ERIC
I told her that I would wait, but I still didn't understand why I had to. We both liked each other, what else did she need time for? She admitted that she could tell I was sincere in my feelings towards her. She knew I was honest about caring about her. Alex knew that I made a mistake in judging her. She said she forgave me and that she wanted to be with me. So what else was there for me to prove?
"You alright there, Matthews," asked Four as I went to sit down at the table in the cafeteria. Tris gave me a smile and then got up and left. I saw her go and sit down by Alex and Myra who were listening to Christina still complain about Will's asking her to the homecoming dance. I swear that girl was irritating. I couldn't see how Will put up with her.
"It's Alex," I said as I picked at my food. After our conversation last night I thought things would have been okay. But during classes today, she barely talked to me. When we walked to our next classes, she would only talk about the work. At lunch she sat next to me, but didn't converse with me. And now during dinner she was sitting at the other end of the table.
"I meant to ask how things have been going," said Justin.
"He's still trying to win her back," said Four looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I really hated that he could figure it out before anyone else.
"My brother told us he sang to her like two other times," added Zeke. "Besides the time here in the cafeteria."
"Maybe, she doesn't like the singing," said Trick.
"No. Alex liked every single song. I was told the one at the volleyball court was her favorite music-gram. She almost started to cry at all those messages Eric left, too. All of that just made her like Eric more." I looked up at Four. How in the hell did he know that?
"Tris." Was his only response to my unasked question.
"After all of that, I don't understand why she still wants more time," I complained. Why was I complaining? I was a guy, am I supposed to be getting all worked up over some girl. But she wasn't some girl. Whatever anyone else said, she was the only girl, the only one. So what we were only seventeen and I had plenty time to find the girl who would be the only one. To me I already found her, and it was Alex.
"Can we talk about something else besides Eric and Alex," cried Peter. Four, Zeke, and Justin turned to look at him. "I've just heard so much about the problems that those two are having that's why," defended Peter. "She talks to Lauren and apparently that's what Lauren ends up talking to me about," he explained turning to me. "And no offense, your my friend and I care about you, but when I'm with my girl, I rather talk about something else, than problems that you and Alex are having."
Trick and Uriah started to laugh. "I know what you mean," said Uriah.
"I never thought she would tell any of the girls," I said.
"She probably doesn't. They can see her losing focus during practice and class," added Trick. "They're probably concerned that she zones out, so they ask her about it."
"Kind of like how you zone out too," teased Peter. Four turned to him and he stopped laughing.
"I actually don't mind when Tris brings you two up," said Four. "It just assures my love for Tris and makes her more confident in what she feels for me."
I gave him a confused look.
"I think you should explain it to Eric," said Justin who started to chuckle.
"Alex was the same like Tris was last year. Girls gave Tris a hard time too about liking me. Tris hesitated and everything that we did together, she would question. You forget that I went through some stuff at home too, just like everyone here. Yet Tris was the only one who I found comfort and strength in. Probably the same that Alex does with you after everything that happened. Tris was still so scared, thinking that even though she helped me through that, she thought that she still wasn't good enough. She almost believed all those other girls who said that she couldn't offer me anything. The girls who liked me, the other guys who spoke badly about me, all of that helped to sow doubt in Tris. When Tris talks about what Alex is feeling, I can't help but see how much Tris is confident now in her feelings. And that's because I didn't let her faith in me waver."
"But I haven't lost faith in Alex."
"I'm not saying that you did. I'm saying that you shouldn't."
"What?"
"All that Alex is going through right now is doubt. She knows how she feels about you, but the problem is she doesn't know if that's good enough for you. You may have shown her, and the rest of the school, how you feel about her, but after all that's happened, she started to doubt herself. It's going to take some time for her to get it back. In the meantime, the only thing left to do, is for you to not start doubting her or her feelings either, because then she'll never come back to you."
I took a minute to process what Four said.
"That actually makes sense." I looked at Four who threw me a smirk. I can't believe I was getting advice from Four. Just then Aidan, Will, Dominic, and Edward walked in.
"So Coach said that we don't have practice tomorrow or Sunday," Aidan said sitting down and looking towards Four and I.
"Unfortunately, one of our team captains, said that we should play a practice game on Sunday," Edward added looking at Aidan.
"Just a fun practice game versus the JV," defended Aidan. "Coach Wu seemed okay with it."
"We're going to slaughter them," said Peter. "What kind of practice is that?"
"It's just a fun game. I mean tomorrow is the Clash of the Classes assembly, but we should still remember that we're all Dauntless and that next week is homecoming," said Aidan.
"Who are you taking to homecoming, Aidan," asked Edward who threw me a smirk.
"Actually I was going to take Alex, since no one asked her yet," he answered.
"I heard Jarrett asked her," said Will. My heart almost fell again.
"Jarrett," questioned Four. Jarrett was on the basketball team. I only ever talked to him in classes. Now that I think about it, when Alex and I were walking to third period, she pulled me and Zeke to walk around the front courtyard of the building and up the side steps the past couple days. The front steps is where the basketball team usually hang out.
"Yea, Jarrett told Evan," started Will as he spoke about the two boys on the basketball team. "He thought Eric and Alex were over with, especially when he saw the JV team perform last week saying that Eric wanted her back. Jarrett took it as Alex was single now, so he asked her."
Actually Alex was always single, I thought. I should have told her how I felt sooner.
"And you found this out, how," asked Four.
"Evan is going out with Becca," answered Will.
"And Becca is on the squad," added Edward.
"With Christina," finished Will. Man, was Christina trying to set up Alex with Jarrett now, just like how she got Edward to kiss Alex? Now I really did not like Christina.
"Christina also told me Landon asked her to homecoming."
"Landon," shouted Edward. "That frickin' guy. I saw them talking a while back, I never thought he would actually," Edward paused and then looked at me. "It doesn't matter, she wouldn't tell any of them 'yes'."
Or would she? It's not like her and I were dating. Of course other guys would ask her out. Had I lost my chance? Is that why she needed more time? Because Alex was weighing her options.
"Edward's right. Alex told me she wasn't planning on going anyways." We all turned to look at Justin. "Well, I didn't ask her to go with me," he said looking at me. "I swear I didn't ask her. I was just telling her she should still go, even if it's by herself, some of us were going by ourselves anyways. It's our senior year, she would regret not going and making memories with her friends and the rest of her class. But she was adamant and said she really didn't want to go."
I looked down and shook my head. I had broke her. She didn't even want to go to just hang out and dance with everyone. Four was right. She was starting to doubt herself and it was all because of me.
"I'll talk to her, just in case," said Aidan. "Maybe I can convince her to still go."
I wanted to talk to Alex, but I remembered that she just needed some more time and I just needed to be patient.
The next day at the Clash of the Classes Halloween dance off assembly, the cheerleaders did a performance. The JV and the Varsity squad together. Despite the classes challenging each other, it was still supposed to represent unity. As Aidan said, we were all part of Dauntless Academy.
As much as I tried not to, I kept watching Alex. It wasn't until half way through the song that that spark in her eyes shined through. As much as she thought dancing wasn't her thing, she was really passionate and good at it. I closed my eyes, remembering that that's what she was trying to tell me Thursday night. That only I was helping her to see the real her. In essence I was tired of people only seeing me for one thing, so I gave it my all to show her more of me and at the same time I ended up showing her more of her as well.
The freshman came up and there dance was uncoordinated. So was the sophomores. They looked like we did last year. The juniors ended up doing Thriller by Michael Jackson, which threw some of us off, because we thought that our class would have chose that. We helped out with the backdrop and the scenery, but most of us didn't know what song it was. Only Four, Zeke, Peter, Uriah, and Trick. Four and Zeke were doing the lights and other special effects. Peter, Uriah, and Trick were dancing in the song.
Will pointed out that it was a boy band song. Typical Christina, I thought. I got upset when I saw Landon doing a partner dance with Alex. He played a vampire and had to pretend to bite her neck. I felt more jealously pulsate through me than when she had kissed Edward. I wasn't sure how she felt about me then. But now I was positive of her feelings and my own and I didn't like the fact that someone else was touching her.
We ended up winning the Clash of Classes, which was no surprise there. The costumes, the dance, the effects, everything was totally Halloween! But that wasn't what was on my mind right now. What was was the fact that Alex was talking to Landon after, smiling and laughing while they were taking down the backdrop.
Winning Alex's friendship took a while. After what I put her through, I knew that winning her heart was going to take even longer, probably forever. She said all she needed was time. But was that time going to be spent talking to other guys, like Landon? Or perhaps even Jarrett. I looked for him too. There he was standing on the side, every now and then glancing at Alex. I shook my head.
"Yo, Eric," called out Zeke. He motioned for me to help him and Four take down the lighting and other special effects they used.
As I helped them, I couldn't think about how empty I felt before. I hated myself for all the things that I did, for the guy that I became. I hated myself for allowing all those girls to just use me. I hated myself for being associated with that sadistic mother and sister that I had. I hated myself for treating all my friends like crap, for instigating half the fights, wait, ALL the fights they got in to.
Alex was helping me to gain sanity in my crazy fucked up life. She was making my foggy head, clear. Being with her brightened my dark world. Seeing her smile made me feel wanted. She listened to me. She didn't mind half of my faults, while she overlooked some and slowly helped me to clear away the rest. Alex's faults? Half of hers, well, I liked her so much I learned to live with it. Probably because I only saw the good things that she could do. The same could be said with her. She didn't try to change me. She allowed me to work it out all on my own. She made me whole and now. Now I went and threw that all away.
"You alright there," asked Four.
"Yeah, I'm..." I paused and looked towards Alex, still talking to Landon.
"Remember what I said," Four stated.
But, I couldn't help it. Alex barely talked to me, let alone spent time with me after last week. Earlier, she was willing to open her heart and let me in completely. Now, she locked it up and wasn't about to tell me where she put the key.
And here she was talking and smiling with Landon. Was she unlocking herself for Landon? Landon of all people! And if not him, Jarrett was right there waiting for his opportunity too. I couldn't take it. I handed the last box to Zeke.
"I'll be right back. Let Four know I just needed a quick breather." Zeke nodded to me.
I walked out of the gymnasium, hoping to clear my head. Just then, something caught my eye. It was the lights from the Chasm, the old gym, shining like some kind of beacon on a lighthouse calling to a ship in the ocean.
There would be a bunch of pretty girls there. I should know, that's where Rachel, Tara, Julie and Britney them all hung out.
What the hell am I thinking?
They wouldn't care about anything. They would just take me in an instant. Let me have my way and then allow me to walk away.
Is this really what I want?
No, but it would temporarily help me forget about Alex. She obviously was willing to temporarily forget about me.
But do you really want to forget about her?
No, I fell for Alex. I want to be with Alex.
Just as I took a step forward to the Chasm, I stopped and heard her call my name. Only when I turned around, Alex was no where in sight. I fell down on my knees and wiped my face and looked up at the sky. Now, I was starting to doubt her. She cared about me. She still cares about me. She likes me. I couldn't do this to her now. Not now. This was my biggest test, to prove to her that I didn't doubt her, that I didn't doubt me, that I didn't doubt us.
It was nothing. Her talking to Landon was nothing, Eric. You're blowing this way out of proportion again like you did with Edward and Trick.
I got up and walked back to the gym. I like Alex. I care about her and she cares about me. I trust Alex, I continued to say in my head as I walked closer. Four caught my attention and called me over.
"You look like you seen a ghost," he teased. "Just to let you know, they were all fake."
"I almost threw it all away again, man," I said rubbing my head and pacing.
"Threw what away?"
Just then Alex came walking out of the gym.
"Eric," she called. This was her. The real her. She jogged up to me and put on a small smile.
"I was wondering if we could hang out since there's no practice or no game tonight. I mean if that's okay with you."
If I had let doubt into my mind, she would have come out just in time to have seen me leave. And like Four said she would never come back to me after that. Just then I saw Landon walking out with Al. Landon glared at me and then left.
I grabbed Alex and pulled her close against my chest. I lifted up her face to look down in her eyes. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
I was glad to hang out with Alex. We just spent time at the rec center. Not really what I wanted. But it was going to make due. We weren't spending time completely alone. Yet, everyone could see us together, having fun out in public. After I saw Landon walking out of the gym and he gave me a stare I couldn't help but think he probably wanted to spend that free time with Alex. But instead she choose me.
I watched her as she attempted to throw a dart and beat my score. Once she let it go, she pouted and turned to look at me. She looked so adorable. Why was I planning on throwing this all away just about an hour ago? Obviously Landon wasn't the one she cared about. It's me. Yeah, it's you stupid, I thought to myself. Four was right I couldn't start letting doubt overtake me too. She seemed to notice me deep in thought.
"Hey, you just won," she joked by lightly hitting me. "Try to act a bit happier!"
"Sorry," I responded smiling and looked down.
She knew I was thinking about something else, but just as her mouth opened to ask me, she shook her head and went to pull out the darts. I turned my head to see Landon watching her walk over to the dartboard. I didn't even know he was here. I almost walked over there to tell him off, but Alex came back, grabbed my hand, and led me towards another table.
"What is he doing here," I heard her mumble as we sat down. I let her sit on the inside and I sat next to her, blocking her in.
"Alex, I need to know," I said looking at her. "Did Landon just ask you out at the assembly?"
She hesitated to answer, so I took that as a 'yes'. I started to pick at the fries in front of us. After a while I put my left arm on the back of her chair and turned a little to face her. Before I could say anything she spoke up.
"Eric, I like you. I care a lot about you, and only you," she said. Alex leaned over and placed her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her waist and brought her closer.
"I care about you, too, Alex."
Some time passed and I just held her close. I moved my nose over her hair. It still smelt the same. Man, did I really miss this.
"So, did your brother ask you to be part of his Avengers Assemble team," I asked finally breaking our silence.
"Yeah. I'm kind of scared," she said as we both started to laugh. "He said he would let me know on Monday when the uniforms came in who I would dress up as."
Clash of classes may have been today, but Halloween day wasn't until this coming Friday. The only problem was that Homecoming was also that week, so the school decided to push the Clash back a week. Everyone was allowed to dress up on Friday though. One of the very few days we didn't need to use our uniform.
"I hope I'm not going to be the Hulk," Alex answered while shuddering.
"Nah, you're too pretty to be the Hulk," I said as I pressed my lips to her forehead and she started to laugh.
Alex melted back into my arms as we started to talk about other things. I wanted to talk to her and keep her in my arms all night, but when she started to yawn, I knew it was getting late. I looked down at my phone and saw it was 10:50, the rec center was going to close pretty soon. I looked over to the other side of the room and saw that Landon was still hanging out with Drake and Clayson. I hadn't notice them until now.
"Hey, I'll walk you back," I said getting up with her.
"No, it's fine Eric. The dorm building is only right there," she said putting on her jacket. I took her hand in mine and led her out.
"I just want to spend a little more time with you," I answered. Alex threw me a smile and leaned closer to me as we walked out. I hope she didn't see them waiting for her.
Alex pointed to a tree on our way back and started to laugh. I remembered I broke that branch trying to show her how to do a proper pull up on one of the mornings that we went jogging. We talked about that and other memories we had around campus as we continued to walk. I didn't realize it, but we passed the entrance to the dorm building twice. When she turned us back around, we got caught up talking about something else, that we forgot yet again that I was walking her back. I didn't mind and from the smile on her face, she didn't mind taking another walk around, either.
"You know that I like you, right Eric? I just need time," she said as we finally got into the dorm building and stood outside her room. "You're going to wait during that time, right?"
I finally put one and one together, what Four was saying and what Alex was trying to say. "Did Landon tell you something?"
Alex looked away.
"He told you I didn't really care about you, didn't he? That I would end up going somewhere else? He probably asked you how you could like a guy like me, am I correct?"
She closed her eyes and nodded.
"Alex, I'm going to be honest. I almost let jealously get to me again the same way I did with Edward and Trick. I didn't like seeing you with Landon. I know you two were just dancing for the assembly, but I didn't like that you were being all friendly with him after. I thought for a moment that you didn't care for me all over again and I almost walked away."
Alex looked at me and was about to say something, but she stopped.
"But that's the whole reason why you need time, isn't it? To see if you can trust me again." She smiled slightly and I brought her into my arms. "That's probably how you felt when you saw me in the office with Emily. You felt like I betrayed you." I pulled her back a little so she could see me.
"I'm here for you Alex and only you. I really care about you too. I would never leave you. I know that it's the same with you. I can't say I'm not going to get jealous again seeing you spending so much time with the other guys. But I know I can trust you."
I had to make sure she knew there was no doubt in me. I brought her body back and pressed her tight against my chest, pressing my lips to her forehead and left it there.
"I can depend on you to make me stronger, because you're the only one who makes me important and because of that you're important to me. I'm completely confident in my feelings for you and your feelings for me. Whatever anyone else says, Alex, don't listen to them. Don't listen to any of them. Of all the things I know. I know about us. Never for one minute start to question that," I pulled her back and looked into her eyes. "NO MATTER WHAT."