Iron Man - It's A Wonderful Life

Chapter 10

December 24 - 6:07pm

One erratic drive in Manhattan is the same is any other, but though Tony was out of practice, he had years of experience navigating the city's traffic while intoxicated, and eventually wended his way home. The garage was his own, so it didn't matter if he slid haphazardly across the available spaces to stop at an acute angle that nearly brought him into contact with the Aston Martin.

Spilling out of the Audi onto the floor, Tony laughed in self-loathing. He hadn't felt like this since his birthday thirteen years ago. That had ended with him coming out of a drunken stupor in a hotel room in Cabo two days later, accompanied by five unknown women, no idea how he'd gotten there, and his cell phone frantically announcing Pepper's ongoing search efforts.

Those days had been so much simpler. He crawled toward the fender of a nearby mustang and used it to help himself stand. Messy, but they required far less from him in the way of being an adult and having to deal with things that were too petty or troublesome for him to be bothered with.

Tony stumbled across the floor, landing with a hard slap, hands flat against the polished steel of the elevator door. A blind thumb stabbed in the direction of the call button, brought an immediate ping of the signal bell and the doors parted so that he could tumble safely inside. The icons on the wall panel blurred together sickeningly, and Tony braced himself with one shoulder against the way to get his bearings, then poked at the glowing 'W', and slumped back again.

After a shotgun ride up more than ninety floors that did unpleasant things to his stomach, the elevator hung, vibrating, like a suspended breath.

"Please provide access verification."

"Uh…" Tony swore under his breath. He knew seventy-two digits of pi, but he couldn't remember today's- pie sounded fantastic, maybe Pepper could- Pepper.

"Access-"

"1227-514-103-930-1225" Her birthday, her hire date, the day he promoted her, the day he first knew he loved her, and the day she agreed to love him back. A lot of his access codes revolved around her, but today the affectionate gesture only reminded him that he'd failed her, and in failing her, would lose the best thing to have ever come into his life.

J.A.R.V.I.S. affirmed his clearance and granted him admittance, welcoming him by name in clipped accented tones as the lights within the lab blinked on the moment the elevator opened. Tony lunged to the nearest bench and used heavy fingers to pry at the buttons on his jacket. Failing that, he left the offending garment on, and shoved past the workstation to the horseshoe desk, and the chair behind it. It spun beneath his weight; Tony heaved a wearied sigh and pressed his fingers against the sides of his nose in an attempt to still the pounding that was now establishing a steady percussive rhythm.

"You appear to be well-oiled, sir."

Tony snorted with laughter that lasted more than a minute. "Well-oiled," he agreed with a giggle.

"Shall I alert Ms. Potts to your return?"

"No." The humor dried up quickly, and Tony sunk back into his regrets as thoughts of Sunset, and what he'd done, returned full force. "No, don't disturb Pepper."

Soon enough he'd have to confess everything. He'd have to tell her about the kiss. Tony hadn't instigated it, returned it, or even enjoyed it, but he had been there, and he had let it happen. Parents told their children to make good choices, to not put themselves in the path of temptation. Tony didn't believe in the devil, but if he existed, Tony had danced a hair's breath beyond his reach for most of his life, wallowing in sin without quite getting his clothes caught on Old Scratch's fingernails.

Pepper was his angel. She was his salvation. Tony didn't kid himself that he was anywhere near as good as she deserved, but she made him better, and he did his best to make her happy, in return. Tonight, he could feel the claws digging into his flesh, and hear the mocking chortle of something whose breath was deep and hot, close against his neck.

He had strayed, and Sunset's kiss was just one in a long list of his sins. His over-indulgence in the bottle, his increasing failure to take a stand and face the media, the government, his own company; protecting his own people – this was not who he was. This was not Tony Stark.

He could see it in her eyes, the disappointment. The frustration, as she fielded questions and dealt with issues he should have been tackling. Crippled by his own post-traumatic stress and fear, Tony could do nothing but stay tucked up in his lab and watch on television, knowing that she understood, but wishing she didn't. Would she be as understanding about Sunset? He hadn't even begun to wonder what she would think about him signing over the defense contract.

Closing his eyes and letting the champagne rock him away on a gently rolling sea, Tony tried to find some sense of satisfaction in his freedom from that one burden at least. Sunset, with her siren-song, had been right about one thing: the defense contract had been a thorn in his side ever since he'd returned from Afghanistan and found himself still beholden to it, in spite of his best intentions. He wanted to be rid of it, and yet his soul - if he had one - was in tumult.

He must have drifted, the moroseness of his thoughts a dark escort into feathery dreams that left him anxious, and his chest tight, when he woke to J.A.R.V.I.S.' voice.

"Sir, I believe there's… something on the news you must see."

Tony had been hearing that often lately. "Not interested," he muttered, turning sideways in his chair to get more comfortable.

"Sir – I must insist."

The image screen came on, and to Tony's shock, Sunset stood before the front doors of Stark Industries, the President of the Board of Directors behind her.

"-In a stunning move, owner of Stark Industries, Tony Stark, has signed over the majority share of his stock to competitor, Sunset Bain, owner and C.E.O. of Baintronics. This makes her the new majority shareholder, and with 49% of its shares, this gives Ms. Bain significant control over the daily workings of Stark Industries. Underscoring this, Mr. Stark has also signed documents passing the infamous defense contract into her hands. What effect this will have on the rumors currently looming over him is unclear, but one thing we can say, is that Ms. Bain has promised to return Stark Industries to weapons production immediately. Still no word from Tony Stark himself, and officials have expressed their intentions to meet with him at the earliest possible moment."

Tony jerked to his feet and stumbled, nearly falling, toward the work sink, just in time to purge himself for the second time that night. Hyperventilating, he hung over the basin, mouth gaping as he sucked deep lungfuls of air in to quell the anxiety rising, prickling along his spine and through his extremities. He couldn't see the drain, couldn't see anything, could feel nothing but the panic swelling in his chest until he worried his heart might explode.

Slumping to the floor, Tony was still breathing hard, and he curled into a ball. She'd done it again. Goddamn, that bitch had done it again, and he'd fallen for it. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to find a place of calm, the way he did when nightmares of dark, stifling caves; pain; and the sensation of drowning woke him in the night.

Pepper. A deeper, stiller breath, and then another. Better.

"Shall I inform Ms. Potts abou-"

"No!" She may have been his calming thought, but her finding out about this before he was ready was the least calming thing Tony could imagine. "I'll tell- I'll tell her when I'm ready. I can't now, not like- not like this."

He had sinned. He had strayed from who he was, and his weaknesses had let her down. The memory of Sunset's lips upon his made Tony shiver. He wanted to shower immediately, but before he could get to his feet, J.A.R.V.I.S. warned,

"Ms. Potts is on her way down."

"Shit." Reeling to his feet like a toddler, Tony raked a finger through his hair and looked wildly around for… something, he didn't know what. But it was too late; the ding of the elevator announced Pepper's arrival, and he knew his expression telegraphed his guilt, for she stopped after only three steps to look at him curiously with that laser-precision gaze of hers that so often caught him out. "Hi," he breathed.

"Hi." She kept looking. "Are… is everything alright?" It was a stupid question, and she knew it. Of course everything wasn't 'alright'. Things hadn't been 'alright' for some time now, but he knew it was obvious that something was bothering him more than usual, and that would worry her.

"Sure. Yeah. What?" Tony grinned, and it was horrific.

Pepper winced. She could press the issue, and had; for months she had alternated between pushing him into action, and tip-toeing lightly over sensitive areas she could tell were evoking painful memories he was not prepared to face. He had put her in a difficult position, and knew she was prepared to help him whenever he was ready to let her. He tried. Dammit, he tried, and they managed in fits and starts. It wasn't much, but Pepper was patient. Frustrated, but strong enough for both of them. He could see that, and he loved and hated her for it. All along, he had known he would hurt her. Letting her go would kill him.

"We need to talk." Patience and pushing – apparently this was one moment she needed to push.

Those were some of the worst words any woman could say to a man and Tony felt his heart drop out of his chest. Pepper was more intelligent than anyone gave her credit for, but how she'd found out about Sunset, he didn't know, and it was uncanny. Then again, perhaps she didn't know, and had simply grown tired of his cowardice. She was a confident, powerful woman, and he would not be surprised if she had decided to walk away from the mess – the even greater mess – he'd become. Either until he got his act together, or permanently if he did not. Tony wouldn't blame her.

Tony nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Of course." He hobbled back to his desk and sunk into his chair, a soldier ready to face the music. There was one bright note – she would be free, and he would be spared the torment of trying to hang on to the one good thing that remained in his life because he couldn't bear to let go of her willingly.

"Make it a clean cut, all right?" Tony wouldn't look her in the eye.

Frowning in confusion, Pepper stared at him until understanding dawned on her. "Tony," she went to him, sitting on his desk and brushing her fingers against his cheek. He inched his head away, deeply ashamed, but in the same moment, captured her hand and nuzzled his face against it needily, his lips pressed against her. She looked like she wanted to cry.

"I'm not leaving you. You and I have been through way worse than this; you think a little media scandal is going to scare me off?"

She was over-simplifying. He knew it, and yet he wanted badly to believe she meant it, even if she didn't know the whole story. His voice was raw. "I've been…"

"We've been through worse," she repeated definitively. "And we'll get through this too." Her hand fell on his, her eyes following the motion in an uncharacteristic attempt to avoid his gaze. "We'll have to." Pepper took a breath, and Tony realized she had something important to tell him.

"I'm pregnant." Pepper had never been a coward, and she forced herself to meet his eyes again, scanning his face for his reaction. "I know we didn't plan it, and it's not exactly the ideal time…" Far from ideal, with Tony's mental state less than stable, the government giving him trouble, and their business suffering due to their negative reputation in the media. This was something very real and immediate they needed to deal with though, more important than anything else.

There was worry on her face and hope in her eyes, which grew as wonder slowly blossomed in his chest. Except in joking hypotheticals, they had never talking about having children. Tony remembered the family he'd seen, two Christmases ago with his mother: a redheaded mother and daughter, with a dark haired father, together in the park. He'd wanted it, and now…

Then joy turned to horror, and Tony pushed her away, avoiding Pepper's gasp of shock, as he struggled to put some distance between them.

Tony shook his head, grasping it in both hands, his hair standing on end. The worst thing he could do was bring a child into all this. Into his world. His drinking, his despondency – Tony had become his father. His father, who had been cold and cruel; who had never once told him he loved him until long after he was dead. Tony would be a horrible father, just as his own had been.

"I can't," he whispered. "I can't be a father. I would destroy it. I don't deserve-" He choked, and the desire to drink was overwhelming. Tony went for the cabinet containing a bottle of scotch and fumbled it open, his hands steadying only when it was in his hands.

Pepper gaped at him with a numbed expression, knowing, he knew, where his reaction came from, and seeming to fight through the razor sharp edge of her heartbreak by grasping onto those decades of hurt he'd suffered.

"You are not your father." She was assertive, passionate, the voice used the same one that directed his life on a daily basis, and that he found comfort in for its dependability. "I know you, you're a good man. You're loving, and good partner, and you'll be a wonder-"

Tony laughed. It was a hard laugh, one he'd never given her before. "You call this a good partner?" He gestured around them with the empty glass to nothing in particular. "We both know I'm a wreck, we're just in denial."

"No, I'm not in denial." Pepper said quietly and evenly. "I just don't love you conditionally. You're strong, Tony, and so am I. This is not the worst thing we've faced."

"I kissed Sunset tonight." Make it a clean cut, that's what he had said. For her sake. Save her from himself. He would not only destroy their child, he would destroy her.

Pepper stared at him, her mask of Mona Lisa impenetrability sliding over her face, that particularly daunting expression that even made Tony nervous. After a full minute, as if divining the truth from his face through psychic means, Pepper decided, "No you didn't."

Tony wanted to lie to her, to insist that yes, he had kissed Sunset, that he had instigated some sordid affair that constituted an actual betrayal in the traditional sense of the word, but in the face of her unnerving formidability, he admitted, "…No." He hadn't poured the drink yet, and he wished he had ice, but the scotch would have to do on it's own. He tipped the bottle. "She kissed me. And I-" hand shaking, golden liquid slopped over his fingers. Tony swore under his breath.

"You left," Pepper said simply.

Admiring that she knew him so well, and cursing her for it, he simply nodded. "But I put myself in a position to allow it to happen. I've done a lot of that lately, and do you really think that's any kind of example to set for a kid? For your kid?"

"Tony," Pepper came to him again and gently took the un-tasted tumbler from his hand, putting it aside. "Please listen-"

"No." He stepped away from her, not wanting to risk her touching him and melting his resolve. "For once, you listen to me. I can't do this. I won't put you through what my mom and I went through. You deserve better; you both do. With all the shit that's about to rain down on me?" Tony shook his head, strengthening his determination by reaching past her to grab the nearly full bottle of scotch. "Take what you want, it's all yours. Everything. The government will seize it when I go to prison, anyway."

Pepper tried to stop him; he was backing toward the door, but Tony continued to talk over her.

"As for the kid –" He avoided her eyes, finally turning his back and stabbed at the elevator so that he could get inside and escape her as fast as possible. He delivered his parting words over his shoulder with as much harsh finality as he could muster. "I'd get rid of it, so that its father won't be tempted to try to be a part of its life and ruin it in spite of himself."

He made the mistake of turning around in the split second before the doors closed, just in time to see the anguish he had put on Pepper's face.

The bottle was half empty by the time he tumbled back into the garage.

Happy was there, a shammy in hand, polishing the hood of the Bugatti. "Hey, boss," he said amiably, his cheery smile cutting Tony more deeply than seemed reasonable. "Going out?"

"In the fastest car possible," he answered.

Maybe it was the panic in Tony's voice, but Happy stopped what he was doing and turned to take a more considerate look at his employer, realizing for the first time that he was completely inebriated. Happy had been Tony's bodyguard back in the days when his boss's idea of a good time had been to see how much sex, drugs, and alcohol he could cram into one night, every night, so he was accustomed to handling situations like this. Not so recently, but he slid back into the role with admirable ease.

"How's about I give you a lift? Take you out in style?" Happy tossed the shammy aside and headed for the box filled with keys for the multitude of cars lined neatly up along the garage floor. Tony noticed that even the Audi was now properly arranged to conform to the appropriate feng shui.

"I want to drive." He tried to push past the larger man, but Happy stood in his way.

"No, I think it's better if I do it." He selected a set at random and looked at the tag. "Here's the Stingray. That's a good one. Where were you planning on going?"

His hand on Tony's arm, steering him toward the car, pissed Tony off. Jerking away and reeling back, he punched Happy in the jaw. It was a stupid thing to do to an ex-boxer, but Happy had enough sense not to retaliate against his boss and good friend, certainly not while he was drunk as an ass.

His eyes darkened though, a hand lifting to thumb away a trickle of blood from his nose while controlled breaths expanded and compressed the barrel of his chest. "You get one, Tony."

"You're not my dad, Hap. You're not my chaperone, you're my employee." He enunciated the word with such vitriol that hurt pooled behind the resolve in Happy's eyes. "If I want to drive myself, it's none of your goddamn business."

Happy stole a glance at the bottle, still in Tony's hand. "I don't think that's such a good idea. And Ms. Potts would be real sore with me if I let you do something foolish like this that might get you hurt – or worse."

Pepper. Tony's heart raced, and the keys grasped loosely in Happy's upturned hand blurred in Tony's vision. He had to get out of there, had to get far away, where they couldn't be hurt by him any longer. He had to-

Tony must have hesitated long enough for Happy to believe he was going to acquiesce. Snatching the keys from Happy's loosened grasp, Tony's staggered backwards, bringing the bottle to his mouth for another dose of courage.

"You're fired," he spat. Make it a clean cut. "No one tells me what to do."

He pulled away with a screech of tires, refusing to look at Happy's forlorn image in his rearview mirror.