Characters are not mine.
I'm sorry for the delay, I hope I can make it up to you with this chapter being longer than usual.
This chapter is really dramatic again, so I put up TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicidal tendencies, mentioning of rape, and self harm (that one's usual)
Please read only if you think you can handle these right now. I feel like this chapter is less dramatic than the one with Jane ending up in hospital, so I think you can deal with it if you've been okay so far. I can't speak for every one of you though.
"Are you sure you are ready for this?" Maura asked as they entered the building still holding hands.
"As sure as I'll ever be, I guess."
Already getting some suspicious smiles, weird faces and even one or two harassing comments, they decided to head for Angela's café, not wanting someone else to tell her about the change in their relationship. Luckily it was almost empty.
At first the older Italian didn't really notice it was them entering. When she finally did, her face lit up.
"Janie! Maura! Do you want something for breakfast? Maybe pancakes!"
Maura smiled at the gesture. Even though Jane was rolling her eyes in annoyance, Angela was likely to be the most caring person there was.
"Thanks Ma, but we're not here to eat."
"Actually" Maura spoke up, just in time to stop Angela from starting a discussion about the importance of breakfast. "Jane and I wanted to inform you of something."
They couldn't believe how awkward that situation was. Jane felt like a teenager all over again, bringing home a new love interest, and Maura, well, Maura felt like said love interest, silently hoping their relationship would be approved.
They knew Angela knew they were more than just friends, but the idea of confirming a steady commitment left them nervous none the less.
"Ma" Jane began, calmed down a little bit by Maura's thumb drawing circles on her own. "Maura and I are a couple now."
Relief washed over her once she heard herself speaking those words.
We are a couple, and nothing had ever felt so right.
Angela was ecstatic. She hugged both of them, stating how happy she was over and over again.
"Who knew you would listen to me when I told you I had always wanted a doctor in the family!"
Maura excused herself a few minutes later, having an autopsy waiting for her. Saying goodbye with a quick kiss she left.
"I'm happy for you, Janie. I really am." Angela said while patting her daughter's arm.
"Thanks Ma."
The older woman turned around, noticing the last costumer had left.
"So...that means you feel better again."
Jane didn't know how to react, so she said nothing, waiting for her mother to be more explicit.
"You said you would only make this official once you felt better again." Angela said with a smile. "See, I told you it was just a phase."
The brunette knew she only had herself to blame, saying what she did just one day earlier. Yet she couldn't remember having ever been so mad at her mother before.
Just a phase. Sure. It's not like I got up in the middle of the night to search for the blade Maura had taken so I don't cut myself while you are in the kitchen.
"You've been frustrated. I bet you've been frustrated from not knowing were you stood with her."
I've been frustrated, yeah. But not because of Maura. I've been fucking frustrated because the cuts couldn't be deep enough any more. I've been frustrated because you fucking blame me for everything. I've been frustrated because you don't seem so see how frustrated I actually am.
Jane was screaming internally. She was only moments away from ripping apart, screaming out for real, but Angela wasn't finished yet.
She did notice her daughter wasn't responding, she did notice she looked tired and worn out, but she didn't understand why.
She wouldn't try to. Life was too short to be sad all the time.
"If you keep on behaving like that she will run away just like Casey did! You better treat her right." With that Angela turned away from Jane, taking a towel to wipe over newly washed dishes.
Jane was shaking. She was shaking with anger and pain, and finally she broke.
"For fuck's sake Ma, Casey didn't leave me, I broke up with HIM!"
She stormed out of the café, debating whether or not to go home, but she decided to stay, knowing she couldn't call in sick after just having been on vacation.
She literally ran down to Maura's office, hoping she hadn't started the autopsy yet, barely managing to hold back her tears.
When her door swung open, Maura didn't really look at who was entering, already expecting it to be Jane.
"What did she say?" she asked.
She shot up when the first sob escaped.
She was too late to hold the detective up, she had already fallen to the floor when Maura arrived at her side.
Quickly closing the blinds that were in reach, the blonde slid down next to her friend, leaning against the wall.
"No no no no no" she whispered as she first tried to free Jane's face from her hair, and then make her look at her.
Helplessly she watched as the tears fell, not even running down Jane's face but falling right onto her blue shirt, forming dark spots.
"What happened?" she asked, not getting an answer except for frantic sobs.
"Can I have one of your blades?" Jane asked after some time, still crying as hard as before.
"What did she say?" Maura tried again, hoping to somehow understand what was going on.
"Give Me A Fucking Blade!" Jane demanded.
Could she? Jane was not thinking clearly, the anger was visibly shutting out her mind.
Was it likely for Jane to cut too deep in that state? And how likely was it?
Too likely in Maura's opinion.
Still thinking about how to calm the detective down, she almost missed the brunette getting up and out of her arms.
Standing on shaking legs she began to walk through the room.
"Fine. If you don't give me one, I'll find one myself."
Stopping her from pushing all the document from her desk, Maura grabbed Jane's arm, spinning her around abruptly.
"What are you doing?" she stammered.
Jane pulled her arm away from the blonde. "You wouldn't understand."
"But I want to understand. Please help me to understand you."
Jane ran her left hand through her hair, leaving it there as she lowered her gaze.
"If I don't get to cut myself within the next few minutes I'm going to take my gun and use it."
She raised her head, staring Maura dead in the eye. "And this time I'm not going to worry about where my chances of surviving would be the highest."
Maura's stomach dropped. Being pulled back into the memory of Jane bleeding all over the pavement was one thing, but the possibility of it happening again was just too much.
"Why" Maura begged, feeling her hopes for a soon recovery crumbling quickly.
Would she ever see her recover? Would she lose the love of her life – and yes, in the meantime she realized Jane was – to mental struggles and her very own gun?
Don't overreact now, Maura. Help her! You can try to fix this later, right now she needs you. No, she doesn't need me. She needs a blade.
If only she knew she wasn't overreacting.
There were no studies to build her actions up on.
There was no scientific researches on how serious Jane meant it.
There were no experts that could tell her how far Jane would push it this time.
She had to decide on her own. A decision that could lead to relief or death.
For the first time since she had brought the detective into hospital that very particular night, she felt helpless.
She felt the floor being pulled away under her feet. She felt the muscles around her ribs clench, trying to press out air in a panicked sob.
She recognized that feeling. It was grief.
"Maura, please, I'm not trying to blackmail you, I'll find something to use on my own. I came here because I know I am going to need you afterwards." Her voice was trembling. Maura was confused by the obvious and quick changes in Jane's behavior. Didn't she scream at me to get a blade just one minute ago?
Seeing Maura in shock and unable to move like this, she began to explain further. "There is so much going on inside me right now. There is anger, pain, hate and love. I feel misunderstood, ignored, betrayed. I feel naked, I feel abused, Maura, I feel raped."
Her words changed into sobs again.
"Because" her voice hitched. "no matter what I say or do, whether I tell Ma I'm not feeling well or I'm in love with you, she always reminds me of how it felt like, standing in front of a person you loved, a person you trusted. A person you thought loved you. And yet you are stripped against your will and touched in places you don't want to be touched. And somebody forces themselves into you and you feel like you are breaking, because that person sees your most hidden places, and they see you are in pain, but they don't stop. Somebody you love, Maura." She grew louder. "They never stop."
Slowly Maura approached her, gradually taking her into her arms more and more, just in case physical contact was too much to handle at that point.
But Jane didn't pull away. She sank into the blonde, crying into her chest.
"It's always like that. I finally allow to let you get close to me, physically and emotionally, and I couldn't have been happier today, finally being ready to share this with people. This morning I felt like nothing could go wrong, I thought today was a day of happiness, even though tonight has been shit. And then Ma manages to rip open every wound there is, not only telling me this phase was over now that I've got you for real, making me feel guilty for being such a shitty person to be with right now, but also reminding me of what Casey did, making me live through it again by doing what he did on a mental stage, and telling me you would leave me just like he did, because of my shitty behaviour. It's like she and him have some secret bond, blaming everything on me, blaming their actions on me. Like I chose to be like this. Like I chose to feel like this."
She went limb in Maura's arms, once again pulling her to the floor with her.
She needed a few moments to be able to speak again.
"Crying is not enough to let all of this out, I need to break my skin, I need to feel my body because all I can feel right now is what's inside me, and I'd rather be dead than live like this. I want to live. I just want to live, so please let me get a blade."
Maura nodded into her hair.
"Just let me hold you for a few more seconds." she whispered.
"Hey, everything okay in there?" Frankie's voice pulled them back into reality.
They were at work.
Frankie was standing inside the bureau now, closing the door behind him.
"Holy shit, what happened?"
Not getting an answer he closed in on the women, one still crying and the other staring in shock, not knowing how to react.
When he came closer and Jane stiffened more and more in her arms, Maura regained her ability to speak.
"Could you wait outside, Frankie? I'll be there in five minutes."
The Italian just nodded in worry, getting ready to leave the room and stopping just to close the remaining blind.
If he had seen them through that window, others could, too.
Whatever was going on in there, he knew it was personal and should not be noticed by colleagues.
Inside, Maura untangled herself from Jane, got up and left the room, only to come back seconds later, a bunch of autopsy tools in her hands.
In order to snuggle the scalpel in without Frankie noticing, she had grabbed every instrument in reach, stating she needed to prepare the autopsy.
It wasn't even that much of a lie, she really had to get started.
Frankie had been suspicious, but he could have never known what was actually going on.
He interpreted it as one of Maura's quirks, preparing her work thoroughly in private, even though Jane sitting on the floor crying didn't really fit in.
Maura placed the collection on her desk, carefully picking out the scalpel still in it's coverage.
Kneeling down in front of the brunette she held the sharp metal up so Jane could have reached for it.
But she waited.
"Give me your gun, please." Maura said gently.
Slowly Jane did as she was told, handing her weapon over.
"Thank you." With one hand, the blonde patted Jane's knee.
"Jane, until know you've only used blades designed to cut hair. This one-" she slightly moved the scalpel around "was made to cut skin and flesh."
She breathed in deeply, a tear rolling down her face. "Please be careful."
She was torn between leaving it at that, and telling Jane how she was feeling herself.
She didn't want to put too much pressure onto her now girlfriend, especially after what had happened with Angela just minutes ago.
"I don't feel as bad any more" Jane whispered. "I'll be careful."
To Maura's surprise she pulled the doctor close, pressing one not too gentle kiss onto her lips, followed by several light ones.
"I'm sorry" Jane whispered again. "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to not do it."
Maura couldn't hold back the tears now.
"What do I tell your brother?"
Jane thought for a moment. "Tell him what Ma already knows."
The blonde nodded before standing up and giving the scalpel away.
"I will lock the door, call me if you need me. Jane?" The brunette looked up at her. "I love you."
With that she picked up the gun from the floor and left the bureau, locking it once she had closed the door.
"Okay, what is going on?" Frankie said in a panicked voice upon seeing his sister's gun in Maura's hand.
The blonde turned around and leaned back until her back touched the door.
She had her body under control again, no tears were leaking, but the traces of the already fallen ones marked her skin.
She didn't know how to start. Frankie seemed to understand, or maybe he was just not patient enough to wait.
"First she takes off crying at family dinner, and now she's sitting in your bureau, crying her eyes out and you don't look any better yourself. And you have her weapon. What the hell is going on?"
She took a deep breath. "Jane is ill." His eyebrows rose in worry. "I mean mentally ill."
To her surprise he kept looking at her with the same intensity as before.
"What's wrong?"
How much should she give away?
Jane had said it was okay to inform him about the issues Angela was aware of, so she started doing exactly this.
"Apparently it started with nightmares of Hoyt. She didn't sleep and she had severe headaches. And no one was there – I wasn't there."
A rebellious tear escaped. "It all started when I didn't talk to her because of Paddy. We only talked about it two or three weeks ago."
It was only now that she realized how little time had passed since that night she found out. It felt like a lifetime.
"She told me she wasn't depressed, she told me she wasn't suicidal-" she shook her head "and here I am, taking her gun away because I'm scared she could shoot herself."
She had said too much. She knew she had said more than she should have.
But it felt good, it felt right. And Frankie stayed serious. Until now he hadn't played it down.
He looked around the lab, finding it being empty except for the two of them.
"Maura" he paused, waiting for the blonde to look at him. "is she harming herself?"
Her eyes flew open in shock. She couldn't lie.
"Come on, I'm not dumb."
The expression of shock changed to confusion.
"She's been avoiding having stuff on her thighs for a very long time now. She would even place her beer next to her instead of on her legs. She flinched whenever someone or something touched her thighs, and sometimes I thought I could see the outlines of bandages through her pants. She does it, doesn't she?"
Maura just nodded, not knowing how to react.
Was she breaking Jane's trust? Was she betraying her girlfriend by talking about her darkest secrets with her brother?
The feeling of betraying her added up on guilt. Why hadn't she noticed these things?
Could she have noticed before? Could she have helped before things got out of hand?
"You seem to be a very good detective." she said, the guilt showing through.
He sadly shook his head no.
"Don't beat up yourself." he said gently. "You don't notice stuff like that except when you know what to look for. No one looks at people's clothes, searching for outlines. No one looks at other's arms searching for scars. No one gets suspicious of subtle changes in behaviour."
The blonde crossed her arms in front of her body. "Then why did you notice?"
"Tessa. My very first girlfriend. She used to burn herself."
"Oh."
They stood in silence for a few minutes, Maura visibly lost in thoughts.
Frankie seemed to take this serious. He had experience with the topic, maybe more than she had herself.
He didn't blame his sister until now, he hadn't said hurtful words. This conversation would most likely have no negative effects on Jane.
She decided to go with it.
"Jane cuts." she said after some time. "Why have you never talked to her about what you have noticed?"
"From what I've learned from Tessa, I think it's better to let them talk to you first. I didn't want to force her. You know how Jane is."
Silence engulfed them again.
In fact, Maura thought he was reacting in the most perfect way.
"Why was she crying?" Seeing his sister cry was something he thought he'd never get used to. She had never cried as a child or teenager.
"Angela. She just -" she had to swallow. "She just doesn't seem to understand."
If only there was something she could do to make Angela see the damage she had done.
Frankie wanted to say something, but the ringing of his phone interrupted. He hugged her rather awkwardly, whispering "Go look after her.", before leaving the lab.
Turning around the key she tried to prepare herself for what she was going to see.
She had feared the worse, but when she entered the room, Jane was sitting on the floor, dressed and tears dried.
"I'm so sorry, Maura."
The doctor looked around the room. There were no bloodstains or proof of such. The scalpel was placed on her desk.
"You have nothing to be sorry about." She approached the detective.
"Yes I do." Jane stated. "I should have never forced you to give me a blade. I should have never threatened you with shooting myself. I shouldn't have let you decide between helping me harm myself or letting me shoot myself. That was highly abusive and I am so sorry."
Maura sat down next to her, reaching out for her hand. "Let's talk about that at home. Right now I'm just happy you are okay."
"I love you Maura."
"I love you, too."
Quickly they returned to their tasks after cleaning up the salty mess on their faces, Maura starting the autopsy and Jane finally sat down at her desk, going after a lead. It was only 9 am. The whole ordeal had only taken one and a half hour.
No one would even question her being late.
AN: I hope you are alright?!
I decided to make Frankie the contrast to Angela. Whether we know it or not, there's always one person that's supportive.
Like always, tell me what you think, but be nice please!
Take care and have a nice week!