Chapter 5

The oak of discord

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5 years later

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Many balls had taken place in Eurwen, and Emma's ears had been filled with many melodies and her waist embraced by many young men. Bae still had her favors though. She got used to the heat of his body and his scent mingling with the smell of the straw. She didn't want anyone to know, because she knew he was not a suitable match. She was already twenty three years old, and very surprised that her parents had not tried to marry her to some prince yet. We don't want you to marry someone you don't love her mother had told her once. Great. But... Emma still had no idea what love was.

She had given up her quest many years ago, she had dropped the books and the lyrics, the poems and the plays. She did not manage to understand what Deirdre felt for Naoise. She only knew that lying next to Bae and letting her body give up to the delights of the flesh felt good. She had accepted the inertia of what the bards called "love", and the fact that she was not to feel it. All she craved was freedom and euphoria, dizziness and restlessness. The walls of the castle and of her condition kept her from the immensity of the world, but when she was with Bae in the stables she felt like she was far, far, far away from the rules and the protocol... She was Emma. Not Princess Emma Elea of Eurwen. Only Emma. The freedom-lover. The woman.

Lughnasadh (1) was not far, and the rays of the sun fell heavily on the meadows and fields. The peasants ripped the corn, the privileged stayed hidden in the fresh shelters of their castles of stone. But Emma, despite her condition and the supplications of the old Mary, decided to sneak out of her room at the hottest hour of the day.

"Princess, your complexion..." said Mary with despair, "you can't just expose your skin to the sun like this, you'll look like -"

"A peasant," Emma continued, "I know. Peasants are suntanned, royals are 'moontanned'. I know the saying Mary."

"Then why going out when everyone would rather be at your place?"

"Because I'm not everyone."

She winked, and left her old nanny mumbling behind her. She took her notebook, the one her father had offered her for her eighteenth birthday, and headed to the gardens. She wanted to see the Enchanted Forest and continue her drawings. And this hour was perfect, for the sun was still high enough in the sky to flood the landscape with its light but descending enough to create beautiful shadows and shades. She wedged the notebook in her waist belt and started to climb the old oak (2), her oldest friend.

Her hands clutched on the coarse trunk and she could inhale the invigorating scent of the moss. She had been repeating the exact same movements each day of her short life, but from all the things she had done endlessly, it was the only one that felt right. Climbing this good old tree and sitting on the highest bough, remaining still for a couple of hours, the eyes fastened upon the branches of the ancient trees of the forest she could only dream of. She did not know what was hiding underneath this sea of leaves. All she could see was the dance of the sun rays on top of the fir trees and the cool shadows winding through this evergreen and mysterious stretch. When she was up there, with no one to bother her but the west winds playing with her hair, she felt free. She had always wanted more, more than the balls and the stories she was told. The legends were nice. But she wanted to create her own. And when she was on top of the world, alone in this oak tree, she imagined the life she would have liked to live. She chose who she wanted to be, what she wanted to do. And no one could ever take this away from her.

As she reached the top of the tree, she noticed something wrong: a bough she never clutched to was cracked. She immediately froze and looked closely to the top. A shadow was moving up there. A human shadow. She kept climbing and progressively managed to make out the silhouette of a man. This scent... This heat...

"Bae?" she exclaimed with surprise.

The young man turned his head to the sound of her voice. "Emma," he said in a smile, "I thought you'd never came."

The princess opened her mouth to say something, but the words died on her lips. She sat next to him. "What are you doing here?" she finally asked.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"So you climbed this tree? You've got to be kidding me!"

"Oh now what? Is this tree still off limits for me? Come on Emma, you're not a little girl anymore. You don't fucking own this tree!"

"I don't fucking want you up there, end of discussion! It's my place, my safe heaven!"

"I love you Emma!" Bae shouted.

The young woman froze at the sound of these words. "What the hell is wrong with you ?" she hissed.

Bae shook his head and bit his lip. He started to laugh like a maniac, rubbing his forehead with his left hand. "What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously Emma? I just told you that I loved you and that's all you have to answer?"

"What do you want me to say Bae? That I love you back? Well, I don't. I've never loved you, and I never will. You fuck me well and that's the only reason why I've joined you in the stables for so many years. But I feel nothing for you. Clear enough or you need me to draw you a picture?"

The young man was mesmerized. He sighed and his warm hazel look turned to ice. "You are nothing but a heartless monster, princess," he said lowly. "And I pity the one you'll let in, if you ever let someone in this cold world of yours." With these last words he groped his way down the tree, leaving the princess with her own demons: her lack of concern. These biting words had not even caused her to blink.

For what could possibly hurt a heartless princess?

About four months later, Bertha decided to shake her feather bed over the kingdom of Elanoriah, recovering the land with an immaculate whiteness. At least, that's what Emma wanted to believe. She remembered the stories the old Mary had told her when she was a child, she remembered how good she felt when winter came. And there it was, causing the good people of the realm to take shelter in their houses near the hearth while the princess liked nothing more than taking a stroll in the white gardens, her notebook in hands. She inhaled the purity of the air that burnt her nostrils and cheeks, she was blinded by the reverberation of the sun filtering through the mist on this stainless mantel. She leaned against the trunk of the oak and closed her eyes. Alone in the white, she felt strangely safe, sheltered. She felt like she belonged to the lonely winter, the season of silence and stillness.

"But why..." she whispered, her eyes still closed. "My mother, my father, they're the warmest people I've ever known. How can I be the daughter of winter when they're the avatars of summer?"

Suddenly, she heard a crunch on the snow. She startled and opened her eyes. A masculine silhouette cut through the white luminosity of the gardens.

"You," Emma sighed recognizing Bae.

"Emma, I... I miss you," the young man said coming closer to her. "It's been three months, and... I can't..."

"I know," the princess said, shaking her head. "You can't live without me. Bae, we've spent more than ten years together, and seven years closer than we should have. Of course you miss me. And I should miss you two. But here's the thing: I don't. Bae I do not miss you. I don't crave for your presence. I don't feel any... lack. I don't care."

She paused and peered into his eyes. She saw desperation, suffering, sorrow : what she should feel. She didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for him. Should he fall to his knees and beg her for one more afternoon by her side, she wouldn't be moved, she wouldn't give in.

"You were right," she continued after a few minutes of silence. "When you said I am a heartless monster. Bae I... I literally feel nothing for you. And I'm not sorry, I don't feel bad for you. I just... I-"

"You don't care," Bae finished for her. He looked so cold in this white universe. Cold and... resigned. As if all she had just said to him was already what he thought. "You know, when we met on this February day, fifteen years ago, I noticed this strength in your eyes. This determination. That's why I wanted to be your friend so badly. Because you were strong and cold while I was all emotions. I wanted you to be my strength. I didn't know back then that you would become my weakness." He took another step towards Emma and cupped her face in his hands. "But this strength I saw Emma, it's not bravery or determination. It's... the void. The nothingness. That's what I see in your eyes... What I've always seen. You're the void."

He was so close she could hear the beating of his heart. She could see the storm rising in his eyes. She knew that what he was saying to her was meant to hurt. She knew she was supposed to feel sadness, ache, something. And yet, she felt nothing. She just agreed. She was the void.

"Do you mean..." she managed to say, "do you mean that something's wrong with me?"

"I didn't..."

"Bae, I've known you for fifteen years. You gave me that look. You came to me to tell me the plain, unvarnished truth. Don't spare me now. What do you think?"

He opened his mouth and then turned his back and started to leave. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped. Without look at her, he said : "I think that this void of yours can be filled. And if it can be filled, it means it was full in the first place."

She narrowed her eyes and watched him disappear as he came, in the growing mist of this winter afternoon. The void... A hole. She felt nothing. She remembered her talk with her nanny, so many years ago, when she had asked her why she was 'so mean'. Just know that Evil exists, and you are not cast in the same mold as this wolf of yore, I promise, she had told her. Now she understood why she had killed those butterflies, why she hadn't cried when her faithful dog had died. She was not evil. She didn't care because, in a way, she couldn't. But... Why? She gathered her wits and headed to the castle with haste. Two people could answer her questions. The two people that knew her better than most.

She stormed into her parents' room, snowflakes detaching from her cloak and falling on the floor like icy feathers. "What's wrong with me?" she asked out of the blue.

Snow-White and Charming were both sitting on their bed, the old fairytale book laid on the Queen's lap.

"Emma what-" the Queen said incredulously.

"Why can't I feel anything, mother?"

Her parents were astonished. They looked at each other in panic, but also resignation. They knew this day would come. They just hoped it would not.

"I understand now," Emma continued. "There are so many things that become clear. Like why I never understood the stories you told me about love and feelings. True love that united Deirdre to Naoise, your true love. How could I possibly understand something I cannot feel?"

"Emma, sweetheart, please, sit," Charming said.

Emma did so, reluctantly.

"You're right," Snow-White began. "I told you these stories because I wanted you to know that this feeling could exist. I wanted you to grow up surrounded by love so that you would not... give in to darkness. But the truth is, I wanted you to understand this so hard that I pushed you to question it. You can't feel anything because..." Snow-White took her hand and caressed it smoothly. "You don't have a heart Emma."

Emma frowned and looked alternatively at her mother and father. At first, she laughed. But seeing the serious in her parents' eyes... "What?" she said, incredulous. "But how... how can I live without a heart? I mean how is my blood running through my veins, how..."

"A spell," Charming added. "A spell that put a fake heart into your chest. A heart that allows your system to work..."

"But which doesn't provide you any emotion," his wife continued.

"But... why?" Emma inquired as she got up.

Snow-White took a deep breath and stood up as well. "A prophecy said that on the most sunny day of October, a baby would come to this world. But by her twenty fourth birthday, her heart would be stolen from her, bringing chaos to the kingdom of Elanoriah and all the land we know."

"A sunny day of October? So you just guessed that this day would be the day of my birth ? And you took my heart off my chest so that nobody could take it? How sick is that!"

"Rumpelstiltskin was very clear about this, he knew it'd be you because-"

"Rumpelstiltskin? Isn't he the most evil being of all the realm? And you entrusted him to take care of my life, my heart?"

"We had to Emma!" Charming replied. "Your life was on the line, and so was the sake of our kingdom, we could not risk it!"

"You doomed me to a life of void, father. And you thought you could just keep that from me?"

"We love you Emma," Snow stammered, cupping her daughter's face in her shaking hands. "We both love you so much. You were just a one hour old baby, we couldn't stand the thought of losing you... Please, forgive us. All we did, we did out of love."

Emma remained silent for a while, observing the persons that had brought her to this world. The persons she should care about the most. The truth was hideous. "I don't love you," she stated as if it were natural. "I don't care. How could I ever forgive you?"

Snow covered her mouth with a trembling hand as Charming wrapped her with his arms. Their stone-faced daughter's words slapped them. Snow wished she could say something more, or just cuddle her and rock her as she did when she was a little girl, but she knew it was too late. She knew they just had lost their daughter.

Emma rushed out of the room and headed to hers. Once there she leaned against the window and cast a glance upon the far off Enchanted Forest. Lies. Lies, lies and love. Every single time she heard about this so-called most beautiful feeling of all, it always came with sorrow and corruption and lies and darkness. She didn't even want to feel it. She just wanted to taste freedom, and feel the beauty of the universe. She just wanted to feel alive. That was why she had agreed to spend time with Bae. These were the only times when she felt, even though it was purely physical. But now, even this was out of the question. She felt like her whole world was disappearing into a destroying black hole, every piece of her existence twirling into a meaningless smoke.

"Emma, are you okay?"

The princess turned her head and saw her little sister, who was now fifteen. "Kalyana (3), I'm not in the mood," she replied, tired.

"You're never in the mood sister," Kalyana said, rolling her eyes and jumping on her sister's bed.

"Just go away," Emma scowled. "I want to be alone."

"Nope. You're too much on your own, it's not healthy."

"Fine." Emma left the stone wall and opened the wardrobe. She hastily gathered some clothes and a compass and took a large purse.

Kalyana looked at her with perplexity. "What are you doing?" she inquired.

"None of your business," Emma retorted.

"Are you planning on running away in the snow? Emma, come on!"

The princess didn't listen to her. She grabbed her bow and quiver and threw them on her bed. Her eyes lingered on the small music box laid on her bedside table. The one her mother had given her when she was eight. She took it.

"Why are you taking mother's gift with you?" Kalyana asked.

"It's a valuable object, I could sell it a good price if I'm in need of money."

"What?"

Her sister was now terrified. She had realized that Emma not only was insane butdetermined to get away. The latter did not pay any attention to her and started to took off her dress.

"Emma, what the hell?"

"What? It's nothing you never saw, is it? And if you don't want to see, you can just get away from my bedroom."

Kalyana crossed her arms over her chest. "You won't get rid of me that easily."

Emma rolled her eyes and put on her archery dress: an amaranth linen dress with a suede corset. Then she put on her gray winter coat and grabbed her purse and bow.

"Sriously Emma, what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving Kaly. Now get off my way."

"Do you really think I'm gonna let you run away? Our parents will be devastated Emma, how can you do that to them?"

"You have no clue what they did to me, do you?"

Kalyana chuckled, appalled by her sister's behavior. "What they did to you? They love you Emma. As far as I can remember you've always been treated like the most precious thing in the all the realm."

"Get. Off. my. Way," Emma hissed, glaring at her sister.

"I won't let you go."

"Kaly you'd better step aside, now."

"Or what?"

Emma fished something into her purse. "As you wish," she muttered.

A sharp rustle of fabric, a muffled cry, the blood flowing down Kalyana's dress and staining Emma's hand. "I'm not sorry Kaly," Emma whispered while putting the dagger back into its case. She passed her without a blink, while Kalyana looked at her with astounded eyes, covering her wound with her hands. She had hit her to the side, and she felt the ache spreading into all her body. Emma was already far away in the hall when she heard the deaf sound of a body crashing down on the floor. She began to run, holding firmly her purse and the bow.

"NO! Emma!" she heard her mother yell.

She knew they would send the guards after her very soon. She didn't know whether she had killed her sister or not. All she knew is that she had not even hesitated before hitting her, diving the blade into her flesh.

She rushed to the stables and took her black mare, Nanna (4), praying for the guards not to close the gates. With all her might, she spurred it and raced towards the exit of the castle. The guards were already gathered and chased her down. They did not want to harm her, and the captains had known her forever. She knew she had the advantage. The gates were dangerously closing, but Emma did not hesitate. "Bua (5)" she whispered. The mare seemed to understand, for it sped up immediately.

"Stop her!" she heard a guard shout.

But it was too late.

She had made it, she was now on the bridge, the border of the Enchanted Forest right in front of her. A few meters and she would be in the Forest.

The snow was melting on her cheeks and every breath she took burnt her throat. But this ride had another taste, something she had long waited to feel: the taste of freedom.

Footnotes:

(1) The oak of discord : Inspired by the golden apple of discord in the Greek mythology, which led to the Trojan war.

(2) Lughnasadh : Pagan sabbat celebrated on August.

(3) Kalyana : Means "beautiful, lovely, auspicious" in Sanskrit.

(4) Nanna : Possibly derived from Old Norse nanþ- meaning "daring, brave".

(5) Bua : irish Gaelic for 'victory'.