Chapter Ten: The Most Escapable Prison Camp in All of Germany

Sergeant Hans Schultz normally hated night duty. But if he had to be on duty then he gladly would have volunteered for gate duty every night. For gate duty meant that he had a small hut to protect himself from the elements and, since guards in the towers would spot anything suspicious before he could, no one noticed he that spent his hours on duty taking a nice long nap.

He felt no guilt from this dereliction of duty, for if he had a choice in the matter he wouldn't be a soldier. And while he knew that if he had to be a soldier that he was lucky to be a prison guard, he still hated how most of the prisoners viewed him as an enemy. If he had any choice there would also be no enemies.

Though who was he fooling? No one ever asked the opinion of a man who preferred to make toys instead of war. But if someone ever asked him, then he would say that the world would be a better place if governments ordered all soldiers to be toymakers instead of the other way around.

Schultz signed and shifted his position on his stool. If he was going to dream, he might as well do so in his sleep. Closing his eyes, he had almost nodded off only to be startled by the sound of cries from the closest towers.

Thankfully, Schultz's eyes opened right as Corporal Langenscheidt entered the guard hut. "Sergeant!"

Standing, Schultz did his best to look authoritative. "Was ist los?"

"There's a man approaching the gate," Langenscheidt stammered.

Wondering who would be crazy enough to be walking towards a prison camp in the middle of the night, Schultz reluctantly grabbed his rifle and carefully walked over to the locked gate.

There was a man approaching. A civilian from the looks of his clothes, but darkness meant that Schultz couldn't make out his features. Rising his rifle in what he hoped was a threatening manner, Schultz called out, "Halt!"

The man took one more step and stopped where he was finally able to see his face. But the man who Schultz was seeing couldn't really be who Schultz thought he was seeing. The man he thought he was seeing was a prisoner who was supposed to be in bed asleep and not awake and returning to camp after an escape.

Hogan, however, grinned as he seemed to delight in the confusion he was causing. "Hello! Beautiful night we have here."

If Schultz's jaw had dropped any further it would have hit the ground. "Colonel Hogan! What are doing outside the gate? What are you doing out of uniform? Where did you get beer?"

"Nice to see you, too, Schultz," Hogan replied, raising his pilfered mug in a salute. "Do you think you could let me back in?"

Schultz shook his head. This could not be real. He was probably still asleep.

"But…but, Colonel Hogan, what are you doing outside the gate?

Hogan shrugged. "If you don't want me to come back in, I can go back to town. Did you know that the Hofbrau makes a really good sauerbraten?"

This was real. Schultz had experienced weird dreams before but never had he never imagined anything as crazy as an escaped prisoner drinking beer and asking to be let back into camp. Oh, he was going to be in so much trouble.

Gesturing for Langenscheidt to open the gate, he declared, "No, you cannot go to town. You should not have been to town in the first place. When the Kommandant finds out that you have been to town, Iam going to be in so much trouble."

As Hogan stepped through the gate he tried to be helpful. "What the Kommandant doesn't know can't hurt him. Why don't you let me return to my bunk and we forget about the whole thing."

Forget the whole thing! Was he crazy? "No, no, no. I must take you to the Kommandant."

Hogan shrugged, but due to the smirk on his face, Schultz was beginning to suspect that hehad wanted to be taken to the Kommandant the whole time.

Grateful that Langenscheidt had run ahead to wake up the Kommandant, Schultz led the American officer into the office and began to debate whether he could sneak out before his commanding officer spotted him but, at the same time, he didn't dare leave Colonel Hogan alone. There was no telling what the American would do.

The door opened and Kommandant Klink stumbled into the room, barely awake and looking ridiculous in a red robe but Hogan either didn't notice or care as the American officer called out, "Beer, Kommandant? It's pretty good stuff."

The sight of his senior prisoner of war dressed in suit and offering him a mug of beer quickly woke up the Prussian officer. "Hogan!"

"Yes?"

Klink closed his eyes and shook his head in hope that when he opened them again things would be back to normal. Schultz felt sorry for his commanding officer. He had already tried that; it hadn't helped.

"Would you care to explain what you are doing with beer and standing here in civilian clothes?"

Hogan gave another one of his patented smirks. "I was bored and decided to take a walk into town."

"You just can't walk out of a prison camp anytime you like!"

"I can't?" Hogan asked in a mocking tone. Then turning serious, he moved so that his face was only a few centimeters from Klink's own. "Kommandant, this is the most escapable prison camp in all of Germany!"

Klink looked crestfallen. "But no one has ever escaped from Stalag Thirteen," he protested weakly.

"I could have escaped tonight. And I seem to remember that Sergeant Kinchloe drove out of this camp a couple days ago. Also, how many times has Corporal Newkirk made it outside the wire?"

"But you all were caught."

"I wasn't caught, sir. I returned."

"You…what?" Klink gasped.

"It is true, Herr Kommandant," Schultz reluctantly admitted. "Colonel Hogan walked up to the front gate and asked to be let in."

Shocked and overwhelmed, Klink slowly sat down in the chair behind his desk. "This can't be."

What happened next almost caused Schultz to drop his rifle as he watched Hogan take advantage of Klink's shock to deftly open the Kommandant's humidor, stuff a couple of cigars in his jacket and close the lid. The Kommandant never noticed a thing. Then, as if that wasn't enough, the man had the audacity to light a match on Klink's helmet and start smoking another pilfered cigar. "So, Kommandant, about your security."

"Apparently I have no security," a depressed Klink murmured. But when the Kommandant looked up and saw Hogan smoking his cigar, it triggered something within the man and in a fit of anger he reached out and grabbed it from his enemy's mouth.

Unfazed, Hogan grabbed the cigar back but he just held it loosely in his hand. "Admit it, Kommandant. You need my help or... how did Burkhalter put it? Find yourself with a one way ticket to the Russian Front."

Klink stole the cigar back again and this time snuffed it out and tossed it in the trash. The little battle seemed to have given Klink back his ability to think and a small measure of courage to challenge Hogan. "I find it surprising that you, an American prisoner, would help me prevent your allies from escaping this camp."

Hogan sighed. "I want to escape and I want my men to escape. But I do not want my men to get hurt. And right now it is too easy for men to escape this camp with no clue on how to get out of the country. So I fear it will it only be a matter of time before one of my men is injured or worse."

"How magnanimous of you," a skeptical Klink said. "But that does explain why you returned after getting away."

Hogan hung his head in shame. "Gestapo. I almost ran into a band of them prowling in town. I realized that things would end badly if they realized that I was an American."

"That was a wise decision, Colonel Hogan," Klink agreed. "The Gestapo does not follow the same niceties as the Luftwaffe."

The Kommandant seemed to accept that answer but Schultz wasn't so sure. Hogan wasn't acting like a man who was scared. He was acting cocky and in control. Yet, as Schultz watched the two enemy officers banter, he began to get the sense that something important was happening. Though, he decided that is was not the place of mere sergeant to figure out what that something was.

"So, Kommandant, that is why I decided to help fix the gaps in your security. In return for my assistance, I receive no punishment for my escape and the men currently in the cooler are released. With your security being as lax as it was they can't be blamed for trying."

Klink smiled. "And after I fix my security according to your specifications you will know exactly how to escape and my record will be ruined. Request denied."

"But, Kommandant..." Hogan protested.

"Schultz, take Colonel Hogan to cooler. There he will learn the consequences of trying to escape on my watch."

"Gee, a guy tries to help and this is the thanks he gets. Remind me to never return to this camp after escaping again."

Fearful of what would happen if Hogan kept talking, Schultz gently grabbed the American by the elbow and led him out of the office. As the two walked to the cooler, Hogan turned his attention to his guard. "So, Schultz, the Kommandant didn't get that mad."

Schultz groaned. "That was because he was tired. I will get an earful in the morning."

Hogan snapped his fingers. "You know I feel bad about dragging you into this mess. Why don't I help you out with Klink. Place me in the same cell as Kinchloe."

"But, Colonel Hogan, I cannot do that!" Schultz cried. "You are an officer. Kinchloe is a sergeant."

"That's the beauty of it! Placing an officer in cell with an enlisted man. The Kommandant will thank you for thinking up such a humiliating punishment and will forget to be mad at you for the escape."

The idea had some merit but Schultz doubted that it would put him in his CO's good graces. Though, to tell the truth, Schultz wasn't sure what to think of anymore as far as Hogan was concerned. So, in the end, the guard went ahead and put Hogan in the cell he asked for. After all, how much worse could things get?