Characters are still not mine.
I'm so so sorry for needing that long to write and upload this.
THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONING OF ASSAULT, SO PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THAT. (You can skip this chapter without missing important stuff. So feel free to skip if you could be triggered.)
This chapter was planned to be different from what it is now, but events from 2 weeks ago changed that.
I know it might seem like I let Jane go through all of the bad stuff there is, but it is really just a little different from my own life - plus real life is far more worse that what happens to Jane in this story. I guess all of you guys who have experience with self harm know what I'm talking about. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands - I am here for you!
Let's see what role Casey played in all of this mess:
Standing under the shower head alone that morning -they had remembered they had two bathrooms- Maura recalled the last few days.
Jane had been right. There had been a lot happening during the last week.
She had discovered Jane's most likely biggest secret and almost saw her die. They had kissed for the first time, and earlier this morning she masturbated with the brunette's help.
She had never understood the term roller-coaster of emotions, but now she did. Jane's mood was constantly changing between hating herself and being confident, being incredibly sad and laughing for minutes straight, not wanting to be touched and seeking every contact possible.
Maura decided to go with it without interfering. Their situation was already hard for herself, she couldn't even imagine what it had to be like for the detective.
And she still couldn't shake off the feeling that one specific man was part of that roller coaster. She remembered Jane saying she didn't want to talk about what happened with her and Casey, all Maura knew was that they had split up a few months ago.
She would ask about that first that day.
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Leaving the bathroom, Maura smelled pancakes.
"Jane?", she asked curiously, a smile growing on her face. "Hey Maur." Jane said, standing in the kitchen and cooking. "I wanted to make something and looked at what we had in the fridge. I prepared some berries for you, so you have something healthy to eat."
The smile grew bigger. "Have I told you I love you?" "I don't mind, I can never get enough of you telling me."
They ate and for the first time they talked meanwhile. They talked about work, their partners, the weather and some small things.
When they had cleaned up it was time to make plans for the day. Maura didn't want to darken Jane's good mood, but she knew they still had a lot to talk about. "Jane." she said carefully. "I know you didn't want to talk about it, and I know you still don't want to, but today is as good as any other day."
The brunette seemed to know what Maura was thinking about, she tensed up and her smile faded. Without saying another word they sat down on the couch, facing each other again. "What was going on between Casey and you?"
Jane looked away, tears forming in her eyes. "He hurt me." Her answer was high pitched. "Please tell me about it." Maura began to massage the brunette's hands.
Jane breathed in deeply.
"As you know Casey and I've been together." Maura nodded. "We couldn't have sex after he had been hurt. He couldn't -you know his medical conditions." Maura nodded again, encouraging.
"When he came back after his operation. I had already started cutting myself. For some time I could get out of sex by saying I wasn't ready, but that didn't work very long, as we had been having sex before. I then started telling him that I just couldn't do it, almost like he hadn't been able to before." She swallowed. "He tried tried to get more information about my symptoms and even called different doctors to ask what it could be. He knew I had been lying to him when he heard me-" "When he heard you masturbate?", Maura ended Jane's sentence.
The brunette nodded. "First he was angry, but then he got really caring and sensible, telling me whatever it was it would be ok and we would get through it together. I told him I couldn't tell him, but maybe I could show him." Tears were rolling down her face.
"I undid my pants and pulled them down just enough for him to see a few scars. He looked so shocked and then he pulled them down completely, even though I didn't want him to and tried to stop him. He undressed me completely."
Maura sucked in air.
"He ran his hands over me, saying it was a shame I made myself so ugly, the rest of my body would still be quite nice." She was sobbing by now. "He touched me everywhere while saying nobody would ever love me again, nobody would ever find me attractive again and everyone would be disgusted by my body. He said it really was a shame because he actually liked me, but that I destroyed our relationship."
Maura was horrified. That was why Jane had been so afraid to open up. How did he dare to do such things to her. Suddenly a thought emerged. "Jane? I hate to ask this, but did he rape you?" Jane looked away. Oh no, Maura thought. "He-" Jane began. "He didn't...he...like...he just touched me everywhere." Maura's stomach sank anyway. She scooted towards the brunette, pulling her into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry."
"Don't be. He didn't do anything." Didn't do anything...exept for sexual assault and verbal and mental abuse. He had hurt her deeply with what he did. "It was not your fault."
Jane pushed her away, looking directly at her. "Would you please tell that my mother who is still mad at me for letting that perfect man go. Would you tell my brothers, who said he ran from me because of some reason. And while you're at it, please tell Casey, who said it was my fault while he did it. That he had to touch me one more time before leaving me." Again Jane felt angry, but also relieved she finally told someone.
"That's why you didn't want to tell me.", Maura said mainly to herself. Jane nodded anyway. "And it's also another reason for you not wanting to give yourself to me completely, for not undressing and especially for not being able to have sexual intercourse with me without being too vulnerable." She recalled every conversation of the last few days in her head, finding more and more statements of the brunette that only now made sense.
"Could you stop calling it that please?" Maura was startled. She already had tried to avoid scientific terms all that time. "I really appreciate that you didn't play google all week-". Jane did notice after all. "-but could you please stop calling it that. If we were sleeping with each other, it would be making love." Maura's mouth fell open. "I'm so sorry Jane. If had known that it offended you-" "You would have never called it that way, I know.", Jane interrupted. "It's ok Maura. You know now."
Maura's thoughts were racing a million miles an hour, and still she couldn't grasp one of them. They stayed silent for some time, allowing Jane to calm down again. When she didn't cry any more, Maura thought she could talk to her again. "Did you tell someone?" Jane shook her head no. "You didn't tell the police? Or the army?"
Jane smiled sadly. "I thought about talking to his boss, but what would I have said? He touched me? There is no evidence and he didn't hurt me? And what would have happened afterwards? He would -if ever convicted- have to stay away from me while living next door because he had to leave the army? And I would be the cop who couldn't defend herself? Who harms herself? No. This way he is in Afghanistan for probably way longer and if I'm lucky he'll never come back."
Maura's face changed suddenly. It went from worried and hurt to more than angry. "If that bastard ever comes back I am going to kill him myself." She meant it.
Jane grew more serious again. "He told me he was sorry afterwards. He was crying and said he didn't know what had gotten into him. He even helped me dress. He begged for forgiveness. He told me he loved me. He was so sorry. I believed him, you know. But I told him to go away that day."
Maura looked confused. "You believed that he didn't know what he was doing?" Jane nodded. "It's not like I don't know how it feels to lose control over myself. And it's not like he really hurt me physically."
"Oh Jane." The blonde sighed. She wanted to say soothing things or give advice, but she didn't have personal experience, so it would just be google talk. And google talk was not was Jane needed.
"What can I do?" She needed to help Jane somehow.
"Just hold me please, you're already doing so much for me."
Maura did as she was told, and a few hours of cuddling later, she decided it was time to talk about her plans with Frankie.
"Jane, when we are home again, I want you to talk to your brother." "What? Why?" Jane was not sure what to feel about Maura's wish. "About what?" "Your self harm, Casey, whatever you want. He cares about you deeply. He told me to make sure you know you can talk to him about anything." Jane made a grimace.
"I am convinced it would be good for you. You can't deny it feels good talking about it. I'm sure he would protect you from your families' comments without giving away information. I think it would be really good for you and your recovery. It would be really good to have someone other than me treating you well after you tell them." Jane knew Maura was right, again. But she was scared.
"What if it doesn't work out?" Maura smiled gently. "It will. Frankie loves you very much."
"Let me think about it?"