One Moment
Chapter 11: Howling Ghosts, Part 1
Characters/Pairings: Lilynette, Rukia, Sode no Shirayuki, Starrk, Gin, Haineko, Tobiume, Rangiku, Hinamori, Shunsui, and Ukitake. Cameos by a bunch of creepy Hollow wolves. Shunsui/Starrk. Yes, no 'eventual' or 'almost-there'.
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~12350 for both Chapters 11 and 12
Chapter Summary: The differences between a monster and a man.
Warning: Nothing for this part of the chapter, unless you think slash/romance between two men count. If so, why are you here?
Notes: Again, this is one chapter in two parts. If you clicked the link to come here before reading Chapter 11, go back now. Nothing will make sense if you don't.
They reached the Fourth Division by shunpo in mere seconds, heading towards the room where Rukia and Lilynette were the moment they reached. It wasn't particularly difficult to find them: Lilynette had a carrying voice.
"I'm telling you," she said, sounding incredibly irate. "I don't need healing! Why don't you just focus on Kuchiki and leave me alone already!"
"You know," Shunsui said as he stepped into the room. "That's exactly what Starrk-san said when we saw him."
Lilynette whirled around. "Starrk? You saw Starrk?"
He took a long look at her, taking in the blood, the gore, the claws, and the fur. It was… extremely unexpected, but not nearly as much as the fact that he distinctly remembered her mask fragment being a full helmet instad of the eyepatch that it was now.
When he first proposed that Lilynette and Starrk could teach them more about Hollows, he hadn't expected the two of them to start throwing everything they knew out of the window.
His lips curled up slightly. "Mm. He came here at dawn or so, bringing Ukitake's Third Seats."
"Oh good," Lilynette said, and some kind of tension seemed to drain out of her. She sat down on the bed, turning around to glance at the unconscious Rukia-chan for a moment. "I was worried that he had gotten himself killed or something like that."
"Say, Lilynette-chan," Shunsui started, keeping his tone as casual and nonchalant as ever. "What happened to your mask?"
She sighed, giving him a tired look. "Everyone has been asking me that," she complained, dragging a hand through her hair. The roots, Shunsui noted, were light green, darkening to a forest-like colour at the tips. "I'll just wait for Starrk to come, because I know he'll ask too, and I don't want to repeat myself."
"Alright then," Ukitake said before Shunsui could even open his mouth. He stepped forward, smiling at Lilynette. "Why don't you tell us what happened to Kuchiki instead?"
Lilynette turned to look at the unconscious girl in the room, frown deepening even further. She reached out for a moment before clenching her claw-like hand and letting it drop back to the side, her expression troubled.
She was halfway through telling Ukitake about Rukia's battle with Sode no Shirayuki when the man interrupted.
"Kuchiki let her zanpaktou go?" Ukitake said, sounding horrified. "Does she know what that meant?"
"You have to ask her once she wakes up," Lilynette said, rubbing across the bridge of her nose. The wounds there – bites, Shunsui realised – looked raw, but they didn't open again.
She shook her head. "Anyway, when the sword was losing, that creepy guy appeared." She shuddered. "The one with the really long nails."
"Muramasa," Shunsui offered.
"Yeah, whatever his name is," Lilynette waved a hand. "He said something to Kuchiki's sword, and… Look, I thought the sword was going to stop fighting, because a Shinigami's sword fighting its Shinigami is stupid. It's not as if Kuchiki is a Hollow… But anyway, that creepy guy—"
"Hold on, Lilynette," Ukitake held up a hand. "What do you mean, 'as if Kuchiki is a Hollow'?"
Lilynette threw him a dirty look. "How the hell am I supposed to say anything if I get interrupted all the damned time?" she grumbled, but answered the question nonetheless. "Starrk said that the wolves are part of our swords, and it just makes sense for us to fight them because we are Hollows, they are Hollows, and generally when two Hollows meet each other they end up fighting and eating each other. It makes sense for us to be fighting our swords if that creepy bastard brought them out."
She took a deep breath. "But you Shinigami don't fight each other, right? You fight Hollows. So it really doesn't make any fucking sense for you to fight your swords. Your swords are part of you, aren't they? Isn't there some kind of saying amongst you about accepting yourself?"
Shunsui amused himself by watching Ukitake wince every single a swear word come out of Lilynette's mouth. But he was mostly preoccupied by what the girl was saying; what she was revealing about herself. She was, undoubtedly, just as clever as Starrk. A different sort of cleverness, however; Lilynette just seemed to know much more than Starrk did, as if she… remembered more of the world. She seemed to be hiding it behind the same kind of logical analysis that Starrk used, but Shunsui knew, instinctively, that it was different.
He filed that under the category of 'to be investigated on further'.
Ukitake nodded. "That makes sense," he said. "Will you please continue, Lilynette-chan?"
Heaving a dramatic sigh, Lilynette nodded. "As I was saying, the sword seemed to want to stop fighting. But that creepy bastard said something to her, and she went to his side like some kind of puppy. He looked at me and…" she bit her lip. "He said that I was interesting, but far too weak."
That was another fact for the same folder.
"Anyway, that's when Kurosaki dropped in. He shouted at Kuchiki, shouted at me, shouted at the creepy bastard," she snorted. "He's kind of dumb, honestly. Anyway, the creepy bastard paid him way more attention. He told him his name, and also that…" she hesitated, as if to increase the drama of the story.
"That he was a zanpaktou."
Immediately, her face fell at both Shunsui and Ukitake's lack of reaction. "You knew that already, didn't you?" she accused.
Shunsui exchanged a glance with his friend. "We guessed," he said dryly. "He clearly isn't a Shinigami or a Hollow, and he has a zanpaktou army at his command. It's the only logical conclusion."
"But it's good to hear confirmation straight from the horse's mouth, Lilynette-chan," Ukitake reassured quickly.
Lilynette didn't look appeased. She crossed her arms, huffing. "You just wasted your time questioning me then, because that's the most interesting thing I've got," she said, turning her nose up at them.
Ukitake's lips twitched
Then she sighed, shaking her head. "Look, I better get going. I have to find Starrk, and make sure those bastard wolves don't hurt anyone else."
"Wait, Lilynette-chan," Ukitake reached out, grabbing her by the shoulder. She stopped abruptly, staring at his hand like it was an alien object. Did she… was she surprised that Ukitake was touching her?
"Even if you refuse to be healed, you need a shower," Ukitake said firmly. "You can't go out covered in blood like this."
"Why?" Lilynette blinked. "I'm just going to get dirty again anyway."
"Well, a shower will make you feel better," Ukitake tried.
Lilynette fell silent for a long moment, staring down at her hands, eye shadowed by wisps of her now-freed hair. "Will it really?" she asked in a small, soft voice.
Shunsui winced. It appeared that he was getting off his game: he didn't realise until now just how much having to kill all the Hollows, to be splattered by blood and gore, would have affected Lilynette until now.
But Ukitake didn't seem surprised. He knelt down until he was eye-level with her, drawing her into a light hug. Lilynette stiffened, and Shunsui saw the way her eye went wide; saw her starting to shake.
"It will," Ukitake said softly. "At the very least, you won't feel sticky anymore. I'll call for someone to get you new clothes, alright?"
Shunsui moved forward, reaching out to place a hand on top of Lilynette's head. Her hair felt soft, like sink, and her mask fragment was warm. "It's better that you listen to Ukitake when he's like this, Lilynette-chan," he said lightly. "Or he'll be even more of a mother hen."
Ukitake shot him a grateful look, but Shunsui only shrugged. He felt the tension in Lilynette start to ease even more, and he was sure she was about to agree when a shout interrupted her.
"LILYNETTE!"
Starrk nearly slammed into the doorframe when he rushed into the room, panting hard. He seemed to be covered in even more blood than the last time Shunsui had seen him, mere hours ago. And he had claws too, and fur that extended up to the middle of his forearms, framed by the ripped pieces of what used to be his sleeves.
His eyes landed on Lilynette, and Ukitake barely had time to get out of the way before Starrk was rushing forward. The two of them practically crashed against each other, clinging tightly. Despite the change in their appearance, Shunsui couldn't help but think of the scene months ago, when they split apart after fighting Aizen and clung so tightly to each other that it was nearly impossible to separate them.
Then Lilynette ruined the moment by smacking Starrk hard on the head. "I was fucking worried about you, you asshole!" she yelled.
Pulling back, Starrk gave a hoarse chuckle when he looked at her. Shunsui watched, with a fascination like how one watched a carriage as it overturned, as Starrk's eyes widened and he gaped at his other half.
"Lilynette… what happened to your mask?"
"That's what we would all like to know too," Shunsui said dryly.
Starrk jerked a little, his eyes lifting up to meet Shunsui's as if it was the first time he registered that he was there. Shunsui was almost tempted to pout about it, but given that his current competition was the other half of Starrk's soul, he supposed he really couldn't complain.
"Ah, taichou-san," Starrk murmured. He turned to Ukitake and nodded at him. "Taichou-san."
Lilynette stepped back, dragging a hand through her hair. Flakes of dried blood scattered all over the floor as she sighed.
"Okay, you're all here," she said, looking at all three men. "I'm just going to say this once, okay?"
She turned to Starrk. "Do you remember Findorr?"
"Barragan's fraccion?" Starrk blinked. "Yes, but what has he to do with this?"
"Nothing," Lilynette waved a hand. "But do you remember how he could break off parts of his mask and gain more power that way?"
Starrk's eyes widened. "Oh," he said, nodding. "I see now."
"We're still lost here, Lilynette-chan." Ukitake said wryly.
Lilynette perched on the edge of the bed again, looking at Rukia-chan. "It's not just Starrk who doesn't like power," she muttered, almost too soft to be heard. "I don't like it too. I hate having power. It never comes to anything good."
She stared down at her hands, taking a deep breath. "When I split us up, I was really selfish. I pushed all the power to Starrk, but it still isn't enough." She bit her lip. "I wanted to be weak, really weak. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again by accident… So I decided to make myself even weaker."
Perhaps Lilynette's wounds caused from the long years of loneliness in the desert ran even deeper than Starrk's.
Touching her mask fragment, she gave all three of them a shaky smile. "I think this is what my mask fragment should look like. It's not the same as the mask fragment we had in our first resurreccion form, but…"
"Lilynette…" Starrk began, sounding hesitant and unsure. "If you don't want to hurt anyone, then why were you training with Yachiru these past months? Why were you trying to learn how to fight?"
"I don't want you to protect me anymore, Starrk!" Lilynette burst out, standing up. "I realised that if I'm so weak, then you have to protect me all the time, and you'll get hurt protecting me and I don't want that either." Her hands trembled. "And… and Kuchiki told me that she practiced every day because she didn't want people to protect her, that she wanted to protect her friends."
She darted another glance at the still-unconscious Rukia-chan. "I still didn't want power, but if… if I knew how to fight even when I'm weak, then it should be the best of both worlds, right? Then I can protect people without them being afraid of how powerful I am." She wiped at her face, messing it up even further as her tears mixed with the blood and smeared all over what little unblemished skin that remained.
"But it wasn't enough. Kuchiki was still getting hurt, and the wolves were going to eat her. I had to take it off. I don't want to, but I had to…"
"Lilynette…" Starrk reached out to her, uncertainty written all over her face.
Ukitake, who had been silent all this while, swooped down and drew Lilynette into a tight hug, holding her in her arms as she sobbed into her shoulder. Ukitake's Captain haori was getting all dirty, and he might just get a lecture from Yama-jii about that once this was over, but Shunsui had a distinct feeling that his friend didn't give a damn.
"It's a good goal, Lilynette-chan," Ukitake soothed. "Power is worth having if it is to protect the people around you."
"But…" the one who spoke wasn't Lilynette, but Starrk. "But won't you think that we're… horrifying? That we are monsters?"
He looked so lost there, with his hands outstretched, that Shunsui couldn't hold himself back anymore. Dropping down to his knees, he wrapped his hands around Starrk's hands, right over the fur and claws. The sheer surprise in those grey-blue eyes, the reluctant hope shining through underneath, was nearly enough to break his heart and make him fall in love with this man all over again.
"We'll never think of you as a monster," Shunsui said quietly, firmly. "Either of you."
Carefully, gently, he folded Starrk's hands, stroking his thumbs over the knuckles. The fur was silky soft, so much unlike a real wolf's. "Retsu-senpai told me that you have been bringing the injured here ever since the station is set up. Lilynette brought Rukia-chan back. And…" He took a deep breath, looking into Starrk's eyes. "The blood on you isn't just the wolves'. It's your own too. Both of you bled and fought so hard to protect those around you."
"How could we think of you two as monsters?" Ukitake added.
Something inside Starrk seemed to break at those words. He closed his eyes and fell forward, and Shunsui shrugged off his pink kimono before pulling him close, running his hands up and down that strong back to try to soothe the tremours he could feel.
At that moment, Shunsui found that he could hate a man he barely knew. He despised Muramasa; despised whatever it was that he did to Starrk and Lilynette's zanpaktou to force them to kill their own wolves; despised that the two of them were forced to grow fangs and claws and fur when they had such issues about acceptance in the first place.
"I'm getting your clothes dirty, taichou-san," Starrk said shakily.
"It doesn't matter."
"There's blood all over my clothes."
"I offered Lilynette-chan here a shower," Ukitake said quietly. "How about you take one too, Starrk-san?"
"The wolves…" Starrk protested immediately, tensing up.
Shunsui shook his head, rubbing at Starrk's shoulders. "You'll need to be at your best to fight well, Starrk-san. Besides, trust our forces a little bit more. I'm sure they can fend for themselves for an hour at most."
"I…"
"Stop dawdling and take a shower, Starrk!" Lilynette shouted. She peered over Ukitake's shoulder to meet her other half's startled eyes. "I want one too."
Starrk hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Okay."
"I'll bring Lilynette-chan," Ukitake said. "And Shunsui will take you, Starrk-san. Is that alright?"
The two Arrancar exchanged a glance before they nodded, sagging in the two Captains' arms. "Yeah," Starrk replied softly for the both of them. "That's fine."
Ukitake's gaze was boring into him, and Shunsui lifted his eyes, quirking a crooked smile when he saw his friend's gaze.
Shunsui would be the first to admit that, when they first decided to sponsor Starrk and Lilynette, it was nothing more than a gamble, especially for Ukitake. The power that the two of them were capable of was terrifying when they were enemies, but a huge asset when they were allies. Even though he had fallen for Starrk months ago, there was still a part of him that was planning and plotting, trying to find the threads of Starrk's being so he could wind them all around himself.
But now… now neither of them could even imagine the two Arrancar as assets, or tools, or anything resembling those terms, could they? Even while they drew the threads of Lilynette and Starrk's beings around themselves, they were caught in that web as well.
"Let's go then, Lilynette-chan," Ukitake was saying then as he lifted Lilynette into his arms. She wiped at her tears, nodding, before she turned her face to curl against his chest.
Ukitake's small smile as he kissed Lilynette's hair said everything. Shunsui was sure that if anyone ever made mention of what good tools the two Arrancar made in Ukitake's hearing, that poor person would be face-to-face with Ukitake's rarely-shown temper.
After all, no one spoke badly of any member of Ukitake's family. And Lilynette had become, whether she was aware or not, whether Ukitake was willing to admit it or not, his friend's daughter.
As for Starrk himself, well…
Shunsui picked up his pink kimono, draping it over Starrk's shoulders. He smiled at Starrk's surprise.
"Shall we, then?"
A lover was somewhat akin to family, wasn't it?
The water ran over his head, dissolving some of the coagulating blood, pushing off some of the dried flakes to fall onto the tiled floor. Starrk stared at all the red surrounding him, wondering if it was possible for him to drown in it. He looked at his hands, his claws, and turned one wrist around. The skin was buried beneath the fur, and he took a deep breath before he started to sink the claws in, to tear the fur off so he could see some sign that he was still—
"Starrk-san, I've placed your new clothes on right outside the shower stall. I'll wait for you outside."
He started hard, barely able to shout out a "Thank you" before staring at his hands again. The water was warm, but the lingering heat on his skin had nothing to do with it. He remembered the feel of Kyouraku's arms around him; remembered his calm, accepting eyes; remembered how Kyouraku took his hands into his own even though he should be cringing away or staring in horror like those two women had.
Kyouraku said that he would never think of Starrk and Lilynette as monsters, and though there was a part of Starrk that screamed at him, that warned him about the last time he believed in someone, he couldn't help but want to trust.
Instead of skinning himself, he grabbed the shampoo and started lathering it into his hair. Soap suds ran down his face, stinging when they met the barely-healed wounds, but Starrk relished in it. He stared hard at the wall in front of him, studying how each tile was separated from the next by a line of cement; studying the precise shade of blue.
If he kept his attention on that, if he held on tight to the memory of Kyouraku's words, then he could keep the memories of white walls away.
He dried himself and dressed quickly when he was done with the shower, opening the door of the stall to let out billowing smoke. Starrk blinked when he saw Kyouraku standing there.
"Done already, Starrk-san?"
Starrk couldn't answer. There was a look in those grey eyes, something deeply familiar that made his instincts start ringing alarm bells in his head. He knew what that was, but it… it had only been there for a brief moment, so it was likely just his imagination.
Nodding, he averted his eyes, rubbing the towel through his wet hair. "Ah."
"Alright then," Kyouraku said, perfectly cheerful. "Would you like to go out again, or would you like to stay a little longer and have a drink with me?"
Starrk hesitated. He knew he should leave immediately; knew he should go out there and stop his wolves from hurting others. But… he knew what Kyouraku said was true too: there were strong Shinigami out there, and they could protect those who need protecting. They knew how to fight.
And now that he was out of the shower, flashes of white keep intruding into his vision. If he went out there like this, he wouldn't be fighting at his best. If the memory of Kyouraku's warmth could help keep those flashes at bay, then…
Perhaps he could give it a try.
"Do you… do you mind if I tell you something, taichou-san?" he asked.
Kyouraku looked surprised, but when he smiled, it was wider than before. "Of course you can, Starrk-san. Would you like me to get some sake?"
"Can I have tea instead?" he asked, because he really wasn't very good at holding his alcohol just yet and he needed to be at his best when he was fighting later.
The Captain laughed. "Tea it is," he said. "Will you wait for me in the sitting room?"
Starrk nodded. He knew this place well now – Kyouraku's living quarters in the barracks of the Eighth – so he made his way there. Fixing his eyes on the wood, he ran through the words he needed to say, letting the strange shapes of the wood's grain chase the memories away.
When Kyouraku placed a full cup of tea in front of him, Starrk wrapped his hands around it, careful to not prod himself with the claws.
"Have you ever wondered why I don't like to kill, taichou-san?" he asked softly. "It must be odd, because I'm a Hollow."
"Well," Kyouraku said, sounding contemplative. "I had, but you have defied practically every expectation of a Hollow I have ever met, so I didn't think much of it.
Yes, Starrk thought. Yes, it was a good idea to tell this man, after all.
"I never liked killing," he said. "You know that I killed without wanting to, but… I hate killing because…"
He bit his lip, and forced himself to keep going. "Aizen called me into his rooms once," he started, and had to stop immediately because of the sudden flare of reiatsu in the air.
"Taichou-san, I can't talk when you are throwing your anger around like this," he winced.
"Sorry," Kyouraku said lightly, though there was a strange darkness in his eyes as he reached out and placed his hands over Starrk's wrists. "I don't like hearing the traitor's name."
Oh. Starrk blinked. "Would you like me to stop, then?"
Kyouraku shook his head hard. "Oh no, please don't," he said. "I'll control myself."
The weight of the air lessened, and Starrk breathed easier.
"Once, Aizen called me into his rooms," he started again. "He wanted… it wasn't what he usually wanted."
He was hedging, stalling for time. Starrk clenched his hands tight, forcing himself forward. "There was Arrancar there. Newly-made, I think. The Arrancar was chained to the wall, and it was barely intelligent, it couldn't even speak. And Aizen wanted… he wanted me to…"
He squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't have power in this room," he said, and allowed himself briefly to wonder at Kyouraku's sharp intake of breath. "It was made from something different from Las Noches. Something like your prison and… and the wrist restraints I wear."
"Seki-seki stone."
"Yes, that," Starrk nodded. "I couldn't… I couldn't even fire off a Cero in there. But Aizen said that… he said that he didn't want me to kill with my powers. He wanted me to kill the Arrancar with just my bare hands."
His breath was coming shorter and shorter, and he rushed through, throwing words out haphazardly. "I didn't want to, I really didn't, but he said he would be disappointed in me if I didn't and I wanted to disappoint him even less. So I killed that Arrancar, and… and I can't forget the way his throat looked like when I tore it out. I can't forget the way he tried so hard to breathe, the way his eyes stared at me like I am… I am…"
For the second time in half as many hours, Starrk felt arms enveloping his body. He clung hard, holding onto those broad shoulders, eyes staring at a spot beyond Kyouraku as he shuddered.
"I didn't even know the Arrancar's name. I didn't even know if he had a name. I wish I knew his name but that might make it worse."
Kyouraku was trying to hush him, but Starrk couldn't stop the flow of words anymore.
"After that… after that, Aizen pushed me to the floor and he fucked me there," no, no, he didn't plan to tell Kyouraku this, he wasn't going to say this! "He fucked me right next to the body and all I could smell was blood, and there was so much blood… He fucked me until I screamed and cried and then he… he held me and said I was… I was magnificent."
He buried his face in Kyouraku's shoulders, shaking hard, breathing so shattered that he was dizzied by it. But Kyouraku only held him harder, so much that Starrk could feel his heart beating steadily even through the layers of cloth that separated their skins. Starrk's hands twitched, and he just clung onto the other man.
"It's alright," Kyouraku was murmuring in his ears. "It's alright now. He's gone. You're safe now. You don't have to kill just to satisfy a monster anymore. He's gone now. Shhh…. It's alright now."
There were no tears. His body shook like a tree in an autumn gale, shedding its leaves to make way for winter, for the renewal of spring. His body shook as he shed all of Aizen's lies, finally releasing them from his tight, grasping hold to make way for the fresh green buds of truth.
Starrk didn't know how long he stayed there, shuddering. He didn't understand how Kyouraku could touch him when he knew that he had been Aizen's sex toy, but he wasn't going to question it. Kyouraku was giving him this, and Starrk had learned enough over the past months to know that it wasn't selfish for him to take what was given.
Perhaps… perhaps he had lied during the trial. When he told the old man that Aizen had committed no crimes against him, perhaps he was lying. Wasn't it a crime to have used someone like this? Starrk was a Hollow, true, but it didn't mean that he didn't have feelings, that he wasn't capable of feeling hurt, that he deserved to be used.
The first time he learned to recognise the taste of Kyouraku's anger in the air, the man was looking over the reports of a case. Three men used their greater rank and authority to force a woman to have sex with them. Starrk hadn't understood why something like that would make Kyouraku angry, but the Captain had told him, gently, about rape, about abuse, about how a person's feelings should be respected.
No one should be treated like a toy, Kyouraku had said. And Starrk had remembered just how the man's hands had trembled with the force of his rage.
Maybe the comparison weren't entirely fitting – Starrk was a man, and he did agree to join Aizen – but he had been running the two shapes in his mouth, and the edges of both made the insides of his mouth bleed. Maybe, despite the differences, they were the same thing in the end.
He calmed after long moments, breathing hard and wiping away the tears on his face. Kyouraku sat there, waiting, and there was rage in his eyes, rage directed towards a man who was being punished but was nonetheless out of his reach.
"Don't be angry at Aizen, taichou-san," Starrk said, and he was surprised at the strength of his own voice. He sounded exhausted, but the words were steady, no longer shaky and empty. "There's no use."
"Starrk-san," Kyouraku started. And Starrk's eyes widened as the other man leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his hair.
"I'll be angry at him all I want," Kyouraku whispered. "I'll always be angry at him for what he did to you, for the way he had forced you to do so much that you didn't want to.
"But Starrk-san…" the Captain pulled back, and there was that strange light in his eyes again, the one that Starrk had been seeing for the past few months. "I think I'll be happier that he didn't manage to break you and change you."
He reached out. When his hand touched Starrk's cheek, when those calloused fingertips brushed over his skin, Starrk froze. The look in those eyes…
His instincts screamed, and he nearly threw himself backwards. He kept himself still only because… because Kyouraku was warm, and his own hands had somehow tangled in that pink kimono.
"Do you…" Starrk swallowed, because he didn't really want to know. "Do you want to fuck me, taichou-san?"
Kyouraku's eyes went wide. His arms dropped to his sides, and Starrk watched, a little dully, as the Captain picked up Starrk's own hands, holding them in his own.
"I don't want to fuck you," Kyouraku said, soft and gentle. He lifted his eyes, and the smile was crooked and self-deprecating. "I want to make love to you."
Starrk blinked. "I don't understand."
Slowly, Kyouraku lifted his hands and started to kiss the knuckles. "In autumn," he began, voice hypnotisingly soft. "I learned to love you on the roof. I saw the way the clouds were reflected in your eyes and I learned how to look at the skies all over again. In winter, I saw you with snow in your hair, ice on your lashes, and a winterberry-sweet smile on your lips. I want, more than anything, to make sure that you always smile with such ease."
Starrk's head was spinning. He remembered that occasion, when Yachiru and Lilynette had dragged him into a snowball fight. He was covered in snow, wet and cold, but it was the first time he and Lilynette had played with anyone else. Kyouraku had been watching them then, and he was thinking this?
What was this?
"Now it is spring," Kyouraku continued. "Just now, when you stepped out of the shower, there was water on your lashes. The colour of your eyes was reflected in them, and I thought water was beautiful for the first time in a thousand years. With every word you speak, every act you make, my heart breaks. It breaks and grows stronger, bigger, but I don't think it will ever be large enough to contain all the love I feel for you."
When Kyouraku lifted his eyes, Starrk felt himself stop breathing. The look in there… it was so warm, so much that he was sure that the heat would seep down deep into his bones and lodge there for the rest of his life. If Kyouraku looked at him like this, if he always looked at him like this, then Starrk would never feel cold again.
"I don't know if I can ever give you what you want," he finally found his voice to say.
Kyouraku shook his head. "I'm willing to wait," he told Starrk with the same crooked smile. "I can wait until you are ready."
It could be a lie; it could be a way to manipulate Starrk. But what for? Grimmjow was right, so long ago: if Kyouraku had wanted to fuck him, he just needed to tell Starrk so, and Starrk would have spread his legs and let him. If Kyouraku had wanted to have him, then he could have it a long time ago, with all the favours he had given so freely. He could have asked for payment in the form of Starrk's body, and Starrk would have given it to him without knowing better.
But he knew better now, because Kyouraku had taught him about abuse, about choices, about so many things that Starrk's days were no longer empty.
He still slept more than most, but not as much as he did before, because every day brought something new… every moment was something new for him, by this man's side.
Distantly, Starrk heard the defences he had built around his heart ever since Aizen's betrayal shatter into a thousand pieces.
Dropping his head onto Kyouraku's shoulder, he pulled the other man close. He had never felt this way, like he was falling into an abyss but it was something good, something that he welcomed.
"Shunsui," he gasped out. "Shunsui."
Once, he told this man that he would call him by his name if he ever knew to trust him. Starrk had kept himself from trusting him for all these months, keeping him at arm's length, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Shunsui's arms wrapped around him, and he kissed Starrk's hair again. "If I had known that I just needed to tell you how I felt to get you to trust me," he said, amused. "I would have done so long ago."
He remembered.
For the first time, Starrk learned how to laugh, truly laugh, with tears in his throat.
Notes: Twelve chapters. Twelve chapters.
That is all. Please tell me if the wait is worth it, if nothing else.