Characters are not mine.
When Jane had calmed down again, she asked "What is the second thing I need to do?" Maura looked at her seriously. "Answer some questions." Jane winced. "Jane I need to know some things." "And if I don't answer them now you won't stop asking them until I do, will you?" Jane completed Maura's sentence. Maura didn't react.
"Ok, I'll do it" Jane said. "Just please write them down. I couldn't stand hearing you asking them." Maura didn't understand, but she would do it anyway. She needed answers. Quietly she wrote down every question on her mind while Jane was fidgeting. "Are you writing a novel or what?" She was more than nervous. She was feeling sick again.
Finally Maura thought she had everything together. "How would you feel the most comfortable?" Jane decided on staying in bed, but having Maura sitting behind her, so she didn't feel like she was being stared at. Plus she wanted to be held by her best friend. It was hard for her to admit that to her friend, but she knew what was to come wouldn't be easy at all and she just felt so safe in Maura's embrace.
The mattress shifted as Maura got behind Jane. She sat with her legs crossed and pulled Jane back until the brunette was basically sitting on her lab. She ran her hands up and down her friends arms and then closed her arms around the other woman. Realizing that this posture was rather uncomfortable, she rocked them both back until her back hit the headboard.
She pressed Jane against her one more time. "It's just me Jane." Jane breathed out loudly. "That's the problem, Maur. I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend." Maura sighed. "Yes I am. And that's why you won't lose me." She handed Jane the paper she had prepared.
Jane read the questions out loud. "One. Are you suicidal?" I just need to know. I couldn't live without you, Maura thought. Jane shook her head. "I am not. I promise." Maura nodded in relief, tears building up in her eyes. "Two. When did you start?" Jane shivered slightly. "You won't like the answer, I guess." she said, her voice breaking.
When Jane didn't go on, Maura encouraged her. "I've seen from the scars, that it was definitely more than one year ago." A tear rolled down her cheek. Jane nodded. "It was after I shot Doyle." When the words arrived at Maura's brain she inhaled sharply. She hadn't been there for Jane. She could have stopped her. "It's not your fault." Jane said, sensing her friends guilt. "I haven't been there for you." Maura whispered. "No! Please, Maura, let me get through all of these." she pointed at the questions. "You couldn't have done anything." Maura tried to stop the tears. She had to be strong until Jane was done.
"Three. Why did you start?" "It isn't that easy" she said while some tears were slipping. "It's ok." the blonde reassured her friend. "I was just wondering if there was a specific situation that triggered it." She couldn't help but feel like she was the reason. It was her who pushed Jane away after all.
"I had... gosh this is so hard." Jane started. Maura pulled her even closer. "I had a nightmare. About Hoyt and when I woke up I was crying and I couldn't stop thinking about him and my hands hurt like hell. I took pain meds, but they didn't work. I remembered something I read once, I think it was actually meant to be funny, about how you can make headaches disappear by hitting your thumb. So I thought it might work for myself, too. I took a knife and cut my calve. It wasn't deep and it didn't really hurt, but my hands felt better instantly. So I cut again. And I felt better overall with each cut I made."
The feeling of guilt kept getting stronger. Jane had always called her when she had had a nightmare. Why hadn't she been there that night? Why had she been so selfish?
"Four. What does it do for you?" She breathed in deeply. "Like I said, it helps me to get rid of pain. I often have nightmares that leave me with headaches which don't go away with pills. I spend nights lying awake because my thoughts are racing. When I cut myself, the aches go away and my mind calms down. It's like a comfortable silence. It allows me to sleep. When I am stressed because I can't solve a case, it helps to relieve it and it helps me to focus."
There was a moment of silence until Jane went on. She realized that Maura wouldn't say anything until she was done. "Five. Is it a form of punishment for you? No." She couldn't help but notice how good it felt to talk about all of it. It was like a weight being lifted from her shoulders.
"Six. Do you think you suffer from depression? No. I keep having nightmares and sleepless nights though." She wondered when the regret would set in. "Seven. Have you talked to anyone about it? No. No one but you now." Why hadn't she? It felt so good right now.