Chapter Five
The Big Lebowski
Calvin woke up inside Hobbes bedroom; he noticed that Hobbes was nowhere to be found, "Hobbes?" he called, "Where'd you go?" Calvin heard a slight growl coming from the kitchen, assuming that it was Hobbes; Calvin got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen.
Hobbes was sitting at the kitchen looking periodically between his watch and his newspaper that he was reading. "Hey Calvin" Hobbes said, sensing that the boy was in the room, "did you know that the Moon is shrinking? Apparently by 55 centimeters every year! Isn't that interesting?" Calvin shrugged, "I guess so Hobbes..." Calvin sat down at the kitchen table and patiently waited. Hobbes looked up from his paper and saw Calvin twiddling with his thumbs, "Well?"" the boy began, "where's breakfast?" Hobbes laughed to himself, forgetting for a moment that Calvin required food every single day in order to survive. Hobbes stood up and walked over to the stove and opened it, grabbing the pot that he kept inside along with a large spoon. The tiger walked over to the fridge, grabbed seven eggs and a slice of ham and cheese and began making his signature omelet.
As Calvin waited eagerly for his omelet, he realized that he had to go to the bathroom, "Hey where's your bathroom?" he asked. Hobbes pointed to the kitchen wall, indicating that it was behind the kitchen. Calvin stood up from the table and walked towards the bathroom. Upon reaching the door, Calvin saw that it was just an ordinary bathroom; he closed the door and did his business.
Just as Calvin was washing his hands, Hobbes opened the door, Calvin's omelet plate in one hand, his mailbag slung over his shoulder and his work hat on his head. Calvin was confused as to why Hobbes was there to begin with, "What are you doing?" he asked as he dried his hands with his shirt. Hobbes laughed and flipped a switch on the wall, in an instant, the bathroom turned from a bathroom to an office. In the middle of the room was a large desk, a computer, a printer and a wastebasket were on and/or near the desk. On the far wall was a single filing cabinet, the back wall had a large window that looked out at the water that surrounded Jessop. Hobbes smiled, saying nothing and turned the handle on the doorknob.
As soon as Hobbes opened the door, they were standing in a large bowling alley. "Where exactly are we Hobbes?" Calvin asked, still in the middle of eating the omelet, "Kid" Hobbes answered, "This is Charlie's place." Hobbes walked over to the middle of the room and began looking around for Charlie, "Charlie?" he called, "Where are you, you sick bastard?" A small audible growl was his response, turning around Hobbes was met with a large snow leopard wearing a black bow tie around his neck and a top hat, "Did you call me?" it said. Hobbes laughed, "No" he answered sarcastically, "I was calling Charlie Tuna, of course you idiot!" Charlie returned Hobbes' laugh, "You treating my sister well?" he asked more seriously. Hobbes nodded, "Yes Charlie, Tamilia's fine" Hobbes pulled out a large box, "Here's your mail."
Calvin meanwhile was busy whistling to himself, "Hey Calvin" Hobbes called, "come over here!" Calvin lazily walked over; intimating Hobbes' walking style, "Yeah?" the boy asked shortly, "What is it?" Charlie extended his hand to Calvin, "So you're Calvin, eh?" he exclaimed as Calvin took his hand and shook it to the best of his ability, "Well it's good to get a face to face. Hobbes told me all about you boy. Oh yes, all about you." the last part Charlie said as if he had been stalking Calvin in secret, for it was low and gurgled. "Nice to meet you Charlie" Calvin answered innocently, "so what do you do here?" Charlie looked at Hobbes with a 'He did not just ask me that' expression, Hobbes returned it. Charlie sighed deeply, "This is my bowling alley Calvin. You know where I can run things...watch people bowl..." it was extremely awkward for him to continue for he had never met a person who didn't know what a person did in a bowling alley, "Are you stupid or something kid? It's a blowing alley, what do you think people do!" Calvin laughed, "I don't know. Go bowling I guess."
Charlie and Hobbes both let out a sigh of relief, Charlie patted Hobbes on the back and leaned in, "I'm so sorry" he whispered, "Yeah" Hobbes replied, "me too." Charlie shook Calvin's hand again and turned back towards Hobbes, "Just do me a favor Hobbes" he said, his voice all business, "Don't break Tamilia's heart. She's had too much pain already ever since Tommy...you know what she's expecting right?" Hobbes nodded and looked back at Calvin, "I know Charlie. When this is all over. I promised her that, my first and foremost responsibility is to Calvin, as soon as he-" He couldn't finish his sentence, for he had begun to tear up, but even so, Hobbes continued, "grows up...Tamilia will be all that matters."
Calvin picked up a bowling ball and walked over to the one of the lanes. He threw it down the lane, but accidently brought himself along with it. "Hobbes!" Calvin screamed as he flew towards the rack that reset the pins, "Help me!" Hobbes ran out on the lane, only to slip and slide towards the rack. Charlie ran to the back room to try and stop the machine. Calvin and Hobbes' heads were now in place of the pins, caught in the machines, "Charlie!" Hobbes yelled, "get us out of here man!" Charlie nodded as he began pressing buttons on the control pad on the back wall. "Nothing's working man!" Charlie exclaimed, "Let me try something else" Charlie then ran to a storage closet. Calvin was almost choking, Hobbes whistled and instantly a large cartoonish hand appeared. The hand moved around to Calvin's backside and began pulling, but to no avail.
Charlie returned with a crowbar. The resetting machine moved up and down forcefully, trying to get Calvin and Hobbes' head to cooperate with its demands. "Charlie!" Hobbes screamed again, as he looked towards Calvin, whose face was now blue, "Do something man! He's dying here!" Charlie jammed the crowbar at the machine's joint and pulled down with all he had, but again his efforts were futile. Suddenly, the machine stopped, and like a weight at a gym, dropped to the ground. Charlie and Hobbes followed the machine's wire and found it unplugged at its end, holding the plug was Tamilia.
Calvin crawled out from underneath the machine, Hobbes was immediately at his side, "You alright Calvin?" he asked, close to having a heart attack. Calvin nodded as his face returned to its normal color. "Yeah I'm fine" Calvin answered, his voice extremely hoarse, "Fine" Tamilia exclaimed as she walked forward, "Your face was bluer than a blueberry, kid. You gotha be more careful around here." Hobbes immediately stood up and brushed himself off and turned towards Calvin, "Calvin...this is Tamilia." Calvin looked her over, his eyes squinting as he did so, "Hmmm" Calvin said aloud, "she looks like a bitch." Hobbes' and Charlie's mouth were agape at this, "Calvin!" Hobbes screamed, "Are you trying to get me killed here!" Calvin shrugged, "What? I'm only observing what you taught me, that girls who have low paying jobs have no respect and girls who have no respects are whores and all whores are bitches."
Hobbes slapped himself in the face; he couldn't believe that this was happening. "Please this end quickly" Hobbes said to no one in particular. Hobbes' inner voice joined in the conversation; "Dude you gotha shut that brat up! He'll ruin your chance with Tamilia..." Hobbes cut himself, "Don't you think I know that! Now shut up inner voice, I'm thinking." Hobbes' inner voice wasn't done yet however, "Tamilia sure is a dame isn't she? What a dame, what a dame!" Hobbes smiled to himself, "Yeah, what a dame indeed."
Calvin extended his hand towards Tamilia in greeting, apparently making amends for his comment, "Nice to meet yah. I'm the President of GROSS." Tamilia raised her eyebrows at this, "GROSS? What is that?" Calvin puffed up his chest proudly and answered her, "Get Rid Of Slimy-" before he could finish Hobbes tackled him to the ground and dragged him around the nearest corner.
"Hey what gives Hobbes?" Calvin asked, "I was telling her about GROSS!" Hobbes was fuming, his fur was mangled in random directions, his claws were out, he was breathing heavily and sweat was rolling down his neck and chest. "Calvin" Hobbes said sternly, as he got directly in Calvin's face, "don't ever talk about GROSS here. Ever! Understand me?" Calvin shook his head, "Why not Hobbes?" Hobbes grabbed Calvin's shirt collar and pinned up against the wall, lifting him up to his eyelevel, "Because Calvin! I happen to like Tamilia. A lot actually, and GROSS kinda gets in the way of that." Calvin laughed, "I thought you liked Susie?" Hobbes was close to punching Calvin in the face, but restrained himself, "Susie was just a-a-a" Hobbes was searching for the right words, "Hell, I'll just say, Susie was a bitch alright!" Calvin laughed again, Hobbes still held Calvin against the wall and three feet in the air, "How much do you like her anyway?"
Hobbes already knew the answer to this question, but he couldn't say it at normal speaking voice, for fear that Tamilia might hear. Leaning in, Hobbes gave his answer, "Enough to give her a box with a ring inside Calvin." Calvin huffed at this, "I'm sorry Hobbes" he said smugly, "I couldn't hear you, please speak up." Hobbes gritted his teeth, "You heard me Calvin. I said I want to marry her!" Calvin brought his hand to his ear and leaned in closer, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to speak up; I'm a little deaf in this ear." Hobbes was done holding back; he raised his fist and punched Calvin in the face, giving him a black eye and dropping Calvin to the ground. "I said, I want to marry Tamilia okay!" Hobbes accidently screamed this last part, "Ah shit" he continued in the same tone. Hobbes turned back to Calvin, who was laughing as he lay on the ground, "And you call yourself the First Tiger of GROSS? You make me sick Hobbes." Hobbes was more than furious, he was enraged, every bone in his body wanted to rip Calvin in two, but he knew that if he did, he would never be able to forgive himself. Hobbes pulled out the zipper and opened it, the zipper hole looked inside Calvin's bedroom. Hobbes only pointed towards the hole, standing up Calvin looked at Hobbes, "But what about going on the mail route?" he asked. Hobbes simply shook his head, his head was still thinking of how he could murder Calvin on the spot, but his heart was crying, embarrassed and broken at his confession that thankfully, no one heard but Calvin. "Just get out of here Calvin" Hobbes said solemnly, "Your mother's probably worried sick about you anyways." Calvin tried to protest once more but Hobbes shot him a look that shut him up, "I'm sorry Hobbes" Calvin said apologetically, "I shouldn't have pressed. Can you forgive me?" Hobbes stared at Calvin in silence, just as Calvin was about to go through, Hobbes gave his answer, "Tomorrow I can forgive you...But don't even think about calling me. I'll be with Tamilia on our date and if you do I'll just ignore it." Calvin nodded in understanding and stepped through the zipper.
Hobbes closed the zipper and placed it back in his pocket. He then made his way around the corner, gave his goodbyes to both Tamilia and Charlie and headed back to his bathroom to finish his mail route.