'Hatred of self.
Desolation,
Loneliness,
Pain,
Darkness.
Alone by accident,
Though if any knew,
Would they even bother to stay?
To die alone,
It's what I wanted, wasn't it?
I don't know anymore.
It is but it isn't.
Given a glimpse of what could be...,
I still want what I have but that could be keeps returning.
My only fear,
is what if he can't stand the way my moods fluctuate?
What if..., even with him..., I still want?
I feel...,
No, I know,
I will still want.
It is ingrained within me.
I do not only wish to make him sad though.
For I fear that's all I would truly do.
Torn, as always, hating, desiring, dying slowly.'
His mind laid bare, as always when he wrote. He was still torn about what to do about Kakashi. They were young still. But that didn't mean much. He wanted what he did, and largely, he did as he wanted.
His eyes flicked to the drawers beside his bed. One contained the knife he didn't carry on him. The blade was longer than was legal to carry. He stared for long minutes. Weighing, thinking, accepting.
He turned back to his notebook, flipping to a new page.
His script flowed neatly through a whole two pages. Finished, he flipped it back to the front page and stood, pushing his chair back. He crossed his room, picking up his knife and closing the drawer. He then walked to the bathroom. The blade was already out. He stared into his googled eyes. Everything orangely tinted.
Steel glinted in the light. He didn't feel the knife as it went in, he could feel the blood as it gushed out of the wound in his neck. A smile on his face as he crumpled to his knees, the depth of the gash allowing more blood to escape. It stained his favorite dark blue shirt, his hand, wristband, and then the floor as he fell, his eyes closing one last time.
Despite what had happened between them earlier, Kakashi had still doggedly followed Obito. He could see into his room from the tree he was sitting in. He watched as Obito sat, writing, then got up and took something out of a drawer. Minutes passed as Obito did not reappear. Kakashi jumped from the tree, running to the door and kicking it open with surprising force for one his size. As it banged against the wall, he was rushing to Obito's room. He still wasn't there, so he backtracked, the bathroom. And that was when he found him. Bleeding, the knife beside him, Kakashi crouched next to him, grabbing the roll of toilet paper and ripping off a chunk and pressing it hard to his friend's neck, his other hand fumbling his cell phone to call an ambulance. He could only hope he wasn't too late.
They arrived with sirens, he was shuffled out of the way, not even allowed a ride with them in the back. And so he ran as far as he could, walking the rest of the way to the hospital.
Due to blood-loss, Obito was in a light coma, which he should come out of within days.
Kakashi did not leave his side except for the bathroom, just sitting there, staring at his friend, paler than ever.
When Obito's eyes opened, Kakashi hugged him hard and tight.
"K-Kakashi...?"
Reluctantly, Kakashi released him.
"I... I am alive... Which means..., you saved me..." Obito sounded bitter, very, very bitter about that.
"Of course I did," Kakashi said simply.
Moments later in the tense silence, a doctor walked in and told Kakashi he would have to leave the room for a few while he spoke with him.
When Kakashi was allowed back in, Obito was hollow-eyed.
"You know, whatever happens, I'll always be here for you."
"You know what they said? They're putting me in an institution. Mandatory therapy and medication. Nothing even relatively pointy. Cavity searches to make sure I take my meds. Do you have any idea what you've done?" it came out harsh, perhaps harsher than he had intended.
"They'll help you. Better than I can," Kakashi insisted.
"You're a fool, Kakashi Hatake. If you can, go read my note. Try to have them give it to me, the notebook I mean. Tell them it will help my therapy go better. And it will. They can inspect it beforehand."
"Whoever has found this and presumably me, know there was nothing that could be done. This was my destiny from the day I was born. I wanted it for so long. For so very, long. At last, I did it, the gods could not stop me this time! I got what I wanted. I lived my life in darkness. I felt only pain to be alive. A life I did not want nor deserve. I treated my shell terribly, and everyone hated me anyway. So, dead I lay, uncaring I am of the world and what becomes of me after these words are read. I was finally able to fulfill my dream.
Kakashi, if you happen to read this, know that whatever you were trying to do, it failed. Maybe, if you were less cold to everyone, if you allowed yourself to feel, you could save someone from this fate. But not me, I was not meant to be saved, not by you, not by anyone. Just know I got what I wanted. And..., I suppose, I loved you. Even if neither of us had a chance to know for sure, to experience it to it's full extent. Know it for truth. Someday, I believe you'll find someone to make you happier than I ever could. Someday."
After reading and doing as Obito requested, Kakashi was confused. All he had wanted was to help Obito. He had done the right thing, hadn't he?
And so, Obito laid in that hospital bed and cried. He was denied, again. All he would have to show for it was a lousy scar.