Supremacy Part 14

It was like a spell had been broken. But not in the good way that Disney movies would have you believe. No magic kiss or the rest of my life falling into place with three little words.

No, this was the opposite. The spell I was under, that everything between Kitty and I was ok, was shattered. She said she loved me. Even if she didn't actually feel it, the damage was done.

What was I doing to this girl?

This was all just supposed to be a bit of fun, experimenting, using each other to escape from our respective realities, right? There weren't supposed to be any feelings, anything beyond the physical need to touch somebody. Obviously Kitty didn't see this the same way.

She couldn't love me, couldn't she?

But even as I think this I look down at her in my arms and feel a sense if warmth flow through me. I can't help when my cheeks tug the corners of my mouth into a smile.

I roll onto my back, my arm still under her neck as she uses me as a pillow. I stare at the ceiling.

What am I going to do?

This is when things start getting messy. She doesn't know this yet, she hasn't had to deal with love and relationships... She so young. My first instinct is to protect her from it, but that means protecting her from myself seeing as I'm the one doing it. Everything is contradicting in my mind and the weight of the thoughts in my head starts to push down on me, and it feels like I'm suffocating.

I look at her sleeping soundly one last time before I ease my arm out from underneath her. I need to move away from her, how am I supposed to think clearly when I can feel her breath on my skin?

I slip out of the bed, padding lightly into the bathroom. I quickly step into the shower, turn the water on and stand directly beneath it. I don't even notice the temperature. The sound of the rushing water and the pounding of the droplets drown out my senses. When did I decide that sleeping with a 16, wait, 15 year old girl was a good idea?

Everything I've been feeling over the last hour watching her sleep spills over. I know I'm crying. It's not the usual body wracking crying I'm used to, but even through the water I know there's tears running down my face.

I can't do this to her. Both paths end with her getting hurt.

I can let this continue, let her continue to fall for me, hell, I can even let myself fall, but what's gonna happen in the next year? Next two years? What will everyone say? She's too young to make this sort of decision, and I definitely shouldn't be making it for her.

The other path is to just end it now. Call it what it is and just leave it. But I can't do that either. This is her first... relationship. I shake the word out of my head. No, don't start thinking about it like that.

I can't do anything tonight. Not on her birthday. I want to let her have at least this memory of us.

I don't know how long I'm in there before I hear the door open. I don't turn around, I don't want Kitty to see the hesitation in my eyes.

"You started without me."

I quickly draw a breath, and force a smile. Ok, so I don't have to force it that hard. Even with everything in my head, her voice calms me, and I wonder again if it's still just physical for me too. I hear her open the door to the shower, and turn to face her. Her body quickly moulds to mine and her lips meet mine as the water hits us both.

The kiss is slow and intense, and I can't help when I moan into her mouth. I break our lips and turn us around so she's closer to the wall. I can't look at her, I can't look into her eyes and convince her everything is still ok. I turn her around again so her back is pressed against my front, and her hands come up to press against the tiles. I slide my hand over her hip and run it down her stomach. My fingers slip against her clit easily, and my wet body slides against hers.

As I slowly draw her orgasm out of her the tears return. I gently cry as she moans my name, her voice echoing on the tiles.

The rest of the night moves uneventfully. We order room service, and lie on the bed whilst watching some crappy reality TV show on re-run. Kitty's body hugs my side, and I try not to focus on the pulling feeling inside me to hold her that little bit closer, that little bit tighter.

She leaves in the morning, kissing me deeply, wishing she didn't have to go. I watch her as she walks down the hall, waving to me as she rounds the corner. And once again I'm alone with just my thoughts.

I meet Santana at the entrance to the hotel, and we make our way to the church together. I feel detached, like I'm watching myself go through the actions. We take our seats, and I'm desperate to tell her what's happening, desperate for another view, and some advice. I say something about men being pigs, and how useless they are. I'm almost there, I take one last breath and turn to her, but Santana gets distracted by Marley entering and saying hi. I give a small wave to the trio as they stop for a moment to chat.

I still manage to get my other view on the topic. I hear Ryder ask why Kitty isn't here with Puck, and Marley says that she has family commitments. Ryder then calls Puck creepy for dating a sophomore, since he's 19, shouldn't he date someone his own age?

I instantly look away from them. This, this is what I don't want for her. Everyone jokes about it because it's Puck and in no way can ever be serious, but what about us?

I start to think there must be something wrong with me. Why can't I just be attracted to someone my own age? Why does it get me so worked up thinking about Kitty? Especially seeing as the thing that gets me worked up the most is thinking about how much younger she is than me.

The wedding doesn't happen, and after Santana very gently, I'm sure, asked William about the reception, the party started. San and I beeline for the bar, and I'm very glad I brought my fake ID. I need to get alcohol into me, now. I know it's not the best solution, but right now I need something to take my thoughts away from Kitty.

A few cocktails in, ok, maybe more than just a few, and it doesn't seem to be working. My thoughts aren't entirely about Kitty, but they're Kitty related. I just can't work out what it is about her that makes her so different. Is it that I only get a thrill from someone younger than me? Is it the fact that no one has touched her but me? Is it that I'm just fucked up in the head?

I need to get rid of these feelings. I start to realise just how wrong what we're doing is. Not just wrong, illegal. The alcohol is doing the opposite to what I'd hoped. I start getting panicy, worrying that there's something connected wrong in my brain that makes me get wet over Kitty Wilde.

I wish she were here, so we could sneak off to my room quickly while everyone's distracted and have sex whilst still in our dresses. We'd return with our hair fixed and our make-up done, but everything just a tiny bit messier than before. Not enough for anyone to notice, but enough that each time we looked at each other from across the room we'd know.

Gah, there goes my brain again. Stop thinking about her! Stop thinking about how her dress for Sadie Hawkins would look amazing bunched up around her waist while my fingers sink deep…

No! Quinn Fabray, snap out of this. Am I going insane? Like, is this how it starts? Are there going to be paramedics walking around the corner any minute to take me away?

I need a distraction. Not only from my thoughts, but from Kitty. I need to just get all of this out of me. My eyes set on another drink that San has bought for me, and I finish off my glass to take the new one.

"Slow down Emily, they might run out of booze." Who's she talking to? Oh, that's right, you're Emily tonight. Emily Stark.

Maybe it's just because Kitty is the first person that's shown any proper interest in me for quite a while. Yeah, that must be it. That's all it is. I just need someone else to distract my body with, and all this Kitty stuff will just dissolve away.

And then my eyes set on Santana.

Problem solved.

She's still so wrecked over Brittany, and seeing her here with Sam won't be helping that one bit. She'll be up for it, I'm sure I won't even have to do much work.

I comment on her dress, remembering to refer to her as Rossario. She looks a bit confused at my flirting, but soon passes over when I leave my hand on her arm. We clink our glasses together, and laugh and joke and order more and more drinks.

I ask her to dance, and we quickly make our way to the floor. When a slow song starts, I pull her close and press my body against hers. She feels warm, and my head feels fuzzy. If I'm gonna do this, this is my chance.

"I've never slow danced with a girl before." She looks at me questioningly. What? It's not a lie.

"I like it." I push her body back against mine, and her fingers start to move on the small of my back.

The rest of the reception blurs, but I'm sure we weren't there for much longer. We take turns pulling each other towards my room, and once we're inside the door Santana's lips are on mine. For a while I forget why I'm doing this and just try to enjoy what's happening.

But as she ravages my body, bring me to my climax, the only thing I can think about is how it doesn't feel right.

Her skin doesn't feel as soft, her actions not as gentle. Her tongue presses too hard, and her fingers move too confidently. Her moans are too deep, too sensual, and she doesn't taste the same.

And as she lays there, her eyes look on knowingly, as if she has all of the answers and knowledge and confidence. Like she's going to show me something new and magical, like she's gonna change my world.

I'm missing the innocence. I'm missing the way Kitty looks at me like I'm that person. That I'm gonna be the one to show her those amazing things. The way she lets me lead, wants me to hold her, even just the way she says my name.

I'm missing the trust she has in me.

Which, I realise now, I've completely gone and shattered with my actions in the last 7 hours or so.