Characters are still not mine.
We'll finally see what Jane wrote

-Once home she sat down on her couch and opened the envelop. She found a handwritten letter.-

Hey Maur,

I've never written a letter before, so please excuse if I do things wrong. I wanted to thank you again for yesterday. Actually that's not the truth. I want to thank you for being you.

You know that I usually don't talk about my feelings. I don't know if you know why, but let's just say I've been hurt before and I never had someone to talk to. The last year has been hard for me, and I feel dumb for believing you could hurt me. But I did, and I want you to understand why.

When I first started, you weren't there as my friend. I don't blame you for that, I wasn't there for you as well. It was a hard time for both of us. If I were you I would have been more than mad, too. So it's NOT your fault that I started what I do. It had nothing to do with you. Please don't feel guilty, because I know you do.

When we first started working together, I thought you were cold and weird. But the more I got to know you, the more I realized that it was your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt. You pulled away from everything, I covered my fear with sarcasm. I know you had to endure a lot before I realized we were alike. I'm really really sorry for that.

Still then I thought we could never be friends. You were this amazing, beautiful, feminine, smart and rich doctor, and I was me – a messy, unattractive, loud, swearing and poor detective. As much as we were alike emotionally, we were different in every aspect of our lives. I don't know why, but you stayed with me. And this friendship developed. This friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I can't deny though, that I soon started to have thoughts that were inappropriate for friends. I kept them to myself all this time, because I was afraid that I could lose our friendship. I kept it to myself all this time, because our friendship was more important to me than my feelings. That's also why I never wanted to go on dates btw. I never even talked to you about liking a woman like that, because I was afraid it might offend you.

After I shot Doyle I thought I had lost you. And for the first time after Hoyt I tried to do the same thing you always do: push everyone away. So when I started you know what, I didn't even think about telling someone, especially not you, since I thought I had already lost you.

But then we stopped fighting and I was so happy to have you back again, that I was afraid to lose you all over again because of what I do. I lost Casey that way. That's why I never said anything about it.

When you found out, I had a panic attack, because I thought for sure I'd lose you all over again, but never get you back this time.

I searched for people who do the same as me on the internet. All I found were teenage girls who talked about their family and friends thinking of them as crazy for doing it and blaming them for ruining their lives. I was so afraid that you could blame me for ruining your life. I was so ashamed of what I do, because obviously it is a teenage thing and such a wrong thing to do.

When you held me that night I was convinced you would just do it out of pity. When you promised me that we would go back to normal I still thought I was going to regret showing and telling you. I was convinced you would see how often I did it or hear something that you found disgusting and leave. Or be different afterwards. But then you stitched me up. And I don't mean just the wounds. You stitched me up, you gave me hope. Hope that it wasn't that bad after all.

When you wrote down your questions I thought I would break apart again. You have no idea how nervous I was. I thought you'd ask things like why I did this to you. But you didn't. Your questions actually showed that you care for me, I guess.

The way you pulled me onto your lap and the way you hugged me to you – I could have stayed like that forever. With every question I answered I felt better. I was sure the regret would come at some point, but I felt like I could tell you everything that moment. When I should tell you about how I feel when I do it, I really struggled. I thought I couldn't do any more harm to our friendship, so I decided to tell you the truth.

It will be a long time until I am going to be able to believe what you said. I hope that you will deal with my needy self until then.

When you called me YOUR Jane, I felt like I died a little bit inside. All I ever wanted to be since I got to know you was being yours. Still I thought you wouldn't want me after what I had done. You told me you loved me, but I was sure you meant that in a platonic way. How could you, the amazing Maura Dorothea Isles, reciprocate my feelings?

And then you hit me. Holy shit, Maura, you hit me. I guess I needed that. It made me remember that we are so much alike on the inside. It also was quite hot to be honest. You screamed at me and all I wanted to do was erase the discomfort I had caused. Why else would you scream at me? I wanted to make it all go away. And then you looked at me, eyes red and swollen, cheeks red and your mouth slightly apart. I just had to kiss you. I'm sorry for the bite though. I really am. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Holding you and having you holding me afterwards was the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I felt like we were equal in that moment.

When you were in the bathroom, I realized I didn't want to go back to before. I want to be held by you when I'm breaking. I want to be touched by you when I need comfort. I want you to touch me all the time, because I feel so safe when you do. And I want to be there for you the same way.

I started writing this letter then.

The way you behaved last night showed me that you didn't want to go back either. I kissed you again because I just like it. I want to do it for the rest of my life. But I also know that this isn't the time to start a relationship. I'm broken, and from now on you are breaking with me. I'm very, very sorry for that, but I can't change it. I never wanted to get you involved, but you chose to. I hope that we can recover together. I know I can't do it alone.

And I know that we won't start a relationship until we are both ok again. I promise you that I won't try before I'm well again. You deserve only the best of me, if I deserve you at all.

I will ask you though, could we be a little bit more intimate than best friends usually are? Can I hug you whenever I need a hug? Can I cry in your arms whenever I feel like crying? Can I hold your hand whenever I need support? Can I kiss you whenever I need to reassure that you are real? That you are still here? And by kiss I mean what we did yesterday at your door. Nothing too deep, nothing too hot, just something small but meaningful?

It's really hard for me to admit I need all of that, but I guess I need to open up about everything to you. I know what I'm asking is a lot. And it's not fair to be like this to you. You deserve someone perfect, someone who can be there for you when you feel down, someone who you don't need to wait for, someone better than me.I hope you will stay with me though.

I am yours.

I love you more than you know,

Jane

Maura held the pages in her hands, tears streaming down her face.