Well, I might believe in being discrete when approaching a difficult subject, but that doesn't mean that I'm good at being discrete. I am most certain that Lily has noticed that I've been avoiding her.
I have. While she doesn't scare me anymore, it's the other people who scare me. That's the difficult part of loving someone, isn't it? Other people's opinion has an impact. It's easy to say that love conquers all and that 'they' don't matter, but they do when it's one-sided.
This lead to the uncertainty. Lily and I are new friends; we hardly know each other. For example, she can't see the signs when I'm stressed; she hasn't learned them yet. This means that I don't know her as much as I'd like, and that I have absolutely no idea how to approach this situation.
I could be honest and get it out of the way. Lily is a reasonable and secretive person after all; how bad could it go?
But then I see her. Scantily clad, as per usual, striding through the halls, the masses. I'm reminded that the mere sight of her is my guilty pleasure. I'm reminded of how beautiful she is, how bright, how caring she can be, how special she had become to me.
And then she's gone. I'm reminded how she doesn't know of this, and I feel like a pervert. It truly is sordid, to ogle at someone, to undress them with your eyes, remembering soft touches and the feelings she made you feel...
I feel special around her. I want to be. I want her to know that she's special to me. It would be a beautiful thing we could share. We'd treat each other like we were sick all the time, spoiling each other rotten, no rhyme or reason other than just because...!
What a beautiful, possible utopia. But when I remember my perversion, it darkens.
Isn't it normal, having such desires tainting love? It is, certainly...but she's unaware, and I can't live with that.
You probably think that I should just tell her. She wouldn't be unaware, and hey, dreams might come true. But then it might be certainly one-sided, and instead of unaware, it's non-consensual. The first question one asks oneself after being told that you have a crush, is if you think lewdly of this person. And the answer is obvious: 'yes'. I would force Lily to know that I sincerely desire her.
Despite this, I can't ignore the fact that avoiding her won't help.