Coming Out

Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or any of its affiliated characters. Any additional characters I have created are figments of my own imagination and intended to bear no resemblance to any real persons. Any actual similarities are purely coincidental.

He looked at me like I'd said I'd been elected as the next president of the United States.

"You are? About me?"

"About us, yeah. I'm gonna come out to them."

"Wow. That's huge."

"Yeah, it is. But it's necessary."

I'd never felt the way I felt about Jarrett about anyone before him, and I knew that if we were going to last, I couldn't expect him to live out our lives being a secret to my parents. His already knew he was gay, but he hadn't discussed the fact he had a boyfriend.

"I guess this means I can tell my family about you too, huh?"

"I guess it does." I smiled at him, knowing I had to leave quickly if I didn't want to miss my bus. "I gotta go, but I'll call you. I promise."

As I walked away more hurriedly than I would've liked to, I turned to look at him one more time, and heard all the reassurance I needed.

"I love you."

Buses were not my favorite mode of transportation, and this particular ride home seemed longer than usual. Kids were obnoxiously loud, and this one stupid kid who'd always had it out for me kept kicking the back of my seat.

"Faggot."

I felt his shoe repeatedly connect with my lower back through the seemingly too thin padding.

"I know you have a boyfriend. Everybody knows, don't think we don't just because you try to hide it."

I turned in my seat, too frustrated to keep my mouth shut.

"Fuck off, dude. Seriously. I will pound you into the ground if you don't shut the hell up."

"Pfft, I could take your scrawny ass in my sleep, Luca. Don't think that just because your parents are cops they can protect you."

"Oh shut the fuck up."

I really truly wanted to pummel him, but the bus came to my stop before I could. Being what I believed to be the bigger person, I descended the steps without so much as another word to him.

"Luca!"

My five year old sister, Lilian, bounded what I thought to be way too enthusiastically down the stairs toward the door to greet me with a suck-the-breath-out-of-you kind of hug. I would never let her know it bothered me, though.

"Hey, kid," I said as I ruffled her mop of curly brown hair. "Where's Mom and Dad?"

"At the peace station, stupid."

The accentuation she placed on the last word made me laugh harder than I had in a long time. I loved how she always called me stupid, when even at five and even though our parents had told her differently, she still insisted that a police station was, instead, called a 'peace' station.

"Then who picked you up from school?"

"Auntie Alex. We went to McDonald's. She brought you some, too."

I smiled at this. Everyone thought that Alex Cabot had a personality that so often bordered on bitchy, but I knew better. In court she may have to be tough, but outside of work, her heart was huge, and it showed itself all the time. Aside from my Dad, she was Mom's best friend, and had been around as "Auntie Alex" ever since my sister and I could talk.

"Aw, that's nice. Where is she?"

"Folding clothes."

I made my way into the laundry room, my kid sister following closely behind, and found the blonde deep in concentration, meticulously folding our laundry; something she didn't have to do, but that my parents would no doubt appreciate.

"You could've had me do that, you know."

I saw her startle a little, then look up at me, smiling.

"Oh, hi Luca. You're home. When did you get here?"

"Couple minutes ago."

"There's a Big Mac meal on the counter in the kitchen for ya. We brought it home when I picked Lills up."

"Yeah, she told me. Thank you, Auntie. I'm so hungry."

"You're welcome. How was school?"

"Long," I tried not to elaborate, hoping she wouldn't pick up on the fact that I was hiding something, but the attorney in her hardly missed anything.

"Everything okay?"

I fiddled with my hands and looked down at my feet, not wanting to make eye contact. I knew she'd be able to see through me if I did.

"Well..no."

I watched her finish folding the shirt she was holding, then set down the basket of folded clothes atop the dryer.

"Lills, go play with your barbies okay? I'll come up in a little bit and play with you."

"Kay, can I have juice first?"

"I gave you some. Your cup is on the coffee table, 'member? I told you you had to sit down while you drink it, and no taking it upstairs in case you spill it."

"Oh ya. Kay, I won't."

I watched my sister skip away, entirely content over something as simple as a cup of juice, and wished my life were that simple. As much as I loved Alex, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk. Coming out was a lot easier said than it was done.

"What's going on, Luca?"

"You won't hate me, right?"

"Honey, I could never hate you. Ever. No matter what you did, I wouldn't hate you. I've loved you since the first time your Mom laid you in my arms. If you're in some kind of trouble, you need to tell me so I can help you, okay?"

I realized that the attorney in her probably thought I was going to confess to being a conspirator to murder or something crazy, and almost laughed out loud.

"It's.. it's not horrible. Not what you probably think it is. I didn't kill anyone or anything."

I saw a smirk pull at the corners of her mouth.

"Good. I'm glad to hear my nephew isn't a killer. Now, what is it?"

I surprised myself by looking her right in the eyes.

"I'm gay."

I was relieved to see a wide smile slowly show itself as she let out a long breath.

"Oh honey, is that all? That's okay!"

"It is?"

"Of course it is! I don't care who you love, I just care that you are honest, they respect you and you're happy."

"Mom and Dad don't know. I was gonna tell 'em tonight if they don't get home too late."

"You should. I know it's not easy, and it's not the same as telling me; that their acceptance is much more important because they're your parents. But, I want you to know that if for some reason you feel uncomfortable, or it doesn't go well my door will always be open to you."

"That means a lot."

I felt her arms around me, pulling me into the best hug I'd had in a long time, and in that moment I knew I could do anything, even if it didn't turn out how I hoped.

"I love you, bud."

"I know. I love you, too."

The sentimentality of the moment passed as quickly as it had come, and I watched her for a few seconds, resuming her task of folding clothes.

"Your food is still out on the counter, hey?"

"Oh, shit, yeah. I forgot."

Leaving the room momentarily, I made my way to the kitchen, opening the paper bag with the McDonald's logo on it, and lifted out the cardboard boxes that held the food. Feeling that it was still decently warm, I didn't bother to heat it. I made my way back to the laundry room and I heard Alex ask me a question, but couldn't make out what it was.

"Huh?"

She put a fresh load of laundry in the washer, shutting the top, and made her way to where I stood.

"I said, do you have a boyfriend?"

My stomach got all fluttery at the thought of Jarrett and finally being able to freely discuss him.

"Actually, I do. Kinda why it was important to me to come out now. I didn't want him to have to live being a secret."

"That makes sense. Do you love him?"

"I do. He's probably one of the best people I've ever met."

"Aw. Well, I'd love to meet him sometime."

"You will."

Mom and Dad didn't get home until almost two thirty in the morning, and I was thankful I didn't have to be up for school the next day. Telling them what I was about to would no doubt drain me, good or bad results.

Mom came in my room to check on me, seeing that I was awake and reading. I figured right away that it must have been an awful day for her; her hair was disheveled, dark bags lined the skin below her eyes, crease lines from the patterns on the shitty pillows in the crib at the station had imprinted themselves on the right side of her face, making her look nothing short of complete hell.

"Hey, dude," she said, smiling weakly at me. That'd been her thing ever since I was little; she always called me dude. "What're you still doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep. And I need to talk to you and Dad. It's kind of important."

"Uh-oh," something resembling worry etched itself in the lines of her forehead, and I wondered for a moment if telling her now was a good idea. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I just need to tell you guys something, that's all."

"Okay, I'll go get Dad."

I heard her footsteps all the way down the hall until they stopped at what I knew to be my sister's room. Soft murmurs followed between them-probably in attempt not to wake a sleeping Lillian, before I heard double the footsteps make their way back to my room.

"Hey. Mom said you have something important to tell us that couldn't wait. What's up?"

I felt him sit his body down on my bed by my feet, and was suddenly more nervous than I'd ever been. It was one thing to talk myself up about coming out to people when they weren't around, but entirely different when they were right in front of me, waiting for what I had to say.

"Well, uhhh.. there's something that I've been meaning to tell you both for a long time, it just never felt right. Auntie Alex already knows. I told her today when I got home, and now you really need to know. I'm gay. And I have a boyfriend."

I watched Mom's face soften, and saw a small smile, but Dad's stayed the same, he never even blinked.

"Oh, Luca, that doesn't matter to me. Like, not even a little. You didn't have to keep it from me. You're my son, and I love you. Whomever you love doesn't change that at all, but they have to be a good person and treat you right. If they didn't, that'd be the only time I would ever say something, and it would go for a woman, too."

"Thanks, Mom. You don't have to worry. He treats me really well."

"I would hope so."

Turning her attention to Dad, I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was trying to read him and pleading with him to accept what I'd said at the same time. I assumed my news would be difficult for both of them to some degree, but never did I think either of them would outright deny me.

"You need to leave. If my son is gay, he will not live under my roof. I can't accept that."

"Elliot! You may not be able to understand it right now, but you can't tell him he has to leave."

"I can't understand it at all, Olivia, and I can tell him whatever I want to, he's my kid too."

"That's just it, El. He's our kid..."

The conversation faded as they moved it as far away from my room as possible, Mom no doubt afraid to upset me, but I could still make out most of what was being said, even if in choppy pieces, as I grabbed a bag and threw some necessities in to it.

"He is the same child I gave birth to years ago, Elliot. Nothing is changing!"

..."live with the choice he made..."

"IT'S NOT A DECISION!"

"What do you expect me to do?"

"LOVE HIM! Jesus Christ, Elliot, he's your son! He loves somebody, and that somebody happens to be a boy who obviously loves him back. Why is that not enough for you?! With the profession we're in I'd have thought you'd only want someone to be good to our kids and have a head on their shoulders that wasn't completely fucked up!"

Opening my window, I threw the bag packed with what little I had grabbed from my closet down onto the grass below and climbed out after it. I knew where I needed to be, and for now it would be better than being at home.

"Luca!"

I stopped in the middle of the street not too far from the house, as Mom caught up to me, breathless.

"Your Dad is in denial, but he loves you. I know he does. It may take some time, but he could change. I'm sorry he's being such an asshole."

"Yeah, me too, Mom. Me, too."

"Where are you going?"

I debated for a second even telling her, but I knew she cared, and that Dad's actions were not her fault.

"Aunt Alex's."

"When are you coming home?"

"I don't know, Mom. Maybe not for a while."

She hugged me then, as if it would be the last time she ever did, and I had to will myself not to cry into her shoulder.

"I stand by you. You're still my child. I'll work on Dad."

"You can't always change people, Ma. It may be a waste trying."

"Call me, okay?"

"I promise."

"You can always come home."

As I walked away in the direction of Alex's house, I heard the same words I had earlier that day, but this time, they made me feel entirely different.

"I love you."

I realized then up against the cold wind in the wee hours of the morning, that love didn't necessarily conquer everything, but often brought with it complexity that was beyond human comprehension.