Characters are not mine.

This Chapter has a TRIGGER WARNING

for the mentioning of SUICIDE and talk about it
Jane's past is mentioned, so I'd like to add a TW for mentioning of assault, rape and dark themes in general

This is a dark chapter, but you don't need to worry too much, a lighter one is going to follow.

I'm incredibly sorry for the delay. A lot of stuff happened, most of it bad stuff.

This chapter could have been written better in my opinion, but I'm going to let you read now ;)

Maura ran.
She ran through the dark streets, wind slowing her down and burning her eyes.

It was cold, she had grabbed the nearest jacket, unfortunately a thin blazer, as she had hurried out of the house.
Where did she go? Where did she go? The question repeated itself in her head while tears blurred her vision.
She had no idea on where Jane could have gone, but she knew she needed to find her.

This wasn't supposed to be happening.
Jane was somewhere out there, in her pyjamas, without shoes, without her gun, without her phone.

Maura had seen the pain in her eyes the moment before she took off. The brunette had not only broken but crashed in front of her, and now she was gone.
Heading towards the bridge she hoped Jane had not gone to, but feared she did, she asked herself how they even got to that point.

Waking up an hour before the alarm had its positive aspects when Jane Rizzoli was wrapped around you.

They were both lying on their sides, arms closed around each other and legs tangled beneath the covers. While it was generally difficult to decide where she ended and Jane began, the blonde could feel the fabric of the Italian's slacks between her own naked legs.
She forced herself not to be disappointed, the bandages on Jane's thighs would have been in the way of skin contact anyway.

They had discarded all uncomfortable clothing before sleep overtook, leaving Jane in her pants and Maura in just panties.

Feeling Jane next to her like this, breasts against breasts, cheek and nose snuggled up her chest and curly hair tickling the skin around, made her want to keep her like this forever.
She had to protect her, from the world, as much as from herself.

She held her breath as she, for the first time, really understood what Jane had been through.
The woman in her arms, the peacefully sleeping detective, had been held to the floor by a serial killer, her hands pierced by scalpels, all while being conscious and knowing she was alone.
The fact that Jane trusted her enough to sleep when she was around, to be held by her when being unconscious, triggered the first tear to escape.

Hoyt had come back to hunt her down again, trying to rape and kill Maura, wanting Jane to watch. She had killed him back then, but he was still hunting her in her dreams.
Another psychopath had kidnapped her not too long ago, cuffing both her arms and legs to a bed, touching and kissing her despite her protests.

Things like these happened again and again to the detective. Her life had let her down, leaving her crying when she was alone, and finally picking up the knife and blades.
And yet she didn't tell anyone. She had never talked about the fear she encountered, the thoughts that kept her company when she was faced with being murdered and raped, or the content of her nightmares that followed.

She had been so well at hiding, even her family, Maura included, hadn't noticed, admiring the strength of the detective, not sensing how broken she really was.

Tears started to fall.

When she had finally told someone about harming herself, the person she seemed to trust the most, the man she had loved for years, the love of her life, she was verbally, physically and sexually abused.
Her colleagues had saved her from Hoyt and Dominic, but who had protected her from those closest to her?
Thinking about it then, Maura wasn't surprised that Jane had kept her problems to herself, why she didn't trust anyone and why she didn't let Maura in as much as she wished.

The first thing that had come to the blonde's mind after Jane threatened to shoot herself, was that the brunette didn't know what she was talking about.
She had been convinced that Jane didn't want to end her life the previous day, but to end the pain of Angela's ignorance towards her feelings.
The fact that cutting seemed to have the same effect strengthened her hypothesis.
Yet she had remained worried, not knowing for sure how serious the detective had been.

When Jane hadn't answered on how many times the blade had been an alternative to the gun, Maura's interpretation on the reasons behind the threat changed.
Jane had been serious about it, and after Maura had been left to think about her past, she realized Jane knew exactly what she was talking about.

She might have still wanted to escape the pain, but she knew what she would be doing. She had shot herself before. She knew what it felt like to pull the trigger, she knew what it felt like to possibly end her life.
She was familiar with the thoughts around that action.

Sobs began to accompany the stream of tears, as Maura realized that maybe Jane was so familiar with all of it, that she wouldn't hesitate if she was in a situation that pulled her down too much.
Most people shot themselves in the hope of ending their agony. Jane didn't have to hope. Her heart had stopped beating back then in front of the precinct.
She knew what was going to await her.

But as long as she held her like this, she couldn't harm herself in any way, could she?
She couldn't fall apart when Maura held her together.
She tried to find comfort in the thought that she could keep her like this forever, but failed, knowing that she had to let go of the broken woman at some point, hoping that helping to put her back together was enough.

Oh Jane, why did all of this happen to you? You deserve so much more. You deserved so much more all along. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

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Jane was pulled out of her slumber by her head being rocked back and forth in an irregular pattern.
Soon she realized that the tremors came from the chest she was pressed up against, as whispered versions of "I'm sorry" reached her ears.

Slowly she turned her head up and opened her sleepy eyes. She was immediately fully awake when she saw the tears and the pained expression on Maura's face. "What's wrong" she asked, her voice still sleep drunk.
The only reply she got where more sobs.

She tried to lean back to get a better look at her girlfriend, but was instantly pulled back by Maura who seemingly held onto her for dear life.
"I am sorry. I am so sorry."

Jane began to panic.
"Maur."
Nothing but sobs.
"Hey."
Mumbled 'sorry's.
"Maura!"
The blonde winced.

Jane tried to free her arms, wanting to wipe those tears away, to hold her head, to try to make sense of that situation, but her arms were trapped by Maura's around her upper body, leaving her unable to move at all.
An uneasy feeling settled deep within the brunette.

To make matters worse her phone started ringing. She tried to wriggle free again, but in response Maura only held on tighter, shouting 'no' again and again. Somehow Jane managed to turn them a bit, leaving her lying on top of Maura.

"Maura could you please let me use one of my arms? I promise it won't fall off." she said partly joking, but also to calm her down enough to let her pick up the phone. Maura crying like this was serious business. If she could, she would have let the phone ring, focussing just on the blonde beneath her, but it was most likely work. "I'm sorry" she said as she realized she had just hit a weak spot when Maura pushed her fingernails into her back upon hearing her previous statement.

The ringing of Jane's phone seemed to pull her out of her thoughts though, and a few seconds later the brunette was free to move.
Jane stroked Maura's cheek with one hand, silently thanking her, and picked up her phone with the other.
"Rizzoli" she said, while smiling at Maura lovingly.
The blonde calmed down more and more, making Jane worry less.

"I'll be right there. Give me a few." She hung up and placed the device somewhere on the mattress, using both her hands to frame the blonde's face.
"I'm sorry" Jane repeated. "Are you okay?"
Maura had stopped crying, but she looked exhausted and sad. She nodded, but couldn't convince either of them.

"What happened?" Jane asked, running one hand down the doctor's naked side.
The smaller woman managed to pull her lips into a small smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Was that work?" she stated more than asking, obviously trying to push the topic aside.

Jane sat back on Maura's thighs, entwining their fingers in the process. "Yeah, but you are more important right now."
The blonde turned her head, avoiding eye contact. "Go to work. We will talk about it later."
Jane noticed the desperation in her voice, not being able to make sense of it.

"Maura, what the hell is going on?" She had known this day would come. The day Maura broke down. But she didn't know how to act, how to handle it.
For the first time she realized how Maura had to be feeling all the time, trying to get information out without making it worse.
"I have realized some things" the blonde said quietly, "but if you don't go right now, I will never let you go. So please, go to work."
Reluctantly she pulled her fingers away from Jane's.

Jane couldn't help but feel panic rising up within her. "Is this because of what I said yesterday morning?"
Maura just shook her head slightly from side to side, still avoiding eye contact.
"Then it's because of yesterday evening?"
The blonde repeated her actions.

Jane got up from Maura's thighs, sitting down next to her instead. "Did I do something wrong?"
No answer.
"Okay, what did I do wrong?"
"You didn't do anything wrong." Maura replied finally. "I just need some time for myself right now."
Jane felt her stomach clench.

"You're scaring me, Maura." She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "Are you breaking up with me?" Her voice was higher than usual.
Maura couldn't break up. Not after last night.
Maura shot up, locking her eyes with Jane's. "No. No!"

Seeing the panic in the Italian's eyes, she searched for Jane's hands, wanting to emphasize her words.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to think I was breaking up with you. I'm sorry and I love you." She placed a peck on Jane's forehead. "Go to work. Don't worry. Go to your appointment with Theresa. We'll talk afterwards."

A sigh of relief passed her lips, yet the feeling of uncertainty and fear stayed.
Eventually she got up.
On her way to the bathroom she heard the alarm going off.

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Just in time, at 11 am, Jane returned from following the lead they had gotten in the morning.
A young man had called, stating he knew what had happened to their victim. As it turned out, after hours of talking to different men around their early twenties, they were having a party and dared one of them to call the police.
Apparently they had heard about their case on TV shortly before they called.

They weren't able to point out who had called, and so they returned to the station exhausted and frustrated.
To make matters worse, Cavanaugh recited her into his office.

When it was Frost who informed Maura of the turn out of their lead, the blonde got suspicious.
She left the morgue when she got told Jane was in a meeting with her boss, and walked to Jane's desk, waiting there for her.

Twenty minutes later the brunette stormed to her desk. Frost and Korsak had left for lunch, so they had at least a little bit of privacy among their busy colleagues.

"What happened?" Maura asked, slightly intimidated by the angry look on Jane's face, as well as the lack of her gun in the now empty holster.
The brunette sat on the edge of her desk, running one hand through her hair.
"I'm on leave." she growled.

Maura didn't reply, giving Jane time to calm down, collect her thoughts and open up when she was ready. It didn't take long.

"Ma told him she was worried about me. She told him that I broke down and cried more than once in the past weeks, she asked him to give me lighter cases, so I won't get myself hurt." She didn't look at Maura, instead her eyes were glued to the floor.

"Of course she told him in private, but he had to check if my behaviour was interfering with work. One of your interns saw me running to your office yesterday. I don't know who it was, but they saw me fall to the floor and you holding me, through the one window that wasn't covered."
Maura reached out for Jane's hand, but the Italian pulled hers away.
"Another intern saw you talking to Frankie. You were crying and holding my gun. Stupid windows and glass doors down there."

She let out a strangled breath, almost sounding like a muffled laugh.
"He said I can't work like this. He's afraid I might endanger our cases or my partners. He also said he wants to protect me from myself. I had to give him my gun and badge, I'll be allowed on desk duty once a therapist clears me for it. Thankfully the BPD has worked with Dr Breen before, so I can work with her, too."

Carefully, Maura spoke up. "You are calmer than I would have expected."
Jane finally looked up at her. She wouldn't admit it, not yet, but talking to Maura seemed to calm her down.
"I was angry, but I have no right to be. The fact that I can keep my job..."

Maura grew a little bolder. "What did you have to tell him?"
Jane chuckled, even though it sounded rather ironic. "Nothing. He didn't want to hear it. Just said he always knew this time would come and that he was sorry. He said this job has brought so many bad things upon me, it was time that it did me some good."
Maura smiled. "He's right" she whispered.

Jane got up abruptly, put on her Jacket and grabbed her keys. "I gotta go, I have half an hour left. You'll be there tonight, won't you?" she asked a little bit too needy.
"Jane" Maura tried to sooth her, for once picking up on the brunette's tone right away. The tears, that build up in Jane's eyes despite her efforts to blink them away, told her she hadn't said the right thing.
"Of course I'm going to be there. I told you I wasn't going to break up with you."
Jane just nodded, turned around and left without looking back again.

As soon as Jane was out of sight, Maura got up. She somehow had to show Jane she was there no matter what.
She grabbed a sandwich in Angela's café, walked down to her office, and picked up her phone.

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Jane hadn't called or texted her again.
When she was done for the day, Maura bought a salad on her way to Jane's.
It was already turning dark and a cold breeze was indicating the upcoming winter.

After parking the car, she hurried inside, using her spare key.
It felt wrong to not ring the bell and knock, it was wrong to violate Jane's privacy like that, but Maura tried to push these thoughts aside.
Knocking was something friends did. It was also something strangers did. Using the key was more intimate.
Jane wasn't allowed to feel like just a friend or even a stranger.

It was dark inside, all the lamps were turned off.
Maura switched the lights in the kitchen on, placing the salad on the counter and calling out, "Jaaaane, I'm here now.".

Getting no answer, she walked towards the bedroom, assuming Jane was hiding in there.
Her suspicions were confirmed when she gently opened the door, revealing a seemingly sleeping Jane.
To Maura it was clear from the very first glance, that the detective was in fact awake.

The brunette rarely slept on her back, and when she did, her arms weren't as neatly tucked to her sides and the covers were usually messy.
The thing that ultimately gave her away was her face. As much as she tried to appear relaxed, Maura could identify the concentration and stiffness in her expression. Having observed her as closely as she had that morning, she could tell the difference between sleeping Jane and this Jane right away.

She smiled as she sat down next to her on the bed and kissed her forehead. "I'm in the kitchen eating a salad, you are more than welcome to join me, if you'd like to talk. If you don't get up, I'll come back in 20 minutes. You won't get out of this."
She kissed her once more before getting up and walking back towards the kitchen.

Of course Jane didn't show up. Maura hadn't suspected anything else, so she took her time to eat before facing the Italian in her bedroom.
When she opened the door again, the view hadn't changed that much.
The only difference was that Jane was probed up on a pillow, staring off into space rather than faking sleep.

Wordlessly Maura climbed into bed next to her, fighting the unusual urge to make a comment on Jane being awake. Instead she turned to look at her once she was in a comfortable position.
"How was your session with Theresa?"
Jane had her hands folded in her lap, starting to fidget. "It was good, I guess. We didn't talk about much, we mostly planned and organized. Since I'm on leave, I'm going to have three sessions a week instead of one. She also called Cavanaugh afterwards to inform him."
"That's good" Maura stated.

She breathed in deeply before deciding she should tell Jane now.
"Jane, I'm sorry about what has happened this morning. You looked to peaceful and I realized what you've been through and it is just so unfair."
A few tears made their way down her cheeks.
"And I wanted to hold you forever, so you couldn't break, but I understood that I have to let you go at some point. I can't fix you, I can't keep you from falling apart."

She swallowed audibly, hoping Jane understood her words.
"When you told me you were on leave, I...I realized I can't go on like this. I need time to figure out- " While she was talking, she saw the pain in Jane's eyes, unfiltered, raw pain.

The brunette had jumped out of the bed faster than Maura could notice, leaving her speaking on "-how I can help you. I want nothing more than to help you. I took one month off."
When she heard the door bang, she was pulled back into reality. Processing what had just happened, she sat still for a couple of minutes, before storming off right after Jane.

Maura ran.
She ran through the dark streets, wind slowing her down and burning her eyes.
It was cold, she had grabbed the nearest jacket, unfortunately a thin blazer, as she had hurried out of the house.

Where did she go? Where did she go? The question repeated itself in her head while tears blurred her vision.
She had no idea on where Jane could have gone, but she knew she needed to find her.

This wasn't supposed to be happening. Jane was somewhere out there, in her pyjamas, without shoes, without her gun, without her phone.

Maura had seen the pain in her eyes the moment before she took off. The brunette had not only broken but crashed in front of her, and now she was gone.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.

AN: I'm sorry to leave you with a cliffhanger, but I promise to hurry with the new chapter.
Please don't worry about the outcome, I don't want to give away too much, but both our girls will be just fine.
Again I have to give credit to the super sweet person who came up with the idea for this chapter, thank you again!