A/N : WOAH 9 days between two updates I am so so so so sorry guys ! Real life's been crazy and writer's block kind of hit me, so sorry if this chapter sucks...
Chapter 14 :
Fill a rún ó (Come back, love)
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"Where the hell are you ?"
The docks of Niamh Bay were as crowded as usual, but the majestic shape of the Jolly Roger was nowhere to be seen. The dying sun illuminated the bay and turned all the sailors into moving shadows, a dance of black shapes silhouetting against the pink horizon.
Emma had left Eurwen an hour ago, and, after hours of negociation, her parents had let her go on her own. More convincing, Snow had said, causing the King's face to harden. But how would Emma convince Hook if he wasn't there ?
"I should've known better, of course he's gone", Emma muttered to herself. The pirate was not an idiot, he knew the authorities of Elanoriah would go after him. He may be suicidal or the gods know what, he wouldn't sacrifice his crew. But where was he now ? Had he already left for the Pirate Island ? In his state ? No,it didn't make sense. You're going to make it hard for me till the bitter end aren't you, the princess thought as a knot appeared in her stomach. Anxious, she let her instinct guide her to a tavern. Or was it her stomach ? The day was cold and she was exhausted. She needed to get some rest, hoping Killian would not het too much.
This building was much smaller than the one she had seen in the Pirate Island. And the people seemed even worse. Only five men were scattered in the dull room, their heads lowered and their eyes locked on their plates and drinks, as if captivated by the tiny tides of the liquids. She carefully put her cloak on so as to hide her golden mane, and something chilled her to the bone. She could perfectly remember the last time she did so and when ensued. The violence of the attack. The worry in his eyes. The brilliance of the stars. The heat of his body. The pumping of his heart against her ear and how it had resonated in her soul. A strange feeling invaded her. The regret, the will to turn back time. Nostalgia.
But there was no way to turn back time. All she could do was ensuring her future.
Their future.
She sat at a remote board (1), nestled in a dark corner the light of the candles seemed to avoid, and scanned the area with attention. Maybe one of these men could give her some piece of information concerning the whereabouts of the Jolly Roger... or Captain Hook. Suddenly, her vision was blocked by proeminent breasts that threatened to burst out of the corset they were contained in.
"What do you want ?" the waitress asked.
Emma gulped. "I-" she stuttered. Wait, stuttered ? Since when Emma stuttered or felt embarrassed ? By the sight of tits ? Great now I'm a prude, she thought. She gathered her wits. "A pint of ale and a plate of beans please." Beans ? Really ? Everything reminded her of Killian. Even beans. She was so screwed.
Not enough to be quite honest, she told herself.
Well, after all she did not turn into a prude.
The waitress nodded and was about to go when Emma caught her wrist. "Wait, I'm actually looking for somebody. Have you seen Captain Hook ?"
This came out so wrong.
The young woman cocked an eyebrow at her. "Hook ?" she said with disdain. "I sure as hell haven't seen him for a whole year. And I'd better not see him, ever again. The bastard still owes me 2 pieces of gold. He's lucky he's handsome and well built. If it wasn't for his pretty face and cock, I would've sent my husband to him."
His pretty...? Emma opened her mouth and shook her head. Many thoughts popped up in her mind but she chose to chase them right away.
She had definitely not turned into a prude.
Also, he had... her ?
"Thanks", Emma said with a hesitating smile. The waitress rolled her eyes as if to say "Welcome to the club" and walked away, leaving the princess to her dirty thoughts. No but really, he was Captain Hook, how come no one had seen him ?
"The Cap'n doesn't wanna see you", she heard. She turned around to see Smee, sitting at the board behind her. He wasn't there five minutes ago, she thought.
"Smee", she said as softly as possible, "please, tell me where he is."
"You would make it all worse", the little man answered.
"And what if I could help him ugh ? Are you really going to take this chance ?"
Smee bit his lower lip and his eyes roamed hers, hesitating. "He's suffering because of you you know."
"I know", Emma sighed. "But I did what I did for a good reason, trust me. There's more to the story."
Smee cocked an eyebrow at her. "That's what the Captain told you before you left, and yet you didn't listen."
Not as stupid as he looks. "And I regret this. But regrets don't help. Let me fix it all, please."
The sailor shook his head and grimaced. "I can't do that."
But stupid enough to piss a heartless chick. "Then why are you here ?" Emma snapped. "You just popped up behind me, and don't tell me it was a coincidence you weren't there when I set foot in this tavern."
The pirate's mouth suddenly formed a perfect "o", and Emma couldn't help but think the guy had been a fish in another life. He swallowed and lifted his chin, visibly not encline to cooperate. "I'm here because I was thirsty", he stated.
The princess rolled her eyes and her eyebrows narrowed, her look darkened. She jerked forward and her dagger was pressed against Smee's throat in a heartbeat. "Here's the thing buddy, it's quite hard to drink when your throat is slashed, so I shall advise you to tell me where the hell Hook is if you indeed want to drink. Ever again."
Smee looked down at the sharp blade brushing against his throat, too afraid to even gulp because he thought the metal could dive into his flesh at any moment. The sensation of the cold knife sent shivers through his body and he hesitantly looked up at Emma, a flame of determination burning into her irises. He knew she wouldn't think twice before slice his throat open. And deep down, he knew that even though Emma had broken his Captain, she was the only one who could pick up the pieces and make him whole again.
"I'll lead you to him", he finally stuttered. A half smile curled his thin lips. "Care to put this thing down ?"
The gray sky weighed heavily upon them, threatening to smash them with each step they took. The wind hissed and blew, the clouds and the sun scrambling, struggling, striving, reminding Emma of an ancient legend her mother had told her about when she was a little girl. Long before the Orfhlaith brought peace to the land and built Elanoriah, at the beginning of times, the goddess Sunniva (2) and the god Dubhán (3) were lovers. They conceived a child, but after its birth, Sunniva's uncle came across them and brought their relationship out into the open. Their families were furious, so they merged Sunniva into the sun and Dubhán into the clouds. Their son became the wind, always forced to separate them. The three of them could never be together. And some people said that sometimes, at dawn, if you listened very carefully, you could hear Sunniva's words carried away by her son : Fill a rún ó .
An eternity of solitude and sorrow was their lot, and Emma couldn't help but wondering how the sun could shine so bright despite the pain. What if her destiny was to shine without Killian ? No, she had to save him, she had to find a solution. They were nothing like Sunniva and Dubhán. They were humans.
Smee's voice broke her out from her thoughts. "You know, the Jolly Roger is very different from what you remember."
"How come ?" she asked, anxious.
"The Captain has been drinking his pain away for months, we all even wonder how he's still alive and how his organs are still intact. Half of the crew left, tired of resting ashore, and we managed to avoid a mutiny." The sailor stopped and turned around to face Emma. "In other words, it sucks."
The princess heaved a heavy sigh and kept going, wondering why she hadn't realized her dreams were not dreams months ago. Maybe she had known it all along, maybe she hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. It would've been acknowledging her feelings for Killian. Feelings she did not have. Feelings she could not have. It was all so crazy. She knew she was bound to the pirate, but she loved him without actually loving him. She cared about him without caring about him. She didn't know where to stand, what to think, what to feel. She felt like a border, belonging in two places and nowhere at the same time, bound to remain an in between. All she knew was that she had to save Killian. Both for his sake and for hers.
Suddenly, Smee froze and Emma followed.
"Why are we stopping now ?" she asked.
"The Jolly Roger is there."
He was kidding. Of course he was kidding. They were on the edge of a cliff. "Where ?"
"Down below."
Emma frowned and took a few steps towards the end of the cliff, and that's when she saw her. The Jolly Roger, waving on the clear water of a small cove, her sails flowing against the gray sky, the timid sun hardly illuminating its shape. Emma's heart clenched at the sight, memories of their last meeting overwhelming her. The cold wind of October bit her cheeks and brought the smell of salt and apprehension. Life was so much easier when she didn't feel anything. But now, surrounded by pain and regret, she couldn't help but fear what was going to unfold.
"Ready ?" she heard Smee ask.
"I guess so", Emma let out.
They used a stone staircase, and Emma's heartbeat grew louder with every step. The Jolly Roger grew larger, the wind colder, the silence more stiffening. The silence. They were now about to climb on the gangplank, and yet, no sound emerged from the ship. No voices. The habitual mayhem wasn't to be heard, the hissing of the wind seemed to rule over the cove, even deafening the sound of the waves.
"You still can change your mind princess", Smee said.
"Killian is dying", she answered without looking at the sailor. Without further explanation, she went past him and set foot on the damp deck. Her legs carried her to the Captain's cabin, and she felt like the wind pushed her towards the door. A vidid odor of alcohol assaulted her nostrils and she feared the worst. Idiot, she thought. The princess took a deep breath and opened the door, slowly, afraid of the sight of a wasted Killian.
It was nothing like what she had feared.
Killian was lying in his bed, half covered by a torn down sheet. His face and chest were marred with sweat and his hand was hanging out of the bed, firmly holding the neck of a half empty bottle of what had to be rum. His eyes were closed and for a moment, Emma thought he was sleeping. She took a few steps towards him and sat on the bed. She let her fingers brush his cheekbone. His dark hair was plastered against his forehead, drenched with sweat, and Emma's hand left his cheek to tuck them. That's when she felt his hand gripping her wrist and crashing her bones.
"What the hell do you think you're doing ?" Killian spat.
His eyes were cold and his voice icy while his body was on fire. She could feel the heat emanating from his skin as his fingers squeezed her flesh, and yet, his look crystallized her blood and made her want to turn her heels on him. But she couldn't. Apart from his grasp, something else rooted her in this cabin, anchored her by his side.
"I came to help", she calmly said, her eyes not leaving his.
He let go of her hand and a maniacal laughter passed his dry and cracked lips. "You want to help me now ? Cut the crap princess, and go back to your castle."
Emma shook her head stubbornly. "I'm not leaving you."
The pirate sat up with difficulty. "It's a bit too late for this don't you think ?" he snapped between two grimaces of pain.
"Hook, what I told you six months ago..."
"Was the truth", he interrupted. "Now thank you and goodbye. No need to pour salt on my wounds love, it hurts enough."
Emma's eyebrows narrowed. "You really think I came by to hurt you ?"
"You're poison Emma. Always rushing in my veins. You're like a fucking sword of Damocles always hanging over my head, there's daggers in your smiles4. And when I think I'm finally rid of you you just appear on my bed and brush my hair. I'm sick of your mindgames."
"This is not a mindgame for fuck's sake !" she yelled while getting up.
"SO HOW DO YOU CALL IT EMMA ?" he roared. "You made it clear six months ago that you hated me, that I disgusted you, and now you just come around and tell me that you want to help ? After what you did ?"
"I DIDN'T MEAN ALL THE THINGS I SAID TO YOU DAMMIT !" she thundered. She could feel her heart pounding in her temples and the blood boiling with fury in her veins. "I was forced to tell you I hated you."
"By whom ?"
"Rumplestiltskin."
Killian's expression softened, then darkened, and finally a sarcastic smirk broke across his pale face. "If this is a joke it's not funny as you can gather."
The princess rubbed her forehaed. "It's not a joke Hook. My parents made a deal with him almost twenty four years ago. I owed him a favor and he came to claim it six months ago. He told me to tell you all those things because..." These words made no sense. "He said it would hurt you because..." What was the point is saying them out loud if she couldn't even understand them ? "Because you're in love with me."
He didn't deny that. And hell, how she wanted him to deny this. Instead he remained cold, impassive. "What sort of deal did they make ?" he asked.
Emma crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. "The kind of deal which allowed him to remove my heart from my chest and save the whole kindgom because a prophecy said my heart would be stolen when I'd turn 24."
This time, Killian looked thunderstruck. His jaw dropped and Emma swore he was about to pass out. "You... You have no heart ?"
Emma wiggled her arms into the thin air. "I am a heartless monster, yes."
And then, she heard him laugh. She hear him giggle. He brought the bottle of rum he had dropped to his lips and half of it flowed on the sheet and missed his mouth. Because he was laughing too hard. "What's so funny ?" Emma asked, or rather snapped.
Killian put the bottle down and wiped his lips. "Nothing. Or everything. Let's say this is a detail somebody forgot to mention, and now I understand why."
"What do you mean ?"
The pirate's face became grave and he looked down to the stained sheet. "When Milah died," he began, his eyes still locked on the spot of rum, "a part of my heart died along with her. It became black, consumed by loss and hatred. The day we buried her into the sea, I swore I would avenge her, I took an oath. A seagoddess, Calypso, came to me that night and told me she could help me get my revenge on Rumplestiltskin. She told me about a witch, Medea5, who owned a magical compass which could guide me to the only weapon able to kill the Dark One, the dagger. A week after, I found Medea's lair and the compass. But the witch was there. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever met, long inky black wringlets flowing down the small of her back, and coal and piercing irises framed by thick lashes. But she was also cruel and as avengeful as I was. Her husband, Jason, had abandoned on her and chosen a King's daughter over her and their two children. Furious, she had killed her own progeny and the said princess along with her father. Eversince that tragedy, she loathed men. She loathed me. So she cursed me and told me I had until the 24th birthday of the Orfhlaith to be loved by her, or I would lose my soul forever. And without a soul, I could never find peace and let go of my thirst of blood. Because you see, being soulless has nothing to be with being heartless. When you lose your soul, you feel all the pain more intensly, your regrets take over you." Killian stopped and laughed. "And obviously, she forgot to mention the Orfhlaith would be heartless before her 24th birthday, unable to actually love me. She sentenced me to an eternity of sorrow."
"Killian I-"
The pirate shook his head, his eyes closed. "No, don't bother princess. It's not your fault. You couldn't love me even if you wanted to. But the funniest part is, I always thought it'd be easy you know. All the years I spent in Neverland, I thought the Orfhlaith would fall into my arms like all the women did, and that I wouldn't even have to fake feelings for her. It'd be quick, and then I would go after Rumplestiltskin to avenge Milah, my one true love. But then I saw you at this ball six years ago... And it felt like I had never been alive before that night, before seeing you in that blue dress, before dancing with you and kissing your hand. I thought that love at first sight was bullshit, that your parents had made that up because it sounded bloody ridiculous." He locked his eyes on Emma's. "Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong."
Emma gulped and took in everything he had just told her. He was in love with her. Well, he hadn't said the words but it was pretty damn obvious. He had loved her for six years, waited for her.
"Why didn't you just court me after this ball ?" she asked, confused. "Why waiting six years ?"
"You were a child."
Emma smirked. "Ask Baelfire, I was not." Seeing his jaw clench, she chose to add something. Quickly. "Plus it's easier to seduce an eighteen-year-old girl than a twenty-four-year-old woman. I bet you knew that."
"I was waiting for the good time."
"And how did you know the good time would come before my 24th birthday ?"
Killian flashed her a dark smile. "I didn't. But you know, after the ball, I never left you. I was here in the dark, watching you."
Emma rubbed her neck. "Even when I was with..."
"Trust me, I didn't want to see you with him", he hissed.
She sighed and sat back on the bed, right next to his hand. "I... I'm sorry Hook. I don't know what love is, I've spent my whole life trying to figure it out. But... it might sound crazy, but I know there's something going on between us, I've always felt it. A connection, as if we were kindred spirits. I feel dragged to you. I had two nightmares in six months. I saw you drinking your pain away. I saw you wasted and hurting and destroying your cabin and... I thought there were only bad dreams when they were visions. You're dying because I can't love you."
"I'm not dying love, it's just that my soul is gradually vanishing."
"Oh if it's just your soul vanishing it's okay then", she deadpanned. She looked down at his hand, his red knuckles, and how much she wanted to know how it felt like to be touched by his fingers. Just feeling them brushing her cheeks. "What I wanted to say is... It's not that I don't want to love you it's just that I can't."
Killian's hand turned around and he laced his fingers with hers. "I know love."
"But just because I can't doesn't mean this is hopeless."
The pirate raised a sceptic eyebrow. "You'll turn twenty-four in two days, Emma."
She tilted her head to the side. "Is two days enough to make it to Neverland ?"
Now Killian just looked lost. "Why ?"
"Because that's where my heart is, and I want you to help me get it back."
(1) Board : Old name for tables. "A 'table' was what modern people think of – the permanent structure. The period English term for these temporary structures was 'board'."
(2) Sunniva : "Scandinavian form of the Old English name Sunngifu, which meant "sun gift" from the Old English elements sunne "sun" and giefu "gift". This was the name of a legendary English saint who was shipwrecked in Norway and killed by the inhabitants." Source : BehindTheName.
(3) Dubhán : "Irish name derived from dubh "dark, black" combined with a diminutive suffix." BehindTheName. Basically, it means 'Little dark one'.
(4) "There's daggers in men's smiles", Shakespeare, Macbeth, II, 3.
(5) Medea : Greek mythology. I transformed it a bit. Well, a lot. But Jason did abandon her and she did kill her children. Of course, there are a lot of different versions, as it's always the case with mythology.
A/N : I totally made up the little legend about Sunniva and Dubhán. I just chose two names which meant dark and light so as to oppose them afterwards. I was a little inspired by the French story of Héloïse & Abélard. And Fill a rún ó is an amazing Irish song, you should listen to it ! But the lyrics are more political than romantic. Actually, this song isn't romantic at all, it's about a mother talking to her son who chose to turn to the protestant religion, and she's calling him back. But I really love the melody and it inspired me ! Check the version sun by Cara Dillon. It's definitely one of my favorite songs ever.
Apart from this... Was this chapter okay ? I had to bring a whole lot of answers and I'm not sure it came out right... I know you all wanted Killian to find out about Emma's 'heart problem', but maybe you didn't want him to find out this way. He's always known there was something wrong with her, but he would never have imagined this. He was always meant to learn it this way, so hope you liked it despite everything :3 And yes, another cliffhanger, I'm sorry (or not).
Thanks for everything, as usual, I hope you still enjoy this story ! 3 chapters (+ an epilogue, maybe) left and it's over.
Review ?