A/N : First off, who said Emma got her heart back in the last chapter...? ;) And then, this is the chapter I was talking about on tumblr last week, telling that it hurt... You might hate me in the end. Shorter, but feels.
Listen to 'All is lost' and 'Listen to the Wind' (soundtrack for the movie 'The New World'). That's what I did while writing and it makes it all even more painful. You're welcome.
Chapter 12 : Pain's damage
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"Welcome to the fold dearie."
She didn't need to turn her back. She knew who stood behind her, even though she didn't remember their first meeting.
Him. Rumplestiltskin.
She turned around slowly, taking care of wiping her tears away. The Dark One was now standing right in front of her, a bloodcurling grin distorting his inky-black lips. "Sorry Princess, I didn't properly introduce myself, I-"
"I know who you are", she coldly reply.
The creature smiled and furrowed his uncanny eyebrows in surprise. "You do ?"
"I've heard enough stories about you, Rumplestiltskin", Emma let out with scorn. She paused a little while, scanning him, roaming his piercing eyes. "And I also know what you did to me."
Rumplestiltskin titled his head to the side, bringing his hand to his chin. "Oh... That..." he casually let out, "it was what, twenty three years ago ?"
"You want a candy for remembering it so well ?" Emma scoffed.
The Dark One parted in a dull laughter. "Careful dearie, you don't know who you're dealing with. Plus you don't seem quite in the state to fight back."
Emma's eyes widened. Of course he had noticed her red eyes and the dampness on her cheeks. "I am just fine", she answered with determination.
"No you are not." The imp took a few steps towards her, slowly setting his foot on the ground. "You are feeling", he stated, "and you're experiencing pain what's more. Did your blue-eyed pirate deceived you sweetheart ? Did he hurt that precious heart of yours ?" He paused and mimicked surprise. "Oh, wait, you don't have one."
The princess clenched her fist, anger starting to rush through her veins. "Then why am I hurting so bad ?" she gritted.
"None of my business."
Emma felt like her blood was going to burst out of her veins. "It is your fucking business !" she yelled. "You ripped my heart out !"
Rumplestiltskin remained calm and smiling. "And I haven't seen it ever since. Anyway, that's not why I came to you today."
"What do you want ?"
"What your parents promised my twenty three years ago." He paused and peered at her, twinkles of excitement in his eyes causing shivers to run through her body. "A favor."
The word rang in her ears and echoed the long-forgotten stories her servant Carys used to tell her. Imps who ripped hearts out and made deals with their victims. She was a victim. And the sole idea made her feel sick."I didn't make any promise so-"
"Oh no no no, don't try to elude this dearie." He shook his head negatively. "I am a specialist in contracts you see, I even taught that sea witch who wanted a mermaid's voice. Your parents signed the parchment, so you do owe me a favor."
Emma crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back against the tree. "I'm all ears."
"Good." The imp took a few steps towards her, and a bad feeling started to make its way in the pit of her stomach. "You, my dear little heartless princess, are going to go back to the Jolly Roger."
The demand caused her to jerk out from the trunk. "What ? How do you..."
"Spare me princess, I know that you know. There's nothing I don't know." He paused and sighed. "Where was I. Oh, right. You're going back to the Jolly Roger, pretexting you forgot something. Once there in front of the Captain, you'll tell him that he disgusts you, that he's the reason why Milah died, that he doesn't deserve to be happy, and..." Another smile filled the silence he had caused. "And that you don't love him, never have, never will. It's nothing but the truth after all."
The princess bit her cheeks. She didn't know why her heart clenched with every word this devil pronounced, why the idea of hurting Killian seemed to cut her breathing. "Why do you want me to do that ?" she asked.
Rumplestiltskin gritted his teeth. "Because I want him to feel the pain you're experiencing, even worse. A million times worse. For what he did to me. And because he believes that he can destroy me. I want him to suffer and die alone, just like he deserves to."
"Why would my words hurt him ?" Emma inquired, confused.
"Oh, right, the no heart thing", the imp replied with the ghost of a smile. "The poor soul's in love with you princess. So trust me, it will hurt him."
Emma's jaw dropped and she frowned in surprise. The words carried her heart to her stomach, dropping it there heavily, and air was once more running out. Killian Jones, Captain Hook, in love with her ? When he had avoided her touch, refused her advances ? This was impossible. He couldn't feel love for her. He couldn't be lost into her, worshipping her, cherishing her more than his own life. Rumplestiltskin was mistaken. Killian was not in love with Emma. Killian's not in love with me, she thought. But the more she repeated his sentence, the more if felt wrong and unreal. Deep down, she knew he was. Every parcel of her body told her so, her brain whispered to her the words her heart couldn't : Killian Jones is in love with you. And like a chant, this sentence rang in her head, and even though she wanted to understand what it meant, she couldn't. She just knew it made her feel something. Not love. But something. Like a crack in the armor. She was not indifferent. It didn't make her feel any different towards Killian. But she knew it meant something.
"What if I refuse ?" she suddenly asked.
"You won't."
Emma's eyes narrowed. "What makes you so sure ?"
A new spark appeared in the imp's eyes. It was a flame, an ominous flame, a flame of pity and scorn. "Because you won't have the heart to refuse."
The waves rocking the ship with strength and care. The sunrays scorching the wood of the deck. The sails flowing in the warm wind of spring. The seagulls filling the air with their screams. It was all so distant, so unreal, so unimportant. The world could crumble down, the sea could run dry, the sun could burst into a million pieces, Killian Jones wouldn't give a damn. They could come and arrest him, hung him high, skin him, quarter him, give his heart to the wolves and cut his limbs, it would still be less painful than the nagging pain flowing in his veins and poisoning his entire being. She was gone.
She was gone.
These three words seemed to pump in his chest with every heartbeat, as if his very heart chanted the refrain of the ugly truth, the greatest failure of his life, the end of all hope.
Emma was gone.
The Captain stood on the upper deck, his hook clawing the wood of the railing, his eyes locked on the relentless motion of the tide. The sharp ache that had nestled in his soul had vanished. Nothing remained, nothing but the certitude of the nothingness. He didn't feel anything. His mind was elsewhere, lost in the what-could-have-been, in an ocean of possibilities, of dreams he had cherished. Vivid images of the young woman churned around in his head. The gold of her hair limp in the clear water of the lagoon, the green of her eyes piercing his heart and diving into his soul, the red of her fleshy lips calling for his touch. What could have been. What could've been if he hadn't been that stupid, if he had done something sooner instead of waiting. Now it was too late.
Emma was gone.
And he couldn't help but hate himself for the mere sight of the clouds gathering in her twinkling eyes as he told her he was hired to kill her. Clouds he had never seen in her. Clouds that were now here because of him. Everything he touched seemed to be doomed to sorrow and ache. Milah had paid the price of his love. And Emma... Gods, he hadn't even touched her. How fucking ironic. He had waited, waited and waited, waited for the right moment to tell her everything, to finally have it all. But now, she was gone knowing a half truth. There was so much more to the story. He wished she'd come back so that he could explain, but in the meantime, he was glad she was away from him.
For you can't hurt if you don't touch.
What a simple tought. He had never ached that much than ever since the gentle face of princess Emma had vanished into the docks.
The waves brought the name of Emma with their flow. The wind carried its letters. The sun flooded him with her smile.
Emma was gone.
But she was everywhere.
"You can do this. Dammit Emma, you don't even care, so why couldn't you do this ? It's nothing but the truth."
The princess was making her way back to the docks, her eyes still red and her cheeks still damp. She didn't have a choice. She had to honor this favor, even though she hadn't agree to it. One more thing to hold against her parents.
Wait, is that grudge ? She wondered in awe. All these emotions overwhelming her while her heart was still out of her chest... How was that even possible ? Was this a crack in the prophecy ? But... how ?
She kept going, her feet carrying her while her brain was invaded by billions of questions. Like what was this strange and ominous feeling in the pit of her stomach, the hunch telling her this was wrong, the... fear of doing what she had to do. Yes, she was afraid. How could she feel all of these emotions while she didn't care about this pirate ? She was sure of this. She didn't feel any love. Just... ache and suffering. As if her emotions unlocked gradually. Was this supposed to make her want her heart back ? Because it didn't. She recalled the destiny of Deirdre and Naoise who ended up dead. Yeah love was definitely very healthy and happy. At the moment, she was thrilled -well, as thrilled as her state allowed- to be deprived from emotions. She didn't want to feel love. It had to bring even more pain, and she was certain she couldn't handle it.
The sight of the Jolly Roger broke her from her thoughts.
"Let's get done with this", she sighed before cutting through the crowd of the docks.
He needed to get a grip. To unlock his eyes from the horizon and to sail away from this bloody kingdom. Maybe use the last beans to go to another world and never look back. But what for ? He was doomed. Emma was his only hope. There was no point in running. His destiny was sealed.
"Captain..." a man's voice asked.
Killian growled and glared at the man. "What ?" he scowled.
"The... hum... The princess... She's coming back."
The pirate's eyes widened and he sighed. "If you're fucking kidding me I'll rip your throat with my hook, you know that ?"
"I... I know but... I'm not Captain. She's here."
He felt his heart drop. What the hell was she doing ? He rushed to the railing and scanned the docks. In the midst of the dull scum, he saw her golden hair peeking out from her hood, capturing the sunrays in its locks. His heart sank, a million words dying on his lips. She was there. She had come back. But why ?
His heart clenched when he saw her setting foot on the deck of the Jolly Roger, her eyes somewhat different. She had cried. And the mere thought of tears rolling down her cheeks made him hurt. A glimmer of hope appeared in his eyes, and the beginning of a smile broke through his concerned face.
"You came back", he stated as casually as possible when she arrived before him.
"I forgot something", she cooly replied.
Killian's eyes narrowed. She acted weirdly, and a strange feeling settled down into the pit of his stomach. She took a few more steps towards him, and the coolness of her look crystallized his blood. "Came back to yell at me ? You shouldn't have bothered", he deadpanned.
"Who do you think you are Hook ? You toyed with me the whole time, you lied to me. I've been lied to my whole life, I don't need a pirate adding to the count."
Killian gulped. "Would you believe me if I told you I had no choice ?" he inquired in a soft voice.
"No. You had a choice. You chose to be a coward, that's all."
"I am not a coward", the pirate growled, anger slowly invading his soul.
"Then how do you call hiding the truth from a woman you spent 4 months with ?" Emma paused and peered her eyes into his as if was trying to avoid her gaze. "You are so pathetic. You act like a dreadful pirate when you're terrified."
"And what makes you think that princess ? Pray tell."
"You're afraid of failing." A grin curled Emma's lips. "But truth be told, you're already a failure Captain. You failed in avenging Milah, you failed doing whatever the hell you wanted to do with me. You're nothing. You're alone. The only person who cared about you is dead because of your pride. Everything you touch ends up harmed. You tell yourself that you're better off on your own so that nobody gets hurt. But who could possibly want you anyway ? Certainly not me."
His blood pumped fastly in his temples. His breath grew erratic. Wrath marred his face. He was furious. "Certainly not you ?" he repeated with scorn. "You were the one whoring around almost begging me to fuck you !"
Emma shook her head. "It didn't mean I wanted you, only that I wanted this, remember ?" She took a few steps towards him, her lips parting in a grimace. "You disgust me Hook. I hate you. There's not an ounce of love in my heart for you. You're all I loathe. I could never love you."
Every word she pronounced pierced his heart, burnt underneath his skin. But he didn't feel any sadness. Just an uncontrollable self-loathing, a fury that ran in his veins. "You're a heartless monster", he mumbled with bitterness.
Emma swallowed and fidgeted her dress, almost nervously. This disappointment in his his blue eyes made her heart clench. She wanted to tell him the truth, she wanted it so badly. She wanted to tell him she couldn't love him, that she didn't think all the crap she was throwing at him, that she had to, that she had no choice... She was the coward of the story. A fucking heartless coward. Evertyhing she touched fell apart. She was af failure. She was just blaming him for who she was.
Suddenly, Killian turned around and grabbed a bottle of rum one of his man had left on the deck.
"That's it, take shelter in rum, that's what cowards do", Emma spat.
The rage distorted his features and his voice was loud and cracked and terrifying. "ENOUGH !" he yelled as he threw the bottle in her direction. The glass shattered against the railing, the material smashed to smithereens glowing under the rising sun. Emma let out a cry. Killian glanced up at her to see a scarlet dash flowing on her arm. He had thrown the bottle at her.
"Get the hell out of my ship", he mumbled, staring into space. She didn't move, awe covering her face. "GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF MY SHIP !" he shouted.
Emma gulped and reached the gang plank, slowly. She drew in a breath, reminding herself of breathing normally. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction to see her running. She didn't want him to see the tears flowing on her cheeks and burning the back of her eyes.
But she figured he couldn't see them anyway.
So she let them flow.
He was sore. He was a mess. A bloody mess. He watched her silhouette dissolve in the horizon, knowing that all hope had gone with her, that he would never see her smile again, that he had screwed up everything. She was not a monster, he was. And yet, he couldn't help but wonder how she could chill him to the bone, throwing all these horrors at him without even blinking. She didn't give a damn about him.
And all of a sudden, it dawned on him : the only reminder he had left her was a scar on the arm. With awe and despair, he felt a dampness on his collar bone. Tears. He hadn't cried in twenty years. Since Milah's death. He had thought his body was dry and deprived from those. Emma had brought them back. She had brought him back to life.
How was he supposed to survive now she was gone ?
He was not.
A/N : So much drama omg... I'm such a (evil) drama queen, I know. But bear in mind that I love happy endings :D Also not even an hour goes by between the moment Emma leaves the JR and comes back to it. It'd be too weird otherwise.
About the nxt chapter, I hope I'll get it written by Sunday, because I've only started the outline... I've been so busy with my summer job. But now I am FREE AND ON VACATION, so I'll go back to writing again. Just know that the next chapter may not be up on Sunday :/
Thanks a lot for all your reviews, the follows, the favorite... And simply for reading this story ! It means a lot to me, more than you could ever know.
A review for your (sad?) thoughts ?