Characters are not mine.
I know Maura is a bit out of character (at least I think so), but that has its meaning and is going to be explained later in this story
"Eight. How do you feel while you do it?" Should she really open up that far? Jane counted her feelings while she cut to her most private things. But it was Maura, and she would have to tell her sooner or later.
"I feel bad" she began while tears started to fall again. "I hate myself when I do it. I feel disgusting. I feel worthless. These feelings last for a few days."
She felt Maura sob behind her. It wasn't long until she noticed the bigger growing wet spots on her back. Maura was crying. Violently. She turned around, hugging the blonde to her chest. She didn't know what to do. She felt helpless. Why was Maura crying? Was is something she had said? Or was she giving Maura the impression of being the reason for all of this?
"Don't hate yourself Jane. Please don't hate yourself." The blonde sobbed.
"I just can't help it."
"Please" Maura begged while looking pleading into Jane's eyes. "Don't hate yourself when I love you so much." Jane was startled. Maura couldn't mean what she had said. She was Maura's best friend, surely the blonde had just meant it in a platonic way. She couldn't really love Jane the way Jane loved her. Maura was stunning. She was beautiful and smart and adorable and so much more. And Jane was just Jane.
"There's nothing to love about me." She whispered. Maura placed her hands on each side of the detective's face. Her face was tear stained, her eyes red, but they held a huge amount of emotions. "Don't you dare insult my Jane the way you just did. Don't say there's nothing to love about you while I love you the way you are. You are not disgusting. Do you hear me." She slightly shook Jane's head. "You are perfect. You are wonderful. You are my best friend. You are the only friend I've ever had and I love you so much. Even though I know you don't believe so, you are worthy of a happy life. You are worth being loved. You are worth so much more than you think you are." Maura had never imagined telling Jane she loved her that way. But it just felt right. She had to make her friend see how amazing she was, how amazing she was to Maura.
Jane looked away from the blonde. "Not since I do this" she placed her hand over her thigh.
Never in her life had Jane Rizzoli expected to be hit by Maura Isles.
Her friend's hand hit her hard and she could just stare in shock. Maura was now screaming at her. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli! You showed me what loyalty is. You showed me how it feels to be loved. You showed me what family means. You always stood right beside me and protected me. You saved my live numerous times, in multiple ways. Without you, I would maybe live, but I wouldn't be alive. I owe you everything. I love you for all of this. And you harming yourself doesn't change anything." When she had gotten everything out she finally calmed down.
Seeing the red mark on Jane's face her eyes went wide in shock, matching Jane's. "Oh my god, I'm so-" before she could end her apology Jane stopped her with her lips. The brunette kissed her hard and after the first moment of shock Maura responded hungrily. It wasn't long until Jane pushed the doctor back, landing on top of her. When her thighs made contact with Maura's she yelped in pain. That brought Maura back to reality.
They looked at each other just as shocked as before. "Can we-" Jane started. "Can we forget that?" She knew she had meant that kiss, she wasn't so sure about Maura. Even if Maura felt like she did, they had more important things to deal with right now. Maura seemed to think the same, at least she nodded yes. They just looked at each other for several more minutes, before Jane picked up the questions again.
"Nine. Why haven't you told me? First of all I was, I am, ashamed. Then I guess I was too proud to admit it. I mean, Detective Jane Rizzoli would never hurt herself. I was afraid it could change our friendship. I was afraid you'd judge me, that you wouldn't want to spend time with me anymore. And I was so scared of losing you, because you are my best friend. You are more than just that. You're my everything Maura. I didn't want to get you involved. Hell, I didn't want you to see me like this because I thought you would think less of me. I can't live without you by my side." Jane looked down at the list. That was the last question. She had done it. And it felt oh so good. Still the feeling of shame and disgust against herself lasted. Opening up completely to someone was nothing she had ever experienced, and she felt small and helpless. Yet it felt so good.
"Thank you Jane." Maura said gently. "Do you want to go back to normal right now or am I allowed to hug you one more time?" Jane scooted closer to the blonde and opened her arms.
They spent about an hour crying into each other and holding the other one, overwhelmed by the trust and safety they found in their embrace. When Jane's stomach grumbled, they decided to get up and eat something. Before Maura left the bedroom, and Jane in it, they silently agreed that none of what happened during the previous hours would ever be mentioned again. No more talking about Jane's self harm, no more crying about the subject, no more long hugs, no more confessing love and no kisses. Maura only hoped that Jane knew she could seek comfort in her any time, and that Jane would come to get stitches if she needed them.
When Jane entered the living room wearing her usual clothes, she noticed Maura was still in the bathroom. She picked up a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write.