Chapter five. Remember guys please review, you can tell me what you want me to do more of or improve and that sort of thing so I can make it better. Okay thanks. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter five: Castor's POV
I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore. Waking up at five in the morning, shaking and sweating. Feeling the angst build inside me. Bubbling like coffee inside my chest, rising up into my mouth until I just had to scream.
Sometimes, I'd try really hard. As the pain would suffocate me, drown me I'd do my best to silence it and allow my red raw throat a break. I'd do my best to stay in the shadows, away from prying eyes.
It never worked though, all I saw, all I felt was disgust, all I felt was anger.
It would consume me, tearing me apart bit by bit until it just had to escape.
Sometimes I didn't feel though, that was even worse. Empty and numb, the nothingness would just wash over me like a dark blanket and I'd choke on the air filling my lungs.
I wondered what it was that was wrong with me.
Still, I already knew the answer, it was genetics.
Castor Sirius Regulus Black.
Son of two of the most prominent death eaters in the UK.
I buttoned up my shirt, my hands still shaking slightly, the fingers trembling as though it was some impossible weight that I just couldn't get rid of.
I managed to get my hands to stop shaking just long enough for me to finish and put on my tie. I took a few deep breaths as though my chest would just cave in on me and it would all be over.
As though I could just fall to the ground at any second and be consumed by all my fears as they festered through my brain. Toying like a cat and mouse with me as I begged for there to be some way that I could be safe.
"Castor?" It was a dreamy voice. A girl's voice. Luna's voice. She had always been there for me. She'd visit me every day while I was being nursed back to health from the cut on my torso.
The way her eyes glimmered like a still lake, no ripples dared to disturb the surface, it sent jolts down my spine.
Still, she did this thing. This wonderful thing, she'd smile and I'd feel all my problems wash away with one small lift of her lips. My eyes would relax and I'd be free. I'd feel complete, no longer lost in my own self-disgust.
She affected me like no other. Fabian and Colin were my best friends yes but Luna… Luna was so close to me that I feared she would rip me apart with the words 'I hate you.'
I imagined that, constantly, that she'd just slap me and say she wanted nothing to do with me. That I was a disgrace. A joke.
That wasn't the way Luna was though, she cared, she really cared.
She made butterflies appear in my stomach, she reduced me to tears when I thought that she might be in danger but most of all. Most of all she showed me friendship and for that I was ever grateful.
So, today I decided I'd try hard as I opened the door to the fourth year boy's dorms. Luna would want me to try hard.
Her face represented that, she smiled when she saw me and I felt my stomach do flips. Running a hard through my unruly black hair I followed her down to where Fabian and Colin were waiting.
"How come Luna's in here?" I asked, surveying the decor of the Gryffindor common room. Gold and red filled each and every corner, with leather armchairs and a crackling fire… I felt good. I felt home.
"We let here in," Colin said proudly, opening the portrait to let me out.
The halls were bustling as it was early in the morning and I did my best not to get lost in the crowd. I kept my eyes on Fabian's wild brown hair and that managed to keep me looking forward as we darted through the crowd.
I wondered if she really liked me as she glided over in her effortless way to sit at the Ravenclaw table. Cho Chang caught my eye and I looked away instantly. After Cedric's death the girl was a ghost of her former self. Her eyes were submerged in dark rings which were the mark of sleepless nights. In some way I felt her plight, I knew what it was like not to be able to sleep, after that night at the Quidditch world cup I hadn't been able to sleep.
I too had dark rings that just wouldn't fade, my pale skin turning even more sickly, looking as though I was really dead.
"The Hogsmeade weekend is coming up!" Fabian grinned at me, taking a place next to me while Colin sat across from me.
It took all my concentration to even stay awake and focus on him, "Who are you going with?" I managed to just get out before my mind went numb.
"Hannah Abbott obviously dim wit, she is my girlfriend," Fabian said, I was glad that neither him nor Colin seemed to have noticed my demeanour. The way that my head drooped, the way my eyes had that haunted look that I'd tried so hard to rip myself of.
The look that would never fade. The look that was forever in my eyes because with it was the memory, the memory of the Quidditch cup, how maybe someone there could have told me about my parents. About Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, about how they were coping in Azkaban if anyone knew anything. What they were like as teens. Their childhood. I was desperate. I would spent long nights looking at that scrapbook as though my life depended on it.
Fabian had been dating Hannah since the middle of last year, of course some people saw it as a betrayal, he a Gryffindor dating a Hufflepuff when the ensuing fight over the true Hogwarts champion was still ongoing.
Hannah had venomously supported Cedric as they were quite good friends so it had been a shock to all that she'd accept Fabian's request to go out with him. It had been a shock to me that he'd actually asked her out as well, I knew that he like both Colin and I thought that it wasn't Harry's fault. That he hadn't put his name in the goblet of fire and that the Hufflepuff's were being unfair.
Still, they'd managed to see past their differences and were for the most part and lovely couple.
"What about you Colin?" Fabian piped up.
"I think I'm just going to go with some friends… if you're not going with anyone Castor I'll stick with you and Luna," Colin beamed.
My head looked up at that. I didn't have a date. I'd never had a date.
I imagined that maybe there was someone out there who could actually care for me, then I'd remember that I was a Black, affiliated with darkness.
I'd remember that I wasn't important. I just a joke for other peoples amusement.
"That sounds fine," I nodded to him.
I managed to catch Luna after classes had ended, she was skipping around, with her hands swinging next to her, she headed through the Hogwarts grounds.
She was like a nymph, dancing gracefully through her playground, playing like a tiny child with nature. Where others saw a strange girl consumed by her own imagination all I saw was someone who didn't care in the slightest what others thought. If I could be more like Luna I'd feel proud of myself.
"Oh, Castor. I didn't see you there, I'm visiting the Thestrals," she said in her dream like state, her eyes lighting up as I went into step with her. Not skipping mind you.
She reached out her hand as the dark black creature bowed its head in submission, allowing Luna to touch it.
"Can you see them?" She asked me.
"Yeah."
"Who did you see die?" She asked me, her hands following the path down the creatures head as it flapped its wings slightly, signalling some kind of enjoyment.
"I… I… my aunt told me that when I was little she, after much bargaining,… she managed to get me a visit with my mum. She thought that even if I probably wouldn't remember them it would be good for me to see her one last time. A prisoner in the cell next to her died… they'd had enough and they just slumped down dead. Of course my aunt rushed me out of there straight away. Screams following us down the corridors. She hoped I'd forget the day but I still have a vague recollection of it. It had been a stupid idea she said. I don't really remember my mum from that, I just remember the prisoner as they let out one last scream, I see that image but instead it's my mother's face replaced in my head. Then she's dead and gone," I mumbled. My voice was quiet and I didn't know if Luna had heard me but from the way the smile faltered a little and the way she turned to look at me in total honest well… I guess she heard me.
"I'm sorry," she replied, "You haven't been sleeping well have you?"
I did a double take. She'd noticed, she'd seen through my façade. She'd seen through my persona, the persona that sometimes slipped, that said I was okay. That I wasn't filled with haunting ghosts that consumed me every time I fell asleep. I shook my head as her cold hands moved to take off my glasses, her beautiful eyes gazed into mine and I felt my breath be caught somewhat in my throat.
My stupid emotions that would never rest were starting to surface again.
"You know that scar on your body only means your strong Caster. It's nothing to be ashamed of, I've lost my mother but like you I would do anything to see them again and I will see her again. That scar just means you've lived through more. You've lived and survived," she smiled, her eyes twinkling as she held my glasses in her hands.
"Do you know what it's like Luna? To look in the mirror every day and see her eyes staring back at you. To see her crazed, demonic eyes. To see the eyes of a killer, the killer that gave birth to you, to see her in yourself. To see both her and your father in you when they both tortured a boy's parents to insanity, a boy who you like to consider your friend. Do you know what that's like?" I asked, my hands shaking as looked deep into my eyes.
"No, I don't because I don't see Bellatrix or Rodolphus Lestrange staring back at me right now. I see my funny charming best friend, my best friend who doesn't care that I believe in nargles. My best friend who makes me happy every time I see him. My kind compassionate best friend who is nothing like his parents. I just see you Castor, you and only you," she smiled. Her magical voice drifting into my ears as I couldn't help smiling, even if just a little bit.
She put my glasses back over my eyes and I blinked, readjusting to the difference in vision.
"Sit with me Castor," she smiled, her hand dragging me to the floor. She wasn't Loony Lovegood, not to me.