A/N: Sweet babies you guys are so nice! Seriously, thank you so much. Game dialogue alert. I know, more like poopy lazy author alert. Shouldn't happen too often though.
"Hi," Shepard offered rather quietly as she stepped into the cabin. She stood further away from the desk than she usually did. Miranda tilted her head up in acknowledgement of her presence, though she said nothing. Shepard grimaced at the pointed silence, she knew she had made the right decision earlier that day on the prison ship, but it was a hollow reassurance when being face with Miranda's clear anger firsthand.
Miranda kept her eyes focused on the work before her. She had already gotten reprimanded by the Illusive Man; she really wasn't in the mood to entertain a visitor. Shepard was being cautious with her, that much Miranda could tell, but she looked far from intimidated. "Are you mad at me for telling Jack she could have access?"
Miranda shot her a withering look over her terminal as Shepard had a moment of boldness surge through her and took a seat in her usual chair. She was irritated, this was no time for childish games. And yet, she found herself responding. "Yes." Miranda paused a moment before she decided to fully commit to playing along. At least it was an easy way to take a few shots at Shepard and take the woman down a couple of pegs. "Do you make a habit of disregarding the authority of everyone you work with or am I just lucky?"
Shepard chuckled, clearly more excited that Miranda was humoring her than troubled by the sharp nature of her tone. "You seem to bring out the worst in me, I'm afraid." She continued, ignoring the annoyed scoff Miranda let out in return. "Am I in trouble professionally or personally?"
Miranda sized her up for a moment. She certainly had not been expecting that in any way, shape, or form. Honestly, she had been waiting for one of Shepard's awkward, stuttering apologies. Suddenly, the conversation had gotten much more interesting. "Both." Miranda's expression was hard, but there was an almost playful light in her eyes that soothed any doubts Shepard might have had on where they stood.
"Good," she said happily and stood. There was a lot to get done, and she was still in her armor. It really hadn't been the time for conversation, but she was not fond of the thought of leaving Miranda alone in her cabin to stew for a couple of hours. Better to patch up the wound while it was still fresh. Shepard didn't make it out the door before she was called back to turn around.
"Shepard," Miranda had found herself calling out suddenly. "What was it like?" It had been bothering her for ages, pretty much since Shepard had returned. The age old questions of the universe. What waited after death? Was there an afterlife, a god? Were none of the millions of religions correct? Were all of them? Questions that could never be answered, until Shepard. "What happens, after death?"
Shepard seemed taken aback for a moment, and then smiled shyly. She remembered the cold and the darkness the most, the air leaving her lungs and the sense of being nothing but alone, death in the infinite void. And then there was light. The kind that had created the Earth in the tales of old that people like Ashley clung too no matter how much time passed. It was blinding, mind shattering. Light, and then a face. A beautiful face that she had wanted so badly to reach, but a steady hand restrained her own, reassuring her with gentle words. She had died, and then there was Miranda.
"Shepard, don't try to move. Just lie still, try to stay calm."
"Honestly, Miss Lawson," she responded with an apologetic grin, "I hardly remember a thing."
Miranda nodded, she really had not expected much else.
Time seemed to pass quickly after that. Shepard secured Jack's presence on the ship with a finesse that Miranda found greatly surprising. Though she personally kept her distance from the convict, it appeared as though the two women had struck up an odd form of something that could almost be considered friendship. Jack made it clear that no one on the ship would ever hold her complete trust, but she showed a certain tolerance for Shepard's frequent visits, one that hardly fit her psychological profile. It didn't matter, Miranda reminded herself, so long as Jack cooperated and got that job done.
They travelled off to hunt down the warlord next, and though things didn't quite turn out as planned, they winded up with a Krogan of their very own nonetheless. Miranda had made her reservations about releasing the unknown specimen heard, but Shepard outright ignored her as usual when it came to mission work. It was more than a little irritating, especially since she was still feeling a little sour about the incident on Purgatory, but at least she got the satisfaction of watching Shepard limp stiffly out of the elevator after her first talk with Grunt had obviously gotten away from her.
In the end, any animosity from their little disagreements quickly faded with the amount of work they took on. Between the missions sent along from the Illusive Man and Shepard's penchant for helping every small child find their lost puppy, there was hardly time for holding grudges. Luckily, the distractions seemed to have a few convenient benefits. With all the new faces on board, Shepard appeared to be in her element. She conversed with her squad mates as often as she could, getting to know everyone on a personal level. It seemed to brighten her outlook considerably, and Miranda was pleased to note that the stronger connection Shepard formed with the ragtag group, the less she seemed to focus on Cerberus and any negative feelings she had for them. It was becoming her team now. Her mission.
Miranda also found their personal conversations were more relaxed. Shepard still clearly suffered from memories of the event, but she seemed to be getting more in control of her reactions. Once when they were planetside some young merc had tossed a grenade in Shepard's direction, and though she made it to cover, the resulting explosion seemed to spark something in her mind. She got that far off look in her eyes, and Miranda was at her side in an instant, waiting for the inevitable meltdown. Nothing came though, at her touch the commander was able to focus on her XO's presence and shake the feeling off. She had given Miranda a grateful smile before leaping the barrier and charging back into the fray. It was comforting to Miranda. Perhaps Shepard would never be back to the exact woman she had been before her passing, but maybe she was healing just enough to get the job done after all.
It was then, in the midst of the days growing easier that trouble struck, just as Miranda found it always did. The Collectors were striking again, and of course they raced off to meet them head on, winding up fighting their way through the colony on Horizon for all they were worth. Some were saved, but Miranda knew Shepard too well by this point. Everyone taken before they arrived would be a weight she carried on her shoulders.
The Collectors had made their retreat, and now Miranda stood behind her squad mates, arms crossed, growing more irritated by the second.
"Do something," the frantic colonist yelled at them as he watched the alien vessel disappear from view.
Shepard's body was stiff, her voice carrying half the influence it usually did. "I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."
Grunt stood beside her, and nodded his head. "It was a good fight, Shepard."
Miranda was surprised by the words, at how they sounded almost reassuring. It was the closest thing to kindness she had ever witnessed from a Krogan before. Her musings were interrupted as they were joined by yet another stranger, a presence that seemed to excite Shepard. It only took a moment for Miranda to place her.
"Ashley," Shepard stepped forward, relieved her old friend had managed to escape the abductions.
The woman seemed to regard Shepard for a moment, and then reached out a hand, "I thought you were dead, Commander, we all did."
Shepard, who had been shaking her hand enthusiastically, paused and let her grip fall, confused at the bitterness in Ashley's voice. "You don't sound too happy to see me. Something bothering you, Ash?"
"Yeah, something's bothering me." She scoffed. "I spent the past two years believing you were dead. I would have followed you anywhere, Commander. I thought you were gone. You were more than our commander, why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"
Miranda felt a surge of protectiveness sweep through her, that was completely unfair. Blinking, she quickly shook the feeling off. It was one thing to be concerned when something directly affected the mission, but beyond something causing Shepard to be unable to function, the woman's feelings were none of her concern.
Shepard shifted from leg to leg looking uncomfortable. "Not really my choice," she said jokingly, hoping to ease the tense atmosphere that had so suddenly settled around them. When Ashley didn't flinch she continued. "I spent the last two years in some sort of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."
Ashley took a step back. "You're with Cerberus now? I can't believe the reports were right. Alliance Intel said Cerberus could be behind our missing colonies. We got a tip that this one could be the next to get hit." It took effort for Miranda not to roll her eyes, now that she had been expecting. "I went to Anderson but he wouldn't talk. There were rumors that you weren't dead, worse, that you were working for the enemy."
The hurt on Shepard's face was clear, she couldn't hide it. Swallowing hard, she tried to defend herself, though the words did not come out as convincingly as she had hoped. "Cerberus and I want the same things, to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."
"Do you really believe that?" Ashley stepped closer. "Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?"
The words clearly hit home with Shepard, her mistrust with the organization was far from secret and though those feelings seemed to have been falling by the wayside of late, suddenly they were being violently dragged back out into the limelight. Miranda's hand strayed to the pistol at her hip, hovering over the weapon in anticipation.
She was suddenly hit with the realization that she was very much alone. If Shepard wanted to, she could order Ashley and Grunt to turn on her. It was not as though the krogan had any allegiance towards Cerberus. Jacob had been getting frustratingly close with Shepard of late and the rest of the crew had begun warming up considerably towards her as well. Would they put up a fight if their commander pulled a little mutiny? She could very easily be left to rot on Horizon while watching the taillights of a commandeered Normandy disappear into the skyline.
"I wanted to believe you were alive," Ashley continued, not giving Shepard the chance to respond. "I just never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we've stood for."
Miranda was certain her heart wasn't beating as she waited for Shepard's next move. If the commander had loyalties, now would be the moment they surfaced. Her muscles tensed as she watched, eyes flickering over the scene frantically. There would either be words next, or a heck of a lot of gunfire. The seconds Shepard paused before answering felt like minutes, and Miranda felt her fingers twitch involuntarily in expectation as she calculated the probability of escaping the potential encounter with her life. She was nervous, yes, but that in itself felt strange. Surely Shepard wouldn't harm her, that wasn't the way she operated. And yet, Miranda knew it would be the most logical course of action for Shepard to take if she intended to break free of the hold Cerberus had on her.
"Undoubtedly," she had said.
"You saw it yourself," Shepard tried, failing at keeping the frustration from her voice, "the Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers."
"I'd like to believe you, Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. It worries me that you do. What did they do to you? What if they're behind it? What if they're the ones working with the Collectors?
Shepard shook her head sadly as she felt the weight of Ashley's words weigh heavily on her mind. There was nothing she could say, she knew that now. Ashley felt betrayed, abandoned. Whether Shepard was truly doing wrong or not, that didn't matter anymore. There was no real comfort she could offer her friend, but she had to try, for both of their sakes. "You're letting the way you feel about their history get in the way of the facts," she said as gently as she could, keeping any accusation out of her tone.
Miranda relaxed at the statement, she had nothing to fear here.
"Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you," Ashley shot a mistrustful glance in Miranda's direction as she spoke. "Maybe it's you. It doesn't matter; I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, it's in my blood. I'm reporting back to the Citadel, we'll let them decide if they believe your story."
She turned to depart, and Shepard took a quick couple of paces forward, panic in her eyes. "Wait, please. I could use someone like you in my crew, Ash. Someone I trust." The plea in her voice was palpable. "It will be just like old times, huh?"
"No, it won't." Ashley glanced back at her. "I'm no fan of aliens but Cerberus has a history of being extremists. I'll never work for a group like that. See you, Commander." She seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then nodded, "Good luck."
They watched her depart in silence, and when she was gone both of her squad mates turned towards Shepard, looking for direction. Miranda noticed that Grunt appeared bored with the whole situation, as though they were merely wasting his time once all of the shooting was over. Shepard looked tired, as though all the energy from her body had been drained from a single conversation. She refused to look at either of her team while she opened up the connection link to the Normandy.
Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."
Miranda knew what had to be running through Shepard's mind as they each took a seat in the shuttle. The Council, Tali, and now Ashley, even Garrus had questioned her, though he did agree to come along. Shepard was being denied and scrutinized by good friends at every turn. It was clearly becoming a more taxing affair with every incident. They were wounding Shepard, deeply, with every rejection.
It was a rather unintelligent thing to bring up, particularly in that moment, but Miranda found her curiosity was overwhelming her. Uncharacteristically, she decided to throw caution to the wind, and spoke her mind. "You didn't run." It was a statement, but the tone of her voice made the question clear.
Shepard was silent for a moment while the shuttle rattled about as it ascended swiftly towards the Normandy. Grunt side eyed them from where he sat, though his interest was clearly limited. Finally she responded, though she didn't look at Miranda as she spoke. "I'm doing good work with good people, that's what's important." Her face twisted up, as though she had tasted something bitter. "The rest is politics."
Miranda knew the words were a lie, that Shepard had conflicting principles that certainly went against the operations of Cerberus. Still, there was a measure of comfort to be found in the lie because there was also a resounding truth. Shepard was fully dedicated to the cause now, she would never abandon it. She could never. Saving whoever she could, sacrificing herself for the greater good, those were the things Shepard stood for. If she needed Cerberus at her back to make those ideals a reality, then so be it.
The door opened, and it was a few moments before Shepard made it fully into the room, moving at the sluggish pace she was. Miranda glanced up from her terminal, surprised. It was very rare for her commander to visit her so late, especially after a mission as emotionally draining as the one she had just gone through.
"Commander, what can I do for you?"
Shepard refused to meet her gaze, instead opting to let her eyes trail along the floor of the cabin. She moved forward and sighed out heavily in response, "Nothing." When she reached the edge of the desk she turned until her back was against it, and slid down until she was seated on the floor, legs gathered up to her chest. Shepard let her forehead fall to rest on her knees, eyes pulling shut with exhaustion.
Miranda, who had watched the display in silence, scooted forward in her chair to peer around the desk at where Shepard sat huddled up. "Shepard," She tried, only to be immediately shushed. Miranda raised an eyebrow at that. In all of her years, nobody had ever had the gall to 'shush' Miranda Lawson before. Despite the action, Miranda could not help the surge of sympathy that threatened to overwhelm her.
When that faded a bit, only an intense awkwardness was left over. Shepard was curled up, clearly none too eager to speak. What was she supposed to do? What did the woman expect from her, condolence? Reassurance? Clearly not, surely she would need to be permitted to speak for such things. Miranda practically squirmed in her seat, oh how she detested moments such as this. They made her feel weak, useless. Incompetence was not a feeling Miranda was used to experiencing, and it certainly was not one she enjoyed. Not knowing what else to do, eventually she merely moved back in front of her terminal, continuing to type diligently.
As she worked, she was expecting Shepard to say something. To vocalize what she needed or what she desired. Miranda came to realize she had never just been with somebody before. There was purpose in meetings, whether they be professional or personal. There was a goal, an end. This? This was just existing, side by side.
It wasn't until over half an hour had passed before Shepard finally spoke. Her voice was muffled, as she did not lift her head, but that could not keep Miranda from hearing every word perfectly. "Why do I keep getting yelled at for being alive?"
Miranda found she desperately wished she had the answer.
A/N: Can I just say… I reread this chapter and I was like, something's not clicking, it doesn't have the right flow… It's FREAKING Ashley. I like her character a lot but her game dialogue in this part is crazy. I took it down word for word and it still felt so disjointed. SHE'S BEING SO UGH. YOU RUIN THE CHAPTER FOOL. Oh well *sigh* Just goes to show how much is lost when you lose the subtle inflections of the voice actors. Man those people are good at what they do.