Chapter 4 – On / Off
Yuri knew that his next move had to be fast and furious. It had to be six whole movies worth of The Fast and The Furious, or else it would fall short and everything might just fall apart. His initial impulse was to just remain frozen in the position he was currently in, but that would make him look even more suspicious, if that would be even possible. After all, he had to wonder: Being followed is suspicious, but what is more suspicious than being followed by someone who, upon being caught, simply stands stock-still? He had to at least be a believable spy.
Nearby, he found one of the shrubs on the lawn. It was just close enough to duck behind, although it was so close that it had to be within Yomotsu's range of hearing. No matter; in this quiet, there was no telling what could and could not be properly picked up. Yomotsu was a runner, that much could be gleaned so far, and if he made a dash for it, Yuri would be on the losing end.
He ducked beyond the bushes—later on, he would reflectively wonder whether these plants would be better called bushes or shrubs, and this led him to question all facets of botanical etymology—and listened as Yomotsu's footsteps got closer and closer. His feet began on the paved sidewalk, but then they transitioned to the padded grass. Yomotsu, who was wearing his typical gray-black onesie pajamas, had soft footsteps that could only be heard because of how dead the night was. Yuri, however, almost wished he had not been able to hear them—it only made him more and more nervous, which made his heart beat faster and faster, which drowned out any sound other than those ominous footsteps themselves.
The footsteps were getting louder, as though someone in the distance were making slight adjustments on the speakers. A little more, and everything would come crashing down, and he would have to live with the unbearable shame of having been figured out by Yomotsu.
"My, my! If it isn't the 12th! Aren't you a sight for sore eye?"
The footsteps stopped. Yuri remained kneeling behind the bush, in suspense. That voice was totally new to him. Someone had saved him from being identified, if indeed Yomotsu would have had a way of truly identifying Yuri without being able to see his face. More on his mind, though, was that peculiar name by which the man had identified Yomotsu.
"You sound surprised to see me, but I am not surprised to see you!" Now it was clearly Yomotsu who was speaking. The voice lifted from a deep low to an emphatic high. "A scoundrel such as you belongs to the night! You can't stand your works to be done in the day—Wi-Fi Man!"
Yuri looked around. He was waiting for the people to jump out from behind their hiding places, and tell him he was on Candid Camera. He could somehow accept Yomotsu dressing up in a onesie and being called the 12th, because that somehow was excusable and just made proper sense given it was Yomotsu, but the incredulity of there being a "Wi-Fi Man" was enough to make him anticipate Peter Funt's narration and the accompanying laugh track.
Yuri felt brave enough now to break himself away from his position. He shuffled himself in such a manner that he could remain hidden behind the bush/shrub, while also being at such an angle and spot as to see to a large degree what was happening so close by.
By this time, the 12th had stepped back onto the sidewalk, where he stood parallel from this "Wi-Fi Man," with perhaps two meters separating them. The 12th was still wearing that ridiculous giant eyeball mask, which was not surprising. Yuri was now searching his appearance, looking for the number "12" but was unable to find anything of the sort.
Wi-Fi Man had a more elaborate getup. He donned a white long-sleeve polo, with the traditional Wi-Fi symbol printed largely on theshirt—the tower with two blue sets of waves coming from a circle on top. His pants were white as his shirt, giving his look a nice uniformity, and he wore rubber boots and gloves that were the same blue as the symbol on his chest. Strapped to his back was this mess of a contraption, with various antennae sticking out here and there and lights blinking on and off all over the place. Wi-Fi Man's face was concealed by a hollowed out, old-school computer monitor—a bulky, off-white monitor fitting for a Windows 95 model.
"I am merely at the first cell in my spreadsheet of destruction," Wi-Fi Man proclaimed, his voice muffled as it came through his makeshift monitor mask. "Once these startup tests have been successfully completed, I shall have all the data I need to copy and paste this set of commands into the daytime slot—and there I shall cause widespread paranoia! Soon, all of the Wi-Fi connections in this area will be turned off, and once I'm through with Graceville, I will extend my reach throughout the country!"
The 12th had his hands on his hips and was shaking his big, eyeball head. "Your efforts so far have been so weak that the local authorities have merely dismissed this sporadic loss of Internet connection as technical error," he began. "But regardless of your ineffectiveness thus far—I must stop you, evildoer, before you can claim even the slightest victory! I have alerted the local authorities of your presence, and while the general public may not know your name, you are a now a wanted man!"
A silence followed. Wi-Fi Man pulled on his rubber gloves, before tightening his hands into fists and getting into what looked like a Tekken-worthy fighting stance. He would bounce from one leg to the other, slightly back and forward, while punching occasionally in the air with one fist or the other. The 12th let his body slouch forward slightly, and his long arms dragged down in front of him, giving him a zoned-out appearance.
Yuri watched as Wi-Fi Man rushed forward, sending a flying right hook Yomotsu's way. The 12th, however, anticipated the strike and dodged to the left, allowing Wi-Fi man to rush past him. His opponent staggered forward, before regaining his composure and making another go at it. This time, he advanced with a quick shuffle of his feet and began to strike with multiple punches, aiming high and low at a random pattern.
Yomotsu caught each blow with his forearm. The gloves he wore appeared to be strong enough to protect him from the blunt of the blow, or else Wi-Fi Man's punches were weaker than they initially appeared. Either way, the 12th made his opponent look like a total pushover.
When Wi-Fi Man was growing tired of the onslaught, the 12th took immediate notice of the slower pace and the diminishing energy in the would-be criminal threat's attacks. Yomotsu blocked another punch and, in less time than it would have taken for Wi-Fi Man to make his next attempt, Yomotsu gave a sharp roundhouse kick to Wi-Fi Man's side.
This was enough to cause Wi-Fi Man to crumble to the sidewalk. The 12th, never one to overdo his offensive, immediately planted his foot on Wi-Fi Man's back, as though claiming new territory, with his flag being the invisible banner of justice.
"You—innocent bystander in the bushes!" The 12th pointed. "Call the police and let them know that I have captured Wi-Fi Man."
Yuri pointed to himself. He almost asked, "Who… me?" He knew, however, that so far he had not spoken, and the moment he let his voice be heard, it would surely give away his identity. If he remained silent, there was still a clean way out of this situation. He would have to speak on the phone, but he'd do it in such a low whisper, in such a put-on accent, that it would be enough to trick anyone, even Yomotsu.
Sitting cross-legged in the grass, Yuri pulled out his phone from within the pocket of his devil ducky shorts. It was a smartphone, because Yuri did like to keep up with the times. He rang up the Graceville police department and was welcomed by a cheerful female robot voice: "Hello! Your call is very important to us. That is why we are making sure you get placed to the right person at the right time. We realize that your satisfaction is the engine that keeps Graceville running all peachy keen. Please wait while we transfer your call."
A nice little jingle started, and Yuri found himself bobbing his head along with it after a while. It was excruciatingly catchy, like double stick tape. Yomotsu, when Yuri looked over at him out of the corner of his eye, was still standing proudly over his defeated opponent. One kick. It had only taken one kick, and now Wi-Fi Man was out completely.
"Hey man, this is the police and stuff. Uhhhhh… What can we do for youz?"
Yuri let out a quick, inward sigh. He went with the first accent that came to mind, trying to do his best to sound as much unlike himself as possible, in case Yomotsu was able to overhear. "Dees ees uh pedestriuhn, unt ich vant to tell ch'you daht dah Twelt hass caught-uh Vhy-Fi Man. Vee ahr aht…" Yuri checked the street signs and relayed their location accordingly.
When he was finished, Yuri slipped the smartphone back into his pocket and simply waited. Given the level of professionalism he had already observed from the police, he was surprised when a police vehicle arrived in short time.
Two officers pulled out of the vehicle. One was a portly man with a thick mustache, and he had a certain bounce in his walk. The other officer was very tall and had a bald head. Had there been a pronounced moon out, Yuri was sure the light would have reflected beautifully off the man's cranium.
"Ey, if it isn't ol' Eye Sore!" called out the plump officer. "Guess youz weren't kiddin' afterall! This looks like a real tried an' true Wi-Fi Man, if I ever saw one!"
The tall officer stood by his partner's side and simply said, in a deep bass voice, "Ditto."
Yuri watched as Yomotsu stepped off the crushed Wi-Fi Man, allowing the two officers to hoist him up and handcuff him.
"Youz the one who'z responsible for the streetlights goin' out, eh?" The mustached officer led the criminal to the vehicle.
Wi-Fi Man, with his hands secured behind his back, shook his monitor head. "Of course it's me! You think any of the other models have the sort of upgrades and core capabilities I possess?"
The mustached officer gave a few nods. "Youz mean there's more pathetic guyz like youz, with nothin' better to do in your time than cause technical difficulties? Ouch. My regimen of playing XBOX all day seems a lot more productive all of a sudden!"
The bald officer gave a nod and echoed powerfully, through his partner's laughter, "I love those boxes."
The officers pushed Wi-Fi Man into the vehicle, which was difficult because of that bulky backpack setup, before preparing to leave just as quickly as they came. "Ey, thanks Eye Sore!"
Yomotsu crossed his arms. "I prefer to be called the 12th: Hero of Justice."
The chubby officer started laughing as he and his partner got into the vehicle from opposite sides. "Yeah, whatever!" He shouted through the ajar car window. The police vehicle started off slow and then sped off.
Coming up was perhaps the most difficult part for Yuri, as the situation quickly dawned on him. Now that Wi-Fi Man had been apprehended, there was no reason why Yomotsu might not call into question the one who had been following him, and Yuri was not sure how long he could keep his housemate out of the loop.
"It is getting late," the 12th said aloud. "I should be returning home now."
Yuri smiled. Perhaps it really would be that easy, just as everything so far had gone so easily. If Yomotsu was saying that he was going to go home, that meant he would not be questioning him at this moment. He would just be leaving him. Then the smile disappeared, when he remembered that Yomotsu's home was also his own, and if the 12th should go on first and immediately check in on his housemate, he would find an empty room.
"…Me too," Yuri returned, trying to maintain his accent, as his brain formulated how to get out of this predicament. Yuri observed, from behind the bush, as Yomotsu started walking away—in the exact opposite direction of their house.
Yuri, while puzzled, thought it best to just play along. He rose and, once he was sure that his housemate was a safe distance away, began the steady walk back the opposite way, toward their house. This went on for some time, before Yuri began hearing something behind him.
He was halfway to the house, when he noticed something flash behind the bushes behind him. Yuri took a few more steps and then, out of the corner of his eye, caught Yomotsu hopping again from shrub to shrub. For every few steps he went, his housemate, in an attempt at stealth, kept creeping behind him, trying to give the illusion that he had already continued on down the other end of the sidewalk.
Yuri gave up on reacting and just simply accepted this pattern of being followed, all the way up until they reached the house. He then, after checking the front door and realizing that the doorknob had still not been replaced—since Yomotsu yanked it off, that first day he had arrived—suffered to crawl back up into his window. Yuri threw himself onto the bed and slept for a long time.
A strip of fruit leather tastes best at night, after a tough and eventful day. Fruit leather has that tough texture that takes some time to work through, but once it finally yields, it offers such sweetness and tartness at once. $2.00 a box, the other day—he still had no regrets about that purchase. Sometime soon, he would buy some more fruit leather, if the sale was still going on. It was one of those in-store specials, one of those elusive finds that could not be pinpointed just from the given material of the store ad.
A real investigation tastes best at night, after a tough and eventful day. A real investigation has that tough texture that takes some time to work through, but once the case finally yields, it offers such sweetness and tartness at once. Sometime soon, he knew he would have it all figured out, if this current lead was correct. It was one of those unexpected specials, one of those elusive targets that could not be pinpointed just from the given material of the Most Wanted List.
Yomotsu sat cross-legged on the floor of his room. His laptop was hot against his legs. He was still in costume, minus the eyeball mask he had slung over the arm of his rolling chair. The window was covered up by thick curtains, so the illumination from the laptop screen as the only light in the room.
He was scrolling down along the touchpad through his gloves. It was not working out well. Frustrated, he ripped off the gloves and tossed them onto the chair. He went back to staring at the screen, scrolling down whatever it was he was scrolling through. He had the screen set to its brightest level, because that was the manufacturer's default, but truth be told, the screen could have been pitch black and it would have made no difference to Yomotsu.
"With Wi-Fi Man in custody, that removes one more possibility," Yomotsu whispered to himself. "But…" But he had played his Diary, and the same message had been repeated back to him. That same message that, just like all other messages, was in his own voice and betrayed only the essential details. Wi-Fi Man had been captured, but the message remained. "This means…"
He opened up one of the files on his desktop. Inside, he created a new document. It was born among dozens of others, organized alphabetically. After naming the document, it fell from its original spot at the top to the very bottom. A list of documents took the form of a list of names—first, then last. He typed a "W," and then cycled to the second result. He moved the file to a different folder. It was important to keep these two groups separate.
"I hate to suspect you, but…" He opened the file he had created just a few seconds ago. "I can't ignore this possibility. Surveillance must be done, posthaste, just in case…"
The window popped up: a blank document. He began typing away. His fingers knew the keyboard intimately. Hundreds of words appeared within a short time, spawned from the minimal information he had. There were so many blank spots, so much inadequacy in the data. He rested his right elbow on his right knee, and then rested his cheek on that palm. Yomotsu sighed.
"If you are who you say you are, you still could be who I think you are, or even, who you potentially could be. Simply observing you as I have been so far will not suffice; a subject displays more strands of behavior in new environments. If you are righteous, you have nothing to fear, but if you are truly wicked at heart, you will certainly be vanquished! It is for this reason that tomorrow, we must go to the grocery store."
He closed the laptop.
"Mr. Petrov… You said you have your own particular vision of justice. Whether your vision is clear or tainted will be put to the test very soon. You're the one I've been looking for, whichever way the future unfolds. In either case, I am most fortunate that you're living in the same household as me… Yuri, the game is on."