just encountered the jackpot of all jackpots.

"Mother!" Gill shouted again, grabbing her arms to stop her. "What are you doing here?!"

Now she gave him the incredulous look. She hefted her purse up over her shoulder. "I heard you were having a hard time here at work. Which should be filed as harassment—" she pointedly glared at Hamilton, making him shrink, "so I rushed right over to put a stop to it! Gilly, you need to tell me when someone's bullying you; I can handle it, baby."

Gill shook his head, trying to take it all in. "Wha… how did you even know about all of this?"

She tucked some of her shortly cropped hair behind her ear. "Don't you know? Molly's on Facebook!"

Firmly, Gill stepped around his desk and tried to lead his mother back to the elevator. "Mother, you need to go home right now."

"But Gill!" She cried, aghast.

"No. Now," he remained stubborn, pulling her along.

As they passed Allen, she planted her feet and lingered. She looked him over, taking his face in her hand and moving it left and right in examination. "Hm…"

"Like what you see?" He flirted shamelessly. Gill nearly blew his top.

"Not bad," she admitted. She gave his cheek a sharp slap. "Try again in five years."

"Mom… mom, no…" Gill held his pounding head. This couldn't be happening. It was like the dream of forgetting to wear pants to school, only the crippling shame and humiliation was the both of his parents and it was real. God, did he say parents?!

"Oh, but Gilly, why can't you show me around real quick? You never let me visit," she pouted.

He sighed. Even after everything, he still couldn't say no to his mother. "Very well… as long as you stop calling me that."

"Wonderful!" She smiled sweetly. She immediately glided over to the group still gathered around Tina. "Won't you introduce me, dear?"

"This is…" his face was breaking, contorting with bottled rage, "my mother…"

"Hi! I'm Tina!" Tina was the first to chirp, holding out her hand for a shake. It was aimed closer to Luke than anyone else, so he shook it. "You sound really hot for an old lady. And your hands are strong!"

"Why, thank you," she took the compliment a little hesitantly.

"My name's Rod—" before he could finish, Allen grabbed his face and pushed him aside.

Allen took up her hand in his own like a true Prince Charming. "Allen. It's a pleasure."

"Oh, my," she commented. Gill roughly slapped Allen's hands away, going after him and attempting to bat his face like an angry kitten. His mother turned to the rest of them. "So who else do we have here?"

"I'm Luke – I just got married!" He tacked on the latter like it was already habit. He sheepishly gave his bandana a pat. "Heh, she's the jealous type."

"I can tell…" she scrutinized, tilting her head with a smile. "But I can see she has nothing to worry about. How sweet! And you are?"

"Sleepy," Dan yawned, stretching his arms up over his head. "But I guess you can call me Dan."

"A night owl!" She chortled. "I'll be sure to keep my sentences short with you."

"It's appreciated, ma'am," he grinned.

Louis awkwardly shuffled his feet, wringing his fingers and looking down at his shoes. "I… uh… I'm Louis… the accountant…"

"How charming!" she almost seemed demeaning as she looked him over. She tapped up his chin, now mothering everyone in the office. "Chin up, dear; confidence is very attractive."

"My mantra!" Allen beamed, blocking Gill from clawing his eyes out.

"Wherever are Molly and that rude fellow you always tell me about? I'd like to give him a piece of my mind – the office is not a place for games… no matter how funny they are," she placed her hands on her hips.

"They're on a business trip!" Luke provided. "It's great – I didn't have to pack all of my stuff since they went for me!"

"And me! Don't forget me just because I'm blind!" Tina complained from Alice's desk below him.

"Hm, hm, hm…" Gill's mother hummed, looking down at the last person left. "So you must be Alice?"

"You know my name?" Alice asked, genuinely surprised. She couldn't help but feel touched that Gill might have mentioned her to his mother.

"Of course!" She giggled, confusing everyone else.

Luckily, no one was watching as Gill's face flamed up in embarrassment. He quickly swung his mother around and directed her out. "Okay, that's everyone! Thanks for stopping in, Mother!"

"Oh, already?" She sighed in defeat, waiting in front of the elevator with him.

"Bye, Mrs. Gill's Mom!" Tina waved at the ficas.

"It was nice meeting you!" Louis piped up with a jerky wave.

"Come in any time," Allen asserted with a wink.

Gill grumbled, waiting for the illuminated arrow to bring the elevator to them. The office goers began to chat about how great his mom was, and how they wished they could all bring their own mothers in for a happy reunion of showing off, fawning, and homemade cookies.

His mother watched him glare at the wall, and her expression became troubled. "Alice, correct? She's quite pretty. I'm proud."

Gill bit his tongue, but his face fell.

"Well, it's not like you had much to choose from," she continued, trying to goad him into talking. "Between her, a flat chest, and a blind girl, I suppose there really was not much of a decision."

"It's… not like that. We're not talking," he admitted, grumpily hitting the arrow again for good measure.

She lovingly wove her arm around his shoulder in comfort. "Oh, honey… you're an asshole."

"Wh-what?!" He cried, completely flabbergasted and getting everyone's attention back on them.

She spoke even softer so as to not go overheard. "You can't treat people like tools that can be disposed of, Gill. They want to feel special. Loved. Needed. If you really think it's for the best to forgive and forget, that's on you. But I know I raised you to know right from wrong, and I know… that you know… what you really ought to do."

Someone shuffled behind the pair, making them turn from the elevator in surprise. Hamilton cleared his throat again, patiently standing with his hands folded before him. "Ahem! But what about me?"

"What about you?" Gill muttered.

His mother's eyes narrowed. She pointed threateningly. "You…"

Hamilton paled. He scratched at his face. "Uh… yes. Me! Mr. Hamilton – Regional Manager here. At your service!"

"Oh, no he didn't…" Rod gasped. Luke snapped the z.

"I'd recognize that face anywhere," she testily tapped her foot a mile a minute. "How dare you harass my son in his place of work? You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You're lucky I haven't filed a civil suit against you!"

"B-but I'm his father!" Hamilton whined in defense.

"Ha! No you're not! Why do you think I raised him myself?" She snapped. "You were not supposed to know about, let alone interfere in my poor Gilly's life. That was the beauty of having a child at a clinic!"

"I wonder if she's still looking for donors…" Allen pondered. This time, Rod pushed his face out of the way. No one protested.

"I just want to be a good dad," Hamilton jovially grinned. "How about we… try to be a family?"

She faltered. After a moment, she looked to Gill. "If that's what you want… dear?"

Gill put a hand on her shoulder. "Mom, that's the last thing I want."

"Very well. It's decided then," she nodded. She rolled up her sleeves, testing the weight of her purse.

"Just like that? You're ruling me out? Not even going on a date with me first?" Hamilton tried to sway her opinion, slowly realizing he was only digging his grave deeper.

She simply smiled. "No, I'm going to beat the idea of fatherhood out of you."

"OW!" Hamilton wailed, getting the full weight of her handbag over his head. He sped away from her, running around the cubicles in the office for protection.

"Get back here, coward!" Gill's mother ran after him with a vengeance, holding her heavy bag high over her head and whirling it around like a mace. "You're going to find out why no man can live with me!"

"Can we keep her?" Dan asked.

Gill was going to definitively shake his head, but he paused, mulling it over as he watched his mother beat the ever-loving shit out of their boss. "You know, I'll think about letting her visit more often…"