Sorry I haven't been updating that much! I've had 4 major projects due this week at school so I've been pretty busy. I'm all so trying to write Alice into "blind banker" witch is my least favorite episode so I'm kinda unmotivated to do it, I'll press thew tho! Hope you enjoy!
"I'm home!"
I call walking into 221B.
"How was it?" Dad is sitting in his chair, pretending to read a book.
"Good!"
"I can tell when you're lying Alice."
I ignore dads comment.
"Where's John?"
I was overly anxious to change the subject.
"Out."
"Oh, I'll be in my room if you need me."
And I rush off to my room. I pull my iPod and headphones out of my backpack and quickly find the song I want,putting it on repeat. The words are instantly calm me.
You are the avalanche
One world away
My make believing
While I'm wide awake
Just a trick of light
To bring me back around again
Those wild eyes
A psychedelic silhouette
After just lying there for a few minutes I reach for my music box, I take out the smallest of the blades
and quickly run it over my thigh.
I never meant to fall for you but I
Was buried underneath and
All that I could see was white
My salvation
I watch as the blood runs out of me, what am I doing to myself, truth is I have no idea, not any more.
I take the small towel that I keep at the bottom of the box and press it agents my leg till the beading stops.
You are the snowstorm
I'm purified
The darkest fairytale
In the dead of night
And then when it's all said and done I just sit there and cry.
It was about an hour later when I hear the knock at my door. I know it's John because dad never bothers to knock.
"Hi John!" I say with my biggest smile, it's not all fake, John is the closest thing I have to a friend.
"Hi Alice, do you mind if I come in?"
"Of course not! Take a seat."
John sits at the end of my bed, moving my backpack to make room.
"Um Alice, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
Oh god, he doesn't know, he can't know.
"Um well your dad told me the, er, reason you guess ended up moving to 221B and I wanted to tell you that therapy has really help me with my PTSD and I think it could really help you to, but if you don't want to do that it's absolutely fine. But I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk, I can imagine your father isn't the easiest to talk to about these things."
No no no John isn't meant to know these things. It's like a switch I go into deviance asshole mode.
"John I appreciate your concern but it's highly misplaced, the truth is dad forgot to pay the rent one week witch happened to happen the same day him walked it on my playing with a gun I'd swiped from Lestrade, it was harmless really nothing to worry about."
"Alice..."
"I'd like you to leave now."
"Alice, I really do understand, I can help you if you let me."
"NO JOHN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTNAD! How could you possibly understand, how could you understand that I've never had a single friend in my whole life! Not one and I don't even remember my mother so dad is all I have and then when I was 6 he use to leave me with Mrs. Hudson for hours and when he came back even at that age I could tell there was something wrong with him, and there fucking was he was high as fuck and then he went away for three months and I had to stay with Mycroft and no one would tell me what was going on and then when he came back we had to act like nothing had happened and then we had to do the same thing when I was 7 and 10 and then finally Lestrade offered him a job and that's what got him clean John, not me not his own daughter his stupid fucking job! And you know what? I could have lived with all that, I really could have but then everyone at school had wanted my dead, turns out kids don't like other smart kids and the say what they think. Do you have any idea what that's like? They called me every name you could think of and then it turned into a game for them, who could make Alice cry first, who could pull the worst prank on Alice, they even locked me in the bathroom once, for hours. So yeah I tried to overdose but I could find enough pills and then I tried running in front of a car but it stopped so I was at my wits end and I swiped a gun of Lestrade and I should have done it because I still wish I was dead."
no you can't understand."
And then we just stand there for a minute letting the weight of my words fill up the room. I've never told a sole those things and I've just told them to a man I barley know.
"No no I didn't mean to say that."
And then he hugs me.
After what feels like hours he pulls away.
"I'm going to go make us some tea then we can talk okay?"
When John comes back with the tea I can barley look at him.
"Alice, I'm glad you told me that."
"I'm not."
"You're dad loves you, you know that right."
"Yeah.
"Good"
Then we just sit there and drink our tea.
"And a I speak for both of us when I say that it would break my heart to have anything happen to you."
"I know, it's just hard."
'Promise me next time you feel like that you wont keep it to yourself, tell your dad or me, or anyone but please don't keep it to yourself."
I tell him I wont, I hope he can't tell that I'm lying.